Year: 2007

  • We have no lack of the social skills

    Yesterday I dropped Caroline off at school and had some really important plans for the day. Plans that involved stopping at Starbucks to get the Peppermint Mocha monkey off my back and then coming home to catch up on Project Runway. Since my self-imposed Target ban, my days are just not as full.

    As soon as I got home, the phone rang. It was my friend E. and, long story short, I ended up with a bundle of three month old baby girl in pink fleece at my house for the morning and early afternoon. It was grueling having to smell her baby smell and kiss her little baby fat cheeks while she looked at me like LADY, YOU NEED TO BACK OFF WITH YOUR CRAZY.

    I got to hold her in my arms while she slept, I got to give her a bottle, and I got to watch her kick her little baby legs while she cooed and grinned at me. And then my ovaries and my heart burst from too much baby joy and sweetness.

    Since I was watching the baby, I asked Gulley if she would go pick up Caroline from school. Then, after E. picked up her bundle of all that is good in the world, I called Gulley to tell her I was on the way to her house to get Caroline. She told me that when she picked Caroline up at school, the teacher informed her that Caroline had not had a good day. She talked constantly, talked back to the teacher and, eventually, got sent to the School Director’s office.

    Oh my.

    What happened to my own little bundle of pink fleece goodness and sweetness?

    Gulley asked Caroline what happened and she said, “Well Guwwey, here’s the story. I talked and talked and talked and talked and talked….” She said Caroline must have said “and talked” about 152 times.

    I know Caroline wasn’t exaggerating about all the talking with the talking and more talking because I live with her. I am well aware of all the talking. I stay up way too late at night to just get a break from ALL THE TALKING.

    We got in the car and headed home. I asked her what happened at school. She said, “Well, there was a little bit of trouble…” (yes, I think that “little bit” is named Caroline) and then proceeded to give me the rundown of her day of disobedience. I told her, “When your teacher tells you to be quiet you need to say ‘Yes Ma’am’ and then BE QUIET”.

    She said, “Well, I just get so bored. Being quiet is boring.”

    I feel you, sister. You come by it honestly.

    In fact, I think it’s safe to say she comes from a not-so-proud heritage of less than stellar conduct grades due to the dislike of the boring by both of her parents.

    And since today is my mama’s birthday, I think it’s only fair to apologize for the gray hair I must have given her over my own years of talking. And talking. And talking. And also chewing gum in class. And then talking some more.

    Happy Birthday, Mom. From your daughter who never wanted to be bored.

    I feel certain I have many years of payback ahead of me.

  • The computer. It is fancy.

    So, here are our songs on iTunes. We created our own iMixes.

    Because we are technologically savvy.

    And y’all might notice that for some reason “Merry Christmas from the Family” by Robert Earl Keen was omitted from my list.

    I think it may be a conspiracy created by some big Eastern syndicate that doesn’t appreciate references to cans of fake snow and trips to the QuikMart.

  • It’s like Christmas is already here

    This weekend in the midst of our shopping extravaganza, Gulley and I found ourselves in the Nordstroms shoe department and so we had a moment of silence for the greatness that was around us.

    Oh I kid. Gulley and I never have moments of silence.

    Nordstroms was playing Christmas music over the sound system (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) and “River” by Sarah McLachlan was on. I found myself singing along in a very soft, dignified manner and told Gulley that Sarah McLachlan’s “Wintersong” CD has become one of my Christmas favorites.

    She said she preferred her Christmas music a little more upbeat and I told her she was crazy. Next thing you know we’re throwing shoes at each other in the Nordstroms shoe department and people are gathering around because you know, CATFIGHT.

    Anyway, this led to a lengthy discussion about various Christmas music. At some point in the conversation we decided it would be fun if we both came up with our favorite Christmas song selections and put them on Big Mama.

    It’s like a 2007 version of the MIX tape.

    Except now the kids are using iTunes.

    Here is our disclaimer, before I get a bunch of comments whining about the lack of Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” or Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” or Alvin and The Chipmunks “Christmas Don’t Be Late”, we purposely tried to avoid all the blatant Christmas classics. So while there will be some familiar songs, we tried to choose non-traditional adaptations and lyrical stylings.

    Obviously I have serious music skills because I just used the term “lyrical stylings”, which may or may not be a term anyone in the music industry would ever use.

    And y’all will notice that Kelly Willis and Bruce Robison made both of our lists because GREATNESS.

    Anyway, without further ado and ramblings, I present:

    GULLEY AND BIG MAMA’S FIRST (and possibly last) ANNUAL LIST O’ CHRISTMAS FAVORITES

    Big Mama’s Christmas

    1. Go Tell it on the Mountain – James Taylor
    2. Christmas Time is Here – Shawn Colvin
    3. Love Has Come – Amy Grant
    4. Breath of Heaven – Amy Grant
    5. The First Noel – Josh Groban and Faith Hill
    6. I’ll Be Home for Christmas – Michael Buble
    7. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Diana Krall
    8. Song for a Winter’s Night – Sarah McLachlan
    9. O Holy Night – Mandisa
    10. I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day – Jars of Clay
    11. River – Sarah McLachlan
    12. Love Came Down at Christmas – Shawn Colvin
    13. Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Kelly Willis and Bruce Robison
    14. The Night Before Christmas – Carly Simon
    15. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – John (Cougar) Mellencamp (Don’t act like you don’t remember the Cougar)
    16. Merry Christmas from the Family – Robert Earl Keen

    Gulley’s Christmas

    1. Santa Baby – Kelly Willis
    2. Frosty the Snowman – Harry Connick Jr.
    3. All I want for Christmas is You – Mariah Carey
    4. What Christmas Means to Me – Stevie Wonder
    5. Linus and Lucy – Vince Guaraldi
    6. Blue Christmas – Elvis Presley
    7. Joy to the World – Mariah Carey
    8. Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Harry Connick Jr.
    9. Christmas Waltz – Bruce Robison
    10. Run Run Rudolph – Chuck Berry
    11. Jesus,Oh What a Wonderful Child – Mariah Carey
    12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas- Kelly Willis

    The best part is (I know, pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming) that I have turned our lists into iMixes on iTunes so as soon as the whole Apple Corporation gets on the ball, y’all can go straight to iTunes and download any or all of these songs.

    And then come back and tell me whose list is better.

    Oh I kid again.

    Because I know my list is the best.

    And if there are any great songs we’ve left out, leave them in the comments.

    Unless they are sung by Kenny Chesney.

    I’ll keep y’all posted and as soon as our lists show up on iTunes, I’ll put up the link.

  • Random with all the randomness

    I think it’s finally happened, I have nothing to say.

    Well, except this.

    1. Many of y’all asked the color of my Victoria’s Secret robe. Mine is the aqua blue with the white heart on the back. I chose it by a very deliberate process I like to call THE ONLY ONE LEFT.

    However, given the relationship my robe and I share, it is very appropriate that it has a heart on it.

    Because I heart my robe.

    Although, I would love to have another one in the hot pink with white polka-dots because SASSY.

    2. Yesterday afternoon we were decorating the Christmas tree which, by the way, has a mass of ornaments in the section reserved for decorators that are under 3 1/2 feet tall.

    Caroline was singing a song quietly to herself so I listened carefully and this is what she was singing, “Simon at night, Simon at night, all is calm, all is bright…”

    So either she’s trying to sing Silent Night or just about some boy named Simon. Either way, FESTIVE.

    3. Gulley has officially opened season on The Sugar Cookie. I ate 456 of them over the weekend.

    And I don’t regret that decision AT ALL.

    In fact, I would eat another plate of them if you put them in front of me right now.

    4. Here’s a question for you. Nutcrackers? Fan or not a fan?

    I personally find them a little creepy, however, Caroline loves them. I do not want my Nutcracker issues to spill over into my daughter’s life, so we have two of them in our Christmas decor.

    5. I don’t know. I just hated to end with 4.

    Maybe I’ll be back tomorrow with some coherent thoughts.

  • We came, we shopped, we wrapped and we conquered

    This weekend Gulley and I had our 17th annual Christmas shopping and wrapping party extravaganza. It was everything it is billed to be and more.

    We got a late start this year because Gulley wasn’t free until Friday afternoon. She showed up at my house and unloaded her stuff, including her body pillow. This is just one of many reasons we are best friends, we travel with sleeping comfort in mind. I know some people may not understand it. In fact, last weekend when P, Caroline and I went to AJ’s ranch, I got my body pillow out of the car and my friend Jen said, “That’s just embarrassing. You should’ve waited until it was dark to unload your body pillow.”

    But y’all know what? I don’t care. I’m a high-maintenance sleeper and I’m proud. Gulley and I have discovered one of life’s profound truths, which is once you’ve discovered the body pillow you will never again want to spend even one night away from it. Especially not on a weekend that involves no kids and, therefore, uninterrupted sleep.

    I noticed as Gulley was unloading stuff that she had brought none of her presents with her. The gift wrapping portion of the weekend is a crucial time and I asked where her presents were. She informed me she hadn’t bought any presents yet. And at that moment I knew this weekend was going to involve shopping that would defy the laws of logic and the time-space continuum. Gulley threw down a no-present-purchased gauntlet that was UNPRECEDENTED. We were starting from scratch.

    May God have mercy on our souls.

    And our feet.

    So, we headed straight for the bowels of hell, also known as Toys R’ Us. We loaded that shopping cart until it was begging for mercy, or perhaps that was the woman whose foot I ran over right before I knocked over an entire display of wrapping paper.

    For the record, it is not easy to maneuver a cart that is heavy-laden with My Little Ponies, Polly Pockets and my dreams of creating the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

    I’m not sure what time it was when we finally left Toys R’ Us, but it was dark outside. However, we pressed on towards Hobby Lobby to take advantage of 50% off on multiple things that we didn’t need, but LOOK! IT’S 50% OFF! That means it’s only $5.00!

    “What would you do with it?”

    “I don’t know, but IT’S ONLY $5.00!”

    Hobby Lobby sucked out whatever life Toys R’ Us had left in us. So we decided it was time to go home, unload our purchases and eat. Chips and queso have never tasted so good. Well, except for the last time I ate them.

    Saturday morning we woke up refreshed and ready to go. We started the day with some Starbucks (huge shout out to the Venti Peppermint Mocha that sustained me throughout the day) and headed to Target. I’ll sum that entire experience up by saying how do you even begin to decide between the My Little Pony Teapot Palace and the Littlest Pet Shop Rescue Center? It’s like here take my arm…no wait, take my leg…no, my arm. After much debate and deliberation I decided on the Polly Pockets Race to the Mall because I identified with it deep in my soul.

    Except I am not wee like the Polly Pockets.

    Our day included stops at every store in the entire state of Texas, including Bass Pro Shops. If any of y’all are like me and have never been in a Bass Pro Shops, then let me give you a tip, this whole hunting/fishing thing is apparently BIG business. I mean we are talking MASSIVE amounts of square footage devoted to merchandise that is fashion-free.

    Not to mention a Santa Claus complete with a team of eight dead, stuffed reindeer pulling his sleigh.

    The best part was the customer survey questionnaire they hand you as you walk out the door with a question that asks how you arrived at Bass Pro Shops. The choices are AUTOMOBILE, PLANE, MOTORCOACH or RV. Which is so weird because those are exactly the same choices on the questionnaire at Neiman’s.

    After a day of various parking lot situations that almost caused me to lose my joy and allowing my blood sugar to drop dangerously low due to lack of taking the proper sugar cookie breaks, we finally arrived at a few stores a little closer to home. Gulley had a few more presents to buy and I suggested we go look in Victoria’s Secret because I thought they were having a sale on what I believe to be the greatest robe ever made.

    Unfortunately, the robe wasn’t on sale. However, seeing the row of robes folded neatly caused me to wax nostalgic about the night I purchased my robe for 75% off at an after Christmas sale last year. I touched the folded robes and actually said to Gulley, “I’ll never forget the night I bought my robe. It was rainy and cold outside…” I had a faraway look in my eye and a single tear streamed down my face at the sweetness of the memory.

    I looked up and realized Gulley was looking at me like I had lost my mind, and so I never even got to the part in my story where my new robe and I went to pick up some Church’s spicy chicken tenders, mashed potatoes and a Diet Coke and then curled up together on the couch to watch “Sweet Home Alabama”.

    Instead we started laughing so hard that Gulley had to find a bathroom and I literally had to sit down on the floor in Victoria’s Secret because I could barely breathe for all the laughing.

    We realized at that point we were no longer mentally fit to be in public so we headed to the house with our wrapping paper, packages and some cheese. Because we enjoy eating massive amounts of dairy when we’re together.

    AJ came over and assisted us in our wrapping efforts and, four hours later, we were done. Everything is wrapped, everything is festive.

    Now I just need to decorate the tree. And the house. And the yard.

    Other than that, I’m ready for Christmas.

    And to snuggle up with my robe. After all, it’s almost our one year anniversary.

    **Edited to add that I fixed the link to the robe.

  • Tiny Fashionista

    A girl is never fully dressed without a smile.

    And a leopard print scarf.

    I have taught you well, grasshopper.