I haven’t mentioned this yet, but P is having back surgery tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m. I’m not sure why I haven’t written about it, especially seeing as how it has been foremost in my mind and heart. I think sometimes it’s hard for me to write about the things that are really affecting me in the moment that they are actually affecting me. In fact, when I look back over old posts, I realize I tend to write about struggles or hard times after they have been tied up in a neat little bow and I can add a scripture at the bottom for extra impact.
But this isn’t like that.
This will be P’s third back surgery in four years. In the whole scheme of things, it’s a pretty minor thing. He has a herniated disc that keeps re-herniating, which means it keeps needing to be lasered off. The “laser” (anyone else picturing Mike Meyers as Dr. Evil right now?) is minimally invasive and most likely, we’ll be home by 3:00 tomorrow afternoon and P will be up walking around. The next 6 weeks will involve lots of walking, and rehab, and absolutely no bending, twisting or picking up anything even remotely heavy. However, he’ll still have to go under general anesthesia and I will sit by his side as they fill his IV full of liquid margaritas, and then I’ll be back by his side as he wakes up from the whole process. I’ve become an old pro at this point.
Funny story, when we were first married, P had to go in for surgery for a deviated septum and when the doctor guided me into the recovery room, I took one look at P and started crying my eyes out. He looked like he’d been hit by a bus and I just knew his nose would never look the same again. Oh yes, I was a rock. A soothing, calming Florence Nightingale.
10 years and 4 surgeries later, I’ve had lots of recovery room practice. I no longer cry in the recovery room, and I know the process for recovery, and bandages, and robotic arms that he can use to pick stuff up off the floor.
The thing I’m struggling with this time is deeper than any of that stuff. From the time he started talking about his back pain, which was back in June, I have been desperately treading water in a sea of worry and insecurity. Things look different this time than they have in the past. I no longer have my sweet pharmaceutical job with a nice income and outstanding insurance. He is our sole provider and his job requires manual labor. Our insurance is decent, but I gambled with a fairly high deductible in return for lower monthly payments.
And I lost.
I’ve been concerned about whether or not insurance would even pay for it because it’s a pre-existing condition and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t pictured scenarios that involve us selling off all our possessions to pay the medical bills. In fact, at one point last week it got so bad that Gulley told me I needed to spend some time venting all my frustrations and concerns about this to God, because I was just pushing all those fears down and repeating my mantra of “It’s okay, it will all be okay, it’s okay”, when I didn’t really believe it was okay and couldn’t really get the words out of my mouth without crying.
I came home and spent some time confronting all my real fears, my real feelings, my real doubts. Things like why won’t God just heal P’s back, and why did this happen at this moment during this time of financial change for our family. I was mad and I was scared. But as I sat with my Bible in my hand, I turned to Psalm 118 and my eyes went to verses 6-8. “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me. He is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man”.
And I realized those verses are God’s promise to me. He will fight for us. He will protect us. He will go before us and fight these battles. He is more powerful than the insurance companies. He is more powerful than the almighty dollar. He is more powerful than any man, even me and my need to control everything.
We’ve since found out that insurance will cover the procedure, and yes, we’ll have to pay the deductible plus 20% of the remainder of the cost up to a certain amount, but that’s okay. We have the money and, while it would be more fun to use it to spend a week in the Bahamas, it is probably more prudent to go ahead and use it to ensure P’s spinal future.
Last night after the movie, we came home and talked for a long time. P knows me and he knows this fear, doubt and worry are my thing, the place I run to and tend to let myself become mired down in. He asked me why I worry when God has always been so faithful to our family. And that’s a good question. He has been more than faithful to our family. To quote Psalms again “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.” We have been more than blessed throughout our 10 years of marriage. And I’m not saying that like some Christian cliche’. We have truly, absolutely been blessed above and beyond.
Yet, still I struggle. Still I look for security in what’s written on a paycheck, the balance in a money market account, or what I view as my ability to take care of everything (which is sad because my ability basically consists of wringing my hands in worry and bouts of insomnia). Those things are nice, but none of them should be the source of my security. My security needs to lie in God’s provision. As Matthew 6: 26 -27 says, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”
P and I are valued high above the sparrows. My prayer is that this reality will sink into my soul, into my heart, and the next time we face a challenge that feels so huge, I will turn to God as the sole source of my security.
So, that’s my struggle. That’s what is on my heart. This is me letting all my non-funny neuroses hang out all over the blog. But if I’m not honest, then what am I?
I’d appreciate y’alls prayers for P as he goes under the “laser” tomorrow morning. Pray for sure and steady surgeon’s hands, speedy recovery and that this would be the surgery that finally takes care of the problem once and for all.
Y’all are the best.
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him. Lamentations 3 : 25
(This is the verse on my Bible promise thing today. Coincidence? I think not.)