Author: Big Mama

Behold the rat.

And his friend, the roach.

I’m not sure if the roach is a new addition or if the guy who was supposed to bring the roach didn’t make it on Wednesday. Maybe he was tired of lugging that giant roach around so he called in sick and said, “Dude, if you want this roach then you can come get it yourself.” Or maybe too many people thought they were protesting The Tale of Despereaux and they decided it might clarify things to add a roach.

Anyway, I felt that y’all needed to see a photo of the rat to fully appreciate it so I took that picture as I walked out of the hotel this morning. And then I spent the next several minutes not looking at all like a tourist as Sophie and I wandered the streets of New York while I held my phone up and took eight hundred pictures that look like some version of this:

I feel that they really capture the essence of the city and my sub-par photography skills. Also, if you happen to know the man in the pink shirt crossing the street, please let him know that he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sophie and I walked until we found the nearest Starbucks and then headed to go get pedicures. As we walked down Madison Avenue I was kind of feeling a little bit of pride at how fearlessly I was crossing all the side streets. I was just boldly stepping off the curb like a real New Yorker. And then, in what is a recurring theme in my life, I began to overthink the whole process and at the next intersection I walked halfway out into the street, chickened out when I saw a cab coming and totally headed back to the corner from whence I came. I’m sure no one who witnessed that scene suspected that I was just in town for a few days.

Anyway, Sophie and I are here because Ree had to be in the city for a few days and invited us to tag along so we could all pretend we were like the Real Housewives of New York. But without all the catfights and excessive amounts of wine. Although we do throw around quotes from the show like “I miss the sophistication of the city” and “I’m coming from a place of yes” because they never cease to amuse us.

Oh, and Ree also was scheduled to tape a segment for a television show.

Maybe you’ve heard of it.

And can we talk about how much I love that chart right under The View sign that demonstrates what to do when you cough? Television is very glamorous.

So we arrived at the ABC studio where they film the show and they took us back to a long hallway lined with various dressing rooms. I was sitting on the couch next to Sophie while Ree was off somewhere getting her hair and makeup touched up when I heard someone yell down the hall, “I want you to come meet Benjamin Bratt”.

Well, you better believe I shot off that sofa like someone had just fired me out of a cannon and tried to nonchalantly stand in the doorway holding my phone like I was texting when I was really trying to take a picture. My plan was working beautifully until the producer informed me that they don’t allow pictures backstage. They were coming from a place of no with the pictures.

However, I did take this picture of a picture hanging on the wall.

I’m just so glad I’ll have that photo to remember the whole experience.

And I have to report that Benjamin Bratt is very handsome and very tall. I have this thing about knowing how tall actors are because Gulley and I went to the Regis and Kelly Show about eight years ago and I was astounded at how miniature everyone was in real life. I could fit Kelly Ripa in my pocket and still have room for a tube of lipgloss and maybe a pack of gum. Except I don’t put things in my pockets because it ruins the line of your clothes. Consider that your Fashion Friday tip of the week.

(On a totally different fashion related note, everyone in this city is wearing leggings and flats. It’s a flat epidemic. Flats everywhere. And the occasional gladiator-type sandal.)

The other guest was Andre Leon Talley from Vogue magazine. And I don’t want to say that The View is copying me, but they totally did an entire segment called Fashion Friday. Coincidence? Doubtful.

After a few more minutes in the dressing room the producers came and led us all downstairs. Ree walked out on stage to film her segment while we watched in the green room. And then it was all over. It will air today at whatever time your ABC channel shows The View. If you’re in San Antonio and have Dish Network, I can tell you it will be on channel 12 at 10:00 a.m. If you live anywhere else or have another cable provider, I cannot help you at all.

Then last night we went to Nobu and ate sushi and some black cod with miso that may have altered my life permanently. And I ate a dessert called Milk Chocolate Yuzu Cake that looked more like a piece of art than something edible but that didn’t stop me from eating the entire thing and contemplate licking my plate to make sure I didn’t miss anything. The whole meal will go down as one of the best meals I’ve ever had. EVER.

But more than anything it’s just been a sweet time with sweet friends who really aren’t anything like the Real Housewives of New York. Except that we all believe in coming from a place of yes.

And we will miss the sophistication of the city.

Y’all have a great Friday.

Well, I’m in New York.

I know.

I didn’t mention it earlier because I have this whole pessimistic thing going on where I don’t really believe something is going to happen until it actually happens. (I’m working on that. I really am.) But yesterday morning I woke up at the crack of awful, my dad picked me up, drove me to the airport, and I boarded a plane for New York City. (Please say “New York City” like they used to say it on those Pace picante commercials because that’s how it’s playing in my head.)

Actually I boarded a plane for Dallas first. Once I landed in Dallas I caught the airport tram to haul myself and my extremely overpacked carry-on bag to Gate A39. All was well and fine until they announced that my flight to JFK was now departing from Gate A14. You wouldn’t think that A39 would be that far from A14, but you would be wrong. Especially considering the fact that I was carrying a sound machine in my purse because I am a high maintenance traveler and don’t think I wouldn’t haul my body pillow through the airport if I could get away with it. I enjoy the comforts of home. And the sound of soft rain falling when I sleep.

Eventually American Airlines finally committed to a gate and I got in line to board the plane. I always start to get a little nervous when I board the plane because WHAT IF THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MY CARRY-ON BAG? And what if I hold up the entire boarding process of the plane while I try to figure it out? Fortunately there was an entire open luggage compartment and I mustered all my strength and possibly threw out my back trying to lift my bag. However, once I got it up there it appeared that it would only fit horizontally. So I left it that way. But then I realized the guy behind me was giving me the dirtiest look you can imagine because my horizontal bag didn’t leave any room for his bag. It was an unintentional error on my part and I started to apologize, but before I could even get the words out of my mouth he shoved my bag to the side, turned it horizontally and stored his bag next to mine. All while giving me the stinkeye.

Looking at him, I quietly said, “Sorry, I didn’t think it would fit that way.” But what I wanted to say was “Dude, settle down. It’s just luggage.” I don’t think he saw it that way.

I spent a large part of the flight reading various periodicals. I wish I could say that if you have any questions about the budget deficit or how the federal reserve rates are influencing the economy that I know the answer. The truth is that if you want to know about Kate Gosselin’s attitude on Dancing With The Stars or how Sandra Bullock is dealing with all her marital woes, then I am your girl. When it comes to current celebrity trivia I am en fuego.

After I arrived in New York, I caught (hailed?) a cab driven by a fellow named Harjab. From what I could tell Harjab appeared to be having some sort of spat with someone and spent most of the thirty minute cab ride yelling into his cell phone and then hanging up. Then he’d answer the phone again, yell some more, and hang up. All while driving across the Queensboro Bridge and nearly steering us right into a lane already occupied by a city bus. But other than my life span being shortened by about ten years from sheer terror, Harjab eventually got me to the hotel.

I checked into my room and immediately took a shower because two planes plus New York cab plus eighty degrees equals ick. Refreshed and relaxed, I stretched out on the bed and came to two conclusions about why I could never live in New York.

1. I have a tendency to get carsick. If I had to spend even a few minutes a week being driven around in stop and go traffic while riding in the backseat of a hot car, I’d never survive. On the plus side, it might be an effective diet plan.

2. While I was laying on the bed, I began to hear loud drumbeats right outside the window. I thought there was some kind of street musical going on or something and I was all OH NEW YORK! You amuse me with your street music! But then I looked outside and saw several men yelling through megaphones, six drummers drumming, ten lords a leaping and the biggest fake rat I’ve ever seen. (Not that I’ve seen that many fake rats in my day, but this one was like ten feet tall and standing on two legs.) It turned out to be some sort of construction workers strike or something like that even though the rat confused me for a minute and I thought maybe they were protesting The Tale of Despereaux. All I know is I’d hate to be the guy in charge of bringing the rat every morning.

But then last night I ate some of the most delicious pasta I’ve ever had in my life, walked by St. Patrick’s Cathedral and took in the sights of Madison Avenue, and all was forgiven.

New York, you’re a little loud but you make up for it with a lot of style.

And ten foot tall fake rats.