Another day

Wretchedness

I have spent the day feeling certain that I contracted some type of black plague from Kiddie Park. How else can you explain the fact that I can no longer breathe through my nose and would like nothing more to than to sleep for days?

Everyone knows those are hallmark symptoms of the black plague.

Or a head cold.

Whatever.

So tonight, P and I settled in and watched “My Name is Earl” followed by “The Office” and I felt the best I’ve felt all day.

Shortly after the shows ended, I began to work on my Fashion Friday post, liberally dispensing amateur fashion and hair tips.

Then, two things happened.

1. I heard our dogs going crazy right by our bedroom window, then I heard a yelp.

And then I smelled the unmistakable aroma of a frightened skunk.

Did I mention it was right outside our bedroom window?

It was so bad it made the dog throw up on the back porch.

And speaking of throw up…

2. About 30 minutes and 15 vanilla-jasmine scented candles later, I hear the sound of what can only be described as retching being broadcast over the baby monitor.

Either Caroline has a stomach bug or the potato salad she ate with dinner didn’t agree with her.

It certainly didn’t agree with her sheets.

Due to all the foulness surrounding this house, I’m going to bed.

Therefore, Fashion Friday won’t be ready to go until sometime later tomorrow.

I hope.
When the moon hits your eye like a big dino nugget

We have got to start doing something exciting with our weekends. If we can’t step up our activity level, my posts will continue to suffer from lack of excitement. Oh, and we should do more stuff as a family and bond and blah, blah, blah.

I’m just not sure how compelling it is to read “I took a nap on Saturday”.

Anyway, I’ll soldier on because I’m like the guy at Dunkin Donuts. It’s time to make the donuts or write the blog post as the case may be.

And speaking of Dunkin Donuts, I read sometime last week they are opening 75 stores in the San Antonio area. Folks, that is ALOT of donuts. I mean, I am all for donuts. In fact, I’m such a fan it could be part of my campaign slogan if I were to ever run for PTA president or something, but 75 stores in one city?

It seems like a little munchkin overkill. (Isn’t that what they call their donut holes? I don’t want anyone to think I’m slandering little people)

On Saturday morning we headed to a birthday party for one of Caroline’s friends. It was at a local amusement park for little kids called Kiddie Park. And I’m using the terms “amusement park” and “for kids” very loosely. I mean, the kids love it but the little rides have definitely seen better days.

Case in point, check out the color of this water on the boat ride.

I don’t even want to think about the results a water quality test would show.

Black plague anyone?

One of the other moms at the party told me she had been there a few weeks ago and the little roller coaster was closed. The park worker explained it was closed for repairs, then pointed over to a far corner of the ride and said, “Right over yonder is where they always lose an eye.”

Lord have mercy.

Always lose an eye?

It seems like that would have made the local news.

Either way, I think maybe we’ll stick to the carousel.

After the party, Caroline and I headed home. I took a little nap while she climbed all over me. It was very restful and soothing, much like the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

She finally wore me down and we went to Mimi and Bop’s house so she could swim. In case I haven’t mentioned it, it’s still about 116 degrees here every day. South Texas in the fall is very similar to hell.

But with mosquitoes.

Finally, we headed home. P had gone hunting for the evening and wouldn’t be back until later that night, so I asked Caroline if she wanted to order pizza since it was “just us girls”.

Last Saturday night, she stayed at Gulley’s while P and I hosted a baby shower. Gulley “made” the kids a pizza by unwrapping and heating up a frozen pizza in the oven. Caroline talked all week long about how delicious the pizza was that Gulley made.

So, I suggested pizza and she said sure, pizza sounded good. And said it with the same enthusiasm as if I’d asked her if she’d like to go dig a 10 foot ditch in the backyard.

And I know that because I frequently ask her to go dig large ditches in the backyard.

I put her in the bathtub and told her I was going to order the pizza. What kind did she want?

She sighed deeply and said, “There’s no way any pizza is going to be as good as the pizza Gulley made, I’ll just have dino nuggets.”

Yes, because Gulley slaved over that $3.00 frozen pizza. It was a labor of love.

But I guess what they say is true, DiGiorno really is better than delivery.
Next week I may get my oil changed

Well, I’m sitting in Discount Tire while I attempt to compose this post. With any luck, the ambience of a bargain tire warehouse will inspire some creativity, because heaven knows I haven’t been able to think of a single interesting thing to say while sitting at my desk at home.

It’s a little known fact that Hemingway composed most of his best work at his local Discount Tire store.

My car has a back tire that’s been steadily losing air. I would have never noticed this in a million years. A fact, by the way, that completely boggles P’s mind. We have spent countless minutes of my life that I’ll never get back looking out at the car in the driveway, with him grilling me on how I can’t tell the tire is flat.

“How can you not see that the tire is flat?”

“It doesn’t look flat to me.”

“Do you not see that it has significantly less air than the other tires?”

Umm. No.

What am I? Some sort of automotive, tire pressure specialist?

The tire is not flat to the naked eye.

Or, at the very least, the unobservant eye.

I have a gift.

So, fingers crossed, maybe I need a new tire. Because I would so much rather spend money on a new tire, as opposed to say, saving said money for a sweater coat from Anthropologie. Not to mention the fact that, really, there is nothing I’d rather do with a free morning while Caroline is in school than hang out in an auto store.

It’s almost like being at Starbucks, but with the smell of burnt rubber as opposed to delicious Colombian goodness with a cinnamon swirl muffin on the side.

And instead of catching up with my friends, listening to some woman trying to tell me about her upcoming road trip to California or something like that.

Doesn’t she see that I’m in the midst of composing a literary masterpiece? I bet Hemingway never had this problem. Or maybe he did and it’s how he got the idea for “Grapes of Wrath”.

Except that would be John Steinbeck.

And everyone knows he did most of his writing in the snack bar at Target.

Anyway, this is how I seem to spend the days Caroline is in school. I have high hopes for all the things I’m going to accomplish, then I look up and it’s time to pick her up. Most days all I’ve accomplished is catching up on my Oprah episodes and getting out the vacuum cleaner with the best of intentions.

This summer I made a list of all the things I would accomplish once Caroline was in school:

1. Clean out all closets
2. Paint inside of bathroom cabinet
3. Give house deep cleaning including removing rugs and having them cleaned
4. Taking couch slipcovers to drycleaners to get them cleaned
5. Go to lunch with Gulley at least once a week.
6. Reorganize kitchen cabinets.
7. Clean out laundry room.
8. Thoroughly clean all light fixtures.
9. Organize photos and videos into some sort of system.
10. Write coherent, interesting, entertaining posts for blog.

Here’s what I’ve accomplished.

I’ve gone to lunch with Gulley about 4 times since school started.

Obviously I’m pacing myself.

I think I’m still a little bit giddy with my newfound freedom. Freedom that allows me to roam the aisles at Old Navy, Target and TJ Maxx without someone hanging on my leg and begging me to stop looking at clothes so that I can watch how fast they can run across the store.

Seriously, when I resigned from my job last spring, Caroline finished school two weeks later. Thus began the longest summer ever. Granted, I loved being at home without the pressure of work, however, I had no idea what it was like to just have free time for the sake of having free time.

I haven’t really known what to do with myself. I’m like a kid in a candy store, or you know, like a kid who can watch Friday Night Lights instead of Noggin on a Wednesday morning.

But, with my foray into Discount Tire, I am proclaiming that I’m serious about getting stuff done while Caroline is in school. I’m ramping up to be proficient and wise about my time management.

I may even go home and clean out a closet later.

But let’s be honest, the only way the inside of the bathroom cabinet is getting painted is if I hire someone to do it.

I think I’ll edit my list.

2. Hire someone to paint inside of bathroom cabinet.

See, I feel more efficient already.
Various and sundry items

Maybe it’s because I’ve had more than my fair share of caffeinated beverages, but I have about 152 thoughts running through my head. And instead of weaving them all into some type of thoughtful, concise post, I’m going to fall back on my old friend, the list.

Oh, list. I have missed you and how easy you make my life.

1. Over the last 6 months, I have developed an unhealthy addiction to Ghiradelli’s Double Chocolate Brownie mix. I try to turn away when I see them winking at me from the shelf at HEB, but I have been powerless.

I am but a weak vessel.

So, this week, as a healthy alternative, I bought Krusteaz Fat-Free Brownie mix. It’s basically just some powder and you add water. I made them last night.

And they almost taste like real brownies if you close your eyes and don’t think about it too much. Eating them while drinking a fifth of vodka wouldn’t hurt either.

2. Several of y’all asked where I got Caroline’s cute outfit. It’s a brand called Mis Tee V-Us and I love all their stuff. I usually wait until it goes on sale at a local boutique, but I know you can find it online. A kids’ clothing site I love is bestdressedkids.com.

Cute, cute, cute.

3. For those of y’all who weren’t sure what the Ostrich packet had to do with anything, I will help you out. The Ostrich was but one type of rubber band I had to endure throughout my long, arduous orthodontia journey.

I will be digging miniature rubberbands out of the bottom of my makeup bag and various purses for many years to come.

4. Also, thanks for the reminders to wear my retainers. However, since Dr. Kevorkian apparently pegged me as a non-compliant patient, he put permanent retainers behind both my top and bottom teeth.

These suckers aren’t going anywhere. And honestly, if I had to carry a retainer around in a plastic case, it wouldn’t last a month. I can barely keep up with my wallet, which contains money…sometimes.

5. Gulley came over this morning and I said something about my new Favorite Things page. She said she didn’t realize I was updating it everyday and said I needed to communicate that piece of information to other readers who may be in the dark.

So, yes. I am adding new links to my Favorites page every day. As Forrest Gump says, it’s like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.

6. And last but not least, many of y’all requested a picture of me. I have been hesitant to post a picture on the blog, not due to privacy issues, but due to the fact that I find myself incredibly unphotogenic. I have serious photo issues.

But since y’all have endured this orthodontia nightmare with me and been so kind as to offer your support and condolences, I feel it is only fair to show you the fruits of your labor. This is a self-portrait because honestly, the idea of holding a photo shoot with P behind the camera seemed silly.

I also thought about calling my friend AJ, who is a professional photographer, but seeing as how she had foot and hip surgery a week ago, it seemed a little vain to ask her if she could hobble on over here and snap some shots. For free. Or at least in return for some red and orange Sour Patch kids, because she doesn’t like the yellow and green ones.

I’m procrastinating. Here I am.

Y’all have a great weekend!

Oh, and we’ll have a new podcast up sometime this weekend. It will be chockfull of all the deep insight y’all have come to expect.
Oh yes, September is turning out to be a banner month

I think I may have mentioned that yesterday was Caroline’s first day of school. Here she is right before we walked out the door. She was obviously giddy with excitement because she actually let me put bows in her hair.

Please note the Disney Princess lunchbox. She is extremely proud of it and the fact that it has “a real jewel” on Sleeping Beauty’s crown. And really, how can you not get excited over that?

A little bit of bling can take lunchtime from ordinary to extraordinary.

It was rough to watch her walk into that classroom, knowing that I had a day of blissful freedom ahead of me. But I soldiered on and made the best of it. I met Gulley and my friend Julie at the nail salon for a pedicure and we followed it up with lunch. It wasn’t easy, but we tried to enjoy ourselves and even managed to have multiple conversations without one single interruption.

As the pedicure technician (Really? Is that the term?) applied sugar scrub and then massaged my feet, I kept thinking, wow, this is almost as much fun as trying to find Polly Pocket’s miniscule purple boot, while Diego rescues some kind of bug-eyed marmoset pygmy or whatever, and Caroline complains about her peanut butter and jelly sandwich because it’s a little “too jelly-ish”.

Yeah. That’s why they call it peanut butter AND jelly. Otherwise, it would just be peanut butter.

Finally, around noon, I became so relaxed that the twitch that started in my left eye sometime in mid-July, began to subside.

And in other significant news…

I GOT MY BRACES OFF YESTERDAY.

It’s true. I don’t know why I didn’t start this post with HEY! I GOT MY BRACES OFF YESTERDAY!!!! except for the fact that it’s hard to convey my excitement in words. But I’m giving it my best try by using multiple exclamation points.

I had an orthodontist appointment scheduled for 10:15 and I told P, “I’m either coming home with no braces or I may be calling you to come bail me out of jail.” Fortunately for Dr. Kevorkian, he said it was time for the braces to come off.

Remember that episode of “Good Times” when they found out they were moving out of the ghetto? I was even more excited than that.

And seriously, I’d like to say I haven’t spent the last 24 hours looking at myself in every mirror I pass by, but that would just be a lie. True confession, a car behind me in traffic today had to honk to tell me the light was green because I had become completely enthralled with my dental appearance in my rearview mirror.

Personally, I thought it was really rude of them to honk because where on earth do they need to be that’s more important than how my teeth look?

The best part of getting my braces off, well, other than the grinding noise of the machine that scraped all the glue off my teeth and made my gums feel like they were on fire, was when Dr. Kevorkian praised me for what a good patient I have been. He said he never heard me complain one single time about my braces.

I think P would beg to differ.

And so would the internet, for that matter.

But in the meantime, I’m tossing these babies in the trash.

Good riddance, hateful ostrich. I won’t miss you at all.
It would make waiting on pins and needles seem pleasant

On Monday, Caroline had her 4 year old checkup at the doctor. And with the checkup came the 4 year old vaccinations.

Four, to be exact. We are now safe from measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox, polio and diptheria.

Does anyone even know what diptheria is?

The shots were awful, but it’s over. We’re done until she’s 12 and really, by then, she’ll probably be in the middle of such massive pre-teen angst, it won’t break my heart nearly as much to see her get a shot.

Anyway, I promised her that after the appointment was over we could go to EZ’s to get a milkshake, and then to Target to pick out a little treat.

Because buying things fixes everything. It’s important that she knows that.

We strolled into Target, post-milkshake, and made our way down all the aisles. And Father forgive me, but I told a lie in the shoe aisle because Caroline wanted these hideous (HIDEOUS!!) shoes and I told her they didn’t have her size. I can deal with a lot of things, but I’m just not equipped to deal with my daughter wearing shoes that can only be described as cute-free.

So, as we’re walking through Housewares, I look up and see this in the distance.

Honestly, my first thought was that’s the ugliest lamp I have ever seen.

Then, I looked closer and realized it’s not a lamp. It’s a barstool.

When was the last time you thought it was a good idea to put your bottom in a large plastic bowl?

And on an entirely different note, there will be another podcast coming soon. Boomama and I tried to cast on the pod today and experienced some technical difficulties. Let’s just say at one point she sent me an email and the subject line was “Can’t get microphone to work”.

Then, at another point, I clicked on something (technical term) to try to troubleshoot and all of a sudden my face was up on the computer screen bigger than Dallas and equally as frightening.

We really are setting the podcast world on fire with all our sophisticated technological skills.

So, if we can get the microphones to work, we’ll have a podcast up in the next day or so. But it won’t be a videocast unless we can get some folks in here to do some hair, makeup and wardrobe.

Or if I click on that thing again.

I know y’all will be on the edge of your seats. And hopefully, your seats aren’t shaped like giant salad bowls. Because that would just be painful.