Christmas joy brought to you by Duracell

Wow.

Where do I even begin to recap all the Christmas festivities? So much has happened in the last few days and yet I think you will find approximately ZERO of it interesting in the least. I will confess, in spite of multiple trips to various retail establishments that sell Secret Flawless Invisible Solid with a delightful tropical smell, that I am still using P’s Degree COOL SPORT for men because I have developed some type of hygiene block when it comes to purchasing new deodorant. My mom even gave me a gift certificate to Sephora for Christmas, which means I could go buy some fancy deodorant made out of ground-up fairies wings if I were so inclined. And yet I continue to smell like a COOL SPORT.

Caroline and I spent most of Christmas Eve just like this. Even though this picture doesn’t even begin to accurately depict the mess that was my kitchen.

I decided to wait until Christmas Eve morning to roll out all my cinnamon roll dough because I wanted the rolls to be fresh for Christmas morning. (Yes, I consider “fresh” to be anything less than 24 hours old. Whatever.) The problem was that I failed to really think through my baking agenda (How self-righteous does that sound? A baking agenda?) and forgot that I also needed to make another batch of toffee and a pecan pie, in addition to baking fourteen pans of cinnamon rolls and putting together a breakfast casserole for the next morning. You know what else I needed? A shower before the Christmas Eve service at our church that started at 4:00.

Which meant we left our house at 3:00 because P was struggling with some Christmas Eve traffic paranoia.

And found us sitting all alone in the sanctuary for fifty minutes before the service actually began.

We left church and went straight to Mimi and Bops’ house to eat tamales and open presents. Caroline read The Christmas Story to all of us and my heart melted into a big puddle of figgy pudding.

And by, The Christmas Story, I mean the one about Jesus being born in a manger, not the one about Ralphie getting his eye shot out.

Just wanted to be clear.

Then it was time to open presents and it was hard to tell if Caroline was excited about the bike Mimi and Bops bought for her.

On a total side note that has nothing to do with anything, AJ was in town over Christmas and told me that I really needed to get a new camera. After looking at my Christmas pictures, I’m not sure the problem is with the equipment as much as it is the operator. Wouldn’t it have been a kick to actually get my dad’s head in that last picture?

We came back home and I made Caroline pose in front of the Christmas tree because we were so rushed getting out the door an HOUR EARLY for church that I forgot to take one before we left.

She opened up a new Christmas nightgown, set out some toffee for Santa and reindeer food for the reindeer, and went straight to bed. I waited about an hour to make sure she was really out for the night and then told Santa it was okay to get to work.

That’s when Santa discovered that the Chinese elves didn’t feel the need to include instructions in the Zhu Zhu Fun House or the Zhu Zhu Garage and Hamster Mobile. And you know what makes Santa feel panicky and angry and maybe like he (or she) needs a glass of extra-strong eggnog?

Being surrounded by cheap plastic parts that give no indication of how they are supposed to be put together.

If the whole thing was – as I most definitely suspect and have come up with all sorts of conspiracy theories to prove I am right – some sort of plot to determine the intelligence of the average American citizen, then I failed miserably. Of course something tells me I already failed that test when I paid more than retail price in a desperate attempt to secure a fake rat for my child.

The packaging just sat there and taunted me with its scary depiction of a clawed hamster until P finally helped me figure out how to get the whole thing assembled. I’m embarrassed to say it wasn’t really that hard.

Caroline woke up Christmas morning and walked in to see what Santa had left. It’s always surprised me that she doesn’t get overly animated about Santa considering how over the top she is in her reactions to almost everything else. For instance, we drove by Hollywood Video yesterday and she noticed it was permanently closed down and began to cry because IT WAS HER FAVORITE PLACE EVER. EVER!!!

Yet Christmas morning she just casually strolls out and kind of looks around. An array of Santa toys obviously can’t compare to the aisles of movies available at Hollywood Video.

She saw her new houseshoes and said, “Oh Mama, look! Santa must have stopped at Gap on his way into town!”

Of course he did. Who can resist all those signs in the window declaring up to 70% off already reduced merchandise? Santa is no fool.

And may have even bought a new sweater for his or her self.

Then Caroline finally noticed her Zhu Zhu Pet.

She let the Zhu Zhu, who is currently being called Ella as opposed to Chunk, go for a little spin in the hamster mobile.

I walked out of the bathroom and nearly tripped over a white rat driving a blue car. That hasn’t happened since I was in college.

We ate some homemade cinnamon rolls and breakfast casserole before we opened the rest of the presents. Caroline got a Fur Real Friend from my mom and was so excited about it.

She named her Pearl.

(Pearl arrived via Amazon and still needed to be gift wrapped. I cannot tell you how many years it took off my life when I went to wrap Pearl and she MEOWED at me. It was like I was trying to wrap one of the devil’s minions.)

I started to get a complex about my poor child getting all manner of battery-operated pets for Christmas. Will there come a day when she’ll sit around with her friends while they all tell stories of the Christmas they got a brand new puppy? And she’ll say, “I remember the Christmas I received a fake hamster and a fake cat! That was the best Christmas ever. My mom didn’t have to worry about cedar chips or a litter box!”

Although, in all fairness, Santa did bring her a real fish for Christmas several years ago. Which is almost like a puppy but without all the warmth and the cuddling.

I guess for now I’ll console myself with the fact that she seemed pretty satisfied with her battery-powered menagerie.

Look at P in the background. Putting together that Zhu Zhu Pet Funhouse without directions wiped him out.

Or maybe it was just a cinnamon roll coma.

Or the eggnog.

Or some combination therein.

Hope y’alls was merry.

Oh and don’t forget to enter the Hersheys $100 Gift Card Giveaway by clicking over here and leaving a comment if you haven’t already. You have until New Year’s Eve.

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