Author: Big Mama

This road trip marked a turning point for us. Gulley and I realized that our kids have all reached the age where they are more than 76% sure that we don’t know how to do anything and that we’re wrong most of the time.

However, they are geniuses. They are experts on how to drive and buying tickets to baseball games and know all the facts about Mount Rushmore and can explain the workings of the water table in full detail.

At one point I finally said, “Wow. Y’all know A LOT of stuff.”

But they don’t know sarcasm because they took it as a compliment.

The only thing they don’t seem to know is that I am perfectly capable of determining if my car can fit in a certain parking place or that Gulley knows to wait to walk in front of a group of people during a baseball game.

Anyway, Saturday was a cold, rainy day. Will and Jackson opted to go ahead and go to the baseball game with Big, but Caroline said she’d rather stay home in her pajamas and watch a movie. Which just goes to show that Proverbs isn’t kidding when it says to train up a child in the way that she should go and she won’t depart from it. I’ve never been so proud.

But later that afternoon she got bored so I took her to Target to buy paper and crayons. Then we went to Kroger to buy a few groceries and I got the delight of my life when the cashier told me she was about to go on “Fraternity Leave” as soon as she had her baby.

I’m not sure how the SAEs are going to feel about having a mother and her newborn baby around the fraternity house, but I wished her all the best.

On Sunday morning we hoped the rain would end and we’d be able to make it to the baseball field, but it didn’t look good. Then it finally stopped in the early afternoon and we couldn’t get dressed and to Olsen Field fast enough. Even if it was cold and wet.

And that’s when I ruined my purse.

And the Aggies lost the game.

But we still had a good time just being out of the house and all together eating big tubs of popcorn.

We woke up Monday morning and it was time for Caroline and I to head to Houston to visit Mimi and Bops. But we stopped for lunch at Newk’s first because I am in love with the chicken salad there and we don’t have a Newk’s in San Antonio. Will someone please open a Newk’s in San Antonio? Please? Anyone? I need it in my life on a regular basis.

The drive to Houston was perfect because the bluebonnets are blooming and they are one of my favorite things ever. We made it to Bops and Mimi’s house by mid-afternoon and waited for my sister and her daughter Sarah to get there. A little while later we all went to eat dinner at El Meson which is this great Cuban place in the Rice Village.

(I don’t know why you need to know all this. I’m just recording it all so I’ll have it later. Feel free to skim.)

The next day we all went to Ikea because every child dreams of going to Ikea and looking for spice racks on their Spring Break. It’s second only to Disney World in terms of pure family fun. But my sister saw some shelves on Pinterest that were made from spice racks at Ikea and wanted to copy the idea. Apparently, so did everyone else in the greater Houston area because they were flat sold out of spice racks. But they are getting more in at the end of May.

Seriously. The end of May? It’s a spice rack. Not a cure for whatever is making my front teeth hurt.

Did I mention my front teeth are hurting? I’m not sure what’s going on. It feels like maybe they’re moving which is alarming because I had a permanent retainer put in the back of them at the end of my unfortunate adult orthodontia experience and I don’t think they should be moving. But I also don’t think it’s gum sensitivity because hot and cold drinks don’t bother them.

(I believe I just took a serious subject detour.)

(I realize you don’t want to know about my teeth. I just don’t know what’s going on. It’s like I got punched in the mouth and don’t remember it.)

Anyway, my sister has to wait until May to turn a spice rack into a shelf. But I guess it’s worth the wait because the whole world knows spice racks are the new shelves. At least everyone on Pinterest knows.

After we left Ikea we went to the Galleria where, THANKFULLY, Caroline had no dreams or desires to ice skate. So we just looked around in different stores and I got out of Justice without having to buy anything and that felt like a victory. My niece, Sarah, found a Happy Napper pillow that looked like a unicorn and declared that it was the happiest day of her life and Caroline got a darling new shirt that she may actually wear more than once. I’d say it was a success. Who needs Disney World?

The girls were ready to head back to Bops and Mimi’s house so we went back there to hang out and relax before dinner. I took the opportunity to start reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and I am FASCINATED so far. It’s the kind of book that is totally readable, but makes me feel like I’m learning all kinds of useful, interesting facts to throw out at dinner parties.

Not that I ever really go to dinner parties.

And not that my child will ever really believe I know any useful, interesting facts.

I don’t even know how to park my car.

Well.

We have now been away from home since Friday. And I’ll tell you my biggest concern at this point. Other than the laundry and massive grocery store trip that awaits my arrival home.

There is a 99.6% that I’m growing black mold in my purse.

On Sunday we went to a baseball game at the new Blue Bell Park at Olsen Field to watch the Aggies. And it had been raining to beat the band ALL WEEKEND. But I decided the ground under the bleachers where we were sitting couldn’t be that wet because why would it be wet after forty-six inches of rain? I guess I also believed that my genuine pleather bag was waterproof.

But it’s not. I picked it up and everything in it was soaked. Two packs of Eclipse gum were totally ruined. Not to mention that my lipsticks were all very damp.

The smartest course of action would have probably been to dump everything out and let it dry. But no one has ever accused me of doing the smartest thing and so I didn’t. I reasoned that I planned to throw out the purse as soon as I switch to a summer purse on Easter. However, I failed to really comprehend that Easter is still a month away.

And now my purse is a health-hazard.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.

Anyway, Gulley and I loaded up the kids on Friday afternoon in the rain and the cold to venture out for some Spring Break fun. Even though it’s hard to embrace Spring when it’s 50 degrees and raining outside since that’s what people who live in South Texas call WINTER.

We made a quick stop to load up on road trip snacks and everyone chose candy. Except for Will since he’s not allowed to have candy on road trips anymore now that we’ve discovered the bulk of his carsickness is caused by eating an entire bag of Gummy Bears by himself. So he chose Cheesy Pringles instead.

Caroline and I planned to leave Bryan for Houston on Monday so we had to take two cars. So the kids all decided to ride with me for the first part of the trip. I’m still not entirely sure why since it’s a universal truth that Gulley is more fun than me, but they must have forgotten that. And I’m glad they did because I was able to question them all about their hopes and dreams. And steal a few of Will’s Cheesy Pringles.

I discovered that Caroline would like to live on a ranch someday. Jackson hopes to grow up and play professional baseball. And Will. Will writes songs in his head all the time. He’s currently working on a song called “Just Do It” that’s going to be his first big hit. He just needs to find someone who can rap really fast to do the middle part. But he sang the slow part for me and I think it has promise.

After he makes a bunch of money (like maybe twenty or thirty kajillion dollars) he’s going to buy a bunch of alligators for Caroline to keep at her ranch. Which is what I’m pretty sure J.Lo bought for her friends after she made it big and explains why she wrote that song about not being fooled by the crocs that she’s got, she’s still Jenny from the block.

(I know. Crocs aren’t alligators. But how could I walk away from that?)

We also listened to that Party Rockers song about sixty-eight times on the way and I’m afraid I’ll never get it out of my head. It’s also when I discovered that I’d slept wrong on my neck and was moving like I was Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles. I’m almost back to full neck rotation at this point but it was dicey there for a while. Only my torso moved.

By the time we got to Honey and Big’s house it was late and we were tired. We ate some pizza, visited a little bit and all went to bed with big dreams of going to watch the Aggies play baseball the next day.

So you can imagine our disappointment when we woke up to a torrential rainstorm the next morning. Fortunately Big eased our pain with enough Shipley’s donuts and kolaches to feed thirty-seven people. Then Gulley and I went to pick up Nena so she could spend the afternoon with us.

Nena.

Y’all. Nena is a miracle. She had heart bypass surgery less than two weeks ago and is back home and doing great. In fact, she’s not even sure she needed that surgery. She isn’t even convinced she had a heart attack because she had no pain. NO PAIN. Even though the official EMT report showed that she said she felt heavy pressure. But she’s sure they made that up because she doesn’t remember feeling heavy pressure and is sure she didn’t say that. WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT?

But she told me the whole story. She’d just eaten lunch in the dining hall. And was walking back to her apartment and her feet felt weird. So she took an aspirin and laid down. But then still felt funny and pushed her medic alert bracelet. And I wouldn’t even BELIEVE how quick they showed up.

Honey said all the doctors and nurses at the hospital adored Nena and the cardiologist even stopped her in the hall the day before Nena left to go home and said, “I checked on your mother and asked her if she was feeling okay. She asked me if there was any way I could bring her a trashy magazine.”

So Honey had to explain that meant Nena wanted the latest National Enquirer because how are you supposed to recover from major surgery if you can’t guess which celebrity has been caught with all their cellulite hanging out at the beach? And who better to bring it to you than your heart surgeon?

Gulley and I knew Nena was definitely on the road to recovery when she announced she had a purse that was way too big for her and she wanted Gulley to have it. Nena has always shown her love by offering various extra items she happens to have lying around. And so she handed Gulley a shiny patent mustard-yellow purse.

Of course now that I’m catching a whiff of my purse from the corner of the room, I’m kind of wishing she’d had two.