Year: 2007

  • Someone help me, help me please

    Okay, so I have been at war with myself over whether or not to write this post. But the part of me that cares about what people think has lost the battle. I am compelled to share something with the world wide web that is causing me to swallow my pride.

    Put your hands in the air if you watched (and loved) The Osmond Family on Oprah last Friday.

    I’m so ashamed.

    I wanted to think that I was above Osmondmania. In fact, I almost deleted the entire show off my DVR. But the kind hand of television fate intervened, and since P had taken Caroline to the ranch for the whole day on Sunday and I had time on my hands, I decided to go ahead and watch the first few minutes just to see how The Osmonds were holding up.

    Oh, pride goeth before a fall.

    I have prided myself that I have been above watching Marie on “Dancing With The Stars”, even after hearing she passed out cold on national television. And, really, that’s just good T.V.

    I have even scoffed at Marie selling her dolls on QVC because, really, the whole doll collection thing is just beyond my realm of comprehension.

    Please don’t be offended if you collect dolls. That’s great. I’m just saying that they kind of creep me out. I’m not proud of the fact that I still have to remove all the dolls from the room I sleep in when I visit my Nanny. It’s just who I am.

    I’m a big coward who is afraid of glass eyes that stare off into space and heads topped with unnaturally flipped hair with jaunty berets on top.

    Anyway, The Osmonds. I’m fascinated. There were like over 632 of them on Oprah’s stage and not one of them has an immediate family of less than 26 children or something like that. And they all look alike. And they all have perpetual smiles.

    And I am afraid I am going to be tempted to shell out big bucks to attend The Osmond Family Reunion Tour.

    I know. I’m frightening even myself.

    Oh, I pretend to be above it all, but I AM NOT. I am a weak vessel given to waves of 70’s nostalgia.

    After all, Donny Osmond was really my first love.

    I would spend Friday nights not more than 5 inches away from our huge console television because I believed Donny could see me watching him while I wore my purple socks. I felt connected to him because I understood his love of purple socks and I, too, believed I was a little bit rock-n-roll.

    Sadly, this wouldn’t be the last time I would decide something was my favorite thing because it was also the favorite thing of the boy I liked. Hence, my great love of Dr. Pepper throughout my 7th and 8th grade years because of a guy named Kendall. I was sure our common bond of drinking Dr. Pepper would seal our joy for eternity. But then he moved out of town and I went back to drinking Coke, which at the time was Coke Classic because of a huge marketing blunder by the bigwigs at the Coca-Cola company.

    Where was I?

    Oh, Donny.

    I remember being heartbroken when I found out that Donny couldn’t actually see me through the T.V. screen. I just knew if he could see me he would be immediately smitten with the six year old girl in her Snoopy nightgown, missing her front tooth, re-enacting the entire “Donny and Marie Show” with her Donny and Marie dolls complete with soundstage set.

    And really, I can’t even get into how envious I was of my friend ZZ, who not only had a Donny and Marie lunchbox, but also a Donny and Marie 8-track player. I believe that’s when I learned firsthand what the Bible means when it says “Do not covet your neighbor’s donkey”…or their 8-track player.

    But then, Donny and I grew apart. His show went off the air, he got married, and I was over him. It was a tough transition but, eventually, Rick Springfield came along and I forgot all about Donny.

    I believe it was 1988 when he came back on the scene with “Soldier of Love”.

    Anyone?

    “Soldier of Love”?

    Until now, I have never publicly admitted how much I liked that song, but I did. I may have even bought the cassette tape.

    Oh, the shame.

    So, when I Donny and Marie opened the Oprah show with a medley of songs that was reminiscent of The Sweeney Sisters, I was ready to point and laugh with disdain. I was prepared to roll my eyes and ask no one in particular, who cares about The Osmonds anymore?

    But then, Donny began singing “Puppy Love” and either I had allergies or I might have had a tear in my eye over what we used to have.

    I’ll never tell which one it was.

  • I’ve always suspected God appreciates a good cheetah print

    Last week I was driving over to Gulley’s house to keep her youngest son, Will, while she went to watch Jackson compete in the bike rodeo.

    I had no idea there was any such thing as a bike rodeo. Oh the things that I have to look forward to when Caroline enters the dog eat dog world of Kindergarten next year.

    Anyway, Caroline was talking to me from the backseat of the car and told me that Jackson had told her a scary story about a little boy who went to the bathroom without his mama or daddy and a stranger tried to get him.

    Apparently, they had just finished “Stranger Danger” week in Kindergarten.

    I said, “Well sweetie, you don’t need to worry. Mama and Daddy are always watching out for you. And you know what else? God is always watching over you.”

    “God is always watching me?”

    “Yes, God sees everything. He even knows how many hairs are on your head.”

    “Does He know I’m growing out my bangs?”

    That apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Oh the times I have prayed for deliverance from my bangs.

    “Yes, He knows you’re growing out your bangs.”

    “Does He see my cute cheetah pants I’m wearing?”

    “Yep. He sees your cheetah pants.”

    “OH, I BET HE THINKS I AM REAL CUTE!”

    Yes. I can say with all certainty that He does.

  • Caroline’s guide to style

    Caroline got herself dressed for church this morning.

    Clearly, she has inherited her father’s sense of style.

    One in which a baseball cap makes every outfit better.

    And I will just go ahead and confess that I let her go to church in that exact outfit.

    Y’all have to admit, the mardi gras beads are a nice touch.

  • Imagine if it had been a Reeses peanut butter cup

    Caroline just walked through the kitchen and asked if she could have a piece of candy from her never-ending supply of Halloween candy.

    I told her she could pick one thing.

    She began rummaging through her Disney Princess bucket as if her life depended on it. She rejected Nerds, Sweet-tarts, and some Skittles.

    Finally, she pulled out a giant Tootsie Roll and said, “OH YEAH, BABY!”

    That’s my girl.

  • Edition 7: Fashion Friday

    YOU’RE WELCOME.

    I’m just going to go ahead and get that out of the way because I am about to share an incredible fashion resource with y’all. It could change your life, or at least your closet.

    This is even better than when I shared how to buy a bra and I happen to know that changed some people’s lives. There were women who had been scared of wearing knitwear post-childbirth, but thanks to the proper use of underwire they now feel free to wear sweaters again.

    And I won’t even get into the women who were claiming to be larger than a B cup but were wearing tank tops with shelf bras as their means of support. Sister, either you’re not larger than a B cup or you’re putting your girls in serious peril.

    Anyway, here’s the tip. It’s a site called SHOP IT TO ME.

    The site asks for all your fashion information. The type of clothes you’re looking for, brand names you prefer, and the sizes you wear in everything. You can even enter information for your child and your husband. I entered Caroline’s information, but not P’s because how many Columbia fishing shirts does one person need?

    Once all your information is in the system, Shop It To Me will send you an email every Tuesday and Friday letting you know what’s on sale in your size and where you can find it for any brand that you chose in your profile. It’s BRILLIANT.

    The internet never ceases to amaze and delight me. Next thing you know there will be a site where people can upload home videos for all the world to see.

    On to the questions.

    1. Jennifer asks: Alright, I have been putting off this question…What is the deal with WHITE…shoes, pants, when to wear them and when not?

    The deal with white is that all good Southern girls are raised from birth to believe that wearing white shoes or carrying a white purse after Labor Day could lead to eternal damnation or worse, being permanently banned from Junior League.

    However, while I would still never dream of wearing white shoes after Labor Day, or really EVER, the fashion world now smiles kindly on what is called Winter White.

    Winter White can look very elegant and sophisticated, unless you are the mother of a child who may pat your bottom at some point during the day leaving behind a grape jelly handprint, then it just looks like an unfortunate wardrobe decision. That’s why I save white clothing for child-free vacations or never.

    This outfit from Ann Taylor is a good example of how to do Winter White.

    Please note that the shoes and purse are not white. If they were, this whole blog might actually self-implode and cause your computer to crash.

    And also, your grandmother to gasp in horror.

    2. Stacy asks: I have a question about pantyhose. I am from up north and was taught to always wear pantyhose, or tights for winter, with a dress or skirt for work. Is this just a northern thing?

    I remember the first time I was allowed to wear hose instead of tights it was like a right of passage. I believe I wore them with my Yo-Yos which, if I remember correctly, were open-toe shoes. That’s just unfortunate.

    Tights are back in this year so I think you’ll see women who live both north and south of the Mason-Dixon line wearing them. I think the fundamental difference is that Northern women wear hose and tights out of necessity whereas Southern women wear them according to if they are currently in style.

    Nude hose, otherwise known as SUNTAN, are no longer in vogue. The days of the L’eggs Eggs are over and Southern women are now free to sport bare legs as God intended, UNLESS they work in a conservative work environment that still requires legs to be encased in nylon.

    If you have to wear nude hose or just enjoy wearing them (does such a person exist?), then think sheer. The hose should be as close to your natural skin tone as possible. And for fashion’s sake, do not wear them with open-toe sandals.

    3. Beth asks: I’m in the cold North East where you can’t really wear sneakers during the winter because the snow or slush is up to your ankles. What do I wear on my feet to go with a “sporty” look? Say I’m wearing yogapants, long sleeved layering T’s and a ski jacket. Are there any kind of boots that look athletic enough for this? What would you wear?

    Oh Beth. If you only knew how long I have deliberated over this question.

    First, let me say that I wouldn’t wear anything because if there was snow or slush involved I would be inside drinking hot chocolate with my feet as close to the fireplace as possible without causing them to spontaneously combust. However, that probably isn’t a practical solution when you live in a place that has weather like that more than once every fourteen years.

    So, I’m going to throw out a few suggestions for a sporty boot. At first I couldn’t even imagine such a thing, but then I found these.

    Or these.

    But as for me, on cold winter days, I will be wearing these.

    INSIDE.

    4. Candace asks: I just realized that my husband’s work Christmas party is “after 5 cocktail”- could you give me an idea of what this looks like. Do I have to wear a dress or skirt?

    No, you do not have to wear a dress or skirt. Although you certainly can, as long as you don’t wear white shoes.

    Here’s the best advice I can give you. Wear something you’ll feel comfortable in. The last thing in the world you want to do is spend the evening trying to discreetly adjust your strapless bra in front of your husband’s co-workers. Trust me.

    And remember, you can never go wrong with a basic black dress. Unless you own a white dog that sheds a lot.

    I would go fairly conservative since it’s a work party, so maybe something like this.

    Or this.

    Or, for a little color, this.

    These are just a few ideas. The important thing is to find something you like.

    And if that’s none of these things, I won’t take it personally. Although it is midnight and I am scouring the internet looking for things just for you.

    That’s it for this week. Don’t forget to go sign up over at Shop It To Me.

    There are sale items everywhere just waiting to be discovered.

    If you have a question for next week, leave it in the comments.

    Hope y’all have a fabulous Friday.

  • The law of gravity and albuterol syrup

    There aren’t really words to describe the level of hyperactivity that the albuterol has caused in Caroline.

    Except to say at one point this afternoon I thought the sheer perpetual motion of her body might propel her off the face of the earth.

    But you know what they say, what goes up, must come down.

    That’s the bathroom scale she’s using as a pillow.