Author: Big Mama

  • A good fight

    I just got home from my friend A.J.’s house. Her mom passed away Sunday evening around 6:30 p.m after a 6 month battle with pancreatic cancer. A.J. had called me earlier in the day to let me know that it wasn’t going to be much longer, but even when the phone call came, I still felt surprised. It’s just hard to imagine that someone who was so full of life is gone. Last week while I was in the midst of all my life changes, I spent an evening helping A.J. write her mom’s eulogy. Needless to say, it put things in their proper perspective.

    This evening their home was filled with friends, family, laughter and tears. It was the kind of gathering that always seemed to happen at their house, but tonight her mom wasn’t there in the center of it all, yet she was the center of it all. I know there is relief that she is no longer in pain, but there is pain in feeling that she’s gone much too early.

    A few months ago, I sent her a letter thanking her for how much she encouraged me as a new mother and told her that I hoped to raise Caroline to have the same qualities that she instilled in A.J. She emailed me back (apologizing for the rudeness of email opposed to the written letter, of course) and told me that I was too generous in my compliments and she had definitely made mistakes along the way.

    All I know is that tonight, her home was filled with people who think she got it just right. She lived life to the fullest, she always made time for the people she loved, she followed God faithfully, and she fought until the end. And although we know where she is, she’ll be terribly missed.

    “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day…” 2 Timothy 4:7-8

  • Maybe we’ll get a puppy instead

    Caroline and I were driving down the road the other day and out of the blue she said, “Mama, will you go to the store and buy me a baby sister?”

    Well, where do I begin with that line of questioning? Something tells me she isn’t necessarily interested in the part of the answer that involves explaining that little sisters don’t typically come from the store.

    And when the time comes that she is interested in that part, I will sit down with her and tell her all about the stork that brings babies, because that’s what good mamas do. I won’t have my girl growing up ignorant about the birds and the bees. No ma’am.

    So, I went with the time honored tradition of avoiding answering a question by asking a question of my own.

    “Sweetie, do you want a baby sister?”

    “Yes, so when she’s bad I can give her spankings.”

    And that response completely eased any guilt I was feeling about her not having a sibling.

  • Internet shame both in song and picture

    Tracey over at More than a Minivan Mom tagged me for a little meme about my 7 favorite songs. I don’t know how I’m going to narrow the list down to 7, but since she took “Can’t Stop til You Get Enough” by Michael Jackson, that helps me out some.

    I am also a little afraid that writing this list down on the internet for everyone to see will cause people to laugh and mock me and my song preferences. Therefore, I’m also posting this picture of me from prom, because while you’re laughing and mocking, I might as well cover all my bases. Plus, Amanda asked me to and I love her because, not only is she a fellow Aggie, but she uses phrases that crack me up like “missing out on a blessing” plus, she understands the complexity of dealing with big hair. So, Amanda, here’s your blessing for the day. I wouldn’t want you to miss out.

    I’m just sad I don’t have a photo that better showcases the bubble skirt.

    And one more thing before I get to my song selections. Do y’all see that I’m procrastinating about putting my diverse musical tastes out there for all the world to see?

    If any of y’all ever find yourself at home on say, a Thursday night, and have a craving for Ghiradelli Double Chocolate brownies and so you open a box, pour in the dry mix and 1/3 cup of water, and then discover that you’re out of vegetable oil, and you wonder if putting in a 1/3 cup of Crisco butter sticks and extra water would suffice…the answer is that yes, yes it does, if you don’t mind making a big pan of chocolate crumbs with an odd consistency. But if you’re like me and have no shame in just pouring those crumbs down your throat, then it totally works.

    Paula Deen would be so proud.

    Okay, here are my 7 favorite songs as of this moment. There is no guarantee that this list would be the same tomorrow.

    1. “Something in the Way She Moves” by James Taylor. I could just list 7 songs by JT and be done with it, but that would be boring. And even though sometimes it may be hard to tell, I try not to be boring.

    2. “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. Obvious choice. It will always have special meaning for me because I promise that I listened to it about a million times during the summer after my miscarriage and knew that God was going to eventually give me a girl and we would name her Caroline.

    There is nothing quite as attractive as a hormonal, half crazy, moderately depressed woman belting out “Sweet Caroline” as she drives through town.

    3. “If I Had a Million” by Pat Green. Any song that talks about drinking margaritas and dancing to mariachis is my kind of song. Seriously, it’s just a beautiful love song.

    4. “Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chicks. There again, I could just name 7 Dixie Chicks songs and be done. Love the Dixie Chicks and not just because Charlie and Emily are my BFF from the pool.

    5. “I’d Have to be Crazy” by Willie Nelson. Willie Nelson reminds me of my childhood. I can’t hear his voice without going back to the days of fast forwarding songs on casette players. Back then, I always liked “On the Road Again”, but now I’m partial to this and “Pancho and Lefty”.

    6. “Crazy in Love” by Beyonce. It just doesn’t get much more fabulous than Beyonce. I almost chose “Bootylicious”, but decided that I’d go with a more sophisticated, upscale choice. Beyonce’s music makes me feel like I can dance. And that’s a tall order.

    7. “Our Lips Are Sealed” by the Go-Go’s. It’s a classic. Don’t tell me I’m alone.

    Alright, I have bared my soul and my enormous 80’s hair. Shout out in the comments or post your favorites. What makes you shake your booty or moves your heart? OR BOTH?

  • Timing is everything

    Last Wednesday night was the season finale of Friday Night Lights. I believe I may have mentioned this before, but Friday Night Lights is the best show on television. Honestly. And if you’ve missed it, then look for the reruns this summer and start watching. Please.

    Because if it gets cancelled, I will fall into a pit of despair and depression.

    Anyway, I was watching the season finale last Wednesday, and Coach Taylor’s wife found out she was pregnant. The nurse asked her, “Honey, do you want this baby?” and she said, “I prayed for this baby 12 years ago and then 11 years ago and then 10 years ago, and finally realized that God must have other plans”. The nurse looked her right in the eye and said, “Well honey, it looks like God changed His mind.”

    And I started crying.

    I started crying because I know how it feels to pray and to get an answer. I know how it feels to hope that God changes His mind. And the irony is, while I was watching that show, I had no idea what God was about to do.

    Let me say before y’all get all excited that I am not pregnant. But I do have some news.

    When Caroline was born, I was blessed to work for a company that gave me 6 months of maternity leave. That’s right. 6 months. But when that 6 months was up, I didn’t want to go back to work. I wanted to be home with my baby girl and I cried and bargained and prayed that God would allow that to happen.

    And it didn’t.

    I didn’t understand, but at the same time realized that I was blessed to have a job with flexibility and a husband who works from home so that we were able to juggle our schedules and make sure one of us was always with Caroline. We made it work and, in all honesty, I had days where I was relieved to be able to leave the house and go eat lunch at a restaurant that didn’t require me to take off my shoes before walking into the Playplace.

    We adjusted. I accepted that this was what God had for me and I was okay with it, but in my heart my prayer remained the same.

    Some of y’all may remember that back in February I had some things come up with my job regarding false accusations. If not, you can read about it here. I had to fly to Dallas for a big, scary meeting. Everything got cleared up, but my manager called me just this past Friday and told me that now they were looking at some other things and it would require another scary meeting, another trip to Dallas. The weird thing was that as she talked, I was perfectly calm.

    Anyone who reads my posts on a regular basis knows how remarkable that statement is. I remained calm.

    In fact, I remained so calm I wondered if I was having some kind of breakdown that was causing me to not properly compute information.

    P got home and we talked about it. He asked me if I thought this was God’s way of pushing me to take a step of faith and resign from my job. He put into words exactly what I was feeling. I knew it was time to walk away.

    When I think back to everything that has happened in our lives since the initial meeting in February, I am overwhelmed at how God has prepared the way for this next step. I found a great way for us to get affordable health insurance, P won the bid on a huge job providing extra income, and I am in the middle of working on some exciting things that I can’t talk about in detail quite yet.

    It’s all come together in the right way, at the right time.

    Friday night, P and I sat and talked about everything and couldn’t believe how at peace we feel with this decision. I cannot even convey how awed I am by God’s faithfulness and timing. If I had been able to stay at home 3 years ago, I wouldn’t have worked as hard to figure out what I’m passionate about. I know myself well enough to know that I need something that is mine, something I care about, and blogging has really helped me find it.

    Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like everything is just perfect. One of the biggest perks of my job is a company car with insurance and gas, and that’s going away. The good news is that Gulley’s backseat can hold three carseats, so we’re going to be carpooling to the grocery store for awhile, which will basically take us back to our years in college when Gulley chauffered me around in her Pontiac Sunbird because my Honda CRX had doors that would no longer open from the inside.

    There are only so many times you can climb in and out of your car like one of the Duke boys before you start looking for a better mode of transportation.

    Anyway, with summer right around the corner, Caroline and I will spend most of our waking hours at the neighborhood pool which is within walking distance, and let’s be honest, is there a better motivator to spend some time walking than knowing you’re going to be wearing a bathing suit every day?

    The thing is there are still some obstacles. P’s business is seasonal, so we’re going to have to figure out how to budget wisely. We’re praying about the car thing, because while I can do without for awhile, the reality is that at some point I’m going to need a car. In spite of figuring these things out, I am so overwhelmed at God’s perfect timing and provision. And even more than that, with the peace He has put in my heart that He will provide for us. He is faithful.

    And I’m forever grateful that He changed His mind. I can’t wait to see where we go from here.

    Plus, saving money at the grocery store will be no problem, seeing as how we have 600 pounds of elk meat in our deep freeze. I thought I was kidding about elk kabobs, sloppy elk joes, and elk tenders, but God knew we were going to be eating a lot of elk.

    “Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”
    Psalm 16:5-8

  • A moment in time

    This morning, Caroline needed me to open something for her and I had to get out my scissors. She looked at me and said, “Oh Mama! I can’t wait to be big like you and use those sharp, sharp scissors!”

    And I said, “Are you really going to get big? Can’t you just stay little?”

    She said, “No, no I can NOT. But don’t worry, I’ll always be your baby.”

    Which caused me to pick her up and squeeze her tight as my heart exploded into a million pieces.

  • For Heather

    Today is for Heather. For those of y’all who may not know, you can read Heather’s story here and here. I cannot even imagine what she and her family are going through right now, but I know that I am inspired by her faith. I have to say that when I read her post last week, it made me wonder how much one person, one family can bear. You can read about their daughter, Emma, here.

    Boomama is helping raise money starting at midnight tonight, April 18th, for the expenses that Heather will incur as they search for treatment options. Head on over to Boomama’s to see how you can help. If you can contribute financially that’s great, but most importantly Heather needs our prayers.

    Y’all have a great day.