Last Friday I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond with two goals in mind. One was to find some type of gold drapery cord that could be fashioned into a golden lasso of truth. The other was to buy a sound machine to take with me to the Dominican Republic.
It has been well-documented that I am a high-maintenance sleeper. I require all manner of pillows and blankets, in addition to some kind of white noise, to get my beauty rest. I have to go to the bathroom exactly three times before I can go to bed and once I’m finally in the bed I am very reminiscent of a dog circling three times before I lay down for the night.
Gulley called me while I was in Bed, Bath and Beyond looking for a sound machine and when I told her where I was and what I was doing, she said, “When did you become such a high-maintenance sleeper? When we were in college you’d just lay down and close your eyes like a normal person.”
And it’s true. I’ve become much more particular as I’ve gotten older. A fact, no doubt, that fills P with great joy as we anticipate growing old together.
Back in August when Sophie was in town for Living Proof Live, Gulley stayed in the hotel with us on Friday night. I made the huge error of forgetting to pack a sound machine and Sophie and I were overwrought at the idea of all the silence as we slept. Gulley said she’d never seen two people so worked up about not being able to sleep before we’d even tried to go to bed. Apparently there was much pacing and anxiety.
That sound you hear is Mary and Jennifer emailing Shaun Groves begging him not to put them in a room with me in the Dominican.
Anyway, the point is that the irony of buying a sound machine to take on a mission trip to a third world country is not lost on me. If anything I see it as a huge blinking neon sign that reads, “HELLO. YOU ARE ABOUT TO STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.”
And I am. I know I am.
I am comfortable. I like my nice little world and my nice little life. Granted, it’s not perfect but it’s what I know.
Over the last two years, God has increasingly called me to a place where I’m not so comfortable. I left a job that provided a lot of financial security, we faced medical issues and bills that were higher than we expected, I’ve sent my only child off to Kindergarten and felt a little lost in the process, and now we’re watching the economy take a nosedive while P owns a landscaping business and most people don’t see landscaping as a necessity. Honestly, it hasn’t been easy but at the same time I see the hand of God all over it.
He has called me to total dependence on Him. I spent so much time believing I was self-sufficient and He loved me too much to let me go on that way. He wants me to see Him, to really see Him. As my provider, my shelter, my strong tower, my rock, and my hiding place.
Yet I still fight it sometimes. I run back to where I feel comfortable, back to a place where I think I’m in charge of everything and can find solutions.
On Sunday morning at 9:30 a.m. I will leave for the Dominican Republic. To be totally honest, I go back and forth between being excited about the opportunity and being scared of what’s ahead. How do I prepare myself for what I’m going to see? How do you prepare yourself for a trip that you know is going to break your heart?
I am well aware of my weaknesses. I don’t do well with bad smells. The sushi counter at HEB can set me off, so how am I going to handle a city dump in a third world country? I don’t like feeling dirty. I don’t like being hot. I don’t like being away from my husband and my daughter. I’m not crazy about air travel, especially multiple flights. I need a sound machine to sleep at night.
I am a poor candidate for a mission trip.
But if I’ve learned nothing else over the last two years of my life, it’s that He is strong in my weakness. He has been the gentle hand that has kept me from curling up in the fetal position and calling it a day.
It is His hand that has led me to this trip. The last two years have taught me to surrender to the season of life that I’m in, rather than fighting it with everything I have, wondering how long it’s going to last. It’s taught me that He has a plan that is better than my plan.
Honestly, my plan was kind of boring. It involved selling pharmaceutical products with no passion, but with the security of a nice paycheck and a company car. Safe, but boring.
His plan apparently involves some risk, some passion and taking a trip to a third world country that may not smell very good. It often makes me feel like I’m teetering out on a ledge, hoping that there’s a safety net waiting for me.
And there is.
He is.
Waiting to catch me.
Waiting to catch you.
“We are His creation-created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared ahead of time so that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
