Year: 2009

Horton has the flu or hears a who or whatever

Caroline was out of school on Monday to celebrate the President’s Day holiday. It’s always a big holiday for us. We decorate our President’s Day tree, hide colored eggs, and have the whole family over for a big turkey dinner where we all wear stove-pipe hats.

Or maybe I just complain about the fact that we don’t get any mail and the banks are closed. I can’t really remember.

Anyway, this year we decided to head out to the Stock Show and Rodeo because the folks at the rodeo like to celebrate President’s Day by charging only $1.00 for every single ride. That is a lot of trips on the ferris wheel. However, someone failed to notify the people selling the turkey legs and corn dogs about the perilous economic times in which we are living because they were charging $8.00 per turkey leg. For just one leg. I remember when you could get a whole turkey for $8.00 even though you had to walk uphill in the snow both ways to get it.

Gulley and her boys went with us and the kids had a great time. Eventually our money ran out and it started to rain, so we headed to the car. I was slightly amazed that Caroline didn’t beg to stay for just a few more minutes, but decided she was probably tired since she didn’t sleep good the night before.

We got home and I turned on the T.V. hoping that she would settle in and rest for a little bit, then I went in the kitchen to unload the dishwasher. At some point I realized she was really quiet and peeked in the living room to see if she was wreaking some sort of havoc in the form of permanent markers or eating her body weight in Valentine’s chocolate.

I was stunned to see that she was fast asleep on the couch. Seriously, Caroline falling asleep mid-day is an event that is so unprecedented I scanned the room to see if I was on Candid Camera.

She slept for about an hour and woke up with flushed cheeks and watery, sad eyes. It didn’t take a genius to figure out she was sick, which was fortunate considering that we don’t have any geniuses living in our house. P may beg to differ, but being able to tell how old a deer is from fifty yards isn’t necessarily on the MENSA test.

I gave her some Tylenol and put her to sleep in my bed. She was feverish and restless all night long, so when she woke up around 8:00, I told her that she wasn’t going to school. Bless her heart, she started crying and told me, “I just know they’re going to do something fun and I’m going to miss it!”

We went to see the pediatrician because deep in my heart I just knew it was the flu. They gave her the flu test where they stick a swab up your nose and, let me tell you, she was not happy. Caroline tends to be very dramatic about things that she doesn’t like. If she falls down, she’s been known to yell, “I DON’T EVER WANT TO WALK ON THAT GROUND AGAIN. I DON’T LIKE THAT GROUND!” And it doesn’t really do any good at that point to explain the laws of gravity and physics, so I usually just go along with whatever she says and within three minutes she usually forgives the ground and decides to give it another chance.

My point is that when that swab went up her nose, she was ready to ban cotton swabs from the face of the earth forever. If she knew any profanities, she would have yelled them right there in that lab. And then ten minutes later they confirmed that she has the flu and I wanted to say some profanities of my own.

Namely, I’d like to have a word with the makers of Flu Mist because what exactly was the point of paying that extra money to give my child the Flu Mist if she’s going to get the flu anyway? And not just any flu, but the strain of flu that was specifically supposed to be avoided by getting the aforementioned Flu Mist?

Dear Flu Mist,

You are a crock and are now dead to me.

Good riddance,
Melanie

So, yeah. She has the flu. And I didn’t get a flu shot (not that it matters apparently), so now I’m just hoping it doesn’t take us all down.

On the bright side, “Horton Hears A Who” was available on pay-per-view and I’ve never been so thankful for that lovable elephant and his wee speck of dust. They made a fever-filled afternoon a little bit brighter.

Not to mention the fact that the Girl Scouts of America showed up on my doorstep like green angels sent from heaven bearing the Thin Mints and Lemon Chalets I’d ordered a month ago. It made me realize that the Girl Scout motto is true. They are always prepared.

Or maybe that’s the Boy Scout motto.

Whatever.

Did you not read the part about me being home with a sick child with the flu in spite of the faulty Flu Mist? I’m doing the best I can.

Here’s hoping that Horton and the Thin Mints will get us through.
Maybe I’m too high-maintenance for her

The other day my dad stopped by after work to see Caroline. He’d been out of town on business for several days and hadn’t seen her since she’d turned five and a half.

In true grandpa fashion, he began telling her much taller she’d gotten in the last few days and how he could tell she was five and half because of how fast she is now.

Bless her heart, it will be a wonder if she has any kind of self-esteem at all.

I was cooking dinner and called into the living room, “And you won’t believe what a good job she’s doing sounding out her words and letter sounds!”

My dad said, “Wow, Caroline! Just think you’ll be able to read before you know it.”

“Yep! I’m gonna read books!”

“That’s right. Then you can just curl up on the couch with a good book and read.”

“I know! Or I can just go in my room, read a book and have a little ‘me’ time.”

“Me” time?

Did she seriously say she could use a little “me” time?

I guess it’s been selfish of me to make her play all those rounds of Candyland with me every afternoon after school when apparently all she’s been looking for is a little “me” time.
Because love means never having to say this movie is sorry

I really try to stay away from controversy on the blog, but I can’t help myself today. And I know many of y’all are going to disagree with me and that’s just a chance I’m going to have to take.

I cannot remain silent on this topic any longer.

What is it about Valentine’s Day that makes T.V. stations want to air “Sleepless in Seattle” all day long? Because, I’m going to be honest here, I didn’t think the movie was all that great even when it first came out.

I realize that saying I don’t like “Sleepless in Seattle” may be akin to saying that I don’t like boxes of puppies or the George Foreman grill, but I just think it’s kind of a lame movie. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are never even in the same scene until the end of the movie. It gets on my nerves.

And maybe I’m just a little cranky because the most memorable moment of my Valentine’s Day this year was when Caroline and I were wrestling and she jumped up and her head landed right under my chin causing my mouth to bleed profusely. I spent the better part of the early evening checking to see if my teeth were loose because I endured two years of adult orthodontia and am slightly obsessed with my teeth.

I mean, I don’t spend a lot of time admiring my teeth or anything. I just want them to stick around for awhile since I paid to have them all straightened out. Just wanted to clarify.

Anyway, if I had the time to lie on the couch and watch a movie marathon on Valentine’s Day (or any day, for that matter) here are the romantic movies I’d want to watch.

1. When Harry Met Sally – See? I don’t dislike Meg Ryan. I love Meg Ryan. I just like her in movies where you actually get to see her with the leading man for more than 3 minutes. And the New Year’s Eve scene when Billy Crystal realizes he loves her makes me cry every time.

2. The Philadelphia Story (Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant version) – I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve watched it. Yes, Cary Grant is dreamy, but I adore Katherine Hepburn in this movie.

3. Sixteen Candles – Jake Ryan stands the test of time. Sadly, the same cannot be said of the baby’s breath wreath that Molly Ringwald has in her hair at the end of the movie.

4. Pretty in Pink – “What about prom, Blaine? What about prom?” It reeks of high school drama and I still love every minute of it.

5. Gone with the Wind – I’m a sucker for Rhett and Scarlett.

6. Return to Me – Okay so the whole premise is a little far-fetched, but I love it anyway.

7. Pride and Prejudice – Because the ending is brilliant.

Elizabeth Bennet: “You may only call me ‘Mrs. Darcy’ when you are completely, perfectly and incandescently happy.”

Mr. Darcy: “And how are you this evening… Mrs. Darcy?”

It makes me a little swoony.

8. Notting Hill – Let’s all say it together. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

I’m not saying that “Sleepless in Seattle” should never be shown again (although it wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t) I’m just saying that perhaps instead of airing the same movie ALL DAY LONG, the Oxygen channel might want to shake things up a bit. Maybe show something else so that the folks at home don’t feel the urge to throw a bottle of Advil (in their hands because they just incurred a severe mouth injury at the hands of their child) at Tom Hanks.

Because, heaven knows, you couldn’t throw it at Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan because they’re never in the same scene.

So, how was your Valentine’s Day? And, more importantly, what love stories would you want to watch if you had all day to lie on the couch and eat chocolate?
Edition 51: Fashion Friday

I know that I’ve expressed my frustration at the new Target (have I mentioned how far it is from my house?) many, MANY times. On the bright side, I’ve cut way back on my Mossimo consumption, but there are some days when you just really want to push that big, red cart around the store and check out all the stuff you don’t really need but feel compelled to buy because LOOK HOW CUTE THOSE VALENTINES PLATES ARE THAT I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WANTED!

So on Tuesday, Gulley and I made the fourteen minute trip to Target because we needed to purchase Valentine paraphernalia and I desperately needed to get a new pair of jeans for Caroline.

The good news is I found a great pair of jeans for her for only $9.99. The bad news is I was almost suckered in to buying her a pair of pink madras bermuda shorts for $14.99.

Dear Target,

We are in the midst of the greatest recession of our generation. This is not the time to start charging upwards of $10.00 for an item of clothing that doesn’t even consist of a yard of fabric. Please go back to the days of yore when I could purchase some cute Circo child’s items for $4.99. You are getting way too big for your pink madras bermuda short britches.

Also, I resent the fact that you’ve moved to a location that requires me to stop at three additional stoplights and one superfluous stop sign.

Sincerely,

Melanie

Now for the questions.

1. Angie asks: “Is there a way to LEARN to be fashionable? I am truly so bad that sometimes I come downstairs to leave for church and my husband sends me back up to change shoes! Is there hope for me?”

Yes, Angie, there is hope for you.

If you really want to learn more about fashion, then the best place to start is figuring out your own style and taste. Don’t let those things be completely dictated by fashion magazines. Just because something is trendy doesn’t necessarily mean it’s in your best interest.

Oh how I wish I could go back and give that advice to my twenty-year-old self when I sported those bright red jeans from Express with a bedazzled top.

Buy some magazines or look online at different clothing sites and pay attention to the looks you like and what fits your lifestyle. You’ll probably start to see a common theme. Most retail sites have a section that shows full outfits and it can serve as a great guide to putting together a complete outfit including shoes and a handbag.

Another good tip is to start by wearing basics. Wear jeans and a simple black top, then begin adding fashionable accessories like a scarf and a cute pair of earrings.

2. Desha asks: “Where do you stand on ballet flats? I love them, but most of the men I talk to (including my husband) think they are hideous.”

I don’t stand on ballet flats because I think they are hideous.

Ba-da-pum. Thank you and don’t forget to tip your waiter.

Okay, seriously. I don’t dislike ballet flats but, for the most part, I dislike them on me. I think most of my ballet flat issues can be traced directly back to 1985 when I wouldn’t leave the house unless I had on a pair of ballet flats that perfectly matched my oversized Esprit sweater and the lace bow in my hair a la Madonna.

All that being said, I see other people wearing them and I think they look precious. Maybe I should go to some sort of ballet flat therapy so I can get past my bare-feet-crammed-in-synthetic-leather-shoes-with-no-ventilation phobia.

And then I could go actually make myself wear some darling flats like these or these.

But probably not since just looking at them kind of makes my stomach feel funny. It’s my own personal issue. I’m a girl who likes a heel.

3. Christina and Amy separately asked two questions that go together: “Where are some good places to shop online and what items do I feel safe buying online and not trying on?”

I’ll be honest and say that I do a lot of online browsing for clothes, but not a lot of online buying. I am a big fan of the whole shopping experience. I like to walk through the racks of clothes and feel fabrics and try things on in the dressing room. I prefer the instant gratification of immediate purchase as opposed to “your item will ship in 4-5 days and then there will be a 90% chance that it won’t be as cute as depicted on the size 0 model”.

The few exceptions to that rule are Boden and Bluefly, mainly because neither of those sites has a storefront that I can actually visit, which is a good thing because I am more than a little obsessed with Boden and would like to live in their catalog. If I had actual real-life access to this tunic or these shoes, I would be powerless to resist.

And then I’d come home with them and P would make me return them because have I not noticed that the economy is in the toilet?

Sad times.

Have I even answered either of these questions?

Okay, other than Boden and Bluefly, I like to look online at ShopBop, Anthropologie, Gap, Banana Republic, Francescas Collections, Sam Moon, TopShop, J.Crew, Nordstrom and Piperlime.

There is also a great online shopping service that I’ve mentioned before, but I’ll mention it again because it’s been awhile. It’s called Shop It To Me. You create an account where you can enter in the brands you like, the stores you like and the sizes you wear in everything and then twice a week they send you an email listing everything that’s on sale. It’s like your own personal shopper and it is SOLID GOLD.

As for what I think is safe to buy online, I think it all depends on the return policy. If they offer free returns then I wouldn’t hesitate to order something online, but if I’m going to have to pay to ship something back then I’ll usually opt out unless I just have to have it and can’t find it anywhere else.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m a fashion pessimist. I always assume most things won’t fit or might be made of some kind of itchy synthetic alpaca.

Alright. That’s all the questions for today because it’s actually Thursday night and I’m tired. I need to gear up for our weekend ‘o Valentine festivities. And by that I mean we really don’t have much going on other than plans to listen to some Air Supply while eating Candy Conversation Hearts.

I’m putting up the Mr. Linky if anyone wants to add their fashion two-cents.

Y’all have a great Friday!
My character is still developing

Oh my gosh, she totally licked the knife.

I don’t know how I missed it considering that it’s the first thing you see when the video starts, but that may be a clue as to why a career with the CIA would have never worked out for me. I mean, along with the fact that I couldn’t fight my way out of wet paper bag or stop myself from telling people, “I AM TOTALLY A SUPER-COOL SPY JUST LIKE SYDNEY BRISTOW!”

On a different note, I promise I will post pictures of the backhouse at some point, but I really want to wait until I get the door painted because right now it still looks pretty ghetto. Granted, it looks less ghetto than it did a week ago, but it’s ghetto nonetheless. My plan is to get the door painted before the weekend is over. It will be like a little Valentines Day present to myself.

And for those of y’all who are having a hard time sleeping at night for all the wondering about what a backhouse is, you can read a post I wrote about it if you click here. Pour yourself a cup of something with a lot of caffeine because it’s fascinating stuff.

So let me tell y’all what I did yesterday.

I sat in a high school classroom from 9 a.m. until 1:50 p.m. Why? Why would I do that? Because in a fit of enthusiasm, peer pressure and school district loyalty, I signed up to be part of a Strategic Planning Committee on making character a priority in our district.

It’s almost like I forgot everything I know about myself when I volunteered for this assignment, such as the part of my personality that hates meetings and agendas and research. In college I was that girl that you didn’t want in your small group project because I’d look for any excuse to not attend a meeting. There may have even been one instance in 1992 when I had Gulley call the house (no cell phones in ’92) where my group was meeting and tell me I needed to come home because there was a problem with our dog.

We didn’t have a dog.

So, technically, that could have been the problem.

I was all about semantics in the early 1990’s.

Anyway, the problem with finding yourself on a committee with the intent of character development is that you can’t exactly quit just because you’ve decided that it’s a whole lot of meetings and you might rather be painting the door of your backhouse. Oh no, you have to persevere, even though you are probably known as that girl who showed up thirty minutes late to the first meeting with a fresh Route 44 Diet Coke in your hand.

In my defense, I thought the meeting started at 1:30 and purposely left my house early so that I’d have time to stop at Sonic for a Route 44 to sustain me. Unfortunately the meeting started at 1:00 so when I breezed through the door at 1:27, I was more than a little conspicuous. Plus I was holding that dang Diet Coke so everyone knew it wasn’t like I’d just come from an emergency vet appointment with my dog because, CLEARLY, I’d just been to the Sonic.

I wanted to tell the entire room that I’d written the time down wrong and wasn’t trying to make a mockery of character and integrity with my laissez-faire attitude and Route 44 Diet Coke, but instead I just took my walk of shame to the back of the room while managing to knock someone’s very important research papers off their desk.

Since that time I have made it my personal goal to be the best committee member ever. I show up promptly to all the meetings and only leave early when I have something legitimate to do, such as going to get a pedicure.

Today, I left the meeting an hour early to be at the house when Caroline got home from school and we needed to finish her Valentines for the class party on Friday. After an hour of helping her cut, paste and write her classmates’ names somewhat legibly, I was whipped.

But I’d also come up with a brilliant solution.

If we want to build character in the older students in the district, all we need to do is put them in a room for a couple of hours a week with Kindergartners, construction paper, scissors, magic markers, and some glue.

Because patience? It is a virtue.
PB & J, hold the PB

There are times when I kind of wish I had another baby.

And then I remember that the one I have knows how to make her own sandwiches and that they don’t come that way at the beginning.

Jelly Sandwich from Big Mama on Vimeo.

Also, how can you do better than a kid that shares my love for making instructional videos?

By the way, I’ll be forever grateful (or at least grateful until that jar of jelly is finished) that she didn’t stick that knife back in the jar after she licked it.

**Edited to add: Sorry it wasn’t working this morning. I didn’t change my privacy settings because I am a moron.