Author: Big Mama

When it rains, it pours

It has been a rough two days here at the house. The wardrobe wars have escalated to epic proportions.

I think this picture will illustrate the problem.

I really try to let her express herself, but there comes a time that I have to draw the line.

I think that line is rainboots and tights with a kicky hat.

And no pants.

She looks a little like the Morton Salt Girl gone wrong.

***Edited to add that, thankfully, that’s a bear on her bottom. Baby Gap tights usually have a bear on them.
The circus, leprosy, and blinking clown noses

At some point during the holiday weekend, I decided it would be fun to take Caroline to the circus.

I had really good reasons at the time, but I have long since forgotten what they were.

On Sunday afternoon, we headed down to the Alamodome to see the circus. I didn’t buy tickets in advance because, like I said, it was a spur of the moment decision.

One that I immediately began to regret as we stood broiling in the heat while waiting in line to buy tickets.

I actually held my purse over Caroline’s head to try and protect her from the sun. She was especially hot because she had decided to wear her jeans and cowboy boots, even though I had warned her that it is July. In Texas. Not necessarily cowboy boot weather.

But what do I know? I’ve only lived in Texas 32 years longer than she has.

We finally got our tickets and went inside where we were immediately inundated with a vast array of circus paraphernalia. Oh, P.T. Barnum was so right when he said there’s a sucker born every minute.

That’s the only explanation for cotton candy that costs $8.00.

Caroline seemed to enjoy the show even though she spent the first half like this because it was loud.

And the second half like this.

She couldn’t bear to watch Bello the clown climb the 30 foot pole.

The highlight for me was this moment.

When P and I got engaged eleven years ago, he wouldn’t smile for our engagement pictures with his teeth showing because he thought it looked stupid.

How far we have come.

After the circus was over, we filed out of the arena with 15,000 other circus afficionados. It was a cultured crowd.

There were all manner of blinking clown noses, light up swords, and flashing elephant cups.

Caroline wanted a blinking clown nose. A blinking clown nose that cost $10.00. We said no.

She pouted.

I explained that we’d had a nice time, but we’d bought cotton candy, popcorn and lemonade for a grand total that was somewhere in the range of our monthly mortgage payment. As a matter of principle I couldn’t bring myself to pay $10.00 for a blinking nose that would get buried among all the other junk in the playroom.

Oh P.T. Barnum, I am wise to you.

After a marathon walk in the heat to our car, a walk, by the way, where I carried Caroline a large part of the distance because her cowboy boots weren’t comfortable (SHOCKING!), we got in a long line of traffic to get out of the parking lot.

I asked Caroline if she had fun at the circus.

She replied, “Not really. I wanted a clown nose.”

Which was precisely the moment that my head shot out of the passenger window and burst into a million pieces.

I silently searched for the right words to say, while wanting to cry because I am clearly failing at the whole parenthood thing.

So I reminded her about the story of the ten lepers in the Bible. Jesus healed them all, but only one of them came back to say thank you. I told her how important it is to have a grateful heart and appreciate the things that you have been given.

I don’t know if any of it sunk in, but I feel certain that someday Caroline will know she should always act appreciative and grateful because, otherwise, Mama is going to start talking about the lepers.

When did I become this person?
America, where even a bad robot movie can grow up to be box office gold

We weren’t sure what we were going to do for the 4th of July, but considering that last year we spent the holiday looking for buckets to hold the water leaking from our roof, we figured any activity at all could only be an improvement.

Caroline spent Thursday night with Mimi and Bops, which meant that P and I had a night to ourselves. We went to eat Mexican food and then stopped at Hollywood Video to see if we could find a movie to rent.

Of course we discussed actually going to the theater to see a movie, but the only movies we agree on are the Jason Bourne movies and since the “Bourne Penultimatum” isn’t an actual movie, that ruled out a theater movie. And really that was fine with me because I had just gone to the cinema a few days earlier. (Am I British all of a sudden? The cinema?)

Gulley and I took the kids to see “Wall-E” on Tuesday of last week. I don’t want to ruin it if you haven’t seen it, but here’s what I got out of it.

Someday the Earth will be completely covered in trash and the only thing that will survive is a semi-cute trash compactor and his pet roach. All the remaining humans will live on some sort of spaceship and have practically no skeletal tissue left. They will just be big blobs of fat floating around on some sort of chairs drinking all their meals out of a big Sonic Route 44 cup.

IT’S THE FEEL GOOD MOVIE OF THE YEAR!

In all fairness, with the exception of E.T., I have never been a fan of any sort of Sci-Fi. I just don’t get the point. Darth Vader? FAKE. Frodo Baggins? FAKE. Captain Kirk? Possibly real, but most likely FAKE.

Oh wait. I just remembered that I was a big fan of “Land of the Lost” when I was little. But who wouldn’t like a show that involved Sleestaks and incredibly unrealistic dinosaurs?

Anyway, P and I left Hollywood Video with two movies. He picked “Rambo XII: When Stallone Needs More Money”, which is sure to be a future Academy Award Winner, and I picked “27 Dresses” because I like Katherine Heigl and I’m always interested in seeing how she wears her hair. If the movie turns out to be good, then that’s even better.

Friday morning I slept until 9:00 a.m.

Let freedom ring.

I finally stumbled out of bed and headed to the couch, where I remained for the next three hours. I felt like I was a young girl of twenty-six again. A couch, a television, Cheez-It’s for breakfast, and no one requesting multiple viewings of “The Jungle Book II”.

Leisurely, I flipped through the channels in the hopes that there might be some good holiday movie viewing. Not that I really know a lot of classic 4th of July movies but, you know, something upbeat and summery…like Jaws.

And, sure enough, AMC was running an all-day Jaws marathon. Too bad we weren’t at the beach.

I changed the channel to Lifetime because I do adore a good Lifetime movie every now and then, particularly when they are BASED ON A TRUE STORY, but Lifetime let me down because apparently they wanted to celebrate our nation’s independence with “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?” and “My Daughter’s Secret Life”.

First of all, I’ve already seen both of those movies several times.

Secondly, they are so depressing that I might as well go back to the theater for a repeat viewing of “Wall-E”.

Oh, but then my luck changed. I happened upon a Food Network marathon of “The Next Food Network Star”.

God bless America. It is my new favorite show! Well, at least until next week when an all-new season of “Project Runway” starts and then fashion will have to take precedence just as God intended.

After I got all caught up on back episodes of my new favorite show, I went to pick up Caroline. I called my dad earlier in the day and asked, “Is she ready to come home?” He said, “I seriously doubt it.” I mean, why would she?

But since we had plans to meet friends at the pool, I went and retrieved my child from her miniature version of Disneyworld.

And then the rain started.

Our friends called and we decided our back up plan would be to open up their basement, order some Chinese take out (what else would be open?), and let the kids run wild for a few hours. Fortunately, the rain stopped and we all met at the pool as planned.

We were the only ones there. Three families. Six kids. An entire pool to ourselves.

Part of the originally scheduled 4th of July pool festivities involved a 7:00 p.m. beer scramble, at which time the pool staff was going to throw a bunch of beer into the pool and let the adults dive for it.

If that scenario doesn’t scream potential trip to the E.R., I don’t know what does.

However, the beer scramble was cancelled because there’s not much entertainment value in three wives watching their husbands dive for beer.

If possible, it might be more boring than a Sci-Fi movie.

We came home, watched some fireworks through the marvel of television, and went to bed.

It was seriously one of my favorite 4th of July’s ever.

Clearly, I am easy to please.
The letter S

We were driving home from church this morning and, as usual, Caroline was talking without bothering to even take a breath.

Somehow we started playing “I SPY wif my wittle eye”, and by somehow, I mean that we started playing it because she wants to play it ALL THE TIME.

ALL THE TIME.

I have never done so much spying in my life.

It’s particularly challenging when your idea of a color is different than your child’s idea of a color.

At some point we transitioned from I SPY to naming a letter and then guessing what words start with that letter. We began with G.

“Girls! Guns! Gold!”

That totally sounds like the name of some bad hunting magazine, by the way.

“Good job, Sweetie!”

“Now do the letter S, Mama! Let’s do the letter S! Make the S sound!”

“Sssssss….”

“SNAKES! SNAILS!”

She pauses for a moment, her mental supply of S words temporarily taking leave. Then, in a moment of inspiration, she yells out:

“SUCKER PUNCH!”

Oh, she is a dainty one.
Born on the 4th of July

I wrote this about my Nanny almost two years ago but, since today is her 90th birthday, I thought I’d post it again.

She is the original firecracker.

My Nanny is 88 years old, but you would never know it. She has more energy and enthusiasm than people half her age. All of her friends are at least 15-20 years younger than she is because as she will tell you “I don’t like to spend time with old people”. In fact, the week before we arrived she had hosted a Bunco party at her house, you know for all her young friends in their 70’s.

She has always known how to stay young. I remember being in high school and walking down the street to borrow her clothes and her jewelry. I’m betting that not too many grandmothers have a wardrobe that their granddaughters would like to wear. You don’t see too many 15 year olds wearing SAS shoes with a nice paisley polyester blouse. But Nanny has always had style.

She was the first person I knew that owned a video camera, a VCR and an answering machine. In fact, my mama said that Nanny called her just the other day and asked “What is an iPod and do I need to get one?” I am sorry, but that is current.

When we walked through the door, it was all so warm and familiar. I can’t identify what her house smells like, but it’s a part of my life. Even when we got home on Sunday, I could smell it on my clothes and in my hair. It’s just the smell of home and comfort, a combination of Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco, fresh cinnamon cake out of the oven and perfume. If I could buy it in a bottle, I would.

Caroline was in complete awe of Nanny’s house. There are more things to look at than you could possibly see in just one visit. She still has our old toy closet filled with toys from our childhood and books that bring back so many memories. Caroline walked into that closet, found a huge box full of more jewelry than you can imagine and said “Oh Mama, this is interesting”. It’s like a little piece of heaven on earth for a little girl, and I know because it’s where I spent so much of my childhood.

At one point, I was on the other side of the house and I heard a familiar noise that made me laugh out loud. It was the sound of Samba music coming from the electric organ that Nanny has in her sitting room. I knew that it was only a matter of time before Caroline discovered it and once she did, she was hooked. I spent a lot of hours playing that same organ with my sister making up variety shows and musicals that would rival the Sweeney Sisters. We’d put Nanny’s nightgowns on our head for our hair and drape ourselves in anything we could find in her jewelry box.

If you don’t want a honest answer, then you better not ask her a question. Sometimes she’ll even give her opinion before you’ve asked. When she came out of surgery last year, my mama was waiting for her and sat holding her hand. Nanny looked at her and said “I really wish you’d do something with your hair. It just looks terrible”. I have always thought she’s kind of like a mama cat, she likes to take all her babies and get them cleaned up just right.

I remember one Thanksgiving when P and I drove 7 hours to get to the lakehouse and when I walked in the door she said “Oh it makes me so sad that you don’t wear makeup anymore”. She feels strongly about looking your best (even on 7 hour car rides), in fact I don’t have a picture of her from this weekend because she didn’t have her “face on”.

The biggest thing (literally) that she worries about is all of her girls’ weight. Gulley said that she knew she was officially part of the family when Nanny told her she’d put on a few pounds. But here’s the kicker, anytime you visit she will always have your favorite dessert fresh out of the oven. It’s like she wants you to look good, but she also wants to indulge you in your favorite food. In fact, one of the first things she said after I walked in the door was that she had made my favorite banana pudding. It was so good I could’ve eaten the whole bowl. And oh my goodness, her sweet tea is like no other you’ll will ever taste. I’d be willing to bet that the sugar to tea ratio errs high on the side of sugar. It’s like heaven in a glass.

After Caroline finally passed out from the sheer exhaustion of looking through all that jewelry, Nanny and I stayed up talking. This has always been one of my favorite things about Nanny, she’s a night owl like me (or at least like me before I had a 3 year old that likes to wake up when it’s still “darken” outside). When I was little she always let me stay up late with her to watch The Tonight Show, in fact the night that Johnny Carson did his last show I was off at college, but I had to call Nanny on the phone because the sound of Johnny’s voice will always remind me of those renegade nights at her house where I was allowed to stay up until 11:30.

When we got up to leave the next morning, Caroline wasn’t ready to leave and neither was I. That’s the thing about Nanny, she knows how to make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world when you’re with her. She listens to everything you say and even when I was little, never made me feel like my thoughts didn’t matter. I think Caroline summed it up best as we were leaving, she said “Oh Mama, I want to take one of these road trips again sometime.”

Mama does too.

Happy Birthday, Nanny. Love you.
The little joker

Caroline telling me a joke yesterday.

“Why did the potato go to the doctor?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Because he couldn’t see.”

I think she left out some reference to the fact that potatoes have eyes.

But honestly I’m just glad she’s finally telling jokes where the punchline doesn’t always include the word “poop”.