So yesterday morning started off like all my other mornings this week. Which is to say, UGLY.
I rolled out of bed, fixed Caroline’s breakfast and packed her lunch. In the meantime, she proved that she has 50% of my DNA because she looked out the windows, noticed it was raining and pumped her fist as she exclaimed, “YES! I get to wear my Hunter rain boots today!”
And I had to laugh because I’d just thought the same exact thing. There are some things that are just innate.
P drove her to school and I settled in on my spot on the couch to drink my coffee and catch up on the morning news.
And that’s when I discovered that America is on the verge of a Velveeta shortage. Well, this sent me reeling and so I tweeted that between the helium shortage and the Velveeta shortage, I’m not sure what this means for the parties of the future.
Then someone responded and asked if I knew there is also an impending global wine shortage.
And shortly thereafter, ESPN began reporting that Johnny Manziel was officially leaving Texas A&M for the NFL.
So let me get this straight.
No Velveeta, no wine, and no Johnny Manziel at Texas A&M.
What kind of fresh hell is this, 2014?
It’s never been more clear that we are living in the end times.
And so I did the only thing that could be done. Laid down on the couch and took a short nap that was either the result of mild depression or the lingering effects of the cold medicine I took the night before.
But I awoke to fresh perspective on all these matters.
1. Velveeta
The good news is I have a tendency to stockpile Velveeta because, well, queso. And so a quick survey of my cupboards revealed this.
That’s a good starting point. And please note that it’s the 2% version because we are looking for the healthiest way to eat cheese that is made in a factory and may or may not really even be a real dairy product.
2. Wine
I got online and did a little research because I am like a scientist. I discovered that the global wine shortage that everyone feared isn’t going to necessarily happen thanks to Italy, Spain, France and Chile who all produced record wine crops this year.
However, the Burgundy harvest and Bordeaux harvest this year have been abysmal. So if you’re looking for a 2013 Burgundy or some parts of France, they’re going to be harder to find and expensive.
This is where my refined Velveeta-loving taste pays off. I’ve been known to buy wine at my neighborhood CVS store with a label that just reads RED WINE so chances are good I’m not going to struggle without access to a 2013 Burgundy from France.
3. Johnny Manziel
This one isn’t as easy to work out as Velveeta and wine. But I absolutely loved this piece about him and what he has meant to Texas A&M written by Billy Liucci on Texags.
As much as I’ll miss watching him play on Kyle Field in an A&M jersey, I’m equally thankful for all that he did for the school I love so much. And I’ll be cheering for him in the NFL even though I’m really hoping that won’t involve the Cleveland Browns.
(No offense if you’re a Cleveland Brown fan. It would just feel a lot more natural to cheer for the Texans each week. And I have no idea what a Brown is.)
After all my research and Velveeta assurances, I found the strength to go on and so I headed to Target. Because where else would you go after willing yourself towards a wellspring of hope and optimism in the midst of potential hard times?
And it was while I was at Target that I made a big decision about 2014. Maybe it’s because I stared down the barrel of a world without Velveeta and wine and lived to tell about it or maybe it’s because I almost double-booked myself for two different commitments in February but, whatever the case, I decided I needed to go back to a paper calendar.
(It could have been because Target has some really cute paper calendars for only $9.99)
(Also, I already broke this news to Gulley on the phone yesterday afternoon because me switching to a paper calendar and her finding out about it on the blog is one of those things that will cause her to call me and say, “Well, I had no idea you were switching to a paper calendar. I feel so out of touch.” We call this the “pajama pants syndrome”. As in, I need to know if you buy a new pair of pajama pants before you just show up in them.)
Anyway, I tried to go completely digital with my calendar in 2013 and it worked out okay. As far as I know I didn’t miss any major events or commitments. However, the geniuses at Apple messed up the iPhone calendar in my opinion and now it just isn’t as user friendly. Plus there are times I’m on my phone and someone is asking me about dates and I have to scribble them down and then double-check on my phone later.
I couldn’t continue to live that way. Especially if there’s a chance I won’t even have wine or Velveeta to get me through the rough spots.
One time I read that when you feel like there are things happening in your life that are outside your control that you just resort to trying to have as much control as you can over what you can. And so maybe that’s why in the midst of these uncertain times, I need to go back to the simple pleasure of writing down all my appointments and commitments.
In pen.