Two decades of wisdom, except without much wisdom

About this time last year I received an email about plans for my twentieth high school reunion. And I thought, bless their hearts, it hasn’t been twenty years since we graduated from high school because that would mean we’re old and all drive minivans and wear sensible loafers. Then I did the math and realized that yes, as a graduate of the class of 1989, it has been twenty years since I teased the crap out of my bangs in the hopes they would be higher than my mortarboard cap when I walked the stage to receive my diploma and hugged all my classmates while a cassette tape of Whitney Houston belted out “One Moment In Time” over a mediocre sound system.

And then I looked in the mirror and found two new gray hairs.

And then I cried.

Anyway, the reunion is now officially only a few weeks away and yesterday I emailed a bunch of scanned high school photos to my friend Tracey to use as part of the festivities. While I looked through the album full of so many high school memories, I reflected on all the things I’ve learned in the last twenty years. Deep life lessons. The wisdom that only comes with age and the realization that Guess overalls can’t bring lasting happiness, even though they were totally awesome when I wore them with my Esprit booties.

Here are twenty other lessons I’ve learned over the last two decades:

1. Tweezers are your friend. For heaven’s sake, if your eyebrows cover half your eyelid and often impede your vision, don’t be afraid to get rid of a few of them.

2. It may seem cool to get a car with only two seats but it will prove to be impractical even though it has a sweet Alpine stereo system with a radio that requires you to turn the knob to change stations.

3. Nautical-themed attire is best reserved for toddlers and sailors.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m rockin’ a side pony in that picture or if my ponytail was big enough to cover the entire back of my head.

4. Four perms a year is four perms too many.

5. Later in life you may experience some guilt related to your direct role in destroying the ozone layer due to excessive use of Rave aerosol hairspray.

6. Tucking your jeans into your socks just makes you look like an ice cream cone. An ice cream cone with a big, crispy perm on top.

7. Blue mascara. No.

8. Laying out in the sun using only the spf contained in baby oil is a bad idea. Why did it never occur to me that I was literally frying myself?

9. It’s possible to wear too much Lauren by Ralph Lauren perfume, especially if you carry it around in your purse to touch up your scent in between classes.

10. Just because you can get shoes dyed to match your peach lame’ prom dress doesn’t mean you should. And, really, peach lame’ is a regretful choice.

11. Peplums don’t work for everyone.

12. Same goes for shoulder pads.

13. Contrary to my belief at the time, Erasure did not prove to be the best band ever. Ditto for Duran Duran and Whitesnake. However, Run DMC and The Beastie Boys totally stand the test of time.

14. While satisfying and delicious, a lunch comprised of Cool Ranch Doritos and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups probably isn’t the best choice.

15. As it turns out, breaking up with a boyfriend doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, although it does push the limits of how many times you can fast-forward a mix tape to Sinead O’Connor singing “Nothing Compares 2 U” or listen to the entire Chicago 17 album.

16. There is such a thing as hair that’s too big. A sure sign is when it extends past the perimeter of your graduation cap or requires you to use a bottle of Aussie Sprunch Spray and a set of 52 hot rollers to achieve the desired width to height ratio. Sometimes less is more.

17. Same goes for bows, both on dresses and in your hair. Also, a puffed sleeve should be used in moderation.

18. The banana clip was an unfortunate hair accessory made more unfortunate by the fact that I owned one in every color. I believe it was the Bump-It of the ’80’s.

19. I have never been more right than when I informed my Geometry teacher that Geometry was a waste of time because I’d never use it in real life. EVER.

20. Twenty years go by in the blink of an eye and, while each one has its share of challenges, it just gets better.

Out of curiosity and interest in the male perspective, I just asked P what he’s learned since high school and he said, “You reap what you sow”. I was thinking more along the lines of does he regret having a mullet during his junior year of high school. So I guess the other life lesson is it’s a good idea to marry someone who tends to be a little more philosophical and introspective when it comes to life, although I think it’s safe to say in retrospect the mullet was a bad call.

What about y’all? What wisdom have you gained since high school?