As REO Speedwagon sang, “I can’t fight this eating any longer” or feeling or whatever

Many of y’all have requested that I post a picture of myself and my new bangs. This is problematic for several reasons.

1. I haven’t washed my hair since Saturday.
2. I haven’t put on makeup in the last 36 hours.
3. My eyebrows need to be plucked.
4. I’m in the midst of a hormonal breakout.

And if you think I’m going to take a picture of myself with those four elements in play then, Hi. My name is Melanie. This is my blog. You must be new here. Welcome.

I realize I have recently posted all manner of horrendous 80’s pictures complete with bangs that defied all levels of gravity and hair that had been doused in enough perm solution to fry it for decades to come, however, recent pictures are a whole other story. I don’t like pictures of myself, which is part of the reason I had a child so that I have someone else to take pictures of. Therefore, before I can take a picture of myself with bangs, I must have as many things working in my favor as possible.

Right now I’m not sure if I’ll be putting on makeup tomorrow, but if I do, I’ll take a picture of the bangs. It’s a lot of pressure for the bangs. Like a coming out party. I’d hate for them to not be on their best behavior.

In other news, I cannot quit eating. I know that I’ve said before that I’ve made an entire bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough to eat for dinner, but this is different.

I knew I was in trouble last night when I was washing my face and thinking about how good a Swiss Cake Roll would taste. That Little Debbie can make a mean snack cake. I can’t even remember the last time I had a Swiss Cake Roll, but I’m betting that sometime in college is a good guess.

I’m also betting that Swiss Cake Rolls are not comprised of any substances found in nature. Well, except for maybe the cream filling because that’s dairy. Dairy that has been whipped into a sugar-filled frenzy of fat and synthetic oil products.

Then, last night while I was on the computer, I started thinking about Morton’s Donuts. Remember the little frozen donuts heavy laden with sugar that came in a brown box? And you could heat them in the oven (because what is this thing called a microwave?) for about 8-10 minutes? And remember that Morton’s also made a honeybun that was essentially Satan’s way of keeping a person enslaved in gluttony?

In fact, my little sister loved those Morton’s Honeybuns with such fervor that she would scream and cry because she couldn’t eat them frozen right out of the packaging. So strong was her addiction that she found it nearly impossible to wait 10 minutes for it to heat up. Of course she was only 2 1/2, so she screamed and cried over a lot of things, but Morton’s Honeybuns were at the top of the list.

But woe to our world. Morton’s frozen baked goods no longer exist.

And last night, I would have paid ONE MILLION American dollars for one of those little donuts. If I had one million American dollars.

Sadly, while I am in this season of wanting to eat nothing but foods that are non-organic and totally processed with additives and preservatives, I had to go grocery shopping. If I had walked away from my cart and someone had looked through its contents, they would have thought it belonged to some college boy shopping for his fraternity house. Except that it didn’t contain multiple cases of Bud Light or even a pony keg.

Let’s take a look at a few things I purchased.

Delightful, nacho cheese goodness.

When I was in high school, I used to put melted Cheez Whiz on top of the Nacho Cheese Doritos for a light, healthy after school snack. Fortunately for my arteries and my hips I refrained from doing that today, but the fact that the memory came to mind means I thought about it.

Technically, I bought these because Caroline wanted them. And I only ate two or five when she insisted we open them in HEB.

Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

And last, but not least. The Ding Dong.

The sad part is for some reason I felt like it was a moral victory to buy the Ding Dongs instead of the Swiss Cake Rolls. I’m not sure how that seemed to make complete sense in Aisle 2 at HEB, but it did. Like Robert Frost wrote, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one wrapped in individual pieces of foil”.

Except what neither Robert Frost or I knew was that apparently Ding Dongs have gone P.C. and are no longer wrapped in foil. Which, honestly, kind of took away from the whole experience.

Not to mention the taste of synthetic chocolate in my mouth.

Sadly, it wasn’t enough to make me lose my appetite. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if anything will.

Maybe some Doritos covered in Cheez Whiz.

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