Year: 2010

  • Fast Eddie

    So many of you asked about yesterday’s pictures that I wanted to let you know that they were taken by P at our friend’s ranch this past Saturday about forty-five minutes south of San Antonio. Which explains not only the mass quantity of wildflowers, but slightly better photography skills that what I usually feature.

    Other than the wildflowers, I can’t remember everything we did last weekend but I can assure you that it involved nothing to get me closer to my goal of having a turquoise kitchen. After I spent most of Thursday afternoon picking up various paint chips from all manner of hardware stores, P wanted to kill my buzz by reminding me that we have cracks in our sheetrock that will need to be taped and floated.

    I don’t really understand all the specifics of the situation but know enough to realize it involves things that are beyond my skill level. Part of me was really tempted to just grab some caulk and throw caution to the wind. However, our kitchen is the first room people see when they walk in our house and it deserves better than my rudimentary floating and taping skills. Hopefully Shorty can get to it at some point in the next few weeks, but P seems to think he needs Shorty to perform his actual job instead of helping me with my home decorating whims. I’ll keep you posted on Project Turquoise because, as God is my witness, I will never go hungry again and I will have turquoise walls.

    On Saturday we had our first soccer game of the season. I can’t really tell you how sad I am that every single one of our games this spring are scheduled for 8:30 or 9:30. Whatever happened to 11:00? Why do people hate 11:00 so much?

    We showed up at the field a little before game time. Caroline had spent the night with Mimi and Bops and she came running across the field to meet us and express her excitement about the beauty of her lavender uniform. As we gathered all the Cheetah Girls around us for a little pre-game pep talk (Remember to kick the ball! Don’t forget to run down the field! There’s no crying in soccer! Mental toughness!) the coach of the opposing team walked over and asked to speak with us. The poor woman appeared to be on the verge of tears as she explained that she didn’t know anything about coaching soccer. She said the only reason she was coaching was because her daughter’s team needed a coach and she didn’t know how to contact all of her players and only two of them had shown up to play. She was afraid the Dragonflies were going to have to forfeit the game.

    Our hearts went out to her because that was us last season. P and I signed up for the whole coaching gig because we played the email version of Chicken with the other players’ parents for an entire weekend before we finally caved and agreed that we could coach the team, forever branding ourselves as BIG SUCKERS. Never mind the fact that what we don’t know about soccer could fill a large, highly uninteresting book.

    Of course I think it speaks volumes about our coaching ability that all of our players wanted to be back on our team for the spring season. Or maybe it just indicates how much their parents don’t want to coach. Whatever. I choose to believe it’s the level of skill and quality of snacks that we’ve brought to the team.

    Since each team needs a least four players to run up and down the field aimlessly, P suggested that we just let the other team substitute in some of our girls so that we could play the game and the girls could have a good time. Their coach was overjoyed with this suggestion and tearfully thanked us for our understanding.

    None of our girls wanted to play for the Dragonflies but we explained the concept of good sportsmanship and that the alternative was to go home and clean their room for a quarter. That seemed to persuade them, so the game began with two of the Cheetah Girls playing for the Dragonflies.

    Well, about two minutes in and after one of our girls had scored a goal for the Dragonflies, their other team members showed up. We immediately pulled our girls back to our side and proceeded to play out the rest of the game. I am sad to report that the Dragonflies promptly destroyed the Cheetah Girls. In fact, I told P that I believe the whole thing was some sort of elaborate Hustler-like scheme to throw us off our game. We were conned into feeling sorry for them and then they laid the SMACK DOWN.

    The coach walked up to us after the game with a big smile on her face and said, “I don’t know where they learned that. It wasn’t from me.”

    Then, clearly, she is fielding a team of future Mia Hamms. Or con artists.

    But I take pride in knowing we had the best snacks and the cutest uniforms. Because that’s what soccer is really all about.

  • Deep in the heart of Texas

    There are wildflowers growing all over Texas right now. And, between all the lovely flowers and the weather, I’d like to wrap the entire state of Texas with a great big bow and send it to every one of y’all.

    Along with some chips and guacamole.

    And maybe some breakfast tacos.

  • Fashion Friday: Edition I can’t quit thinking about turquoise

    I really can’t thank you enough for answering so many of my questions yesterday. Sometimes a girl just needs some input on important things like hair color and underwire.

    You’ll be glad to know (That’s probably overstating it. Chances are good you’re not really going to care one way or the other.) that I’ve decided to get the jeans hemmed to wear with flats and flip-flops. It seems like the right choice given the time of year and the fact that I have a few other pairs of jeans that I can wear with heels. Plus they were only $30.

    (For those of you who asked, I found them at a boutique that was going out of business and bought the last pair in my size. Trust me, I tried with all my might to be a different size in order to acquire more bargain-priced jeans but my efforts proved fruitless. And kind of painful.)

    I also downloaded a few new apps for my phone and have reconciled that I might have to sacrifice some wrinkle prevention in favor of some color on my face this summer.

    The turkey is still in the back yard.

    Mocking me.

    Anyway, it was a little hard to come up with material for today’s Fashion Friday because I am in the midst of a full-blown obsession. FULL-BLOWN.

    About a week ago, I decided that I might want to paint my kitchen a kicky shade of turquoise. I can’t really explain why, but it just feels right in my soul. I waited a few days to mention it to anyone because I thought the feeling might pass. However, my obsession only grew and I found myself googling “turquoise rooms” and looking at paint chips. Then, last night, I mentioned it to Sophie and she told me I had her full support for Project Turquoise.

    And then I mentioned it to P and he asked if I was going to hang some neon beer signs in the kitchen, convert one of the windows to a drive-through, and start serving bean and cheese tacos.

    He is hilarious.

    My thought is that it’s just paint. If I hate it then I can paint over it and laugh about that one time I was dumb enough to think I wanted a turquoise kitchen. I’ll keep you posted on the matter. And if you happen to know a great shade of turquoise paint that says “Tasteful and trendy” as opposed to “Bean and Cheese Tacos only 99 Cents”, please let me know.

    I’m envisioning something along these lines.

    Okay, other than turquoise paint chips, here are a few great things I’ve seen this week.

    1. Flowing Tiers Tank

    I know not everyone is a fan of the ruffled tank thing, but this one is so cute that you might change your mind. It’s thirty-one flavors of adorable.

    2. Linen-blend Boyfriend Shirt

    The website says that these shirts are $24.50, but they’re on sale in the stores for $12.00 and they come in a delightful array of colors, including turquoise. It’s the perfect shirt to wear alone or to layer over a tank top.

    3. Big Buddha Bag

    Sam Moon, the home of cheap jewelry, is now selling Big Buddha handbags. I’m a big fan of the Big Buddha bags and really love this one, but don’t know if I’m really meant to own a white bag. It feels a little bit like tempting fate to rain down cherry-colored Kool-Aid.

    4. One Shoulder Side Ruffle Dress

    I don’t have anywhere to wear this dress, but maybe you do.

    5. Floral Appliqued Knit Tee

    I also love this knit top with rosettes in the black or the yellow.

    The only thing better than a comfortable t-shirt is a comfortable t-shirt with a little something extra.

    6. Pewter Sandals

    I realized the other day that I have a few outfits that could really benefit from a pair of cute shoes in the silver/pewter/metallic category. I have some silver flip-flops, but I wanted something with a heel. My chances of finding what I was looking for didn’t seem great because I figured most heeled shoes in the silver family would be dressier than what I wanted. But I was wrong.

    Pewter/silver/metallic shoes are everywhere. It’s a shoe revolution and I almost missed it.

    I love these wedge sandals

    And these sandals are really pretty if I didn’t need something with a heel. They’d look great with summer dresses though.

    7. Bamboo Shoes

    Speaking of something that would look cute with summer dresses and really anything else, I love these flip-flops by Bamboo. Best of all, they’re only $20.00 and come in a wide variety of colors.

    You’ll notice that I featured the turquoise.

    Shocking.

    Y’all have a great Friday.

  • I need answers

    Here are a few questions running through my head right now:

    Why did Casey James choose Power of Love out of every other number one song that’s ever existed?

    What was up with all the trombones and assorted horned instruments for that matter?

    Why did I have to take Calculus in college when I knew I’d never use it again?

    How do you determine that your dog knows Calculus? And who has that much time on their hands?

    Why did I think it was a good idea to put white tile in my guest bathroom?

    How do I balance using a moisturizer with Retinol to fight wrinkles with my need to use self-tanner on my face to combat all the whiteness? Doesn’t the Retinol just exfoliate the self-tanner right off?

    At what point should I quit pulling my gray hairs and go for the color treatment?

    Should I get my new $30 Joe’s Jeans hemmed to wear with flats or keep them long to wear with heels?

    Are there any iPhone apps that I need to have yet don’t know about?

    Why can’t Jill and Bethenny just work it out?

    Why don’t more swimsuit designers use underwire when so many of us clearly need it?

    Is there anyone out there who really wants to wear a booty bra?

    And, most importantly, why is there a fake turkey in my backyard?

    Thank you in advance for any answers you can provide to these very important questions.

  • Closet confessions

    I’m not sure what came over me, perhaps fear of the IRS, but on Monday morning I finally got all our tax stuff together, laid hands on it and prayed for mercy, then sent it all to our accountant so he can call us in a few weeks and let us know how many weeks we’re going to have to eat hot dogs without buns (or if it’s really bad, buns without hot dogs) to be able to write a check to the government. For obvious reasons, this will be more painful this year than ever before and not just because I’d rather spend the money on a new pair of shoes or granite countertops.

    I have a tendency to obsessively clean and throw out clutter when I start to feel like things are out of my control, so I guess that’s why I came home from the post office and decided I couldn’t wait another minute before I cleaned out my closet and put up all my winter clothes. It has been the coldest winter I can remember and they are all officially dead to me. Except for my Timberland boots. They still have my heart. I just don’t want to wear them again for another six months.

    So I began the process of switching out my winter clothes with my summer clothes. And, honestly, it was depressing because I wasn’t nearly as excited to see the majority of my summer clothes as I hoped I’d be. I had kind of hoped that maybe, against all odds, they’d spent the winter procreating at the top of my closet and making all manner of cute skirts, tops and a great pair of nude wedge heels. But no. It was the same sad assortment of clothes that I put up last October. No new skirts. No cute tops. A nary a pair of nude wedge heels to be found.

    I’m trying to console myself with the fact that once summer actually gets here I won’t care about looking cute as much as trying to stay cool. Which means all I’ll really need is a swimsuit. Never mind. I just got more depressed.

    And I’m also pretty sure I hear the voice of Jillian Michaels taunting me.

    Whenever I clean out my closet I make a point of giving away anything I haven’t worn during whatever season just ended, so I made a pile of a few sweaters, faded turtlenecks that shouldn’t have made the cut last year, and a few unfortunate pairs of pants.

    Like these.

    Red corduroy pants. I don’t even know what to say.

    But for every item that doesn’t make the closet cut, there are those that do and probably shouldn’t.

    I wore that dress to my ten year high school reunion and many of you may remember that I attended my TWENTY year high school reunion this past summer. I know I’ll never wear it again, mainly because it’s a size 0. And, let’s be honest, that paisley isn’t helping matters.

    But yet I can’t throw it out because I LOVED it when I bought it. From Harold’s. Eleven years ago.

    There’s also this.

    I bought this when Gulley and I went to New York back in 2002. I’d just been through a miserable summer after having a terrible miscarriage and decided that nothing would make me feel better than owning a long denim jacket with a big fake fur collar.

    I blame the hormones and the sorrow.

    I’ve worn it one time, but yet it remains because it reminds me of a time when I believed that wearing Chewbaca as a collar would make me feel better.

    Oh, this zebra skirt.

    I bought it to wear to my sister’s rehearsal dinner and I don’t know that I’ve ever liked a piece of clothing as much as I liked this skirt. My sister and her husband are about to celebrate their tenth wedding anniversary, the hem of that skirt is way too long and it has turquoise fringed beading. Yet it remains.

    Maybe Caroline can wear it to a LATE 90’s theme party someday.

    And then there’s my last black business suit.

    It’s the last wardrobe evidence of my career in pharmaceutical sales. And if I had to actually put it on I’d probably break out in hives and start to hyperventilate.

    Or I might begin to give you a lecture on the importance of a cholesterol medication raising your hdl while it simultaneously lowers you ldl. And then offer to bring you Chinese food if you’d just please prescribe my drug so I don’t get fired.

    I tell myself that I can’t get rid of it because what if some super important business opportunity comes up and I need to look professional?

    Because what looks more professional than a five year old black suit with a greasy Kung Pao chicken stain on the lapel?

    Lastly, there is the Nicole Miller dress.

    I paid way too much for it back in 2001, but it was worth it. Gulley and I call it the miracle dress because it sucks everything in and makes you look instantly thinner.

    Sadly, I thought the miracle could work for me in September of 2003. I’d just had Caroline five weeks earlier and was invited to a friend’s ultra-fancy 40th birthday party. Somehow I Spanxed, girdled, and lacquered myself into that dress for the party. I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life, but I thought I looked good. Bless my heart.

    Photographic evidence would later reveal that I looked like a sausage stuffed into a beautifully embroidered Asian casing. I’m keeping the dress as a reminder that just because you can get something on doesn’t mean you should wear it out in public.

    The good news is that my closet is officially clean and will remain that way for at least the next day and a half or until I can’t find my favorite pair of jeans.

    Wow. I own a lot of white shirts.

  • I know I have beaten this horse to death

    Have I mentioned that we went on a road trip for Spring Break? I can’t really remember.

    I solemnly vow that after today I will never speak of it again.

    Here are Caroline’s thoughts on our Spring Break.

    Spring Break from Big Mama on Vimeo.

    Here are my thoughts on her thoughts:

    1. Yes, it’s hard not to notice that she’s wearing camo, but she always likes to note what she’s wearing. I don’t know where she gets it.

    Also, for those of you familiar with Waco, TX (you have my deepest sympathies) that is a shirt from George’s Bar. I realize it’s probably a little inappropriate for my child to wear a shirt advertising a bar, but it’s rare to find hot pink and camo living together in peace and harmony so we had to buy it.

    2. Jackson really was her first friend. However, I’m not sure Will was her third considering that she really wanted nothing to do with him until he started to talk.

    3. Yesterday was my day to help out in her classroom and I arrived in time to hear the kids go around in a circle and tell about their Spring Breaks. When it got to Caroline, she said, “We went to Houston and I bought these new shoes.”

    I’m so glad that’s what stands out.

    Also, it’s hard to tell from the video, but she chose the most understated, simple shoes she could find.

    They’re very subtle. Did I mention they light up and provide enough illumination for incoming aircrafts to land?

    4. Is it just me or does she totally channel Salley O’Malley there at the end? She can kick. She can stretch. She can kick.

    That’s what I thought.