Author: Big Mama

  • Thank you, Captain Obvious

    Note to the Express News: Thank you for stating the obvious since 1861.

    Note to the rain: Go Away.

    Note to the neighborhood swimming pool: It is my sincerest wish that one day I will find myself reunited with you, your energy burning powers, and your lovely snack bar with the cookies-n-cream ice cream sandwiches.

  • Our house was a very, very, very fine house


    When I was 5, my family moved to the suburbs. It was the mid-70’s and it was the thing to do. We lived in Houston and moved to a fairly new subdivision off of FM 1960. I remember my mama telling me that FM stood for farm to market road and it meant that this paved four lane road used to be nothing but a dirt path that farmers used to carry their produce to the local markets. It fascinated me to no end to think that, in my mind at least, just mere months before we moved there, the road was covered with old men in overalls pushing wheelbarrows full of produce.

    We moved in to our new two-story colonial-style home in April of 1976. I remember the month because I was enrolled in a new Kindergarten class just in time to participate in their theatrical performance of The Tortoise and the Hare. Since I was a latecomer, I was given the role of stand-by rabbit #4 and my costume consisted of a pink leotard and tights with a bonnet like thing with white bunny ears. It wasn’t nearly as splashy as the costume a girl named Amy got to wear, which was a full-hot pink bunny costume complete with a yellow fur tummy. Oh, I was envious and, in fact, months later when Amy and I became friends and I spent the night at her house, I saw the bunny costume hanging in her closet and suggested that I try it on. It was rabbit perfection, just as I had imagined.

    Anyway, I vaguely remember the day we moved into our new house on Misty Lea Lane. A few things stood out to me immediately. The first was that we had a fire hydrant in our front yard. I thought that was about the greatest thing ever and if, at the age of 5, I had been allowed to write the MLS listing of our new home it would have read like this: 4 BR, 2 1/2 BA, NEW CARPET AND FIRE HYDRANT IN FRONT YARD. The other feature that took my breath away was the fact that it was two stories. The stairs offered an endless amount of possibilities for entertainment. And lastly, the wallpaper in the entryway was a flocked, velvet texture in a lovely shade of avocado green. I remember feeling that wallpaper with my fingertips and thinking, “Lawsy, we sho’ is rich now Miz Scarlett.”

    One of the best features of the house was that the downstairs portion made a complete circle. If my friends and I wanted to play hide and seek, we could start in the formal living room, which led to the family room, which led to the breakfast area and kitchen, then the dining room and back to the living room. It allowed for endless games of chase. And there was a closet in the den, right next to the wet bar (love the 70’s and the requisite wet bar), that was tucked under the stairs so that the ceiling of it was slanted. It fascinated me to no end.

    All the bedrooms were upstairs with my parents’ bedroom on one side of the staircase and the other 3 bedrooms on the other side. I remember lying in bed at night, trying to gather up my courage to walk to their room, knowing I would have to walk past the stairs and heaven only knows what could have been lurking at the bottom of those stairs just waiting for a 6 year old in a Holly Hobby nightgown to walk by.

    I had my own room with a brass bed with an old-fashioned bedspread with yellow flowers on it but, in reality, my sister and I shared her bedroom. She had two twin beds with pink headboards, and I slept in the room with her every night because I gave new meaning to the word scaredy-cat. I’m not sure what kind of defense I thought a 3 year old in Winnie the Pooh pajamas would offer me from the boogeyman, but I felt better knowing she was there. Plus, when insomnia hit us, we had a playmate right in the next bed. And my sister always kept a stash of Sunmaid raisins in her nightstand drawer which, looking back, was sheer brilliance on her part.

    The remaining bedroom was a guest bedroom/playroom. It was filled with our Barbies and their townhome, complete with elevator, various baby dolls and doll beds, and a record player so that we could listen to The Bee-Gees or Olivia Newton-John. We spent hours playing in that room and Barbie put on many the concert with her Olivia Newton-John lipsynching skills.

    One of the best things that ever happened to that house was when my parents got it professionally landscaped. The landscapers filled the yard with flower beds covered in dark, pine mulch and each flower bed had a little ditch feature around it to keep the grass from encroaching on the bed. My friends and I would fill up those little moats with water, drag Barbie out there in her Winnebago and have a good, old fashioned Barbie campout complete with a river. It was treacherous terrain for Barbie and Ken, roughing it out there amongst the azaleas.

    We had a metal swing set with pastel-colored stripes winding around the legs. Whatever happened to the good old metal swingsets? They’ve been killed off by the wooden playscape, probably because all of the tetanus shots kids of the 70’s had to have after being cut by a sharp piece of metal sticking out of a see-saw.

    We would spend hours swinging and jumping out of our swings. Twisting them around and around until the chains creaked and couldn’t go any tighter, and then spinning wildly out of control, stumbling off the swing and falling facedown in the St. Augustine grass.

    The backyard also had a cement patio and it was the scene of much of my early rollerskating choreography. I would put on my new white rollerskates with lime green wheels and stoppers, and come up with routines that would make Olivia Newton-John and the entire cast of Xanadu weep with envy. It was just a matter of time before a talent scout discovered me on the back patio and begged me to come to Hollywood, or maybe just The Magic Skate.

    Our house was on a street with a cul-de-sac and there was never a shortage of kids to play with, night or day. This was back in the days when parents didn’t live in as much fear as we do now, and we were allowed to freely roam the streets of the neighborhood in pre-adolescent gangs, searching for the next game of kickball, freeze tag, or hide and seek. And finally, dusk would fall and you’d hear mamas all up and down the street calling for their kids to come inside and eat supper. My best friend, Caroline Fletcher, lived two houses down and we probably killed the neighbors’ lawns in between our houses with all the running back and forth we did all day long.

    I’m the one on the end with the goofy look on my face. Obviously, I have always been shy and reserved.

    We lived in the house until the summer before I started 7th grade. By then, Caroline Fletcher and her family had moved away and so had several other families. I guess on to bigger and better parts of suburbia. My parents had gotten divorced, so my mama moved us to Beaumont to live down the street from her mama and daddy. We moved into a smaller house in Beaumont, one that holds just as many memories, but memories of teen years and bedroom walls filled with Homecoming mums and cheerleader pom-poms.

    When I think of my childhood home, I always think of the yellow two-story house on Misty Lea Lane with the white shutters and a mailbox out front that my Big Bob built that was a perfect replica of the big house. It was the place where I built my memories of childhood; long summer nights filled with fireflies and kick the can, 4th of July block parties in the cul-de-sac, walking home from the bus stop after a long day of school, and riding my blue bike with the flowered banana seat up and down the block while Caroline Fletcher rode her Green Machine right next to me. Memories I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world, memories that surprise me even now as I sit here with tears in my eyes, filled with more nostalgia than should be allowed.

    If you want to share memories of your childhood home, head on over to Mary at Owlhaven’s for more information. Or if you just want to read some other memories, then go check out all the links.

    Meanwhile, I’m off to help Caroline create some childhood memories of her own.

  • Preschool’s next top model

    Rain. I don’t even know what to say about the rain. If y’all visit one day and I’m no longer here, just know that the rain has driven me insane and I’m curled in a fetal position somewhere mumbling, “Just make it stop. Please make it stop.” A few rainy days are nice. No pressure to get out of the house or do anything.

    “Hey! Let’s put up the ladybug tent, get some blankets and watch some movies! It will be fun! FUN!”

    But we’ve turned a corner. The ladybug tent mocks me from the playroom and if I have to watch Cinderella try on that slipper one more time, I may seriously lose my mind. I even broke down and rented “Barbie and the 12 Annoying Princesses”. It’s not pretty.

    Caroline’s new favorite rainy day activity is to change her clothes as many times as possible in a 24 hour time period. She starts in at 6:30 a.m. with “What are we doing today, Mama? I’m going to get dressed!” And off she goes to put on outfit #1.

    After a breakfast of waffles and a little “Go Diego Go”, it’s time for outfit #2.

    When I announce we’re going to brave the rain and go to the grocery store because I am desperate to get out of the house, it’s time for outfit #3.

    I tried to fight it for awhile, but the endless rain has sapped my resolve. The inmate is running the wardrobe asylum.

    Here she is in the queen dress from her Halloween costume two years ago.

    This was wardrobe option #4 today and lasted long enough for her to demand that I take a few pictures. So, not only is she wearing multiple outfits a day, she is also barking orders about photo shoots, proper lighting, and making sure I get her best side. It’s like living with a miniature Naomi Campbell.

    We did have a moment today, in between outfits 5 & 6, where I saw a glimpse of myself in this OCD wardrobe behavior. She was stripping down, running towards her room and yelled, “Mama! I’m going to look in my closet for something else to wear! WISH ME LUCK!”

    Godspeed, little fashionista. Your mama has often uttered those same words.

  • The problem is everything tastes better deep fried and covered in ranch dressing

    After we got home from the coast last week, I started digging through old pictures trying desperately to find a picture of myself in the orange cover up. My efforts were in vain. Apparently, no such picture exists, which saddens me to no end seeing as how it transformed me into the most beautiful girl a few 12 year olds had ever seen.

    In the midst of my search, I found pictures that we took on our honeymoon. There was one in particular that I vividly remember taking because I thought we might use it for our Christmas card picture that year, but when I got it back from the film developer (because we have been married since before the dawn of digital cameras and we didn’t even own a computer until after we got married, and then it was only to check the email, because the internet was just a passing trend, like the automobile and sliced bread) I decided I didn’t want to send out a picture that featured me in a swimsuit, even though I was wearing a sarong with it. And as I looked at that picture, I realized, in retrospect, I was a 26-year-old idiot. I should have blown that picture up to 16 x 20 and sent it to everyone we knew. It would have been worth the extra postage.

    Ahhh youth and flat abs. Wasted on the young.

    P and I got married in August of 1997. In December of that year, he got a really bad sinus infection and had to go to the doctor. When the nurse weighed him, she announced that he weighed 185 pounds. He told her the scale must be broken because he had weighed 155 pounds since high school.

    Her scale was working just fine.

    He had put on 30 pounds in 3 months, granted he’s 6 feet tall, the extra weight looked good on him and I was relieved that he was safely at a weight that would ensure I couldn’t fit in his jeans. I’d like to attribute the weight gain to all my homecooking but, truth be told, it was a combination of homecooked meals and a lifestyle that no longer included pickup football games at every given opportunity.

    Anyway, this weekend I announced I was going to start cooking healthier foods, and asked P if he would be on board while I try new, healthy recipes. It’s not so much that we really need to lose weight as it is that we’re heading to the far side of our 30’s and probably need to think about things like cholesterol, heart disease, AARP membership, and Metamucil. And as I write that last sentence, I must confess it doesn’t really convey my true motives. I’d take a cholesterol of 350 if it means I can look good in my jeans.

    Because I’m sure any leading cardiologist will tell you that cholesterol and blood pressure are a moot point and what’s more important is what’s on the outside.

    So, when I made my announcement armed with the July issue of Cooking Light magazine, P asked, “What’s the point? We’re never going to look like we did in those honeymoon pictures.” And with that statement, Mr. Optimism threw down the gauntlet. Speak for yourself, Sunshine. I am going to achieve post-matrimony fitness and muscle tone, just as soon as I finish this last brownie.

    I mean, who cares that all I had to do back then was let my 26-year-old metabolism do its thing, while periodically throwing in a few lunges for good measure? It’s totally within my grasp, even though I now have a 3 year old who encourages me to eat marshmallows as opposed to working out, and my metabolism is flat broke after 35 years of trying to fight all the fried chicken and Hostess cupcakes it’s had to endure.

    Monday night, I made my first Cooking Light meal. It was some kind of pasta thing with cherry tomatoes, pine nuts and bread crumbs. I was a little worried that P might not like the fact it didn’t contain any meat, but it sounded good, so I made it. I told P dinner was ready and he began serving himself from the large bowl of whole wheat pasta. He was heaping big spoonfuls on his plate and I was so pleased to see his enthusiasm. Finally, he looked at me and said, “Isn’t there any chicken or something in here?”

    No, honey. Just satisfying and filling cherry tomatoes sauteed in 1/4 teaspoon of olive oil with some garlic powder.

    DEEE-LICIOUS.

    And truthfully, the flavor was good, although the whole dish was a little dry. And saying it was a little dry is akin to saying a rainforest is a little damp. It seemed like it needed more oil or cream cheese or something. But I guess that would defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it?

    Then, last night I whipped up yet another healthy recipe from Cooking Light that involved chicken, sundried tomatoes, asiago cheese and, most importantly, pita bread. Anything served in a pita is automatically healthy because, come on, it’s a pita. It’s the food of vegans and Greeks. How can it not be healthy?

    Well, except for those frozen pita pockets filled with ham and processed cheese. Those imposters give pitas everywhere a bad name.

    I was beyond impressed with myself. The whole thing just looked delicious and it was so easy! In fact, as I made it, I started to take pictures because I just knew I was going to post the recipe on the blog, along with pictures of all the fabulousness. I stuffed a pita for Caroline and served it on a plate with a side of watermelon because FRUIT+PITA=MOTHER OF THE CENTURY. She eyed it suspiciously, took a bite, and let it fall out of her mouth all over the plate next to the watermelon as she said, “THAT IS BISGUSTING.”

    So, I tossed the pita over to P so he could try it, while I heated up a hot dog with ketchup for Caroline. He ate the whole thing and I was so proud. I said, “I think it’s really good, what do you think?”. He said, “I can see why you like it because it has a lot of weird flavors, but I don’t really like it.”

    Well, fine. You and our child can continue to consume mass quantities of processed foods and Hostess Donettes, but I have had enough. I am going to make the effort to be healthy and have good cholesterol, and blood pressure that would make an 18 year old weep with envy. I am making a conscious choice to make healthy decisions for the sake of the future and, of course, for the sake of my bottom.

    It really wants to look as good in a pair of jeans as it did back in 1997.

  • Ask not what Big Mama can do for you, but what you can do for Big Mama

    I am a procrastinator. It’s who I am. Maybe it’s because I like to live life with that extra amount of stress or maybe I’m just a little lazy until forced to take action, but I always put off today what can be done tomorrow.

    Which may explain my stellar GPA in college.

    In all fairness, there is only so much a person can retain when trying to read an entire Geology textbook in one sitting the night before an exam. And that’s right, I took Geology, otherwise known as “Rocks for Jocks”, because Biology at Texas A&M is what’s known as a “weed-out” course. It’s a real life study of Darwinian theory, only the strong survive. The rest are spit out on the shores of community college or, at the very least, scholastic probation.

    Anyway, months ago, when my friend E announced she was pregnant, I immediately said, “I can’t wait to help plan a baby shower for you!”. And I totally meant it. What’s not to love about baby showers? I mean, pastel Jordan almonds and pink sherbert punch all in one setting, while guests oooh and aaah over an electric breast pump and share their own labor horror stories? What more could you ask for in a social get together?

    It doesn’t get any better than that.

    A few of us got together and began planning the initial details of the shower. We decided on a date and I volunteered to have the shower at my house because BABY SHOWERS! LOVE THE BABIES! E & W HAVING BABIES! HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY!

    I wrote the date down on my calendar and it got pushed to the back of my mind because it was months and months away. Then, about a month ago, I received my invitation in the mail and a little light went on that alerted me that the day was drawing closer…and then, it went right back off because a month? A month away? PLENTY OF TIME.

    So, on Friday, in the midst of all my thumb trauma, I happened to glance at my calendar and realized the shower was a week away, and as I write this, less than a week away. And the little light inside came back on in FULL PANIC MODE.

    ONE WEEK. One week to get my house party ready and oh, plan and cook a brunch menu for 35-40 people. And really, I’m excited about it. I thrive on the pressure. In all honesty, I love having people over and I love cooking for a crowd. And I adore E and could not be more excited for her as she joins the ranks of motherhood.

    So, here’s what y’all can do for me, because I know you’re wondering. I’d love to hear about some of your favorite baby shower moments, great brunch recipes and cute decorating ideas.

    Help me out, o wise internet friends.

  • Blah, blah, boots, blah, blah, zucchini, blah, blah, pizza

    I already mentioned that I started my day on Friday by horribly disfiguring my thumb in an accident of idiotic proportions. In fact, I tried to dodge the “how’d you do that?” question from P because I didn’t want to see the look on his face that would confirm my brilliance, but eventually, there was no other way to explain how I’d sliced my thumb open in my car without telling some lie about huge shards of glass hidden under the drivers’ seat. I had to ‘fess up.

    And the look? It did not disappoint.

    Anyway, Caroline and I forged ahead with our morning o’ errands with our first stop being Cavenders Boot City. She has outgrown all of her boots and she has to have boots to wear to the ranch, not just because it’s the obvious fashion statement for a day in the country, but also something about tall grass, stickers and snakes. I was living in fear that the day would come when P would offer to take Caroline to the ranch for the entire day, and I would have to decline this offer of freedom because our child has no boots.

    We walked into Cavenders and headed straight to the shoe section. I measured her foot on a handy little mat with various renderings of foot sizes, and figured out she’d need a size 9. I was looking through the array of size 9 boots, preferably in hot pink (only because snakes don’t like hot pink, not because they are the cutest) when a salesman came up to help me. He threw us into a state of confusion by showing Caroline way too many boot options and trying to convince me that she really needed an 8 1/2. I tried to explain that her foot grows at a rate of speed NASA wishes they could achieve, and therefore, I like to buy shoes a little bit bigger so that we can get more than 2 days of wear out of them, but he kept pulling down the size 8 1/2’s.

    I expressed my sympathies over his apparent hearing problem and continued to try to find a pair of size 9’s. Finally, I found a pair that Caroline and I both liked and checked the price tag. $59.99. Oh, Cavenders, you’re not fooling me with that price tag, I can round up and I know that’s really $60.00. I’ve seen the state of Caroline’s boots after she’s been to the ranch and there was no way I was going to pay $60.00 for something that would be covered in mud and scratched beyond all recognition and cuteness. Money was no object to Caroline though, and she wanted those boots. I promised her, as God is my witness, that she would have a new pair of boots before the morning was over, and we headed to a new store that sells boots.

    We walked into Target and went straight to the shoe section. Lo and behold, hot pink boots at 50%, bringing the grand total to $7.84, which even rounding up, means they were just $8.00. Caroline declared they were the best boots EVER and we happily took them up to the cash register. She is now ready for any spur of the moment trips to the ranch.

    The rest of the morning was spent running other errands, most of which involved buying various Little Mermaid paraphernalia for her upcoming birthday party while thinking about how bad my thumb hurt. I could have used a granola bar and some Gatorade.

    P has had a sinus infection due to allergies since last week, and on Saturday morning, I woke up and realized I had caught his “allergies”. My throat was sore and scratchy, my nose was all stopped up and I was tired and achy. Plus, my thumb hurt. So, I decided we’d have a pretty non-eventful day.

    I spent most of the morning cleaning out the playroom. I took a garbage bag in with me and showed no mercy to the legions of Happy Meal toys that had taken up residence. I scraped dried playdough off various surfaces, put pieces of puzzles back where they belonged, and put clothes back on Barbie. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that Barbie is a tramp.

    Finally, the playroom was clean.

    Elephant drawing on the chalkboard was done by Bops. You can have your own copy for $59.95. Today only.

    Later on in the day, I realized that sad truth of motherhood, which is even though you may not feel good, your child has massive amounts of energy to burn. And since we don’t have a child-sized hamster wheel for her to run on, I decided to take her to the pool, even though I told her I was just going to sit on the side. And that’s what I did, I sat on the side. Did I mention it was next to two other mamas who are both 5’11 and weigh 98 pounds?

    Oh, I’m exaggerating. They really weigh 105.

    There is nothing that builds your self esteem like sitting between two supermodels while experiencing raging PMS, having braces on your teeth complete with snazzy rubber bands hinging your jaw together, and a head cold that causes you to sniff and rub your nose repeatedly. I have never felt more attractive or lovely. I was a Glamour Don’t caught between two Glamour Do’s.

    So, after we got home, I decided it was a good time to make zucchini bread using what can only be labeled Gigantor Zucchini, which one of P’s customers gave him. This thing had been sitting on my countertop staring at me menacingly for days. It was intimidating. But realizing it was about to go bad (and who wants anything that size to go bad on them), I decided it was time to bite the bullet, or cut the zucchini as the case may be.

    It made enough for two loaves of zucchini bread.

    And still, there was enough left over to save for grilled zucchini for Sunday night’s dinner. It was the zucchini that would never end.

    For Saturday night’s dinner, I spent hours getting dinner ready and this is what we had.

    I know y’all are all very envious of this magnitude of culinary brilliance, but rest assured, you too can heat an oven to 400 degrees and have a pizza like this, with 100% REAL CHEESE, in 16-18 minutes.

    I even managed to do it with my thumb covered in a Care Bear band-aid.

    Let’s see if Paula Deen can do that.