Author: Big Mama

Sparkly Green Earrings

So.

Y’all.

This week is a big week in my little corner of the world. After four years of back and forth and maybe I’ll write a book and no I can’t write a book and now I’ve written a book but books take forever to actually come out and be placed on bookshelves in bookstores, Sparkly Green Earrings officially releases this Friday, February 8th and rumor even has it that it’s already on the shelves in various stores.

(By which I mean that I saw it at Lifeway and it was on a middle shelf and I moved it to the top shelf next to Jen Hatmaker’s book because I’m no dummy.)

I feel like I’ve been pregnant for about twenty-six months. The good news is I’m having a book and not a baby elephant.

Although I think baby elephants are very cute.

Sparkly Green Earrings is so special to me. I remember being about ten years old and picking up a copy of Erma Bombeck’s book If Life Is A Bowl of Cherries Then What Am I Doing in the Pits? and reading it from cover to cover because I thought it was hilarious even though I had to be too young to understand some of it. And while I am no Erma Bombeck, I wanted to write a book that you could leave out on your coffee table and not be afraid for your ten year old to pick it up and start reading. In our culture of trashy commercials and other questionable things, that’s become a rarity. I wanted to write a book that will hopefully make you laugh and cry and feel a little less alone.

As much as it all still doesn’t seem real, I look at Sparkly Green Earrings sitting on my bookshelf and it’s a reminder that God sees us. He sees the little dreams we have that we’re scared to voice out loud but whisper as a prayer in the dark. And then he works all things together for his good and puts pieces together in ways we never could have imagined.

SparklyGreenEarings4 from Big Mama on Vimeo.

I couldn’t be more humbled. And grateful. And so appreciative because none of this would have happened if y’all didn’t show up here to read the silly words I type out on the computer every day.

Over the last year I have been so thankful for your kind words and your prayers and your support. You have encouraged me and blessed me and cheered me on more than I can ever convey. You’re a part of this book, in one way or another, and I would love for you to be a part of it again this week as it’s released.

And on Friday I have a really fun giveaway planned just to say thank you for all your support.

Here are some ways you can help make the launch of Sparkly Green Earrings a success. You can do all of these or any combo. Or you can do none of them. I mean that. But maybe you could still buy a copy and use it as a doorstop or for kindling on a cold winter’s night.

1. Buy the book

It’s officially out this Friday, but I happen to know a few of these retailers are already shipping it out. I’ve also heard it’s even at Sam’s Club and I don’t know if anything says REAL AUTHOR like being sold in the same place people can buy toilet paper and dog food in bulk quantities.

Here’s a handy widget if you’d like to purchase it from one of the following places online.

2. AMAZON REVIEW

You can start leaving reviews for the book on Friday and it would be great if you would take the time to leave a review. I’m not sure why that’s important, but people who know things tell me it is.

And I believe them because, while I can tell you all about the Crawley family or Friday Night Lights, I know shockingly little about book sales.

You can just briefly write your thoughts on the book and don’t feel like you need to lie and say it’s the best book you’ve read since To Kill A Mockingbird. However, I hope it’s better than the instruction manual that came with your refrigerator. I have lofty goals.

3. SOCIAL MEDIA

Feel free to post about it or tweet about it or hire one of those airplanes that writes stuff in the sky.

You can also find easy ways to share the book or tweet or pin or hashtag or whatever the kids are doing these days on the official book page.

Also, I’d love to see pictures when you have the book or see it at a store. Nothing would make me happier than seeing my book in your hands. Except maybe if it’s in a shopping cart full of economy sized toilet paper and Ol’ Roy dog food.

4. TELL YOUR FRIENDS

You know, everyone you see today. And tomorrow. And this week.

And for the next year.

5. PRAY

This book is the thing in my life that God wouldn’t let me give up on. And I don’t know why. But my prayer is that it makes women everywhere know that they are normal and we all make mistakes and sometimes we all want to run away from home to a really nice hotel. I want it to be an encouragement and help us all take some time to laugh.

The bottom line is that I’m beyond grateful for you. It means so much that you even care about Sparkly Green Earrings.

For me, this is a dream come true. And it’s also filled with a little bit of insecurity as evidenced by all the dreams I’ve had in the last week where I’m jumping off a cliff and realize there’s no net or someone tells me my nose is too big or my eyebrows are too wild.

But y’all are my safe place.

Thanks for being a part of this. And now I will stop before I start crying and can’t stop and get those ugly puffy eyelids.

Love you so much.

Thank you isn’t enough.
Donuts and nine and half years

I watched The Bachelor last night and I’m going to tell you that I realized why I could never be on the show. Other than that I’m forty-one and happily married and wouldn’t get in a bathing suit on national television for any amount of dollars.

They would never get me up in a helicopter.

Those girls all “OOH” and “AAH” and “my boyfriend has a helicopter!” (Which NO he does not. ABC rented him a helicopter.) and they seem to have no qualms about getting on in. But I do not like heights. Therefore I would be all CHECK PLEASE.

And so that’s why I’d never go on The Bachelor. Other than I’m married and forty-one and also a little bit of a germophobe. Oh, and I wouldn’t drink goat’s milk. And before you’re all “Goat’s milk is delicious!”, I need to tell you that I don’t like cow’s milk either. I do not care for milk except sometimes if it’s chocolate and/or in a milkshake form.

I feel so much better now that I’ve got that out there. I’m sure you’ve all been wondering.

Anyway, I woke up yesterday morning as tired as I was when I went to bed on Sunday night. It was one of those nights where I know I must have slept but I think I was working really hard in all my dreams and so I woke up tired. And then I had to put together a lunch for Caroline using nothing but two slices of ham and a Jedi mind trick.

Normally I would have felt guilty about the sad state of lunch affairs, but I knew I was bringing in Krispy Kreme donuts that afternoon to celebrate her half birthday. I realize most people don’t celebrate half-birthdays but her sweet teacher makes sure even the kids with summer birthdays get to have a celebration at school.

So I pulled together a lunch that would probably embarrass our family name and then P took her to school. Then I went to Starbucks in an attempt to get some writing stuff done because I knew if I tried to stay home I would fall into a dead sleep on the couch in ten minutes flat and that tends to be unproductive.

My Starbucks friend (the one I make bets with about important stuff like Kate Middleton’s pregnancy and Johnny Manziel winning the Heisman) had asked for a signed copy of my book a few weeks ago. Although he informed me he probably wasn’t going to read it after I told him what it was about. Which, HILARIOUS. I admire his honesty.

But I brought him a copy yesterday and he thumbed threw it and declared he was going to read it after all. It didn’t look as “religious” as he thought it might. I have no idea what that means, but I’m going to go with it.

And so after I spent a few hours attempting to get something done which really looked more like alternating between checking Twitter and Facebook and reading about Downton Abbey, I drove out to Krispy Kreme to pick up donuts. It was Caroline’s idea to bring donuts instead of cupcakes because she’s not a big fan of the cupcake and she was very specific that she wanted Krispy Kreme instead of Shipleys.

So I schlepped across town to the nearest Krispy Kreme and ended up buying thirty-six donuts because have you ever been in Krispy Kreme? I was powerless to resist the smell. And even though there are only twenty-two kids in Caroline’s class, I decided that extras weren’t the worst thing that could happen.

Swarms of killer bees are.

I have no idea where that thought just came from. See? Tired.

I brought in the donuts during the last forty minutes of the day because Caroline’s teacher is smart enough to know to let those kids take that sugar high on home with them. And she turned up the music while everyone put on their Krispy Kreme hats and danced around the room.

This was before she’d even had a donut.

And this is after.

Then I tied her to the front of the car and she pulled us all the way home.

It was good times.

I’m a big fan of nine and a half.

***Edited to add that the mannequin head is Elvis. Not the real Elvis. Just an Elvis head. It got photographed at a bad angle, which happens to the best of us.***
The only super in our bowl was the chili

So it’s Monday.

Actually it’s Sunday night as I sit here typing this. P and I are watching the last five minutes of the Super Bowl after the big power outage brouhaha.

(Is it just me or is brouhaha a totally underused word?)

And I also left the room for an hour to watch Downton Abbey in the other room because I needed to see how the Crawley family was doing after all the events of last week. The answer? Not good.

However, the Dowager Countess had some lines that were solid gold and made me laugh out loud a few times.

We’ve had a pretty low key weekend. On Friday night Caroline and I went to eat with Mimi and Bops. P opted to stay home because he’d spent every evening of the past week taking Caroline to soccer boot camp and then basketball practice. And so when he finally came in after work and laid down on the living room floor he announced he wasn’t moving until it was time to get in bed.

And I didn’t blame him.

So Caroline and I went out to eat but then she decided she didn’t feel good at the restaurant and when you’re waiting to see if your child is going to throw up it kind of puts a damper on your enjoyment of some tacos nortenos.

But by Saturday morning she was feeling better and had a basketball game at 10:00 a.m. I’d instructed P to wake me up at 9:10 because my desire to sleep in a little far outweighed my desire to not look like a hag.

Caroline played a great game and then we celebrated by driving through Sonic for breakfast burritos. I’m not sure why I decided a breakfast burrito from Sonic was a better choice than a real breakfast taco from a real Mexican restaurant, but sometimes my Southeast Texas roots come out and I can overlook a flour tortilla that’s thinner than tissue paper filled with what might be fake eggs. Especially if it comes with a side of tots.

And then we spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out until Caroline’s friend Sadie came over to play. The girls gave each other manis and pedis and then made what can only be described as informational videos on the computer in the kitchen. If you consider informational videos to be anything that describes the importance of saving the narwhals or talking in a voice at a decibel level dogs can’t hear.

Later that evening we went over to Gulley’s house for dinner. And the kids played and the adults talked and laughed until way too late. Which is why Caroline cried on Sunday morning when P woke her up for church. She sat, tearfully eating her Cheerios and asked, “Don’t you people know that a kid needs at least ten hours of sleep?”

Which is ironic coming from the child that has caused me to lose countless hours of sleep over the last nine and a half years.

After church Caroline went to hit golf balls with Mimi, Bops and my niece Sarah. Gulley and I made a quick trip to a few stores to see if they had anything cute and she found a few things. And then I came home and fell into a dead sleep on the couch for about thirty minutes because apparently kids aren’t the only ones who need at least ten hours of sleep a night. So do forty-one year olds with head colds that won’t go away.

And then we had a big Super Bowl party. By which I mean that I made chili and P, Caroline and I sat around the coffee table. For dessert P ate about forty-two mini Snickers out of the candy jar because everything in moderation.

That pretty much sums up our weekend. I apologize that I can’t make it any more interesting than this, but some weekends are just like that. A whole lot of nothing with the people you love.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Fashion Friday: Edition the Super Bowl is Sunday and a giveaway!

Yes.

The Super Bowl is Sunday. And I’m pretty sure the Ravens are in it but I couldn’t tell you the name of the other team right now if you paid me cash money. That’s how much I care about professional football.

But I’m sure we’ll cook chili and P will watch the game and I’ll watch the commercials and then he’ll decide he doesn’t care about the halftime show and turn it right as Beyonce is taking the stage which will be the only thing I’m really interested in.

Anyway, I’m really excited today because I have a great bracelet to give away to one lucky winner. The nice people from The Impeccable Pig contacted me and said they would like to give away a piece of jewelry. And so I chose this bracelet because it was my personal favorite.

I love a cuff bracelet. I love gold. I love turquoise. It’s the perfect bracelet trifecta.

And one of you can win one for yourself. All you need to do is go visit The Impeccable Pig website and tell me about something cute you found in the comments.

As for me, I am loving this cathedral top. I think it would look so cute with white jeans or shorts in the summer.

And I also love this blue sun necklace.

Here are some other things I’ve found this week:

1. towne and reese deep teal & turquoise earrings

One of the reasons I love Carol & Company, other than because they have gorgeous jewelry, is that they are so generous. The owner has a friend who is currently fighting breast cancer and they are giving her 20% from all sales on February 1-2 to help ease the financial burden.

If there was ever a good excuse to go buy some cute jewelry for yourself, this is it.

2. zig zag chiffon scarf

A good scarf can change an outfit. This is one of those scarfs.

3. all roads embroidery tunic

I saw this in person yesterday and am still thinking about it. It’s the perfect thing to throw on with jeans or shorts during the spring and summer.

4. fitted boyfriend teacup shirt

I like this shirt. The teacups might be a little precious for me, but they’re small enough that I can deal. Also, it seems like it’s a versatile length.

5. studded swing dress

Gorgeous color. And perfect to wear with leggings and a denim jacket right now. And then maybe with white skinny jeans this summer.

Or maybe with bare legs if you’re younger than me.

6. matinee chevron blouse

I know. Chevron. Every week.

But this is a shirt not a dress so it’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT. It comes in aqua or black.

7. canvas trench coat

Tim Gunn once said every woman needs a trench coat. I don’t know if that’s true. But I do know that I have a black trench coat that I bought almost ten years ago that I still wear from time to time.

And this one is cute with the pop of color in the lining.

8. denim shirt

Denim shirt. If you don’t have one, I think you need one. It’s versatile.

9. printed tank dress

Honestly, I threw this in because I was having a hard time finding ten things I wanted to feature. And I’d never actually wear this because it’s not really my style. But I think it would be cute on someone.

10. 3/4 length sleeve t-shirt

I ran in Zara yesterday and tried on this shirt. And almost bought it. And now I wish I had so that’s my tale of woe for the day. Anyway, it’s a great length and super soft.

That’s it for today.

Y’all have a good weekend.

And I hope Beyonce wins the Super Bowl.

Don’t forget to leave a comment for a chance to win the bracelet from The Impeccable Pig.
Stand and avoid

Well I think my cold has officially turned a corner. I woke up yesterday morning and only felt a little bit like Bugs Bunny had dropped an anvil on my head instead of feeling like the Roadrunner just ran me off a cliff.

I have no idea why I’m speaking in Looney Tunes terminology.

And, honestly, I was just glad I was able to start the morning sitting on my couch with a cup of coffee instead of rushing out the door to chaperone a fourth grade field trip like I did on Tuesday. Not that spending the day with fifty fourth graders isn’t my idea of a good time. It’s just that spending the day with fifty fourth graders isn’t my idea of a good time.

Although I did hear a lot of information spouted as fact that I’m pretty sure was either completely made up and/or fear tactics used by their parents. Things like “Did you know if a dog eats even ONE GRAPE he will die immediately?”

I know this to be untrue because Scout has eaten a grape and lived to bark about it.

(Disclaimer: I have heard that grapes are bad for dogs. Scout ate the grape before I could grab it. I was not intentionally feeding him grapes like he was Cleopatra or anything.)

So I spent the morning trying to catch up on email while drinking a large cup of coffee. But then I had to leave the house to run errands because I had some things to return to Target and World Market and you don’t really care about any of this.

However, the other reason I had to leave the house is that some insurance guy had called a week ago and told me he’d been contracted by our home insurance company to do an external and internal survey of our house to determine if we had the proper coverage level. And so I scheduled a time for him to come by.

But then I mentioned it to P last night and he thought the whole thing sounded fishy. Did I know this guy really worked for an insurance company? Did I know if our company required this? Was I planning to let a complete stranger just walk in and look around our house?

This is why I married P. I would end up on the unfortunate end of an episode of Unsolved Mysteries without him. I am trusting. I do not ask pertinent questions. I assume people are who they claim to be.

I’m still waiting to receive money from Mr. Umara Nihaji from Nigeria who had no heirs and decided to leave his fortune of one hundred and twenty million American dollars to me. I mean I even got an email from his lawyer.

So I called our insurance company this morning to ask a few more questions. And it turns out it was a legitimate thing. However, it was not a required thing. They tried not to give this away on the phone, but I could tell by the terminology that she couldn’t legally tell me it was required but still wanted to imply that we needed to have our house inspected to make sure we have enough coverage.

But we’re comfortable with the amount of coverage we have and so I told them we didn’t want the guy to come by our house. She wasn’t sure she could contact him to cancel the appointment and that’s why I left the house. So that I wouldn’t be home in case he still showed up. I basically employed my time-honored technique of avoiding a potentially awkward situation.

Avoidance is a real strategy. Trust me. I’ve used it for years.

The only problem is sometimes it requires you to leave your home for a few hours while you hide from some insurance guy that you don’t know. And I felt bad that he was coming by the house for no reason but I did everything I could to get the appointment cancelled.

Anyway, I went to the Target that’s seven extra stoplights away from my house because I also had to return something to World Market and that Target is closest to the World Market. None of this matters in your life one bit.

After I made my returns and perused the aisles at Target, I still had some time to spend avoiding the insurance guy and I decided to run over to Barnes and Noble. I could make up a reason why I went there because I’d like to think I’m cooler than this, but I’m so not. I totally went to see if they had my book on the shelves yet.

The official release date is February 8, but several people have emailed or tweeted or let me know by carrier pigeon that they bought it at various bookstores already. And so I was curious to see if it was there. Plus I keep thinking it might seem real if I see it in an actual bookstore.

I looked around for a minute but didn’t see it anywhere. But then I turned to my left and was greeted by a big sign with my picture on it announcing that I’d be signing books there on February 12.

Y’all.

I couldn’t have been more shocked if I’d seen a giraffe.

I mean I know I have a book signing scheduled there, but I didn’t think about there being a sign with my picture on it or anything. And so I turned around and walked right out of Barnes and Noble with great haste.

There is no explanation for my reaction other than I am weird.

And I apply my avoidance strategy to various aspects of my life. Including signs with my picture on them.
You have questions, I have answers. Kind of.

This is going to be brief because I’m determined to be in bed by 9:45. My cold is so much better but I am still so dang tired. And I helped chaperone a field trip yesterday which didn’t really help my energy level. However, I did learn more than I ever wanted to know about the Pecos Indians.

So there’s that.

And now here’s a numerical list of things:

1. Here are a few answers to questions y’all had about the living room yesterday.

The trim color is Behr Ultra Pure White.

The fabric on the chairs is Richloom Cornwall Garden.

The red bird plate is from Pier One. The rest are a mix of Anthropologie, World Market and antique shop finds.

The picture frames are all from Target.

The large glass jugs are from World Market.

The Nest pillow came from Pottery Barn a few seasons ago.

And I think that’s it. The antelope is spoken for and, although I know many of you want it for your own, I cannot give it away.

2. Several of you have inquired about Larry the frog and wondered how he is doing.

(That is a total lie. Not one of you has asked about Larry. It’s like none of you care that he barely escaped death as he made his way on a palm leaf from Florida to Texas.)

But I’m taking it upon myself to share that Larry has taken up residence in our kitchen because we (P and Caroline) were concerned it was the only room warm enough. And we’ve done our best to give him an environment with proper humidity.

However, Larry appears to be on a hunger strike. He hasn’t eaten since we got him. So either he doesn’t care for meal worms or he’s protesting immigration issues. We aren’t sure which.

3. There’s still time to sign up for the DotMom Conference in Dallas on Feb. 22-23.

I don’t want to be pushy on this, but this conference is so good and filled with so much good information that I want to make sure you don’t miss out. How often do you get to hear so many good speakers on one stage?

And not that this is any real incentive, but I’ll be signing books at the conference on Friday night.

Anyway, it’s filling up fast, but you can still find registration information here.

4. The new Dallas

I realized yesterday that I missed the season premiere. And I am having a hard time caring because I know J.R. is obviously going to die and then what’s the point of the whole thing?

As much as I hate to end with four, I think that’s all I have.

See y’all tomorrow.