Year: 2006

  • Wrappers’ delight

    This past weekend was a momentous occasion that only happens one time a year. Gulley and Big Mama’s Christmas Shopping Weekend complete with The Wrapping Par-tay (it must be pronounced just like the women on the Walmart commercial say it). And yes, it is capitalized because it is an event. For the last sixteen years, Gulley and I designate one weekend in December for an exclusive girls’ weekend where we complete all of our Christmas shopping and present wrapping.

    Usually we have the Christmas Shopping Weekend the first weekend of December, but since I had to be out of town because of my work at the bank, we had to find another weekend.

    And really, I’m not bitter about the bank ruining our weekend at all.

    So, at noon on Friday we headed out. Our first stop was at a local Mexican restaurant so that we could find shopping sustenance in the form of chips and queso. From there, we headed to our local outdoor shopping center because it was a lovely 75 degrees outside, just like in all the Christmas movies.

    We shopped all day and headed back to my house with a car full of packages. Being giddy with our freedom, we decided that we should go see a movie. I looked and realized that I had two $10.00 gift certificates to the movies, then Gulley realized that she also had $20.00 worth of gift certificates to the movies. I wondered aloud if they applied to just tickets or the concession stand also, so I turned them over and read that they applied to tickets AND concession items. Well, y’all would have thought we had just won the lottery.

    We headed to the theater, bought our tickets and still had over $20.00 in free movie money. So, we got in the concession line and debated between the small and large popcorn. We decided on two small diet Cokes (a bargain at $3.75 a piece, certainly no price gouging there) and a large popcorn because Gulley actually said, “I came to party this weekend. I even brought my Zantac.”

    Yes, we’re getting old.

    The movie of choice was The Holiday and I highly recommend it. We loved it, but be warned that it is a total girl movie. Do not make your husband see this movie unless he is a very sensitive type of guy. I know that P would have mocked the entire movie, which is why we never see movies together unless it’s something of real cinematic quality and importance like Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

    After the movie we went to an Italian restaurant and had some calamari and a glass of wine. We stayed out until after 10:30 p.m. Thank goodness for Zantac.

    On Saturday (after sleeping in until a delightful 9:30) we shopped, and shopped, and shopped some more. We also analyzed every topic from disciplining our kids, to the best fashionable shoe for a mama to wear to the park, to Britney Spears showing her cootie cat to all the world.

    We finished our day with a trip to the grocery store and loaded up on sufficient amounts of snack food for our wrapping par-tay. Let’s just say that we erred heavily on the side of carbs and processed sugars. In years past, we have been known to drink a little too much wine which results in the wrapping of the presents getting sloppier and sloppier. There have definitely been years where y’all could look under my tree and see the downward spiral of present wrapping quality.

    This year, however, we were task oriented and focused. We started wrapping at 8:00 p.m. and didn’t wrap the last present until 1:30 a.m. Fortunately for us, we had The Devil Wears Prada on DVD and Justin Timberlake on Saturday Night Live to help us. I can say that if I had missed JT dressed as a can of soup and singing “Soup, there it is”, it would have been one of the disappointments of my life. I’m laughing just thinking about it.

    In all seriousness, I treasure these shopping weekends and we look forward to it all year. Now that we have kids, it’s even more special to have this time together with no real responsibility. It’s one of my favorite Christmas traditions and one of the best parts is that now my tree has a plethora of lovely, wrapped presents under it.

    When Caroline got home yesterday, she ran to the tree and said “OH Mama, just look at all these beautiful presents!” Then we spent the rest of the afternoon performing this dialogue

    Mama, can I open a present?
    No, not until Christmas.
    Please, can I open one?
    No, not until Christmas
    When will it be Christmas?
    8 more days.
    Mama, can I open a present?

    Not right now, Mama has to go take a Zantac.

  • Walmart…rolling back prices and driving folks out of their minds

    A friend of mine sent this to me and it cracked me up. While this may or may not have actually been Uncle Glen, it definitely shows that a little time in Walmart is enough to make anyone not right in the head.

    Husbands and Wal-Mart

    Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go
    with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.

    He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

    Here’s a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton——

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
    commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban
    both of you from our stores.

    We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

    All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

    Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
    carts when they weren’t looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    restrooms.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
    Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s
    on layaway.

    6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
    shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding
    department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
    cry and asks, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
    mirror, and picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
    the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
    “Mission Impossible” theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look”
    using different size funnels.

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
    through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
    assumes the fetal position and screams “NO ! NO! It’s those voices
    again!!!!”

    And last, but not least …..

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
    awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

    Regards,

    Walmart

    Have a nice Sunday!

  • For giving or just for eating

    This time of year I like to have something sweet around at all times and since P has to leave the house every once in awhile, I resort to homemade toffee. I make about 150 batches of this before the holidays are over and while yes, that is a slight exaggeration, I do make it for the mailman, the garbage men, neighbors and pretty much anyone else that I come within a five mile radius of during the Christmas season.

    It’s easy, it’s heaven on a plate (or in a gift bag), it’s TOFFEE. And by the way, this recipe also came from Gulley, so as y’all can see, she has cornered the cookie/candy market.

    Toffee
    1 c. chopped pecans
    1 c. sugar
    1 c. butter
    1/4 c. water
    12 oz. chocolate chips
    Line a 9×13 pan with foil, butter the foil. Spread pecans on the foil. Mix sugar, water and butter in a skillet. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly until caramel colored. Pour over pecans. Spread chocolate chips over mixture. Wait until it cools and break into pieces. Eat until you make yourself sick.
    You’re welcome.

  • Here y’all come a wassailing

    I have been so excited about Boomama’s Christmas Tour of Homes because back in July during the original tour of homes, I was new to this whole blogging world, so I felt more like perhaps an uninvited stalker than a warm, friendly neighbor dropping by to see if any of y’all might have some sugar cookies. Now that I actually know some folks and some folks know me, it’s much more fun to invite y’all into my home and getting to see where you live and how you deck your halls.

    So, welcome to the holiday house of Big Mama.

    This is our front door which no one really uses because I believe I have mentioned that it has a tendency to get stuck and make an unholy amount of noise when you open it, probably due to the fact that it’s eighty-three years old. However, it is the original door, it’s cute as a button and I love it with my Christmas wreath hanging on it.

    Here is our Christmas tree. First things first, yes those are deer mounts hanging on either side and yes, I have to fight the tendency this time of year to put a red nose on one of them and call him Rudolph. Anyway, it’s a real tree and it smells like a little piece of heaven or you know, a little piece of pine forest. The picture doesn’t really show it well, but it has a ton of lights on it. I have a mix of ornaments on it ranging from a few Waterford ones that were gifts, to some that belonged to my Mema that bring back tons of memories just looking at them, to a stuffed Santa that P’s best friend brought us when he was living in Norway.

    And yes, I do still need to wrap presents which explains why it looks so barren. I am nothing if not behind on everything this year.

    This is the view from our living room into our dining room. P actually came up with the idea of wrapping the columns like candy canes a few years ago. That P is just a little bit crafty.

    Here is a close up of the kitchen. I bought those wreaths at Michael’s for .99 a piece and love how they look hanging in the windows. There is also a platter next to the window that my friend Meredith made using Caroline’s footprint and turning it into a Santa Claus. It’s the plate that holds our milk and cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve.

    Next up (if you’re still here) is the mantle. It has your standard garland, stocking hangers and stockings. Y’all may notice that our stockings have our names on them. I tried to be really cute and put Big Mama and P on ours, but it doesn’t really show up. So I’m telling you about it so that my efforts aren’t in vain. I also have a few framed pictures of Caroline from Christmases past.

    The big Santa Claus was a wedding gift and I just love him. At some point in the past, some squirrels got into our attic (yes, I prefer to believe they were squirrels) and chewed some of Santa’s packages, but he still looks good and his beard covers the damage.

    I’ll leave you with the symbol of why we celebrate Christmas. Let me first explain that our grown up nativity has mysteriously disappeared. I’m waiting for a star in the east to lead me to its whereabouts, but if that doesn’t happen I have my eye on a new one that I’m hoping will be on sale after Christmas. So, this is our nativity this year, which to me is appropriate, because it is a symbol of the stage of life we are in. Caroline loves to play with all the figures and I find them in a new arrangement every day. This is what I discovered yesterday.

    I’m going to go back and check for clarification, but I’m almost positive that it wasn’t a donkey of the Lord that appeared.

    Merry Christmas, y’all. Thanks for stopping by.

  • Wasting away again in margaritaville with Paula Deen, poopy pants and sugar cookies

    Tuesday night I went out with my girlfriends for what we call Birthday Club. We always go to the same Mexican restaurant, drink margaritas and laugh until we cry. We all brought a bottle of wine to exchange, which I have to say was a great idea. I find this time of year you can’t have enough wine in the house or maybe it’s just because I have a three year old.

    Anyway, last night we had a discussion about bad Christmas presents we have received in years past. Gulley won hands down with the jar of mayonnaise that she got from her mother-in-law one year. Expired mayonnaise. Seriously. A jar of expired mayonnaise.

    Nothing says welcome to our family like expired dairy products.

    Of course in all fairness, that was also the year her mother-in-law bought her own son a Polo shirt from the Ralph Lauren outlet and the sleeves were too short. When he told his mom the sleeves weren’t long enough, her response was that he should just keep his hands down by his side because then they might work.

    I can’t make this stuff up.

    We also covered a variety of other topics, including the Paula Deen episode where Paula is making iced gingerbread men cookies. Have y’all seen it?

    Paula is decorating these gingerbread men and decides to decorate one like her husband Michael. She says, “Y’all I’m going to make this one real hairy like Michael and he’s going to be wearing white shorts because Michael loves to wear his white shorts. He’s so sweet I’m just going to bite his head off” and then she cackles that cackle that only Paula can do.

    P walked in last year while I was watching it (because yes, I’ve watched it more than once…it’s oddly compelling) and said, “She is a nut.” And yes, she is. But she’s a rich nut that cooks great food.

    Then yesterday morning, Caroline and I went to run errands. We had an important list of things to do such as buy stamps so that I can mail Christmas cards that don’t even exist at this point. I’m not sure how I dropped the ball on this (really I blame the bank for making me travel the first week of December), but I realized late last week that I had neglected to order cards. When I finally started the process, I had two separate online stationery companies tell me they could guarantee delivery for December 28th, which would be okay if we celebrated Kwanzaa. Anyway, the third try was a charm and I should have some Christmas cards to mail out sometime before the new year. At least my stamps are ready to go. That’s what’s really important.

    We also had to run in Whole Earth to search for something containing acidophilous. To put it mildly and to help y’all keep your breakfast down, let’s just say that Caroline has had some intestinal distress over the last week. The pediatrician recommended sprinkling acidophilous powder on her food to help regulate her digestive system. And for the record, being regular isn’t necessarily the problem. But anyway, here’s hoping it works. I’ve actually thrown away four pairs of underwear in the last week.

    It was really the only option.

    In the afternoon, we went over to play with Gulley and her boys. I am beyond happy to report that the sugar cookie baking has officially started. Her countertop was covered in snowmen, christmas trees, and candy canes all just waiting to be glazed and sugared. The first bite of sugar cookie will be one of the highlights of my year.

    And I guess this is what motherhood does to you…in one post I went from drinking margaritas with my girlfriends to throwing away soiled underwear and eating sugar cookies.

    But not at the same time.

  • What can I do to get you in this car today?

    The other night Caroline woke up about 4:30 a.m. which is really a great hour to be awakened because there is that voice in the back of my mind that tells me best case scenario, I’m getting maybe one more hour of sleep. I stumble into her room only to discover that the only issue is that she wants to get in my bed. Visions of being kicked, poked and possibly licked for the precious remainder of the night dance through my head and I tell her no.

    I rock her for a minute, she pulls away and says, “Here’s the deal, you let me come in your bed and it’ll be so nice. It’ll be great. Okay. Let’s just go get in your bed.”

    Here’s the deal? Did my child just say “here’s the deal”?

    When did she become a used car salesman?

    I turn down her salespitch, as compelling as it was, and tell her she has to stay in her own bed. She tells me she’s not tired. I tell her that Jesus will help her go back to sleep and have sweet dreams.

    The next morning, I go in to get her and ask “How did you sleep?”

    She says, “Not great, Jesus didn’t help me at all.”