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Well. I’m sure you will all be relieved to know that Caroline’s fangs managed to survive until Halloween.

But I bought her and her friend a pair of wax fangs as a back up plan.

They were genuinely surprised that the wax fangs didn’t taste good. And I wasn’t genuinely surprised that I found wax fang remnants on my coffee table the next morning.

We had a fun Halloween. Nothing special, just the usual handing out candy and trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. I counted at least 463 Elsas before Let It Go became imbedded in my subconscious yet again.

After we handed out candy for a while, P and I followed Caroline and her friend as they made their way to all the houses on our street. Then we came to a house with a big poster board sign declaring it had a “Haunted House” and so I told P, “Go with the girls into this Haunted House! It will be fun!”

My reasons for this were two-fold:

1. I figured it was a homemade haunted house in someone’s garage. How scary could it be?

2. I can barely walk into Party City during Halloween season and cannot tolerate any type of haunted house, no matter how lame it may be, so it made sense to send P in with them.

As it turns out, it was a little more intense than what I envisioned. I thought it was going to be one of those things where you put your hand in a shoebox and think you’re feeling brains or intestines or something. Perhaps there would be a scary witch in the corner in a rocking chair. Maybe, MAYBE, a freaky clown. I guess my assumptions were based on the fact that I’m a child of the 70’s and that’s about as scary as it came in my childhood. Or at least as scary as I was allowed to see given that the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz flat freaked me out.

But I could tell by the way the girls were hanging on to P’s arm as they came walking out of the haunted house that this had been a little more serious. Apparently there was a chainsaw. And Michael Myers. And someone dressed as a girl from some horror movie that I obviously never saw. And maybe someone rolled what looked like a human head at them as they left.

Please let me know if you’d like to see a photo of my trophy for Mother of the Year.

The good news is they only seemed to be temporarily traumatized and then began to build it into the greatest adventure of their young lives as we made our way to the other houses on the street. Meanwhile, I was mentally composing a text apology to Caroline’s friend’s mother.

By the time we made it back to our house about forty-five minutes later, they declared the whole night a huge success as they sorted all their candy on the living room floor and were telling and re-telling about all the excitement of the haunted house. P even took Caroline down to the house again after her friend left because they wanted to get the story of how they made such a great haunted house out of what appeared to be an ordinary garage.

Thankfully, her friend went home with glowing reviews of the whole night and reported she “LOVED” the haunted house and so my apology was met with a gracious, “Are you kidding? She loved it!” I guess I was projecting my own haunted house issues onto the situation.

But my favorite part was later that night as Caroline, P and I sat on the couch while she breathlessly replayed every single detail of the haunted house adventure and finished with, “And I felt so bad for R because she wanted to run but couldn’t because of her giant shoes!”

You can see where they might be problematic if you find yourself needing to make a fast getaway.

First of all, thank you for all the dress suggestions yesterday. I’ll keep you posted on my dress finding progress as the situation unfolds.

Secondly, I saw an article on Twitter yesterday announcing that Lynda Carter of Wonder Woman fame is coming to San Antonio soon. The headline read “The Real Wonder Woman Headed to San Antonio!”

But what that journalist didn’t know is the real Wonder Woman is already in San Antonio.

There’s the picture of Gulley as Wonder Woman that you wanted to see.

You’re welcome.

Here are a few things I found this week:

1. dance the night away sequin dress

I think this would be great for the Christmas season. I’m a big fan of sequins and the holidays.

2. happy trails cocoon cardigan

I really like this. Perfect with jeans for a casual occasion or black pants or skirt to dress it up for the office.

3. embrace yourself poncho

I can’t stop with the ponchos. And apparently I’m not alone because there are only nine of these left at Modcloth.

4. zigzagging across town coat

This coat. It made me swoon a little when I saw it.

5. warm and fuzzy coat

As did this one.

I want all the coats. Sadly, I live in all the heat.

6. flecks mark the spot sweater

This sweater seems a little blah until you see the back. Gives it a little something extra.

7. ecote textured open knit cardigan

All sweaters at Urban Outfitters are 25% until November 11 and this is one of my favorites. You better make haste if you see one you like though because I had two others I was going to feature today and they’re already completely sold out.

This comes in other colors, but I’m partial to this one.

8. ecote duster cardigan

This is at Urban Outfitters so it’s 25% off. And it comes in other colors.

9. vigoss gray skinny jeans

Of all the things I’ve added to my wardrobe in the last few weeks, these are my favorite. They fit like a dream and are so soft that they feel more like wearing leggings than jeans. Plus I can wear them all day long and they never get baggy at the knees.

10. gap primaloft puffer vest

I love these puffer vests from Gap. Mainly because I am a sucker for a faux fur hood.

That’s it for today.

Have a happy Halloween and just remember there is no shame in stealing candy from people you brought into this world.

You know what we never talked about?

That I went to just about every store I could think of last week looking for a dress and walked away empty handed. I finally came to the conclusion that I’ve aged out of the dress market after I tried on yet another garment that was short enough that it left me wondering if it was a dress or a shirt.

The truth is I haven’t shopped for a dress in a long time because my life really doesn’t require dresses anymore. Back when I was a pharmaceutical sales rep I had an array of sensible daytime dresses, but now I mainly have a stockpile of yoga pants and leggings. In fact, the last time I cleaned out my closet I noticed I am down to two dresses total and neither of them are necessarily just a nice, classic daytime dress. Which is why I decided I was going to embark on a dress-finding excursion.

Columbus discovered America. I had big dreams of discovering a fabulous yet comfortable and practical dress.

But, much like being able to get the puppies to listen to me, this dream has proven to be elusive.

Feel free to offer any suggestions. Here are my requirements: It must be reasonably priced, it can’t be sleeveless or cap-sleeved, it can’t be mistaken for a shirt, and it can’t have elastic around the waist.

May God be with you.

I really don’t have anything to tell you today except that I made chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and cream gravy for dinner and I fell in love with my own self it was so good. I would have taken a picture except we were too busy eating.

But here’s something exciting, there’s a giveaway today and a quick reminder about the photo contest I have going on.

1. The sweet girls at The Canvas Boutique wanted to do another giveaway. In addition to their fabulous canvases, they also do personalized paper prints. You can see the whole collection here.

They are giving away FOUR 18×24 Holiday paper prints. The winners will be able to select the Holiday print of their choice.

Look how cute some of the options are.

They’re also offering $15 off all of their Holiday paper print sizes from October 28 until November 4th. They come in sizes ranging from 16×20 to 24×36 and they are all so cute. Plus, custom canvases are currently 15% off with code SHIPLASTCHANCE at checkout.

For a chance to win one of the four holiday prints, just leave a comment on this post. I’ll leave comments open until this Sunday, November 2 and then choose four winners at random.

2. I cannot even tell you how much fun I’ve had looking through all the pictures and reading all the stories you have sent in for the Nobody’s Cuter Than You book trailer and promos.

If you haven’t sent in your entry yet, you still have until this Friday, October 31st! And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you can read all the details here.

That’s it for today. Have a lovely Wednesday.

It’s 9:48 p.m.

And I just finished listening to Caroline practice the flute.

This is exactly what I want to be doing at 9:48 p.m. after a long day.

But she came home after soccer practice and was suddenly worried about her lack of skill as a flutist because there’s some sort of test tomorrow and she realized she doesn’t really know how to read music. She didn’t really appreciate my suggestion that maybe this was related to the fact she never practices.

I did my best to give her a quick overview of the musical scale but it’s safe to say she isn’t going to be the next Sir James Galway.

(I have no idea who he is. I just googled “Famous Flute Players” and found an article that stated everyone would have Sir James Galway on their list.)

(And by everyone I guess they mean no one I know.)

(Who are these people making lists of famous flutists?)

(And are any of them interested in coming to my house and teaching my daughter how to read music?)

All that to say, even without the impromptu bedtime flute lesson, it’s been a long day.

On Sunday afternoon I drove to Houston with Bops and Caroline because I was speaking at a church in Katy on Monday morning. Bops offered to go with me because I mentioned I was kind of afraid to stay by myself in their house in Houston and Caroline ended up getting to tag along after she begged and pleaded and said it would basically make her life richer and better to spend twenty-four hours in Houston with her mother and grandfather. What else was she going to do with that time? We know it’s not practicing the flute.

So I agreed because it seemed like a great chance for us to all spend quality time together and make precious memories. And that’s what we did. We went to our favorite Italian restaurant and watched some T.V. and then we all got ready to head to bed. Which is when Bops announced he was just going to sleep on the couch because he didn’t want to have to make up his bed in the morning. It seems he would rather get a mediocre night’s sleep on a couch as opposed to having to mess with decorative pillows.

Of course I don’t even begin to understand this logic, but I am married to a man who spent the better part of his high school years sleeping in a sleeping bag on top of his covers because he didn’t want to make his bed in the morning. Maybe that’s why he married me. So he’d have someone to make his bed.

Anyway, we woke up Monday morning and Bops and Caroline dropped me off at the church and headed to go eat breakfast until it was time to pick me up. I spoke to the sweetest group of women and they even presented me with a gift bag after it was over that included a package of Mrs. Baird’s cinnamon rolls, a gift certificate to Taco Bell and Chick-Fil-A and a one pound bag of M&M’s.

Sure. To the casual observer that seems like a random assortment of gifts until you realize those are all things I mention in my books. Just like Hemingway did.

And to my delight, they even included this t-shirt from my old high school. I think it’s going to be my new favorite.

After I finished my talk and visited with you a few people, I gathered up all my things and headed to the parking lot to meet my dad and Caroline. They’d had a nice breakfast together and had also made a purchase that essentially sums up the difference between being a parent and a grandparent.

(I realize you all wanted pics of Gulley as Wonder Woman on yesterday’s post and there were none. Now I give you this latex hand. I promise I’ll post a pic of Gulley in her costume when I get one.)

I don’t even know what horrors this hand is supposed to have endured.

All I know is my dad would have never spent his hard earned money on a fake bloody rubber hand when I was a kid. I mean, that’s $8.64 that could be invested in a sensible mutual fund.

But for Caroline? He was all in on the horrible hand.

Which I guess is a grandfather’s prerogative.

I just wish she’d spent the car ride home resting that disgusting, bloody hand on his shoulder instead of mine.

This one thing will speak volumes about my weekend.

I was in bed at 9:45 p.m. on Friday night.

I know. This fast pace is going to kill me.

The truth is we all went out to eat Mexican food for Bops’s birthday on Friday night and then called it a night early because Caroline had a soccer game at eight on Saturday morning. Which meant we had to be out at the soccer fields forty minutes before game time. And the soccer fields are about thirty minutes away from our house. For those of you doing the math at home, this means we had to be up at an hour that is way too early for a Saturday.

I brought my coffee and did my best to pretend I was awake but at some point my dad tried to call me on my cell phone and I just hummed along to the tune until P asked, “Are you going to answer that?” And I realized I wasn’t just hearing a song in my head. Sometimes it’s hard not being a morning person.

But the nice thing about an early morning soccer game is that you have the rest of your Saturday free. And I also found it to be a nice emotional break that the Aggies weren’t playing, even though I’ve claimed to be less emotionally invested. I still know myself well enough to know that I won’t be able to help with the hand wringing and the pacing and the fretting once they play again. So it was nice to have a Saturday when I had no real emotional football investment, although I was happy for LSU. I know I say that Les Miles is Lord Voldemort in a purple windbreaker, but he is a very endearing Lord Voldemort and, when I realized he’d just lost his mom the night before the game, I was all in for an LSU victory. When he was interviewed after the game and did his rambly thing about the stadium and the fans and ended with a sweet “Martha Miles” it just about did me in.

Anyway, that was a nice moment but it wasn’t the highlight of my weekend. That moment came on Saturday afternoon. Gulley and I had made plans to spend the whole day together with the kids because our husbands were going hunting. And so after Caroline’s soccer game, we made a stop for breakfast tacos and then made our way to Gulley’s house. The goal for the day was to make Gulley a tutu. A tutu? Yes, I said a tutu. She’s going to be Wonder Woman for Halloween, but she teaches preschool and felt a tutu version of a Wonder Woman costume is probably more appropriate than the Lynda Carter version which, let’s be honest, is essentially a very patriotic swimsuit.

So our first order of business was to go to Joann’s Fabrics. What we didn’t factor in was that whole free world was going to be getting their craft on this Saturday and the place was packed. I had no idea that many people still sewed and crafted. I thought that’s what Etsy is for. But there is a huge fabric contingent out there and I can only blame Pinterest and all the delusions it creates. Fortunately, we only needed eight yards of royal blue tulle and there was a separate line for amateurs who only needed one cut. Apparently “one cut” is what you call it when you only have one bolt of fabric. I don’t mean to dazzle you with my fabric store acumen.

(I also need to tell you now this isn’t my first rodeo putting together a Wonder Woman costume because Caroline was Wonder Woman when she was five and it required me to spray paint some boots red.)

We knew exactly what we needed because I took some time that morning to watch a video on how to make an adult tutu because that’s a real topic that someone took the time to explain. God bless the internet. So we made it back to Gulley’s house with tulle, elastic, safety pins, white sparkly felt and hot glue sticks and went to work. This is exactly the kind of task that awakens every compulsive impulse I have and I was determined to make the most perfect tutu ever.

After a couple of hours (We took a break to make chocolate chip cookies. Actually, Gulley made the cookies and I just ate the dough by the spoonful.) we were putting the final touches on the tutu, including gluing on some white sparkly stars. This required hot glue and explains why I have what I believe to be at least a second degree burn on my first finger. Apparently, it’s a bad idea to use an appendage to help adhere felt to tulle because tulle is porous and the hot glue will end up on your finger and cause you to hop around and yell profanities. Which is behavior I thought I was going to avoid this Saturday since the Aggies weren’t playing.

I realize that none of this sounds like the makings of a high point of the weekend but, wait, there’s more. The kids were milling around the living room and driving us crazy so we sent them outside to burn off some energy. And then we finished Gulley’s costume and she decided to go try the whole thing on so we could see how it all came together. She came out of the bedroom in full Wonder Woman regalia including the golden lasso of truth and we oohed and aahhed over our skills until I suddenly saw her face completely change as she looked out through the sliding glass doors into the backyard.

I followed her gaze and quickly saw what she was looking at. Our three kids. Covered in mud. Those fools had turned on the hose and made a mud pile and were taking turns running through it. Do you know how many times over the years we’ve sent them out in the backyard and told them not to turn on the hose and play in the mud? Too many to count. That’s the answer. Too many to count. It has been one of our standard mantras ever since they were five, four and two and we found them wallowing like a family of pigs in a mud pile they created when we turned our heads for thirty seconds.

But at some point in the last year or so, we quit telling them that. Because we believed (wrongly) that it wasn’t really a concern now that they’re twelve, eleven and nine. Oh but we were wrong. It’s like they were waiting for the day they could legitimately claim, “But you didn’t tell us not to!”

And that’s how Wonder Woman ended up yelling at three muddy kids late Saturday afternoon while I watched through the glass door, thoroughly tickled by the whole scene.

It’s just lucky for them that she doesn’t actually know how to use that lasso of truth.

Maybe the real wonder of Wonder Woman was to wonder why her kids thought making a mud pit in the backyard was a good idea.