Year: 2007

Since our neighbor Tillie died almost three years ago, her former home has undergone several changes. One of the problems with living in an older neighborhood is builders are constantly on the lookout for an older home that they can buy, update and resell for an absurdly high price. And because our quaint little neighborhood is about twenty years behind on adopting a set of building codes to set limits as to what you can build or how big it can be, you never quite know what you’re going to get when people start building and remodeling on your street. Our biggest fear is that someone will come in and build an enormous home next to ours and people will drive by and think our house is the servants’ quarters for the house next door.

Anyway, my point is Tillie’s house has already had two different buyers. The first family that bought it did so for the sole purpose of renovating it and reselling it, which would have been great, except they had the taste of a Las Vegas showgirl.

This could have been due to the fact that the wife of the husband had actually been a Las Vegas showgirl before she found her wealthy husband sitting at a Blackjack table somewhere in Vegas.

Remodeling Tillie’s house was apparently some type of family project and the Vegas showgirl, her husband and their four kids would show up every Sunday to work on the house. Before long, Tillie’s cute little rock cottage had a huge, black awning over the front door that made it look like a funeral parlor. The next thing we knew they had planted little fir trees all along the side yard. We live in South Texas, so those fir trees were gasping for air when the temperature hit 85 in March, and by July they were little dehydrated specimens consisting of dead branches and brown leaves. They looked like Christmas trees on crack. It was just sad.

It became kind of a hobby for P and me to keep an eye on all the various ways they were desecrating Tillie’s house. Some days, P would call me on my cell phone and ask “Did they have the picnic table with the huge Coca-Cola umbrella up before you left the house this morning?” And I would gasp and say “Shut UP!” and he would say he wished he were kidding.

The best day was the day the former Vegas showgirl showed up wearing spandex bike shorts and a sports bra, pulled a chainsaw out of the back of her car, and proceeded to attempt to cut down a pecan tree that was at least three feet in diameter. P and I watched in fascinated horror as she wielded that chainsaw with all the skill and grace of a drunk monkey and held our breath as we noticed the tree beginning to lean precariously toward our other neighbor’s garage. It was the best free entertainment anyone could hope for on a Monday morning.

Our other favorite thing about these neighbors was that the dad was a real friendly sort of fellow and anytime we were out in our yard he would feel free to walk over and talk to us about how we needed to have another baby or that he noticed P drove a Ford truck and had he mentioned that he didn’t really like Ford trucks. He always looked sharp in his own pair of bike shorts (and nothing else) with his thick, gold chain draped elegantly around his sweaty neck. He also was constantly trying to lead us to Jesus by saying things like “Whoo! I’m out of breath from planting those fir trees and speaking of, you know the Bible says that man’s life is but a breath”.

One day I asked P if he thought we should just tell bike short dad that we were Christians so that he could save his efforts, but we agreed it was too entertaining to listen to all the ways he tried to witness to us. “I notice you only have one child, but you know the Lord says that blessed is the man whose quiver is full”. I thought blessed was the man who gets to sleep eight hours at night with no interruption and having only one child is helping me take a step in that direction.

About a year ago, this family sold the house to an older couple who informed us that their plan was to renovate the new renovation which thankfully, included removing the black awning from the front door. They said that they wanted to really downsize now that the kids were out of the house, and they just needed something small like say, 2500 square feet. Oh what a great idea! Hopefully the two of you will be able to live in something that is bigger than our entire house including our garage.

Anyway, last week I woke up and was sure that our entire neighborhood must be under siege. There were horrendously loud noises coming from somewhere nearby, the dogs were cowering under the table and the windows in our house were rattling as if they would break at any moment. I looked out the back door to see a dumpster being dropped in Tillie’s old backyard, jackhammers eliminating her old back porch, and a concrete truck pouring fresh concrete to make a foundation for something that by the size of the concrete slab will be anything but quaint.

Oh yes, we are now living in the construction zone.

This is the view from our back porch this morning.

It’s hard to pick my favorite blue accessory adorning the lot, but the bright blue port-a-potty is certainly the front runner. It warms my heart to know that construction workers are able to relieve themselves not even ten feet from my back porch.

Many of y’all were wondering after yesterday’s post if I am going to take Caroline to get her hair cut, since obviously this issue is keeping her up at night. The answer is no, we are not getting her hair cut, and my reasons are two fold.

1. In all honesty, she couldn’t care less about her hair. The reason she wants to get it cut is because she knows when we visit the upscale salon called Great Clips, they give her a dum dum after they cut her hair.

2. I have spent way too many hours of my life coaxing that baby fine hair up into pigtails and other assorted up-dos while it was growing out to abandon my efforts so that she can have a free lollipop.

So, the hair? I have a drawerful of Goody elastics and big bows that say it is staying long. She can find free candy somewhere else besides Great Clips.

In other news, it was 79 degrees here yesterday. 79 degrees y’all. It’s the middle of February and I would be afraid it’s due to global warming, but since I’ve lived in Texas my whole life, I know it’s really due to the fact that I live in you know, Texas.

Anyway, this spring-like weather has me contemplating and pondering two very serious issues. Y’all know that old saying that says something like in spring a young man’s fancy turns to love?

Well for me, my fancy turns to thoughts of the imminent need for hair removal and new sunglasses.

Not necessarily in that order.

And I realize that some of y’all may now be concerned with all this talk of hair removal, wondering to yourself what kind of hairy beast is this one we call Big Mama? It does my heart good to know that some of y’all are picturing some kind of Cousin It with orthodontia.

Really it does.

But just so y’all know, what I am talking about here is shaving my legs. It’s the constant battle, and for someone who is as OCD as I am, I must have smooth legs when the weather is warm. I can’t do the every other day shave, the stubble will drive me to the brink of insanity and trust me, that’s a short trip. I have to do the every day leg shave. Just thinking about the stubble makes me want to itch.

When the weather turns warm, I have this sudden desire to get a second mortgage on our home and go to the nearest laser hair removal center and ask for a package called “The Works”. Let’s just take care of this, once and for all. And really, if I had saved the money and earned interest on what I’ve been spending, lo these past 24 years, on razors and shaving cream, I could head to Smooth Solutions and get it done.

But oh no, I have never been one to be that far sighted.

So, this summer I am pinning all my hopes on this fabulous product by Aveeno. I’m not saying it’s the answer to world peace, but I will say I have been using it all winter and it does seem to significantly slow down hair growth. Of course, the fact that I’ve been using it all winter means I’ve actually used it about 5 times since I don’t shave that often when the weather is cold. That’s what long pants and boots are for ladies.

Anyway, if you’re not ready to spend your life savings on laser hair removal, then y’all might want to give it a try. And no, this is not a paid advertisement, just a friendly suggestion from a fellow warrior in the ongoing battle against unsightly stubble.

My second issue and honestly, I have a multitude of issues, but I’m only addressing two today, is the search for a new pair of sunglasses. I seem to have misplaced my sunglasses, which means that is $12.00 spent at Steinmart that I’ll never get back.

Really, it’s just as well, because truth be told, one of the lenses had started falling out of the frame on a fairly regular basis, which just goes to show that the people in Taiwan aren’t manufacturing the same quality of product they used to provide. The only reason I’m sad about losing the glasses is they held some sentimental value because when I bought them two summers ago, I felt oh so cool in my oversized Nicole Richie type shades and one day as I was leaving Gulley’s house, I put them on and her son Jackson said “OH!! Can I please wear your goggles?”

I would feel bad, but y’all know that DJ AM probably said the same thing to Nicole at some point.

Anyway, I am in the midst of a sunglass style quandry. Do I purchase another pair of the goggle-like oversize sunglasses or do I go with a new look?

I am leaning towards the retro Ray-ban aviator style, circa Tom Cruise before he jumped on Oprah’s couch and became an idiot. I had a pair of aviators when I was in college that an ex-boyfriend bought me for Christmas, but I lost them after about six months. The relationship didn’t last much longer than the glasses because really, if he had known me at all, he would’ve known not to spend more than $10.00 on a pair of sunglasses for me, since I tend to abuse them like a rented circus monkey.

So, these are the deep and pressing issues that have been occupying my mind for about the last 24 hours. It’s a good thing I don’t have to worry about global warming, it would just be too much.