Another day

This is where I could write some long introduction explaining why I’m just posting a list of things today, but the fact of the matter is I can’t possibly string all these things into a few concise, well-written paragraphs. Bullet points and/or numbers are in order.

1. Y’all. I totally messed up on the “My Very Excellent Mother Served Us Nine Pizzas” thing yesterday because I wrote ORDERED instead of SERVED. Maybe some of you thought I did it on purpose to be funny.

I didn’t.

This doesn’t bode well for Caroline’s eventual assignment on the Solar System and also serves as a very good example of why I never need to homeschool. The world doesn’t need another child running around declaring, “THE EARTH IS TOTALLY FLAT, Y’ALL”.

2. Speaking of Caroline and the fact I have nothing left to offer her education-wise, the other day I was telling Mimi and Bops about something and Caroline asked, “Where is it located?”

I replied, “It’s in a place called Chicago”.

She said, “I’M IN THIRD GRADE. Don’t tell me ‘IT’S IN A PLACE CALLED CHICAGO’. I KNOW ABOUT CHICAGO.”

I’m pretty sure she’s packing up and moving to New York next week.

3. I want SO MUCH to discuss this whole A&M to the SEC mess and Baylor’s threats of a lawsuit. But I’ve always been told if you can’t say something nice then you shouldn’t say anything at all.

Sometimes if you love something you have to let it go, Baylor.

Edited to add – I was a little harsher earlier and I apologize. I have very strong feelings but I will keep them to myself. I love many, many people who happened to have graduated from Baylor.

4. I ended up with side swept bangs yesterday. It felt like the right choice. I’m not sure how I feel about them yet. I’ll let you know after I style them myself.

5. I’m so excited about the debut of the new Missoni collection at Target that I even marked September 13th on my calendar so I wouldn’t forget. I hope it’s worth me driving five miles out of my way and enduring four additional stoplights to get there.

Of course I’m debating going to my secret Target instead because I think my main Target is totally over-shopped. Rumor has it we’re getting a Super Target in our neighborhood, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

6. Guess what? There’s a chance to win a Keurig coffee maker and read about Green Mountain coffee on my giveaway page.

7. The fires in Texas. We desperately need rain. Please continue to pray for Texas. It’s so sad.

8. I think that’s it. Y’all have a great day.

We had Back to School night last night and I ended up leaving totally stressed out. Stressed out about third grade. And rumors that it will require making a model of the Solar System. I am from a generation that was led to believe that Pluto was a planet. In fact I’m still not sure that it’s not. Who decides what constitutes a planet and why do they get to just revoke that status all willy-nilly? Because they have “Doctor” in front of their name? I once watched a doctor dump an entire side salad from Olive Garden into his lasagna and eat it all mixed together in a large bowl. Doctors don’t know everything.

And how am I supposed to help Caroline memorize the order of the planets if I don’t use “My Very Excellent Mother Just Ordered Us Nine Pizzas”? It doesn’t make any sense if you leave off the pizzas. The whole thing makes my head hurt. I can already tell I’m going to lose sleep over how to make the rings on Saturn really POP.

We also heard more about the STARR test which is the new standardized test for Texas schools this year. Apparently it’s supposed to be more difficult than the TAAS or the TAKS or the entrance exam for admission to Harvard. Caroline’s teacher showed us a sample question and it contained the words “quadratic equation”. I almost blacked out from the horrific flashbacks to Algebra and was prepared to just take Caroline out of school right now and teach her a useful trade before her teacher clarified this was a question from the version of the test taken by seniors in high school.

Clearly we’re going to have to get her a tutor at some point. A tutor with math skills not limited to balancing a checkbook. A tutor who doesn’t have to measure out 3/4 of a cup of flour twice when doubling a recipe because she can’t remember how to add fractions. Not that I know anyone who has to do that. It’s purely hypothetical.

In other developments that have little to nothing to do with my child’s education, P got out of bed late last night because sometimes when a person eats half a bag of M&Ms they get acid reflux. (Now there is some free science for you.) While he was popping Tums and taking Zantac, he looked out the back window and discovered a very large possum dining on our dogs’ food. This serves as confirmation that I have no business ever going in our backyard after midnight. Nothing good can come of it. Unless you believe a possum-induced heart attack is a positive thing.

It seems like there should be more to the possum story doesn’t it? There’s not. Sorry. It’s just something I wanted to share. So that someday I can look back and wonder when it was that a possum was eating our dogs’ food and know that it was September 6, 2011. Precious memories.

Finally, as if this isn’t all exciting enough, I’m getting my hair cut later today. I realize this may not mean much to, well, all of you, but I haven’t had it cut since April. It’s shameful. I’m a cross between Morticia Addams and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

I really didn’t mean to go this long between haircuts but the summer just flew by and I spent the majority of it with my hair piled under a baseball cap at the pool or bobby-pinned back in some sort of haphazard bun configuration. So now my bangs have completely grown out and I have to make the agonizing decision that rules my life; Bangs or no bangs? Side swept long bangs? Straight across bangs?

It’s almost as important as whether or not Pluto is a planet.

Y’all.

I am so disoriented right now. It feels like it’s Sunday night but I just realized it’s Monday night and that explains why The Bachelor Pad is on. Actually, nothing explains why Bachelor Pad is on. I believe it’s a new low for reality television and no one has ever accused me of having any standards where reality T.V. is concerned. I mean I’ve watched at least one or six episodes of EVERY single franchise of The Real Housewives, including Miami and no one could stomach that.

But speaking of reality T.V., and we totally were whether you knew it or not, the new season of The Rachel Zoe Project starts Tuesday. I have no doubt that it will LITERALLY be BANANAS. I die. I may even do what Rachel would do and curl up in my thick white velour robe and eat half a carrot stick to celebrate.

Oh I’m kidding. We all know Zoe would never eat half a carrot stick. She lives solely on whatever she drinks in those venti cups from Starbucks.

Okay, so let’s talk about the weekend. Even though that means I have to go back three whole days since it’s not Sunday, but Monday. It makes my brain hurt.

On Friday night P and Caroline went down to the ranch for what has become their weekly hog hunt. Several of you have asked what they do with the hogs and so this seems like a good time to tell you that all the meat is processed and used to feed the homeless through a ministry at our church. Wild hogs are a real problem for ranchers in Texas and so this is a win for everyone concerned.

However, the big win was my Friday evening pedicure. I chose a deep shade of maroon for my toes to show my support for the Aggies and because I choose to believe it’s really fall.

Saturday was a low-key day. We swam at Mimi and Bops’ house with my sister and her kids and ate fajitas.

(I know. This is FASCINATING.)

(And I didn’t even tell you about the whole wheat tortillas from Central Market!)

(They were delicious.)

On Sunday morning we went to church and then laid around for most of the day until it was time to head to Gulley’s to watch the Aggies play SMU. And I got a huge surprise when Gulley’s front door opened and my dear friend from college, Jennifer, was standing there.

I had no idea she was coming in town because she wanted to surprise me with a belated birthday celebration. AND, best of all, she brought her precious new three-month-old baby boy with her.

We’re pretty sure he’ll be a starting offensive lineman for the Aggies by next year.

Some of you may remember, or not, that Jennifer, Gulley and I were college roommates. Jen got married for the first time in April 2010 after waiting for a long time for her Mr. Right to show up. You can read all about it right here. They decided to wait a year after the wedding to make a decision about whether or not to have kids. But because God has a sense of humor, Jen found out she was unexpectedly pregnant just a few months later. She was more than a little stunned, but also thrilled and now she has a beautiful baby boy to go along with her new husband. That’s a lot of changes in a one year period of time when you’re thirty-nine years old, but she is the most laid back new mother I’ve ever seen.

Anyway, it was such a fun surprise and meant the world to me. There isn’t much better in life than watching Aggie football with your oldest and dearest friends. Well, unless it’s watching the Aggies WIN while you’re watching with your oldest and dearest friends.

Then, as if all that wasn’t enough, I woke up on Monday morning to discover that fall had decided to pay a visit. It was a cool 63 degrees outside with a north wind that made me want to open all the windows and breathe it in. So that’s exactly what I did.

I was even inspired to deep clean much of the house because the weather made me feel so hopeful about the future. Later in the day Gulley and I took the kids to the pool and they complained about being COLD. The temperature had gotten up to 92 degrees but they were COLD. Bless their little deep-fried South Texas hearts.

Of course P says this is really just a fake cold front caused by Tropical Storm Lee, but WHATEVER. I’ll take what I can get. Rumor has it that it will only be 55 degrees tomorrow morning. Which means if you need me you can find me sitting outside ALL DAY LONG.

On a serious note, there are fires burning all over Texas. It breaks my heart to see the devastation. The cooler weather is nice, but we desperately, DESPERATELY, need rain. Would sure appreciate your prayers to that end.

And so that’s what’s going on here. Hope y’all had a great Labor Day weekend.

First off, I cannot thank you enough for all your thoughts on sunglasses. Who knew it was such a hot topic? Hot being the key word.

Secondly, here are a few brief observations on September 1st.

1. 108 degrees doesn’t feel that much cooler than 111 degrees.

2. Weathermen are big liars who tell you early in the week that there’s a chance of rain and cooler temperatures (only mid-90s!) by Thursday.

3. Which then causes your heart to break when you find out that they led you astray.

4. It’s time for summer to end when you begin to feel complete rage just walking across the Target parking lot.

5. Ordering a frappucino once you’re inside Target helps the anger subside a little.

6. Until you have to walk back outside and then you wonder why you even bother to put on makeup anymore since it just melts off your face.

7. The only thing that gives you hope is that it’s officially September.

8. And you received the new Sundance catalog in the mail and it’s filled with all manner of delightful boots and cozy sweaters.

9. And college football starts this weekend.

10. Which means it has to get cool again someday, right?

Please say yes.

I’m done with the Summer of 2011. DONE.

I dedicated yesterday to staying home to take care of a few things around the house, like the pile of laundry that growled at me on Monday and attempting to clean six months worth of goldfish and Cheerios out of the bottom of our couch cushions. And by goldfish I mean the delicious Pepperidge Farm cheese-flavored fish, not any sort of live fish. Because, please, I do have some standards of cleanliness.

But a girl can only do so many of these menial tasks before she needs to take a break, get out of the house and breathe in the refreshing 110 degree air outside. (You might be thinking SURELY SHE CAN TALK ABOUT SOMETHING BESIDES THE HEAT. To which I say NO I CAN’T. IT’S TOO HOT. AND QUIT CALLING ME SHIRLEY.)

So I gathered up a pile of clothes I’d been meaning to take in to my alterations lady since sometime in June, but I kept forgetting about it until I wanted to wear one of the items and then I’d remember and, ultimately, forget again five minutes later. This is how I operate. Plus the alterations lady is located in a fairly shady area of town and I always feel like I might be taking my life in my hands to get a pair of pants beautifully hemmed for $10.

But I felt like playing it fast and loose yesterday and I headed that way. Only to discover that she has relocated to a new place only five minutes from my house. I made my way to the new store and brought in my things for her to evaluate.

While she was looking things over, I mentioned that I really liked her new location. She said she was very happy and I told her I bet she felt a lot safer because the old place was kind of scary. And then she replied, “Yes, a customer asked me why I moved and I told her even Stevie Wonder could see why I needed to leave that old place.” I found it refreshing to discover we still live in a world where seamstresses don’t feel the need to be politically correct.

I still had about thirty minutes to kill before it was time to pick Caroline up from school and I didn’t want to go home, park the car in the driveway and let it get hot again. A person can only take so many third degree burns on the backs of her thighs in one twenty-four hour period. So I decided to run in Charming Charlie’s because I am in the market for some new inexpensive accessories and also desperately needed a new pair of sunglasses.

And this is where I am going to make a confession that has haunted me for years.

I am sunglass-choosing impaired.

It’s true. I don’t know how to select a good pair of sunglasses. This generally leads me to just pick the largest pair I can find with some sort of faux tortoiseshell frames. Which explains why several years ago Gulley’s son, Jackson, asked, “Mel? Can I try on your new goggles?”

That led me to attempt to rock some aviators like I used to wear in high school back when I still thought Top Gun was the best movie ever made and I took Tom Cruise seriously. But, as I reminded Gulley yesterday, my choice of aviators took a big hit when I went to lunch about four years ago with my outspoken former co-worker, Dee.

Dee and I were eating lunch and I had my jaunty aviators pushed back on top of my head. After lunch was over, she looked at me and asked, “Are those aviators? I’ve been thinking about getting a pair. Let me see how they look on you since we have a similar face shape.”

I put them on. Dee looked at me and shook her head violently no as she said, “OH NO! Those look TERRIBLE.”

Gulley told me it’s been at least four years since that incident and it might be time for me to let it go. She suggested that perhaps I’m holding on to some lingering sunglass insecurity and I need to reject it. Start fresh.

And she’s right. It’s time to move on from the sunglasses hurts of the past.

For the last year and a half I’ve worn a cheap pair with hideous faux crystals on the side that Caroline fell in love with when she saw them at Steinmart. I bought them out of desperation and never planned to wear them this long. It’s embarrassing really. But I haven’t bought new ones because I can’t ever find a pair that don’t end up making me feel like I might look like this.

“Hey! Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?”

In the end I did buy a new pair at Charming Charlie’s. I’m not really crazy about them, but they don’t have faux crystals on the side and that’s good enough for me for right now. I also consoled myself with the fact they were $9.97.

So basically all of this to simply ask if any of y’all have thoughts on sunglasses? Do you buy expensive glasses or, like me, do you top out in the $19.99 range? And that’s on a day I’m feeling reckless.

What style do you wear? Where do you buy your sunglasses?

Harry Caray and I would like to know.

Well yesterday was quite a day. Mainly because it was a Monday. And I had to go the grocery store because, while we had plenty of snack-type foods, we were sorely lacking in actual things that make up a real meal. Like Honey Nut Cheerios and pretzel sticks and vegetables.

So today is just going to be a quick list of things that I want to share with the group. You may think I am totally worthless for posting some kind of list when it’s only a Tuesday and that I should be more creative. And to that I say YOU ARE TOTALLY RIGHT.

But it was 112 degrees here yesterday so don’t hassle me. I’m local.

1. Speaking of the heat, I got in my car to pick up Caroline from school and the digital thermometer read 127 degrees. And then it exploded.

Not really. But that would have been an awesome story.

2. About a month or so ago, Angie Smith wrote a beautiful post called Honeysuckle and Fireflies about her neighbor who loves to play baseball.

It made me cry and I cried all over again yesterday when I read this post about Norris the Atlanta Brave. God is so good.

3. My whole week was made when I saw that Sophie is going to be hosting a DipTacular this Wednesday just in time for the start of college football season. You can read all the details right here.

For those of you not familiar with a DipTacular, it’s simply the greatest way to discover all manner of new things to dip your chips in.

4. Did someone say college football? Listen. SEC or no SEC. Whatever. (Not really whatever because I really want the SEC thing to happen, but I’m being coy.)

The bottom line is the Aggies start their season in just a few short days. Gig’em.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

5. And while we’re on the topic of wonderful, did any of y’all see Adele on the VMA awards? If you missed it you can watch it here.

In a world of people hatching out of eggs to make a statement, I believe this makes it obvious what talent really looks like. Amazing.

That’s it for today.

Stay classy.