Big Mama

the big mama blog

You are here: Home / Other / Get off my lawn (unless you’re a squirrel)

Get off my lawn (unless you’re a squirrel)

·

I woke up Friday morning and immediately knew that I wasn’t feeling better. Mainly because my throat was on fire with the intensity of a thousand suns.

As I walked into the kitchen, P asked me if I felt any better. I told him no and he said, “Then you need to go to the doctor.” Because, essentially, if I’m going to continue to complain about not feeling well, I need a note from a physician.

I really didn’t want to go to the doctor because I hate waiting in waiting rooms that are just giant petri dishes full of germ cocktails and so I decided I’d wait to see how I felt later in the day. Plus I was already scheduled to speak to a MOPs group in town and knew I was going to power through because I didn’t want to call in sick at the last minute.

It was while I was speaking to the MOPs group that I knew without a doubt I needed to go see a doctor because I don’t mean to be overly dramatic, but I was clearly about to die. And so I left MOPs and drove straight to the neighborhood medical clinic where I was overjoyed to see there was only one person in line in front of me.

Five minutes later, a doctor was looking at my throat and declared that I most definitely had strep. And then my throat burst into flames and I passed out cold. Not really. But I felt like that scenario could play out at any time.

I dropped off my prescriptions at the pharmacy and headed home to get in my pajamas. Caroline was already scheduled to go home with a friend after school, P was at the ranch for the evening and Gulley offered to pick up my medicine for me so I wouldn’t have to leave the house again. And so I did the only thing a person can really do when they feel terrible and are in pajamas by 2 p.m., I watched so many old episodes of Friday Night Lights that I began to wonder if Smash Williams made it to the NFL.

By the time Caroline and P got home later that night, I was fully concerned about Coach and Tami Taylor in Philadephia and how that whole thing is working out and decided it was perhaps time to both check back into reality and go to bed.

On Saturday morning I woke up and thought for a while that I felt a lot better. We went to Caroline’s basketball game, but by the time we got home my throat had really started to hurt again. So we spent the rest of the day just hanging out. Caroline and I watched The Mask of Zorro later that evening and I could tell that my congestion was dropping into my chest. Mainly because I started to hack and talk in the unmistakable voice of Hazel.

(In case you’re new here, Hazel is an eighty-something year old woman who lives inside me and comes out about twice a year when I have a bad cold and cough and wheeze and speak in a voice about fourteen octaves lower than usual.)

(It’s very attractive.)

Fortunately, the doctor had given me a prescription for cough medicine the day before. It was a different brand of cough medicine than I usually get (Yes, I have a preferred brand of cough syrup. I was a drug rep for eleven years and, thus, am a pharmaceutical snob.) but it appeared to have the same ingredients so I went with it.

I took the prescribed one teaspoon right before bed and then curled up and waited for cough relief and sleep to come. I felt myself start to drift off and then, all of a sudden, my brain decided to be wide awake. And by wide awake, I mean I was averaging about 478 thoughts per second. Yet I was relaxed enough that I didn’t really care.

I even grabbed my iPhone and began typing in notes about possible writing topics and various memories that came to mind. At one point I concocted an idea for an entire series of children’s books featuring a squirrel named Sitka who has a peanut allergy and decides to take up fishing and makes himself a teeny tiny fishing pole.

This is disturbing for two reasons:

1. Squirrels, to the best of my knowledge, aren’t carnivorous. And if they decide to be, we might be in trouble because there are a lot of them roaming our neighborhoods.

2. I was obviously having some sort of adverse reaction to the cough medicine.

I can confirm the second thing to be true because when I looked at my iPhone notes on Sunday morning, they essentially looked like this:

Assumption. Sitka. Peanuts.
Trees. Reading. Tears for Fears.
And alkdgjiaojstl bjsljf oasdfol.

Please let me know if you can make sense of any of this.

When I woke up on Sunday morning after barely sleeping for all the entirely lucid note-taking I was doing throughout the night, I immediately googled the name of my cough medicine because I felt that something was amiss. Sure enough, it turns out that it contains pseudoephedrine which is Sudafed.

Here’s what you need to know. I am highly sensitive to Sudafed. Like the package says you can take 2-4 at a time. You know how many I can take? One. And even then I have to take it early in the day or it will keep me up for three days.

So essentially that new cough medicine was like some sort of speed cocktail with a side of crazy because it also contained an antihistamine and hydrocodone. Which explains why I was very busy taking all the notes and thinking all the thoughts, but at the same time very tranquil about the whole thing. Like if someone had asked me how I was doing I would have replied, “I’m goooooooooood”. And drawing out the word “good” like that is a sure sign you probably aren’t.

Needless to say, I’ll be calling the doctor tomorrow to get a new prescription and, in the meantime, I am sounding more like Hazel by the minute. Which is probably why I have a strong urge to go sit on my front porch and yell at people to get off my lawn.

Unless, perhaps, it’s a poor squirrel named Sitka who’s allergic to peanuts and just looking for a place to fish.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014

Reader Interactions

Similar Stories

Comments

  3. When my husband has strange dreams, Darius Rucker is usually the star. I’d rather have the ex-blowfish over the squirrel!

  4. Hilarious! Strep is a whole bunch of no fun, but it is amazing the first moment you swallow and realize it doesn’t hurt anymore, then swallow a few more times just to be sure it’s real, and to enjoy how it feels to swallow with no pain. So sorry you had an adverse reaction to the cough syrup. Every time I read your blog, I think I need to tell my funniest friend to read it because she would love it. I think I will do that today! I hope you will feel better today!

  6. While I’m giggling about the fishing squirrel and totally understanding you about Sudafed… I’m really praying for you to feel better soon!!!

  7. So sorry you are sick but I kinda want to hear how Sitka’s story plays out in the squirrel world. Is he accepted even with his allergy? Does he teach the other squirrels to fish? Does he become the poster squirrel for alternative eating and tolerance? I’m curious.

  9. We have plenty of Sitka’s for you! I’ll be glad to share a few…these aren’t allergic to peanuts…just a 9 month old golden retriever!!! Hope you lose Hazel real soon…why don’t you leave her at the dr.s office!

  10. I feel your pain. When I was pregnant with my first child, I had a kidney stone at about 6 months. My blood pressure was going through the roof and they gave me a shot of Demerol to take the edge off. When my husband walked in and I told him Russian spies were trying to steal my baby. After having my wisdom teeth removed, the brought me back to my husband and I said he was an impostor. My husband thinks it’s all hilarious! I hope the squirrels stay away until you get better. 🙂

  11. Call me crazy, but I think you’re onto something with Sitka the Squirrel. I’d read a book about a squirrel with a peanut allergy. It’s funny! Hope you feel better.

  13. I hope you feel better soon! I just finished reading your new book. It was so good. I seriously have not laughed out loud that much in a long time. The chapter about you and P shopping for jeans was one of my favorite s because it is SO familiar. I even made my husband come and sit while I read it out loud to him. Also the story of the rat throwing toast at you had me in stitches. Thank you for the wonderful insights on marriage and especially for the laughs!

  14. “Because, essentially, if I’m going to continue to complain about not feeling well, I need a note from a physician.” I laughed out loud when I read this because if my husband is sick and feels the need to complain over and over then clearly he needs to see a doctor or at least take some Tylenol for the pain! Oy! Mercy is not my spiritual gift:)

  15. Just a thought. Maybe next time you will think twice about going to a MOPS meeting when you feel bad. I am sure that they are greatful that you exposed them all to strep.

    • I had the same thought, Cindy. Better to call in sick.

      On that note, I really hope you are feeling better today, Melanie.

    • Normally I don’t post, but I completely agree with you, Cindy. As the mom of an almost 4 month old, I would be furious if my child ended up getting sick from someone who knew that they were sick and still exposed him. I feel this was irresponsible.

  16. Feel better SOON! I absolutely LOATHE being sick, so much so, I cry myself through it! LOL True story! Hazel? She’s funny! Have a great week! -Leslie

  17. You had me HOWLING with laughter! Isn’t hysterical how “smart” we think we are when under the influence of prescribed drugs. I had a similar reaction like that when a a dr put me on loritab after surgery. EVERYTHING was funny and I felt gooooooood. lol

  18. LOL!! You are too funny!! Hope you’re feeling better by now and sounding more like yourself than your alter ego!

  19. As others have said, I think you’re on to something. Setting aside the hallucinations, I think you should develop the Sitka idea. And you know, some of the greatest writers of all time wrote “under the influence.” You may be on to something… or on something… or something.

  20. Like everyone has said, love the Sitka idea! Hope you feel much better and that Hazel goes back into hibernation! Thanks for my morning giggle!

  21. I always save your blog for reading last because it is my favorite. Kind of like eating your favorite piece of candy last so you can savor it and have the yummy taste linger.

    To day did NOT disappoint! Thanks for the laugh.

    Ditto on the Sitka idea.

  22. How in the world do you write such a funny post while being so sick??? That was hilarious!

    Maybe Sitka could attack Cindy with the nasty comment. Just a suggestion:)

  23. Are you prepared for the onslaught of doctors’ bills you’ll be getting now that you just admitted you went and spoke to a MOPS group while you had strep?

    Sudafed used to wire me, too. A terrible feeling.

  25. Bless your sweet heart! I truly hope you feel better VERY soon.

    BTW: love the Sitka idea!

    And I agree with Jenny and Julie J, that wasn’t a very nice comment Cindy. She didn’t know she had strep before she spoke at MOPs.

  26. I’ve been following your blog for a very long time and even have you listed as one of my very favorite bloggers … this post is exactly why I love ya Big Mama. Hilarious … not that you were sick funny, but just hilarious!!! Thanks for making my next cold not seem so bad after all. Feel better soon 🙂

  27. Bless your heart! I hope you feel better soon. Kick Hazel to the door and let me say…a squirrel is allowed to go fishing any time in a children’s book. Write it. 🙂

  28. Get a new toothbrush and pour Lysol down all your sink drains. I had strep every year, at least twice a year, until some ENT had the sense to remove my tonsils at age 23.