So it’s been a while since I’ve written because I basically fell into a post book launch stupor and am just now beginning to emerge and function in the world like a real person. Plus, we had some excitement around here that felt like it needed to be shared in more detail than just an Instagram post.
I mentioned that in mid-October, P left for Colorado on a ten day hunting trip to Colorado with a friend. Several of you asked if he got anything and the answer is yes. He came home with both a mule deer and an elk. Guess who’s getting a new set of antlers in her living room and has enough meat in the freezer to last through at least three Little House on the Prairie style winters? This girl.
When he left for the trip, I basically prayed that nothing would happen while he was gone. I mean, yes, I wanted him to have safe travel and a good hunt and all of that, but I also wanted life around here to be boring and uneventful. I didn’t want to hear any weird sounds in the night or have the house alarm go off or have my car break down or a pipe burst in the wall. Essentially, I didn’t want to have to be a big girl and handle any sort of thing that falls under his jurisdiction while he was out of town.
And all was going well until one night when I noticed that both Piper and Mabel were obsessed with our fireplace. They are trained hunting dogs and have noses that are made to track animals and so I found this new fascination with the fireplace slightly concerning because vermin in the vicinity of our home is solely under P’s category of expertise. My tendency is to deal with vermin the way normal people do, which is to say I put a for sale sign in the front yard and move.
For days, Piper and Mabel immediately went to the fireplace every time they came in the house and then proceeded to growl at each other which is a for sure sign that there is something there that each of them is very interested in and doesn’t want to share with her sister.
But then, probably due to my many prayers to this end, they seemed to lose interest in the fireplace and I decided maybe they’d both just been intrigued by the scent of my new lavender/eucalyptus candle because hunting dogs are known to go wild for a good candle, am I right? So I kind of forgot about it and P got home from his trip with his mule deer and his elk and life seemed to be back to normal but with 1,000 pounds of meat in our freezer and some new antlers to display.
However, a few days later, Piper and Mabel both became intensely focused on the fireplace again and so I casually mentioned to P, “That’s so weird. They did that while you were gone, too. I wonder what’s going on?”
And he asked, “Did you open the damper to see if there was anything up there?”
Yes. Sure I did. Right after I lit myself on fire.
We have been married for twenty years. I barely have the courage to open the damper to make a fire in the fireplace on a cold night when he’s out of town, so in what world am I going to open it to investigate something clearly dark and sinister lurking about? I may not have seen the movie It, Jenny, but I know what clowns are.
He grabbed his flashlight and immediately decided to check it out. He was joined by his trusty dog, Piper, because Mabel happened to be outside eating her dinner and was unaware of the potential excitement at hand.
It was precisely when I took this picture that he quietly and calmly said, “OH SH*%!” as he found himself staring eye to eye with a large raccoon who had made itself at home in our chimney. I like to believe it looked something like this.
Because I am always calm and cool in a crisis, I yelled,”WHAT IS YOUR PLAN? BECAUSE I AM LITERALLY GOING TO LOSE MY MIND IF A RACCOON ENDS UP IN MY LIVING ROOM!”
But this is why it is fortunate that these types of situations fall under his particular set of skills because in the time it took me to freak the freak out, he had quickly closed the damper and cut off the raccoon’s potential entry into our domicile. After that near life-altering crisis was averted, I asked him what he would have done if the raccoon had actually jumped out of the fireplace and he replied, “I figured the dogs could have taken him.”
Isn’t that a cheery thought? Who doesn’t want to think about how two dogs attacking a raccoon could alter the state of your living area? How does one feng shui themselves back to normalcy after that?
The answer is you’d have to burn the place to the ground.
The next morning P climbed up on the roof and looked down the chimney to make sure that the raccoon had vacated the premises before securing the top of the chimney with a metal grate to make sure the raccoon would have to find a new place to crash. But Piper still remembers what was almost the most exciting night of her life and is convinced that she’ll be able to meet up with that raccoon again if she just tries hard enough.
Meanwhile, I have my suspicions that the raccoon is up on our roof like this, celebrating how he came face to face with a man wearing gingerbread pajama bottoms and lived to tell about it.
And Mabel watches Piper continue to obsess over the raccoon with a little bit of pity and disdain.
She naturally wrote a haiku about it:
I sensed dirty paws
trash panda lurking about
You’re not welcome here
And Piper wrote a poem, too.
PLS COME BCK. I WOOD LIKE TO FITE U.
??? classic !
??? classic ! Too bad P doesn’t coach A&M football! He knows how to get it done!
Hahaha!! I love your true life stories. How in the world do you make a raccoon in your chimney funny? (But you did)
Hilarious! I especially like the haiku and the gingerbread pajamas. Years ago, a snake got into our house. I wanted to get one of my husband’s shotguns and shoot it, which seemed like a perfectly logical solution. He raced home from work to take care of the situation and save our kitchen floor from shotgun damage.
I know of a woman (a distant family friend) who shot holes in her ceiling because there was a squirrel in her attic. True story!
“I may not have seen the movie It, Jenny, but I know what clowns are.” I almost wet my pants. You’re hilarious.
We had raccoons take up residence in the attic of our summer home years ago. Ours were more stubborn about vacating that yours. I took the kids and went home and left hubs there to wait them out, and deal with them when they finally decided to crawl out and move onto the front screened porch instead. The dogs just crack me up, especially the last pic.
I have never left a comment on your blog before (although I’ve been a loyal reader and listener for years!) but oh my goodness, the combo of gifs and contrasting-personality dog poems had me chortling over here this morning. Thanks for shining some light into a dark and cold morning up north.
?
Oh my goodness that was a laughing emoji not a “?”. Embarr.
Ok, I have no idea why I am laughing this hard but I totally am. You can paint a picture, sister. The gingerbread pj bottoms did me in. Hahahaha! Have missed these stories!
This brought a smile to my face this morning. The whole story was hilarious but the very last statement from Piper OWNED ME!! ????
No “???” Those should’ve been heart emojis.
Day.Made. So sorry your near-tragedies are my morning amusement. JK.
Thank you for laughs this morning! “I may not have seen the movie It, Jenny, but I know what clowns are.” This line is everything. LOL!
I laughed so much reading all of this.
So funny! Thanks for the morning laugh!
I am glad I had already swallowed my water before I read this this morning. I would have gotten water all over my screen.
I do believe I would have been sitting in the living room with a shotgun, waiting for P to get home and take care of the vermin.
I am reminded of the movie with John Candy and them trying to catch bats in a cabin. There were racoons who broke into the trash cans every night.
Laughing so hard. Needed this today…classic Melanie <3
Thank you
Hilarious!!! I would not have checked up there either. 🙂
Tears I’m laughing so hard.
I once put a for sale sign In the yard over a lizard in the house. True story. Not sure I could handle a raccoon.
Lawd, this was too funny. We had birds in our chimney once, but i didn’t see the humor in it at the time.
Hahahahaha! This is a hilarious post! But I am SO VERY GLAD you did not have to deal with a raccoon in the living room…..(shudders)
Oh my gosh. Call me superficial but this is MY FAVORITE THING YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN. I’m laughing so dang hard!!!!
I am glad I had already swallowed my water before I read this this morning. I would have gotten water all over my screen.
I do believe I would have been sitting in the living room with a shotgun, waiting for P to get home and take care of the vermin.
I am reminded of the movie with John Candy and them trying to catch bats in a cabin. There were racoons who broke into the trash cans every night.
Pure gold. Everything about it.
Yes, sure I did, after I lit myself on fire! I am crying from laughter at work. You are hilarious and I feel the exact same way. No way would I have investigated the situation. This post is hilarious, thank you for the laughter-as always!
That last GIF with the clapping, and the poems….I died. So glad this got resolved!
This might be one of my favorite post! Hilarious! Quick question…is P wearing flowered pants in the fireplace pic? Surely not? lol
Ok, this had me in tears I’m laughing so hard! Trash panda, gingerbread pj’s, and the Will Ferrell GIF…I’m dying!
Yes, thank you for knowing this needed its own post. I laughed so hard only because i have dealt with squirrels plus a hunting dog (oh & a LARGE frog once) myself. The paradox of how you & P handle situations is a little familiar over here too
At least once a year I need to leave a comment telling you that you make my world a brighter place to be. At least once a month, I laugh out loud at something you’ve written or a picture you’ve posted. That happened today when I got to the raccoon clapping it’s hands – after I stopped laughing at the “yes, sure I did, right after I set myself on fire” comment.
Thank you for sharing your gift of laughter with us, which allows you to share your gift of faith in a way that reminds all of us that Jesus can handle it ALL.
Should have been a warning: Do not read at work because you will burst out crying with laughter!! OMG. I LOVE the movie “Elf” and love that you used it! And light myself on fire…too funny.
20 years ago a bat found me at midnight while my husband was out of town, and I did everything to shoo it out the front door and even made a few calls (before cell phones folks) but once I knew it was not in the bedroom, I went there and put a towel under the door and slept with eyes open all night as it tried to find its way out…when my husband returned the next day he called me at work and asked why the towel and I said “you have company!” He found it and killed it with an ice pick!
This is AWESOME! You always make me smile! 🙂
Best. Post. Ever.
Oh my word! I am a new reader of your blog and you have just made me a HUGE fan! I am so sorry you had to go through all of that, but you came out with an AWESOME story!!
You may have just written the title and first chapter of your next book! I’m pre-ordering now.
Ugh. I HATE raccoons. The thought of one running through my living room makes me shudder. We had an unidentified animal banging around inside our chimney. It was trapped. My husband stood by the fireplace with a fire poke in one hand and a piece of cardboard in the other to steer the animal toward the wide open door. Then, we opened the flu to see what was inside. And by we, I mean he opened it while I cowered in the hallway with one eyeball peering into the room. Lo and behold, a large black bird flew out and landed on the windowsill before making its exit. I was just so relieved it wasn’t a squirrel or something else that would have scampered all over the room.
Hilarious. Why do these thing always happen when they are gone?
I. am. dying. Seriously. This was the best laugh I’ve had in a long time! Thank you!
Hilarious!!! You are the best story teller!!!
That is Mabel’s best haiku EVER!! TRASH PANDA? Love it!
Mabel, please write your own book of haiku!
OH my Word!!! I haven’t laughed so hard in a while (& I already saw the picture on Instagram!) That was awesome blog material. We are all so thankful that no raccoon fighting actually happened in your living room!
Also, I am adding gingerbread pj pants to my Christmas list for my hubby!!! Lol!
I’m glad it didn’t turn out like this: http://www.gifbin.com/989003
This made me laugh so hard!!! My husband travels a lot for work, and you can bet money that if anything is going to happen, it’s when he’s out of town. My reaction would be the same as yours…For Sale sign!
Oh my goodness! This made me laugh so hard! I just knew Mabel would write a haiku. Then Piper’s contribution just sent me over the edge. Thank you for brightening up my day!
Hysterical! And only because this happened at YOUR house and not mine! I’ve dealt with bats and birds (and I’m using the term “I’ve” very loosely). I’m positive I would not survive if a racoon were to find a way into my home.
This is one of your funniest posts, ever! Thank goodness for P and those loyal curs.
I have no words… cannot stop laughing at all of it… it’s ok to laugh, right? since the raccoon did not, in fact, end up in your home??? love this so much.
Oh.my.word. I cannot even!! I just laughed so hard reading this, I had to share it with everyone in my office and now we’re all cackling like crazy! This story HAS to be in a future book please!
P.S. I can’t decide if it’s P’s pjs or Piper looking up the chimney that’s the best… ???
omg, I could have written this, Melanie! We just captured a huge raccoon this past week….I too wanted to move instantly and let him live on our back porch. yechhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Oh my goodness!! That post was THE funniest thing to read today! You truly made me LOL. I love the gingerbread pj bottoms- what a photo op!! And I totally sympathize about the raccoon- burning the house or moving, my solutions as well!! Hang in there, Melanie!!
Melanie…oh my. Goodness! You are one hysterical girl! I have read each of your books in the last month…I have started a book group at our church this past summer and come January, the ladies get the fun of picking which to read.(I’ve reccomended them all!) AND, to my friend , Kelly, who lives in another state, and she will soon be doing : The Church of Small Things with here group! (I see she just sent you a note yesterday) Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your gift of writing.
This is legitimately the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time! ?????
Ever since you posted the Instagram of P and the dog and his reaction, I’ve been worried: Did you indeed burn the house down? Did the dogs get the raccoon? Did P need a face transplant? So many questions…
So imagine my delight when I saw you had blogged about the picture! I’m thrilled to learn the story had a happy ending. And I have to say, I haven’t laughed that hard in ages!
Thanks for the guffaw! And thanks, Mabel and Piper, for the poetry!
I love Mabel & Piper’s contributions to the blog so much!
This literally made me laugh out loud! ” I WOOD LIKE TO FITE YOU”LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A mole was making tracks all over our backyard and my Golden Retriever and Corgi have been digging little holes in our yard every few feet trying to catch it. My husband let them the other night and the Golden proceeded to drop a GIANT mole in the kitchen that was still alive!! The Corgi grabbed it and took it under the dining room table to toss it around. All I could do was stand in a chair and scream GET IT OUT!! The dogs were very proud of their accomplishment!
I’m DYING over here!!! Hilarious!
All sorts of things went through my mind before you said P got the damper closed! Hilarious!!!
I would like to say I love that fact that P said, “OH SH*%!” And that you told us! Makes me feel “normal” haha
Oh my goodness this is the best thing I’ve read in a long time!!! What a hilarious end to a long day. Yes, of course moving or burning the house down are two viable options as any sane woman would second that motion!
I cannot read your blog at night while my husband is sleeping….my wild laughs and snorts wake him!
Thanks for making my night….my husband will appreciate this in the morning!
Totally new to the blog! Loved the story as my husband is also a hunter and we also have hunting dogs!! I could so relate!
LOL! We had a similar experience with a family of squirrels……. Thank the Lord for Critter Control because we had a little tiny dog, not much bigger than a squirrel and my husband is a sports guy not a hunter…… Good times!!!
Thank you for the laugh this morning! My reaction would have been word-for-word the same.
This is one of my favorite things to read allllll week long. Hahaha
No ma’am, he does not need a hug. Full stop. I am amazed P did not wear his headlamp for this operation…
Hi Melanie,
Thanks to Denise Dykstra, this is the first of your posts I have read. Your story had me smiling throughout, and even laughing out loud a time or two. You’re a gifted and very talented writer, and I look forward to reading more of them in the future.
OMG, this had me laughing out loud!
Long story short, I also had a raccoon in fireplace when hubby was out of town. Funny now to think of the memory but not so funny back then.
Thanks for the laugh!!!
Donna P.
I simply cannot get over the pictures!
I would love to be LOLing because your story is so unique and hilarious, as it is. I also LOL because I too have had countless stories of the craziness that ensues when the cat, brings “critters” through the dog door and lets them loose. Sometimes when the hubs is hunting and I am left alone screaming to the teenage son “go get it, don’t let me see it”. I totally feel you! Always praying the dog does not actually get to whatever the furry intruder may be, mouse, bird, bunny…
Great story!! Thanks for the share.
OMGosh – I still live in fear of a repeat of the time that a bleeping mama raccoon found her way into our attic! I’m glad that your he-man hubby was there to save the family. ?
OH my gosh. All your blogs are great but this one literally made me LOL. Hilarious. And happy for you that crisis was averted! We had a squirrel in our house a few months ago and it took us 3 days to catch him. Two days later, he was staring at me in the kitchen!!! I can’t imagine how much worse a raccoon would have been!
I laughed til I cried! The pics of your dog halfway up the chimney are the best! Their poetry is the only poetry i ever read.
Oh my word. This is my favorite post ever!! I laughed so loud in my office that people came in to see what was going on. Oh dear. I needed that!
Speaking as a person who had a soot covered squirrel enter the living area via the fireplace as I opened the damper to check out the sound (with a very small mini dog watching/helping me)..its better to just COMPLETELY REMOVE THE FIREPLACE. Trust me.