Author: Big Mama

You might have noticed that I’ve been a little short of the words here this week. I could give you a long list of reasons why, but I’d have to make it up because I really don’t have a single reason. Well, except for my insomnia. I don’t know why my body has decided it doesn’t need sleep, but it forgot to inform my brain and I feel a little bit like I’m walking through life at half my normal capacity which, to begin with, is approximately 1/4 less than the average person. I have no scientific data to back this up, but it seems like a good guess. Especially if you take my lack of Words with Friends skills into account.

There was actually a point earlier this week that I was going to share how excited I am about the new toothbrush I bought last weekend (It’s a Colgate 360! My mouth has never felt so clean! I woke up excited to brush my teeth on Sunday morning!) or the fact that P brought home three styrofoam cups from the pool grill and told me he’d “TOTALLY SCORED!”. I’m not sure why three styrofoam cups that used to be filled with lemonade we actually paid for is considered a score, especially considering he wasn’t alive during the Depression, but I think it has something to do with his ongoing mission to clutter up my newly organized cabinets.

Then I decided no one really wants to hear about my new toothbrush or our stash of styrofoam cups, but yet here I am talking about them. Have I mentioned I’m also excited Metamucil is introducing a new flavor?

Yesterday was Pirate Theme Day at day camp and so Caroline’s friend Gabi came over early in the morning so I could indulge my inner face-painter and paint eyepatches, scars and the obligatory anchor tattoo on each of the girls.

They immediately embraced their pirate characters and began stomping around the kitchen yelling “AARGH” and talking about things being “SCURVY” and “TAKING PRISONERS”. In the middle of all this pirate debauchery, P walked into the kitchen. Caroline walked right up to him and yelled, “AARGH!! I’M A PIRATE!” and then, AND THEN, she spit on him. If she had walked up and slapped him he would not have been more shocked.

He slowly asked, “Did you just SPIT on me?”

“Yes”, she replied quietly as the weight of what she’d just done began to settle and her pirate bravado began to waver.

Fortunately, P is a man that understands a person can get carried away in a moment. Anyone who’s been known to throw a can opener down the street after it fails to work properly isn’t really a person who can judge someone else’s inappropriate reaction. He looked at her and said, “There is no reason to EVER spit on another person. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

And then we sent her out the door with a hug and kiss as I called out the reminder I’d always imagined giving my daughter, “REMEMBER TO BE A KIND PIRATE. DON’T SPIT ON ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS.”

By the time I picked the girls up at the end of the day, the eyepatches and anchors were long gone. I could tell they were exhausted, but were also WOUND UP and I was treated to several loud renditions of their camp cheer. We dropped Gabi off and Caroline asked if she could go inside to play for awhile. I said no because it was late and time for dinner and that’s when she began her soliloquy about the unfairness of life and how it relates to discrimination against pirates.

By the time we drove the five minutes home, she was in tears. And I had the audacity to tell her she was just tired, which caused her head to spin around as she growled, ” I AM NOT TIRED. QUIT SAYING I AM TIRED.”

So I did.

Until I forgot and said it again three minutes later.

Then I told her she needed to hurry up and eat dinner so she could take a shower and get in bed. BUT SHE DIDN’T WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER. I’m not sure when she turned into a ten-year-old boy, but she was outraged at my old-fashioned idea that she should practice proper hygiene.

She argued, “But Mama, tomorrow’s theme is County Fair and everyone knows that you get stinky at a County Fair.”

I didn’t want to admit she’d just made an excellent point, so instead I said, “You’re tired. You need to get in the shower RIGHT NOW.”

And I think she might have growled at me under her breath.

But she took a shower, put on her pajamas and fell fast asleep in approximately 2.1 seconds. Here’s hoping I can do the same because something tells me I’m going to need all my strength for County Fair Day.