Author: Big Mama

So we arrived in Bryan on Monday night, full of various barbecued meats and plans to visit the drive through safari in Franklin, Texas on Tuesday. This wasn’t really because we were dying to actually to drive through a large pasture full of camels in Franklin as much as just wanting to do something different than what we’ve done in the past because the kids had specifically requested that we take the road trip back to its hodgepodge roots of total and complete randomness.

But as we drove into College Station, we went right past the Texas A&M Veterinary School. Since we are unbelievably and incomprehensibly at a stage in life where our kids are thinking about what they might actually want to be when they grow up, we decided to see if we could schedule a tour of the vet school. Caroline has been wanting to do this for years, but tours are only allowed for kids ages 13 and up so this was our year. We booked a tour for 3:00 on Tuesday and no one minded sleeping in and being lazy until it was time to head that way.

It was seriously so impressive. We all loved the tour and I think it gave Caroline all the incentive she needed to work hard to get there one of these days. They told us about an elephant they brought in for X-Rays who was so excited to be in an air-conditioned room that she swayed back and forth for six hours before they could get her to be still enough to finish the X-Ray. I believe that elephant is my spirit animal.

After that we went and grabbed a bite to eat and then went to see Wonder Woman. It was as good as I’ve heard it was and we all loved it. Wonder Woman has caused me to set some serious hair goals for myself because her hair was incredible throughout the entire movie but, you know, she’s not called Wonder Woman for no reason. She is also a fierce warrior but that hair was a wonder all on its own.

Before we left on the trip, we had talked about going to Waco to visit the Silos at Magnolia Market and then I remembered hearing something about Waco having the world’s largest lazy river. A google search confirmed this information and Gulley and I decided it was worth a visit even though we read various online reviews that said things like this:

“It consisted of me and another one of my girlfriends hopping on our blow up swan and crossing the water to meet the Lemurs. Coolest little guys ever. They love bananas and grapes and were just as excited to meet us.”

“The lazy river is disgusting. It’s dirt water and warm and too long. We wanted to get out faster so we just started swimming.”

I mean we are people who have willingly visited a Snake Farm so why are we going to let a few Yelp reviews that allude to dirty water and safety hazards and lemurs scare us away from a place? The spirit of the road trip is to embrace all that life throws our way and sometimes that can look like water that’s been dyed a weird color. And lemurs.

Honey decided she’d make the trip to Waco with us because she is a fan of a lazy river and had also been wanting to visit Magnolia Market. We headed out about around 10:30 a.m. and made the hour and a half drive to Magnolia. We were in the blue Suburban and the benefit of the Suburban is that Gulley, Honey and I could all sit in the front seat and put the kids in the back.

I’m going to be honest, we were all a little skeptical that Magnolia wouldn’t live up to the hype. I mean I love Chip and Joanna as much as the next person but I’ve never viewed Waco as a tourist stop. All that to say, we were basically drinking the Magnolia kool-aid about three seconds after walking onto the grounds.

We walked around for a little while, checking out the various food trucks that are set up, and then went into Magnolia Market to shop. There was a leather bag there that I’m still thinking about and I’m a little sad I didn’t commit at the time. After that, we decided that getting a cupcake or six from the bakery was totally worth waiting in line for and the line actually moved really quickly and the cupcakes and other baked goods were totally worth it.

We ended up trying a bacon cheddar biscuit, a red velvet cupcake, a chocolate cupcake, a chocolate cupcake with white icing, and a cinnamon roll. They were all delicious but I think my personal favorite was the bacon cheddar biscuit because I am a fan of a savory baked good. Then we decided we needed to eat real food so the boys got pizza from one of the food trucks and Caroline found herself a watermelon slushy served in an actual watermelon.

While everyone finished eating, I walked around to the garden section and found a small “shed” that I would like P to replicate in our back yard someday if we ever tear down our existing back house and build a new one.

How hard could that be? It would take – what – like a weekend?

I’d also like this garden. I mean I would certainly kill it but it would look so pretty before I did.

Gulley and I got so tickled because we started visiting with this nice lady from New Jersey (that was one amazing thing about Magnolia…there were people there from all over which I guess disproves my thoughts on Waco not being a tourist destination) and she was asking us if the cupcakes were worth the wait. We told her they were and she said, “I look at all this and feel like such a dope. I can’t even bake and Joanna creates all this amazing stuff and can bake great cupcakes.” And so I guess that elephant at Texas A&M and this lady from New Jersey are my spirit animals.

After that, we left Magnolia and drove to the outskirts of Waco (Mexia, Texas to be exact) to check out the BSR Cable Park, home of the world’s largest lazy river and the Royal Flush slide. We followed Siri’s instructions on how to get there and I am not kidding when I tell we all believed that Siri was taking us out to the middle of nowhere and leaving us for dead. We drove past trailer parks and small houses on a road that was barely wide enough for two cars to pass and I nearly ran over three dogs before we finally arrived. But, all of a sudden, it appeared on the horizon and we drove through the gates. We parked, went in and signed our waivers (We all agreed that we probably should’ve read them more closely than we did but whatever) and decided to float the lazy river first before deciding if the kids could attempt the slides.

I have no photos of the lazy river because I left my phone in the car but I just need you to know that the water is dyed that same blue color as the water on the log ride at Six Flags. It’s a color not found in nature. It was a color so murky that you couldn’t really see through it to see the steps down into the lazy river. You would think maybe we would’ve decided it wasn’t worth the risk of looking like a Smurf to enjoy a forty-five minute float on a lazy river, but you overestimate us. We all hopped in our tubes and took off down the river. And while I don’t know if it’s actually the world’s longest lazy river, it is certainly the slowest. I believe Gulley described it best when she said, “It’s like someone dug a long ditch through the middle of a pasture, filled it with water, dyed it blue and decided people might pay $20 to float in it.”

Yep.

We consider ourselves to be lazy river experts. We love a lazy river. We’ve floated the river at the JW Marriott, The Hyatt Hill Country, The Flying J Ranch, and The Hyatt Lost Pines. We’ve floated the actual Guadalupe and Comal Rivers but, prior to Wednesday, we had never floated a river that felt as questionable as this one. We didn’t see any lemurs so that was either a plus or a minus depending on your thoughts on lemurs, but we did have one gentleman pass by us in a tube and he was filling up his tube with empty beer cans that he dug out of the trash bins located around the river. Honey asked, “Do you work here?” and he replied, “Nope” as he continued to fill his tube with more cans. I don’t even know, y’all.

Once we made it around the lazy river, we decided an additional time around wasn’t really necessary or maybe the word is sanitary. So we headed over to the Royal Flush and the kids spent the next four hours going down the slides over and over and over again. We kept thinking they would surely get tired of walking up that ramp, but we were wrong. They loved it. They slid down those slides and high-fived each other and ran back up to go again as soon as they got out of the water. I think they must have done it about fifty times and those slides represent the very heart of all that the road trip is intended to be; impulsive, a little scary and totally not a normal day. But so worth it because how else would we know that there is a cobra living in what appears to be old office furniture at a Snake Farm in New Braunfels or that you can swim in blue water all day and not actually turn blue?

Meanwhile, Gulley, Honey and I learned that there is still a place in America where it’s socially acceptable to walk around in your swimsuit in a public place while smoking a cigarette and holding a six pack of beer in the other hand. We also learned that many people will ignore signs that warn “No Cussing” and that there is still a place where cussing is forbidden, yet floating down a man-made, artificially blue river with large quantities of alcohol and bags of Doritos is encouraged. And to that I say, GOD BLESS AMERICA. It may even explain why several people opted to wear string bikinis that looked like the American flag.

We finally got back to Honey and Big’s house about 8:00 p.m. and agreed that we all needed a hot shower and dinner in that order. Also, that it had been a really great day even though we didn’t get to feed a lemur a grape. In fact, you could say we were all as happy as an elephant getting an X-Ray in an air-conditioned room.

Okay, so first things first, I am so excited that we are working on putting together a launch team for my new book, Church of the Small Things, that comes out this October 3. You can pre-order it here on Amazon or here on B&N. And you can apply to be a part of the launch team by clicking here.

The launch team basically helps spread the word about the book on social media and in your neighborhood or church or beauty salon or local Anthropologie store or anywhere else where you might know people who might like it. As a launch team member, you’ll get an advance reader copy of the book, access to a private Facebook group and all kinds of email updates and exclusive content. The key is that you have to apply and spaces are limited, but I would be so honored to have you be a part of it even if you are so inclined.

Here’s a quote from the book that kind of sums up the message of Church of the Small Things:

“Maybe it’s the small moments in our lives that are even more holy than the big ones because they are the million little pieces of our lives that God uses to make a difference right where we are.”

And speaking of small moments in our lives, Gulley and I headed out on our annual road trip with the kids on Sunday afternoon. We have been very busy which explains why it is currently 12:55 a.m. as I type this post.

We loaded up the big blue Suburban on Sunday afternoon with enough pillows, snacks and luggage to keep us fed and clothed for at least six weeks because we are like the Boy Scouts and are ALWAYS PREPARED. And, yes, we packed plenty of HEB plastic grocery bags in case of a carsick incident even though Will announced before the trip that he believed his days of throwing up in the car were behind him. SPOILER ALERT: So far he appears to have been correct. And, for that, we are all eternally thankful.

Our first stop was the Lakeway Resort on Lake Travis just outside of Austin. We spent the afternoon by the pool enjoying the gorgeous view of the lake and, eventually, all watched the sunset.

Yes, the kids are gigantic. This is why we have designated the 17 year old Suburban as our official road trip car. It’s the only thing they can all fit in these days because their legs just keep getting longer. It also helps Gulley and I cut down on the amount of wine we need to drink at the end of a travel day.

After the sun set, we went back to our respective rooms and the kids decided to go lift weights in the hotel workout room. Gulley and I thought this was a great idea and we put on our pajamas and drank wine as we bid them adieu. They eventually came back after their workouts and we all sat and talked until way too late. Jackson just got home from Young Life camp and he was filling us in on the whole experience and it basically confirmed that our master plan to get the kids to tell us about their lives by taking them on a road trip is totally working even as they are right in the middle of their teenage years.

We slept in the next morning and then checked out of the Lakeway Resort. The kids all requested Barton Springs Pool as our next stop so we went to eat at Hula Hut on the lake and then made our way to Barton springs. (Gulley and I agreed that we are either getting old and picky or Hula Hut isn’t as good as it used to be. We regretted our decision to eat there but we were trying to maximize the lake experience.)

The kids all immediately jumped into the water at Barton Springs but Gulley and I decided to just sit on the edge with our feet in the water. Barton Springs is 68-70 degree water all year round and I really try to avoid frostbite. But the kids didn’t seem to mind even when their lips were all blue and their teeth were chattering. They swam around and tried to catch fish with their hands and jumped off the diving board while Gulley and I people-watched and caught up on important things like our thoughts on Southern Charm.

Just FYI, if you find yourself in Austin during the summer, Barton Springs is really a must-do activity. It’s so beautiful and kind of feels like a throwback to a simpler time.

After we left Barton Springs, we offered the kids the chance to go rent kayaks at Zilker Park but I think they were exhausted from trying to stay warm and were ready for our next stop. Jackson had mentioned early on in our road trip discussions that he would like to go to Lockhart, the barbecue capital of Texas, and do a food crawl. This is really the kind of moment that the road trip was meant for and so, OF COURSE, we made our way to Lockhart and used this article as our guide.

Our first stop was Kreuk Market.

(The kids were super excited that I insisted on taking their picture everywhere we went and by super excited I mean they all rolled their eyes at me and even swam away while we were at Barton Springs. Whatever. Someday they will be so thankful I documented these precious moments.)

At Kreuz Market we shared brisket, sausage, shoulder clod (I know. That sounds terrible but it’s like lean brisket. But clod? Seriously?), and we got a pint of mac and cheese to share. They don’t serve their barbecue with sauce or a fork because they claim you don’t need either. I beg to differ. I am not a caveman, nor do I want to imitate one.

Verdict? The brisket and shoulder clod were both very good although I liked the lean shoulder much better. The sausage was greasy and not a favorite. However, Will is a connoisseur of mac and cheese. It’s his favorite dish and he has ordered it everywhere from New York to Colorado. And he declared the mac and cheese to be a 10. He loved it so much that he asked Gulley to order another pint of it to go and gave the lady at the counter a high five for her delicious mac and cheese. That’s high praise.

It’s very similar to the mac and cheese at Luby’s Cafeteria in case that helps you.

Our next stop was Smitty’s Market.

Verdict?

It was okay. They do have sauce but no forks. They were also out of mac and cheese so we couldn’t compare although I did get their potato salad and thought it was pretty good. We thought their sausage was better than Kreuz Market, but the brisket and shoulder were both a little dry.

The last stop was Black’s Barbecue. It holds the distinction of being the oldest barbecue restaurant in Texas owned by the same family.

Verdict?

We all enjoyed the cafeteria-style serving line in terms of efficiency, but I was disconcerted by the creamed corn and mac and cheese being in such close proximity to the banana pudding and peach cobbler. I like to have a little more time and distance between all the courses of a meal, plus a buffet kind of grosses me out in general if I think about it for too long. Not to mention that Gulley and I were too full to really try more than a bite of anything and I basically decided by this point that I might become a vegetarian and never eat again. In fact, I began craving salad and I never crave salad. But Jackson loaded up his plate for the third time because he is a 6’2″ fifteen-year-old boy which means there is really no such thing as too much food. The kids all liked the brisket but we realized no one had ended up with sausage so we couldn’t make a comparison. Will got the mac and cheese and said it was good but not as good as Kreuz’s.

Jackson continued to eat long after the rest of us had given up the ghost, but we finally heard him breathe a deep sigh and realized he’d even taken off his baseball cap as he tried to power through his third helping of brisket.

I told him about Joey Tribbiani and the meat sweats, but he looked right at me and declared, “No meat left behind”. You have to admire his perseverance.

Then we all rolled ourselves back to the blue Suburban and piled in to make the trip to Honey and Big’s house where we have another couple of days of adventures planned. Although I think it’s safe to say that none of them from here on out will involve eating barbecue.

I also have to say that after sampling more barbecue than I really care to eat ever again, I didn’t think any of them were as good as The Barbecue Station in San Antonio, which I guess proves that the old saying is correct and “There’s no barbecue like home barbecue”. Or maybe I just made that saying up. Whatever. It’s totally true.

Last night, Caroline, P and I went to go see Guardians of the Galaxy 2 at the Alamo Drafthouse. I can’t believe we haven’t been there before but I also can’t remember the last time the three of us went to see a movie. It’s so rare that something is out that we all want to see and I guess when we have a free night we opt for something other than going to the movies. And now I’ve over-explained it and none of this is even the point.

Anyway, we loved the movie. I actually thought the sequel was better than the original and we loved Alamo Drafthouse because we were able to eat dinner, have a glass of wine and watch the movie all at the same time. I realize many of you have been doing this for years but I am behind the times. We also ordered milkshakes that – I’m not even kidding – were life-changing. The only problem was the theater was FREEZING and so I’m going to bring a blanket next time I go. I’m sure that’ll ensure my family wants to be seen with me because nothing says,”I’m a cool mom” like carrying around your own afghan.

As we drove home we talked about the movie and laughed again at our favorite parts. I started making a Guardians of the Galaxy playlist in my head and announced that Chris Pratt is my favorite male actor right now. I like him because he looks like a manly man. He is inherently attractive, yet isn’t pretty. I feel like he would never wear a man bun.

It also helps that he played Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation who is one of my favorite T.V. characters of all time.

So apparently my type is funny and masculine.

Which brings me to the new Ken dolls that were released this week.

Nope and nope.

I spy two man buns, a pair of tie-dyed leggings and multiple pairs of jorts. Hey, you in the pink and yellow tank top? NO SIR.

I showed the Ken dolls to P who, by the way, is both masculine and funny, and he reminded me about this old Nissan commercial that was one of our favorites.

Something tells me that Ken’s new makeover isn’t going to help him win Barbie back from GI Joe.