I realize that some of you wanted to see a picture of the offensive earrings that required my daughter to pray them away like something that smelled bad, and I would totally show them to you except I’m way too busy to get up, pause the DVR, find the camera and take a picture.
But there isn’t much to see anyway since the earrings are just plain, silver hoops.
I’m not sure why they were offensive, especially to someone who wears clip-on earrings with a picture of Barbie’s face on them.
Anyway, we had a pretty uneventful weekend around here, which seems to be a trend. However, I learned two things over the weekend.
No wait, I learned three.
1. If I could be any Hollywood star (which other than my lack of acting ability, I’m not sure what’s standing in my way) I would be the lovely Jennifer Garner. Her dress was spectacular last night. Her hair was divine. Her makeup was impeccable.
2. I’m not sure what up with John Travolta’s hair, but it appeared that he had used some type of spray-on hair paint. In a color that could only be called “Eddie Munster Black”.
3. If you happen to use Jergens Self-Tanning Lotion, do not store the bottle in its upright position. This is tricky because it’s in a tube that will make you think you can set it down on its flip-top cap. Wrong. This will cause maximum self-tan waste, although with any luck the shelf-lining of my bathroom cabinet will look fresh and sun-kissed by morning.
I realize that last item doesn’t have anything to do with the Academy Awards, however, it was the most valuable discovery of my weekend.
The weather was gorgeous. Sunny. 80 degrees. Not a cloud in the sky. The kind of weather that turns my thoughts to my pasty, winter-white skin and the need for a little glow.
We spent a lot of time outside so I hoped I had gotten a little natural color going, but something odd has happened to me in my mid-30’s. I don’t tan. I also don’t really burn. I just stay the same. It’s as if my pigment has died on the inside, much like my love for Ricky Schroeder did after “Silver Spoons” went off the air.
In spite of some time in the sun (And I know, sunscreen, ozone, blah, blah, blah. Can’t we focus on the positives, like my awesome intake of Vitamin D?) I remain winter white. So, I decided it was time for some self-tanner because, after waking up this morning with a wrinkle running through my forehead that was so deep I could feel it with my hand before I ever looked in the mirror, I need all the help I can get.
P didn’t help matters when he saw an old picture of the two of us sitting on the desk. He asked, “When was this taken?” I told him it was taken right after we got married, so about ten years ago. He replied, “Man, we are not going to look good in ten more years.”
What’s with the “we”? I don’t know what his plans are but I’m going to fight it with everything I have.
And, currently, what I have is a bottle of self-tanner that is now more than half-empty.
I’m probably going to need something else.