Author: Big Mama

Caroline get your gun

I’m so appreciative of all the opinions on the black boots versus brown boots dilemma. They served as confirmation for what I already knew in my heart which is I need to go with brown boots. Sadly, I went to several stores yesterday and discovered they were all sorely lacking in their boot inventory. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s still 100 degrees outside or if this is just another ramification of the harsh economic climate.

All I know is I’m glad I was able to use the phrase “ramification of the harsh economic climate”.

Anyway, earlier in the week I mentioned that P and Caroline went to the ranch on Sunday so she could shoot her new pink gun and I thought y’all might want to see her in action.

The Shooter from Big Mama on Vimeo.

Something tells me the pigs and turtles don’t stand a chance.
Some stuff and also some things

Since school has started and I’m back to cooking frozen waffles and making ham sandwiches at an hour that I believe to be decent only for those who grow crops and work the land for a living, it’s become more and more apparent to me that my ideal schedule would be one that allows me to stay up until around 2 a.m. every night and sleep until about 11:00 a.m.

Okay, noon.

In other words, the same schedule I kept in college.

However, in college I didn’t have to worry about getting someone dressed and off to school except for myself and, let’s be honest, how often did that really happen? I always considered it an accomplishment if I made it on campus in time to meet some friends for chicken fingers at the MSC. And as it turns out, I don’t even regret skipping all those early morning Business Math classes because I don’t believe business and math should intermingle.

Unfortunately, by the time I’m back to a point in my life where I can keep my ideal schedule, I’ll be on the verge of becoming a senior citizen and will probably be ready to phone it in around 8:30 p.m. every night because 4:30 a.m. comes early.

So since I’m having a little trouble adapting to our new non-summer schedule, I’m going to just write a quick list of things so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour.

1. I was delighted at the number of you who weren’t sure if a flux capacitor is a real car part. It’s not. It’s just a general term I like to throw around when discussing auto mechanics because I was slightly obsessed with Michael J. Fox and his acid-washed denim jacket in Back to the Future.

2. The turtles didn’t necessarily need killing. We believe in equal rights for ducks and turtles. The only thing we’re opposed to are Grass Carp and P has been on a one man quest to rid the world of them, which really is a story in itself.

3. The duck is gone for good and Caroline is okay with it. As a matter of fact, she looked outside before dinner last night and told us she thought she saw some duck bones in the backyard. Thankfully, she was mistaken and it was just an old dog toy.

4. Just a reminder that if you wanted to join me in reading the Bible in a year, yesterday was the first day. If you forgot, all you’ve missed is Genesis 1-3, otherwise known as the beginning.

5. I desperately need some new boots for Fall because the ones I bought from Target two years ago need to be put out of their misery to put me out of my misery. They look great but could not be more uncomfortable if they were filled with nails and fire ants. I just can’t decide between black boots or brown boots because I only need to buy one pair. I’m leaning towards brown. Any thoughts on that?

6. Speaking of boots, I saw a picture of these on someone’s blog yesterday (I’m sorry I can’t remember where. I have a dreadful memory.) How cute are those?

I think I need something a little more simple, but if I had money to burn like the government, then I would buy those and a farm in Africa.

(I wouldn’t really buy a farm in Africa but for some reason those boots look like something Meryl Streep wore in Out of Africa and my mind just went there)

(I mean, I’m not opposed to a farm in Africa but it would take a long time to get there and I hear it can be hot, hence the phrase “It’s Africa hot”)

See? I need to start going to bed earlier because I’m not in college anymore and my mind doesn’t function well on just a few hours of sleep every night. There’s no way I’d ever maintain that straight C average these days.

Y’all have a lovely day.
A bunch of rambling that ends with a duck

Last Friday, Gulley and I took the kids to a local candy store for a treat to celebrate a successful first week of school. We were all so excited to be together because we hadn’t seen each other all week and had a lot to catch up on. Gulley decided last Spring to teach at a local preschool this year leaving her unavailable to meet me at Starbucks on Tuesday mornings and to answer the phone all fourteen times I call in an average day.

Truthfully, when I got my new iPhone and compiled my list of “Favorites” on my phone list, Gulley was first on my list. I realize it probably should be P, but he shows little to no enthusiasm when I call to let him know that I just found a sweater on sale at Banana Republic and it’s a must have. Instead, he just tells me I need to quit spending money which is really not the reaction I’m looking for.

But when I call Gulley to tell her about some boots I just discovered at DSW Shoes or my thoughts on last night’s episode of The Rachel Zoe Project, she is genuinely interested and contributes to the conversation. I have been known to call her to let her know HEB has pork tenderloin on sale and she has been known to call me so I can give her the ingredients to a recipe while she’s at the grocery store.

My point is WE TALK. A LOT.

By Thursday of last week I felt like I was about to explode with trivial information that I hadn’t been able to share. In fact, when my home phone rang early Thursday afternoon for the first time all week, I almost fell off the couch in fear because I’d grown so accustomed to the silence. What’s worse, I almost answered it even though it was a toll-free number calling. I finally decided whoever was on the other end was more interested in getting me to contribute to a fund to save the white-tailed salamander from extinction than they were about listening to who got voted off Top Chef last night and how I have a phobia of seeing scallops on a plate because they are unnaturally spongy and white, like little seafood-flavored marshmallows.

So the whole back to school thing has been a bit of an adjustment. I actually have plenty of productive things I can do during the day to fill my time, but I spent most of last week in a state of shock over all the time I had at my disposal and completely forgot the list of 8,987 things needing to be done that I compiled over the course of the summer. This week promises to be better, even though I spent most of yesterday lying on the couch and complaining about a horrible sinus headache. But in the words of Scarlett O’Hara, tomorrow is another day.

Anyway, Caroline and I spent most of our weekend over at Gulley’s house. Her husband was out of town and P was working at the ranch so we spent Friday and Saturday catching up on things like our thoughts on universal healthcare and the skinny jean with boots. Meanwhile, the kids played in her backyard for hours, only coming in to grab their sixth or tenth popsicle.

Around 5:00 p.m. on Saturday, P called on his way in from the ranch to inform me that the flux capacitor had gone out in his truck and he was stranded on the side of the road needing to be rescued. He gave me a list of things to go purchase from the Auto Parts store before heading his way. I used my handy “Where To” app on my iPhone to locate the auto parts store nearest Gulley’s house and, I’ll be honest, felt a little bit like I had a bat phone because I had instant access and directions to every auto parts store in a fifteen mile radius.

Unfortunately, some of the supercool Batman factor faded after I pretended I knew what I was doing when I walked in the auto parts store and ultimately had to make the walk of shame up to the counter to just hand the salesman the list of things P dictated to me because he needed a blah blah and another blah with an extra gallon of blah.

However, I did save the day by showing up with all the right stuff, not to be confused with All The Right Moves starring a young Tom Cruise.

On Sunday after church, (Wow. Is this the most boring recap of a weekend ever?) P and Caroline headed down to the ranch because she wanted to shoot her new pink gun and rumor had it there were some turtles that needed killing. They took my car, which is totally appropriate for the ranch roads except not at all. Not to mention that the floorboards were covered in South Texas dirt and crushed Cheeto Puffs upon its return.

They got back home late in the afternoon and, as they turned the corner by our house, saw a baby duck walking by itself across the street. On further inspection, it was determined that the duck was all alone and on a self-destructive path to becoming cat food. P and Caroline decided to rescue the duck from a certain grisly death.

This is the dog kennel where the duck resided for approximately twelve hours.

You will notice, thanks to my superb gift of photography, you can’t actually see the duck, but rather the bottom of an old Christmas tree stand that was used as a faux pond.

Yesterday morning, P went to Home Depot to get some chicken wire to secure the area on the side of our house for the duck until it could survive on its own. He worked on it for about an hour, even filling up a little black tub with water instead of a Christmas tree stand. Caroline was so excited to have her very own duck, even though we warned her it would just be for a few days until he could fly.

Long story short, the duck escaped around 3:00 p.m. yesterday. P feels that the hours he spent trying to save a duck are hours of his life he’ll never get back. Caroline was a little sad, but I assured her the duck probably just flew off to meet his family.

Or possibly his maker.

Either way he’s in a better place than swimming in a Christmas tree stand.
The painted lady

Caroline purchased that temporary tattoo with two quarters she begged off of me at a Dairy Queen in Schulenburg, Texas. We applied it to her arm the week before school started because I figured that would give it plenty of time to wear off.

It’s still there.

Last week I resorted to telling her that her skin was really dry and rubbed her upper arms with Vaseline in a sneaky attempt to get it to come off.

It’s still there.

It was there for Meet the Teacher. It was there for the first week of school.

At this point I think people either believe that I allowed my child to get a real tattoo or that I never bathe her.

Honestly, I’m not sure which is worse.
You may have already won

I’ve posted the winners of Selah’s You Deliver Me CD on my giveaway page. Click on over there to see who won.
Edition 63: Fashion Friday

A reader sent me an email earlier this week to let me know that Banana Republic is selling skinny jeans with zippers at the ankles and she wanted to break the news to me gently. Unfortunately, she was too late because earlier that morning I’d clicked over to Banana Republic to see if they had anything on sale and right there on the main page of their site, in front of God and everyone, was this photo.

You know why that model is lying down like that? Because that’s the only way those jeans actually look decent. Of course in all fairness they probably look pretty good on her because she just ate half a lettuce leaf for lunch followed by a wee slice of apple and, man, is she stuffed.

The sight of those zippered ankles made me reminisce about my favorite pair of jeans in 8th grade. They were Guess pinstriped (oh the horror) jeans with a zippered ankle. When I walked down the halls of Marshall Middle School wearing those jeans with my huaraches, it was best to just get out of my way because I worked that look with an attitude that only an awkward 13 year old could.

Anyway, I totally should have saved those jeans because they are back in style. Well, minus the pinstripes. But they were probably a size 24 waist since I had yet to hit puberty, so I guess the only purpose they’d serve would be to hang around in my closet and look chic (chick).

I have a theory that all these horrific fashion flashbacks to the 80’s are coming back around because today’s designers are mere babies who were born in a year I vividly remember. A year where I already had a drivers’ license and listened to Duran Duran while wondering how long it would be before Simon Le Bon would discover there was a teenage girl in Beaumont, Texas who wanted to marry him and move to the UK and host great karoke parties where all our friends would sit around and sing “Hungry Like the Wolf” or “Reflex” while we laughed at the irony.

My point is that most of today’s designers were wearing onesies the last time zippered leg jeans and large shoulder pads were in style and don’t understand that they went out of style for a reason. A very good reason.

Okay, now that I’ve sufficiently rambled, here are the remaining six trends for fall. If you miss the first four from last week, then click over to Edition 62 to catch up.

5. Boyfriend blazer

I cannot express how much I loved the boyfriend blazers back in the late 80’s/early 90’s. They completed me, especially the one I bought from The Limited with super cool gold buttons. In fact, the only time a blazer let me down was when I decided to wear a red one from the Gap with jeans and a denim shirt (bless my heart) to an A&M football game. We were playing SMU and in an unfortunate turn of events I was dressed just like the SMU band. It was years before I recovered from the horror.

There are several different kinds of boyfriend blazers to choose from. The important thing is to find one that’s flattering and doesn’t make you look frumpy.

Also, it’s important to remember that blazers can be taken in on the sides for a better fit and sleeves can be hemmed if they’re too long, but there’s nothing you can do to change where the shoulder of the blazer hits. Make sure you get a good fit through the shoulders and that it’s roomy enough for you to move around without looking like Mr. Roboto.

Domo Arigato.

6. The Sheath Dress

I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought a dress because I have a shockingly empty social calendar, which is fine with me because there’s a good show on Bravo every single night of the week and why would I want to go out when I can stay home in my pajamas and watch The Rachel Zoe Project or Top Chef?

But, truthfully, if I still worked for the evil pharmaceutical empire, I would be all over this trend. There is nothing easier than just throwing on a dress and calling it a miserable day of schlepping Starbucks to various doctors’ offices.

Here are some sheath dresses that are perfect for the office.

And here are a few that would be great for dressier occasions, like a regatta gala.

Bon appetit.

I don’t know why I just said that.

7. Long cardigans

Am I in some sort of tricked-out Delorean that’s taking me to a place where I revisit the fashions of my youth?

The cardigan is tricky because you don’t want to look like a librarian, unless of course you are a librarian. Proceed with caution and try on several styles.

You could totally go old school with something like this or this or this.

Just make sure it’s not too fitted around the bottom area because I could write an entire doctoral thesis on the wrongs of having a garment cling to your booty.

Personally, I prefer this version of the long cardigan look. I also really like this one and this one.

And be still my ever lovin’ heart at this one that I adore from Anthropologie even though they never write or call.

8. Chains

Accessories really are the best way to make an outfit look up to date without spending a lot of money. This fall is all about the chain necklace.

Here are a few different chains to choose from.

9. Boots

Boots are going to be a staple again this year and I couldn’t be more thrilled because I have always been a huge fan of the boot because I suffer from chronic cold feet syndrome (it’s a real sickness, people) and they allow me to wear my warmest, ugliest socks and no one knows the difference.

Depending on your needs, there are boot styles that fit every need and budget.

10. Country influences

I know you’re thinking what in the world does that even mean? Well, it means what it means and I saved it for last because it is one of my favorite looks. The other night on The Rachel Zoe Project, Rachel said she’d like to be buried in head to toe Chanel. Maybe it’s my Texas roots, but I’d like to be buried in jeans, a great pair of boots and some fab turquoise jewelry.

Of course depending on your style, country can either mean “I’m on my way to the ranch” or “I’m on my way to our country estate in England where we’ll spend the weekend playing polo and drinking tea”. I think we all know which option I lean towards.

To get the look, you’ll need a good pair of jeans, a few plaid shirts or a white ruffled shirt, some cozy sweaters for layering, a great belt, turquoise jewelry, and cowboy boots. Lucky for you, this is the year to find cowboy boots in every price range and style.

You may also want a tweed vest, a classic jacket or some tall boots to wear with skinny jeans or leggings if you want to lean more towards the English countryside look. It may also help to adopt a British accent.

The key is to mix and match these pieces with other things in your wardrobe. Wear a long plaid shirt with skinny jeans tucked into boots or wear a long sweater with a cute belt and boots. Just add a few key pieces to your wardrobe to give it a little bit of country flair.

Or if you’re like Donny Osmond, you can just be a little bit rock and roll.

Maybe you could even wear purple socks.

How obsessed was I with Donny Osmond that I still remember that?

Y’all have a great Friday.