Author: Big Mama

I should know better than to bring up an extremely controversial topic right in the middle of the holidays. After all, the Christmas season has enough landmines already, what with all the relatives coming to visit and ongoing debates over who has custody of crazy Aunt Gertie and her six cats for the holidays.

But, I’m not going to let that deter me. I’m going to open up this can of worms and let it fly. And is there really anything more disgusting than flying worms and a sentence with too many cliches?

Let’s discuss the holiday sweater.

Personally, I am not a fan. People know it’s Christmas and they don’t need to see a reindeer flying across my chest to remind them that there are only four shopping days left. That being said, there was an unfortunate period in the late 80’s where I owned and WORE a sweater that looked very much like this.

Tragic.

I’m sure there were caribou all over the world weeping at being depicted in this knitwear tribute to bad taste.

Now before I get a lot of comments and emails, let me say that I know that some of y’all are probably fans of the holiday sweater and that is great. Good for you and your devotion to festivity. My very dear friend’s mama wears blinking Christmas light earrings and elf shoes throughout the month of December and it works for her. It’s part of her charm.

And I know there are some lovely holiday sweaters out there that have festive snowmen and sequined nutcrackers and jeweled snowflakes. You just won’t see me wearing them. It’s my personal preference to not dress with a theme.

Although there was an unfortunate incident in 1993 where I wore a cheetah-print shirt to the Omaha Zoo. But the Lord has been faithful to bring healing and restoration.

All that being said, I think we can all agree that the following photos of holiday sweaters should serve as a cautionary tale. There isn’t enough spiked eggnog in the world to make these better.

Bows. Teddy Bears. Wreaths. Oh my.

Nothing says bad taste like the Christmas cat.

Surrounded by snowflakes.

Well, except for the Christmas turtle.

Surrounded by snowflakes.

There is nothing that will make you look bigger than life than having a brick wall around your midsection.

I have issues with anything that could cause my front side to look like there is a skier zooming down mountains. Or even small hills.

And last, but certainly not least, the sweater vest. I can’t look at these without remembering the year I attended a Christmas formal with a boy that wore a Christmas-themed sweater vest.

Sometimes I still wake up crying.

What is it about Christmas that makes folks want to break out the teddy bears? What have the teddy bears ever done to us?

This appears to be angels being struck by lightning. I’m not sure what that has to do with Christmas.

Here’s something for you to think about. Why are there no bad Hannukah sweaters? Or Chanukah, depending on your preference. Where are the atrocious Kwanzaa sweaters? I think I smell a holiday conspiracy.

The Christmas sweater has taken on a life of its own. In fact, while I was doing EXTENSIVE research for this post I discovered that fraternities all over America are having themed Ugly Christmas Sweater keg parties.

And I think that’s what makes me the saddest. When I was in college, back in the early 90’s, the irony of the Christmas sweater would have been completely lost on us because many of us were actually wearing the reindeer sweater. Don’t think because the tag said “Ralph Lauren” that makes it any better. You are fooling yourself.

Also, how can I get myself invited to one of these parties? I may have a few sweaters in storage that would be perfect.