Year: 2012

The crabs of wrath

So I didn’t go get my free coffee yesterday. I had every intention of doing so but we’re in the midst of finally getting the holes in our wall fixed and the hole guy told me he’d be at our house first thing in the morning, by which he apparently meant noon.

Of course I can’t really throw stones because I live in the same glass house where first thing in the morning often means noon. Or maybe it’s more appropriate to say I live in a house with holes in the walls.

By the time I realized that our hole guy and I have the same view of morning, it was too late for me to make it to Starbucks because I desperately needed to go the grocery store since P was out of Natural White Cheddar Cheeto Puffs again. It’s a wonder he survived.

But we were also out of milk. And bread. And down to one roll of toilet paper. Plus, we’re in the midst of searching for the perfect powdered donut now that Hostess Donettes are no longer available. And by we, I mean Caroline and P. I know you’ll be as relieved as I was to discover that they have finally found Mrs. Baird’s to be an acceptable substitute. It’s just a shame that Mrs. Baird doesn’t make a chocolate cupcake with a white swirl across the top.

Okay, so let me tell you about the house.

This is just a glimpse of how it looks right now.

Not pictured: Industrial size trash can in the corner of the dining room.

I know what you’re thinking. How quick can you pin that on Pinterest? It’s pretty much what every woman wants her home to look like for the holidays.

But the good news is it should look a whole lot better in about a week. And I’m already planning to leave my tree up until at least January 7th so I can get a full month of beautifully lit Christmas tree.

And the even better news is that the built-ins are almost finished.

They need to be painted, obviously. And the cabinet doors aren’t ready. But, still. Look at all that potential storage space.

Speaking of storage space, I believe I mentioned that I was in the middle of a massive clean out last week in anticipation of all the painting and whatnot that I knew was about to happen. And while I was busy organizing, I had a major revelation.

Kristen Chenoweth should not be dating Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor.

Well, that. And that I had all my china and crystal stemware stored in one of my main kitchen cabinets.

True confessions, I’ve used it like four times ever. And that’s being generous. We are not china people. Don’t get me wrong, it’s gorgeous and, other than P, it’s one of the few things I picked out in my twenties that I don’t regret. But a fancy night for us is when we eat on our real dishes instead of paper plates.

What I’m saying is there is no reason it should be taking up prime time kitchen space. So I moved it all to the cabinets above my ovens that are really only accessible if I pull out a step stool.

Now I have room to store my everyday dishes in a nice wide open space where they aren’t crowded.

And, needless to say, the coffee mugs are thrilled to finally have a space to call their own.

Even if they have to share some of it with a little basket that holds all our vitamins and Advil because we’re in our forties and need Advil almost daily for one thing or another. There’s also two boxes of Zyrtec D in there because P keeps putting it on my grocery list and I keep buying it. Which I’m sure means I’m on some sort of Meth Lab watch list.

So this is how life turns out. One day you’re nineteen and excitedly picking out what outfit you’re going to wear to the big party on Saturday night and then you turn around and you’re forty-one and thrilled to use 700 words on the internet to tell people how your kitchen cabinets are organized.

It feels like a low.

Except for the fact that I’m so excited about all the space I’ve freed up in my kitchen that I can hardly stand it. I was actually excited to unload the dishwasher today.

Oh wait. There’s the low.

In other clean out news, I decided to take the opportunity to get rid of Caroline’s hermit crabs and the accompanying crabitat they lived in. Normally I might have felt guilty about this, but Phillip had died almost three months ago and it took her every bit of two and a half months to even notice. However, we were left with Big Daddy and Clementine.

I wasn’t sure what you do with unwanted crabs (all of a sudden this sounds like a late night infomercial) but didn’t feel like I could just throw them away. So I do what I do in all complicated situations, I set the crabitat with the crabs outside on the table on the back porch and told P to handle it.

For some reason, he decided to put Clementine and Big Daddy in the dog’s water bucket to let them have one last swim or something. I don’t know. But then his phone rang and he forgot about them and left for the ranch. All I know is I looked outside hours later and noticed Scout was acting weird about drinking water.

And when I went to investigate, there were Big Daddy and Clementine swimming happily in the water dish. Heaven knows it’s probably the only water they’d had in weeks since Caroline is like the crab-version of Dr. Kevorkian.

About that time, Caroline was about to come outside and I didn’t want her to see the crabs and be reminded of their existence. So I hurriedly pulled them out of the dog’s water, set them down behind it and went inside.

And when I finally remembered what I’d done hours later, I discovered they were nowhere to be found. They made a mass crab exodus. If you consider two crabs to constitute a mass exodus. And I do because, let’s be honest, two crabs is really two crabs too many to have roaming freely in your backyard.

But maybe they packed their teeny tiny crab bags and left our house for good. They’re like little crab Joads in search of a better life.

Here’s hoping they find it.

Before Caroline finds them.
The palace made it official

Well. By the time most of you read this I will have claimed my free cup of coffee at Starbucks. Because unless you were under a rock yesterday and watching nothing but the Home Shopping Network or are like my dad and only read “real news”, then you know that the palace made the official announcement that Princess Kate is expecting a baby.

Apparently they weren’t planning to announce it this soon, but she had to be hospitalized because she has Hyperemesis gravidarum. Which is a fancy way of saying she needs to carry around a yuck bucket since she has severe morning sickness. And that just goes to show that being a princess may get you beautiful clothes and fantastic hair, but at the end of the day princesses throw up just like the rest of us. The difference is they can wear a diamond tiara while they lay on the bathroom floor and pray for mercy.

Speaking of being sick, Caroline started running a fever last Thursday night. She came out a few times to tell me her stomach didn’t feel good, but I wasn’t convinced it wasn’t just a stalling technique. But then I laid down next to her and realized her legs were on fire. Her forehead rarely gets warm when she runs fever, but her legs become some sort of furnace. Like they could heat a small country.

And so we spent all of Thursday night and most of Friday trying to keep her fever down until it finally broke for good late Friday afternoon. She was scheduled to play in a soccer tournament on Saturday and I thought it wasn’t going to happen, but she popped out of bed early Saturday morning ready to go. In case you’ve never noticed, kids are resilient.

We had three soccer games and so most of Saturday was spent driving back and forth to the soccer fields. I did manage to watch half of the first quarter of the SEC Championship game between games, but other than that the big game for me involved nine-year-old girls and a soccer ball.

Most of Sunday was spent recovering from Saturday.

And that’s what has been going on here.

It seems like there should be more, but I spoke earlier this evening at my church and I think my brain is tired. So I’m going to head to bed. And dream about my free grande latte.
Fashion Friday: Edition Pure Charity and an AWESOME giveaway

Okay. There was a little bit of confusion yesterday because I am an idiot and accidentally posted this post as password protected on Thursday afternoon. And some of y’all started emailing and asking for the password.

It was like Fashion Friday had gone undercover. The whole thing reminded me of that episode of 90210 when they were trying to find some secret party and had to bring an egg to a convenience store to find out the location. But without the high-waisted acid washed jeans and big hair.

Anyway, today is going to be awesome.

Remember a few weeks back when I told y’all about Pure Charity? You create an account. Then you register your credit or debit cards (it’s all very secure) and then every time you spend money at participating retailers a percentage of your purchase goes into an account that you can then give to various charities. And there are over 1,000 online retailers like Gap, Target, Forever 21, Apple. Places we already shop all the time. Except now they’re giving us the opportunity to give back as we spend money. It’s the most brilliant thing ever.

For instance, this week I have several things from Nordstrom on Fashion Friday. And if you are signed up with Pure Charity, Nordstrom gives a whopping 4.5% of your purchase back to your Pure Charity account and you can determine what cause you’d like it to go to. Amazing.

For even more information, you can read this blog post by Jen Hatmaker about Pure Charity. She explains the whole thing in great detail.

You just have to click on my link to sign up or on this precious face below. And then all your Christmas purchases will have the benefit of helping you make a difference.

As an added incentive to become a part of Pure Charity, they’ve given us an incredibly fun gift. They have given me a budget to buy one of everything I’m featuring today on Fashion Friday and give it away. The only thing you have to do for a chance to win is sign up here at Pure Charity and leave a comment on this post letting me know the top three or four things you’d choose from today’s post if you are one of the winners.

I’ll use Random.org to choose winners and do my best to make sure each person receives one of the things you list in your comments. Y’all, there are no guarantees here. It may end up as you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. But I’m waiting to buy everything until after the winners are announced so I can get you the size you need for whichever item you win.

Does any of this make sense?

Once you join Pure Charity, there are simple instructions to add the browser plug in – and as you can see below – the button will pop up on all participating sites and show you how much you will get to put in your giving fund.

These are the three projects I’d like us to back – you can pick any of the below to help with your giving fund. Once you’ve signed up and activated your free account, select which project you’ll back with me.

I’ll be giving updates as we fund projects.

It’s just such an easy way to put your money to good use by just doing what you normally do and not having to budget for it separately.

And, now, for the great stuff you have a chance to win. Which also happens to all be stuff I love.

1. Old Navy waffle-knit sweater scarf

Old Navy gives back 2% of your purchase price to your Pure Charity account. This scarf is $14.94. So I’ll let you do the math.

Seriously, I’ll let you do the math. I’m terrible at it.

But how cute is this scarf? It comes in a bunch of different colors and I just love it.

2. Nordstrom kendra scott danielle oval necklace

Nordstrom is currently giving back 4.5 % of your purchase. This gorgeous necklace is $58.00 because Nordstrom doesn’t add that ninety-four cents nonsense like Old Navy. What’s that about?

Anyway, I seriously love this necklace. There are several color options and all of them are gorgeous.

3. hue denim leggings from Nordstrom.

This is another item from Nordstrom. And as I typed that sentence I began to feel like the announcer on The Price is Right. These are $39 and are some of the best leggings ever.

In fact, they are a true jegging. They are leggings that look like jeans. Which means they are much more comfortable. And they come in a ton of colors.

4. J. Crew gold bangle set

J. Crew gives back 5%. Well done, J. Crew. You’ve always been my favorite.

These gold bangles are so pretty and perfect for layering with all manner of other bracelets. It’s like a party for your arm.

What on earth does that even mean?

5. Old Navy softest blanket wrap cardi

This is $42.94 at Old Navy. What the actual heck, Old Navy? Seriously? Why not just call it $43?

Your pricing is weird, but your cardigan is lovely. We’ll take it.

6. piperlime hive & honey layered petal necklace

I adore this necklace. It’s the perfect thing to add a little something extra to almost any outfit.

Piperlime gives back 2.5% of your purchase. This necklace is $26.00.

Seriously, you’re going to have to do the math.

7. hue color block over the knee socks from Nordstrom

Now I wouldn’t wear these over my knee because I’m not in my twenties. But I would absolutely wear them scrunched down a little over the top of my boots. So cute.

And they come in other color options, too.

8. minnetonka 3-layer fringe boot from Nordstrom

Listen. Pocahontas knew a good boot. I mean, that may not be in the history books, but I think these moccasins speak for themselves. These are $89.95 at Nordstrom so 4.5% of that purchase will go back to my account.

And one of you will have great boots to show for it.

9. Gap cable poncho

Gap gives back 3%. This poncho is $69.95. And I have been eyeing it for weeks now. Weeks. The only reason I haven’t bought it is because P has seen it on Fashion Friday and knows it’s more than $15.00.

But maybe now that I’m shopping and giving back to charities at the same time, he’ll see it differently. Yes, I’m getting this new poncho but it’s so the orphans can have Christmas presents. Won’t anyone think of the children?

10. kate spade new york stud earrings

These are $38 and so, so pretty. I love all the colors and, frankly, if you win these I have no idea how you’ll ever decide. Personally, I go back and forth between the pink and this aqua color.

So that’s it. For a chance to win one of these items, here’s a recap of what you need to do:

1. Click here to create a Pure Charity account if you don’t have one already.

2. Leave a comment letting me know you signed up and tell me your top three, four, or eight picks from everything on Fashion Friday today. One comment only, duplicates will be deleted.

3. I’ll leave comments open until Monday at noon. At that time I will draw ten winners using Random.org.

4. I will then contact each winner by email in the order I drew their name to find out what size, color, etc. they would like in the item they’ve won. You have 48 hours to contact me after I email or I will choose another winner.

5. Gifts will be ordered and shipped directly to the winners. I will verify that each winner actually signed up for Pure Charity.

6. We all get to make a difference with our Christmas shopping this year and so really everybody wins.

That’s it. If my math is right (and there is no guarantee) somewhere in the neighborhood of $15.00 will go back to my Pure Charity account to go toward the projects we’re backing. It may not seem like much, but imagine if a thousand of us all signed up for Pure Charity before we did our Christmas shopping. It adds up.

Y’all have a great Friday.
The real toy story

So I believe I’ve mentioned that we have holes in our walls. And that we’re getting some built-ins installed at some point.

And while these two things were going to take place many months ago (in my mind at least) it didn’t really turn out that way for various and sundry reasons. Scheduling, the orbit of Jupiter, etc.

We have been living in a fair share of disarray over the last several months because of all the non-construction going on. Our T.V. is on a church pew. We still have the armoire that used to house our old T.V. in a corner of the living room, and the playroom could be declared a natural disaster. The only good thing about that is we wouldn’t have to worry that FEMA would actually show up.

And I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it, but we have holes in our walls.

But all these things are going to be fixed in the next week or so. And, thus, I dedicated all of yesterday to cleaning out the playroom and organizing Caroline’s room and emptying the armoire of all manner of antiquated technology.

Needless to say, I am bone tired.

However, I just want to say that if the premise of the Toy Story movie franchise has any truth in it, then I am deeply concerned about things that are happening under my roof.

First, there was this.

Okay. Fine. It’s a pom-pom in the bottom of a bird cage. I’m sure there’s an explanation.

But then I discovered this.

What does it all mean? Is it a mummy? Is it a prisoner? Is it Mad Eye Moody locked in the trunk at Hogwarts? I don’t understand.

Then I encountered the most disturbing thing of all.

I just can’t even.

For the love, Ken, have some decency.

After I moved on from that shady scene, I began to clean out the armoire. And that’s when I discovered it was housing a long forgotten dinosaur.

That’s right, baby. The Sony SIX DISC CHANGER stereo system complete with CASSETTE PLAYER and MEGA BASS. Not just your usual bass. MEGA BASS.

Let me tell you that my college roommates and I put that MEGA bass to good use from 1991-1994. That six disc changer has seen its share of Bel Biv Devoe and Digital Underground.

But wait. There’s more. As if the MEGA bass and six disc changer weren’t enough.

The speakers had the option of attaching to the side thereby making the whole thing extremely portable with its giant handle and eight foot antennae.

Who needs an iPod when you have that? It even came with a remote control to make life that much easier.

The nineties were awesome.

And on a sweet, sentimental note, I found this picture from a few years ago in one of Caroline’s old sketchpads.

Needless to say, it will enjoy a kinder fate than the Sony stereo system because MELT MY HEART. Even though I’m not sure why P is so small. And I’m afraid my hair needed a little help.

See y’all tomorrow for Fashion Friday. Heads up that it will be a HUGE giveaway. Don’t miss it.
All roads lead to Rome. Or my hair.

You know what else I totally forgot to mention over the last few days? The cover of US Weekly that is declaring “A BABY FOR CHRISTMAS!” from Kate and Wills.

A few of you emailed to tell me it looks like I’ve won my bet with my friend at Starbucks. And I wholeheartedly agree. In fact, I walked into Starbucks on Monday morning and told him he owes me a cup of coffee because there is a bun in the royal oven.

He asked me for my source and when I said US Weekly he told me he was going to need me to cite a more reliable source. As if that even exists. What more could he want? A phone call from Pippa?

But, listen. I’m a fair person. I don’t want to claim my free grande peppermint mocha through false information. So I agreed we could wait for a more official source.

In the meantime we have a new bet as to whether or not Johnny Manziel will win the Heisman. I think you all know how I feel about that.

And, in other news, P thinks I might need to find a new Starbucks since my usual one has turned me into some sort of pop culture bookie.

Speaking of Princess Kate, I need to talk about hair. Specifically, hair products.

A few weeks ago I mentioned a hair revelation in the form of Kenra Thermal Styling Spray. I don’t expect any of you to really remember it because you have more important things to do with your life than worrying about my hair. However, I don’t have more important things to do with my life than worrying about my hair. Unless you count the fact that P was out of Natural White Cheddar Cheetos on Monday and needed me to go to HEB immediately to rectify the situation.

You’ll be glad to know it turned out all right. It was scary there for a moment.

Anyway, what I said was that I’d learned the secret to lasting curl and, therefore, lasting happiness is a 1.5 inch Hot Tools curling iron and Kenra Thermal Styling Spray.

Then, in one of the best things that has ever happened to me, the nice people at Kenra offered to send me a few more products to try. They didn’t even ask me to do anything for them in return which was so nice because I hate the pressure of a review. I mean, what if I hate the product? What do I do then?

But I have loved everything so much that I have to tell you about my favorites, in addition to the thermal styling spray that already had my love and devotion.

This is in no certain order. It would be like choosing a favorite child.

1. platinum blow-dry spray

Okay, this claims to decrease the amount of time it takes to blow dry your hair while also offering protection from the heat. It’s also supposed to help with frizz and humidity.

But who cares about all that? Because did you read the part about decreasing your blow dry time?

And it totally does. This has possibly been life-changing for me because it takes a sweet forever to dry my hair and this has absolutely made a difference. I love it. I’ll never be without it again.

2. platinum dry shampoo

This might be my favorite. I know I said I didn’t have a favorite, but if Vidal Sassoon held a gun to my head and made me choose, this is it. Last week my hair really needed to be washed, but I didn’t realize it was too late to do anything about it. Then I remembered I had dry shampoo and LO AND BEHOLD a miracle occurred.

It wasn’t quite the fishes and loaves, but it helped me in my time of hair need by giving me extra volume and the illusion of clean hair. LOVE.

3. volume spray 25

Best hairspray ever. It’s got the hold of Aqua Net but without the smell. But it’s not like a hairnet hold, it’s just enough to make curl stay all day and give me volume when I pull it back in a ponytail or something. I’ll buy it again and again.

So there you have it. My new can’t live without hair products. And I’m even including a picture of my hair even though there’s a good chance P will see it and make fun of me because I can’t manage to smile and take a picture of myself at the same time.

Also, my forehead looks big. And some Retin A might be in order.

Which brings me back around to my bangs or no bangs dilemma.

Because there are always new hair problems to be solved.
Not on a plane, not on a train

I can’t believe I forgot to mention the passing of JR Ewing. When I first saw it on Twitter late Saturday night, I hoped it was just a false rumor. Like the time I said Ed McMahon had died and he hadn’t. Or the time people said Donny and Marie weren’t the greatest singing duo ever.

But, sadly, it’s true. JR Ewing is no longer with us and I feel like a piece of my childhood has died. Granted, it’s a piece filled with adultery and backstabbing and all manner of inappropriate content, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t hear the opening music to Dallas without immediately thinking about Friday nights at my Me-Ma and Pa-Pa’s house. They did love a good soap opera.

JR Ewing? You will always be my favorite villain.

And I think it’s safe to say that new Dallas will fail without him. Jesse Metcalf and his eyebrows will never fill the void left by JR.

This also seems like a good time to share my Christmas decorating situation. Which is to say that there isn’t one because I haven’t even begun to decorate. I haven’t even gone through the motions of getting P to drag down our boxes from the attic.

But here’s why.

We still have holes in our walls.

I know. We are living like savages.

There are so many reasons why our walls still haven’t been fixed and painted and I’d share them all with you but you would wake up four hours later with hair matted to your face where you wept tears of boredom before you finally fell asleep.

The short version is that the walls are being repaired and painted next week. And we’re also getting built-ins installed so our T.V. will finally have a home that isn’t my antique church pew. So until all that happens I can’t even think about putting up a Christmas tree.

And here’s the thing. I resent being made to feel like a slacker because it’s November 27th and I still have pumpkins on my porch and my dining room table. What if I just like to savor Thanksgiving? What if I just want to live in the now?

What if the fact that it’s still 80 degrees every other day makes it feel absurd to hear Let It Snow on the radio constantly?

Of course no one is really making me feel like a slacker except myself. Well, me and the neighbors who have their yard lit up like a game on The Price is Right. And all those people who keep posting pictures of their Elf on a Shelf taking a bath in mini-marshmallows or being tied up by Lego people.

I would have never brought that Elf into our home had I known it was going to have to perform at that level. I thought it was what the box said, AN ELF. ON A SHELF.

Not in a tub. Not on a boat. Not with a goat.

So here’s where I ask a few questions. Have you already decorated for Christmas? Did you buy a real tree? Are you worried it’s going to be deader than new Dallas by Christmas? Is deader a word?

Also, do you know where I can find some cute Christmas stockings? If I ever get around to decorating, we could really use some new ones.

And on a different note, I wanted to mention the Ladies Christmas Celebration this Monday, December 3rd at River City Community Church. I’m going to be speaking and, even better, there’s going to be music and shopping and just fun in general. It’s only $5 to attend and you can find out more on their information page if you’re interested.