Author: Big Mama

  • The trip afield

    Wow. They aren’t kidding about that whole killer whale thing.

    Shamu – 1 Melanie – 0

    That’s not a photo of the real Shamu leaping out of the perfectly landscaped flowers, by the way. I wish I had one to share with you but my iPhone doesn’t come with a telephoto lens and it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because I was too busy counting heads and making sure no one decided to run off in search of cotton candy to take close up photos of a whale. Plus, I’m assuming you’ve seen one before and don’t really need a visual aid.

    Yesterday morning I got up a little earlier than usual because I knew I’d need the extra time to pack two sack lunches and get us all sunscreened up in preparation for our day o’ fun. I dropped Caroline off at school so she could ride the school bus to Sea World with her class and headed to meet them in my own car. Her teacher had sent a note home asking parents to please take their own cars because there wouldn’t be enough room for everyone on the school bus and for that I am forever grateful. I didn’t really handle the school bus experience that well when I was actually in school, so you can only imagine what my late thirties have done to me in terms of transportation flexibility.

    I arrived about thirty minutes before the bus and huddled together with a group of parents as we attempted to stay warm. What none of us counted on was that the temps (What am I? A meteorologist? Temps?) were in the high 50’s and we’d all dressed like it was in the high 80’s because we live in San Antonio and it’s the end of April and it’s always in the high 80’s by the end of April. Who needs to watch the weather this time of year? The forecast is HOT AND GETTING HOTTER. Except for yesterday. If any of the gift shops had been open they would have made a killing selling Shamu sweatshirts for $50 a pop.

    Eventually the kids arrived and I was assigned my own little group of five girls, including Caroline, to guide through the park. We spent the morning learning about the differences between sea lions and seals, how many pounds of snow are produced in the penguin exhibit each day, and why you should never, EVER pick up a fake fingernail that you find on the ground. (I personally conducted that last lecture and I feel it will be a life lesson that will benefit and perhaps scar them all forever.)

    The girls fed the sea lions and the dolphins.

    They tried to feed the alligators but they weren’t hungry. I didn’t miss the opportunity to tell them that the alligators were probably full from eating a first grader that wandered away from their field trip chaperone. Don’t judge me. That park was swarming with kids and I did what had to be done.

    Caroline fell in love with the shark exhibit and the coral reefs full of fish and asked for my phone so she could take pictures. At the end of the day there were about 276 photos of everything from someone’s foot to the sandwich she ate for lunch, but she did take one picture that I think looks a little bit like a piece of colorful, yet blurry, art.

    Or maybe I just think that because I’m her mother. And I’m really tired.

    After lunch, everyone was herded into Shamu’s stadium for an educational lesson on killer whales and then when it was over we walked five miles to listen to a two minute presentation about sea lions. Totally worth it.

    Finally it was time to get the kids back on the bus. I walked Caroline and the other girls to the meeting spot, told her I loved her and asked for a hug. She said, “MOM. I NEED TO GET ON THE BUS. I’M GOING TO BE LATE.” and got on the bus just like she was fifteen years old. Whatever happened to “Thank you, mama, for spending your entire day at Sea World when you could have spent that time trying to get your eyebrows under control or folding the laundry that’s been sitting on top of the dryer for two weeks.”?

    I got in my car, turned on some music to take me to my happy place, and headed to Happy Hour.

    Many of you have mentioned that you aren’t familiar with Sonic or that they don’t have them where you live. I’m not one to tell people what to do, but you really need to put your house on the market and move TOOT SUITE to a town that has a Sonic. You are living a shadow of what your life could be.

    Then I got home and made Ree’s French Breakfast Puffs for Bible Study tomorrow morning while I sang “I’m Every Woman” by Whitney Houston.

    And I ate one of them. Or maybe two.

    Three at the most.

    And then we ordered sushi for dinner because we are cold and heartless creatures who were apparently unmoved by all the sea life we communed with throughout the day.

    A long time ago, before I had a child, a woman told me in all seriousness that the worst part of raising kids was having to endure the theme parks. Even after yesterday’s field trip, I don’t agree with that statement. I still contend that the worst part of raising kids is having to take them to the zoo.

    Because, the smell of the penguin habit notwithstanding, Sea World is not a bad place to spend a day.

    Especially with a six-year-old who won’t be six forever.

  • I apologize for the lameness contained herein

    I know I said this was going to be a week of schmaltz and sentiment, not to be confused with a week of posts dedicated to rendered goose fat, but I may have overstated it. Or maybe I purged my soul of all sap and sentiment yesterday. Or maybe I’m just tired.

    And that is why I probably need to get in bed. Because tomorrow (which will be today by the time you read this) I’m going on a field trip to Sea World with about 100 first graders. May God have mercy on my soul.

    However, here are a few quick things I’ll share before I go into a deep meditative state to mentally prepare myself for the field trip experience.

    1. I think Gulley’s shirt from yesterday’s post came from Old Navy. Or maybe it was Gap.

    2. You have been so faithful to listen as I poured out my heart about all my issues with chicken and bemoaned the absence of Tyson roasted chicken breasts at HEB. Which is why you will understand the sheer joy I felt when I discovered Tyson diced chicken breasts in the frozen food section yesterday. It’s already cut up and everything.

    It’s a poultry miracle.

    3. Speaking of food, I’m in desperate need of some type of summertime dessert that will help me not feel deprived but is good enough to make me put down the chocolate chip cookies. In other words, I need something quick, easy and low in calories that won’t make me feel like I’m eating chocolate-flavored cardboard.

    4. Someone asked in the comments yesterday why I needed to roll AJ’s hair if all I was going to do was put it back in a messy bun. Even messy buns need texture and body. They are supposed to appear effortless and all look at me I just threw my hair back in this semi-artful configuration on my way at the door, but it takes some work and some hot rollers to really make the magic happen.

    5. Don’t forget to visit the Tropicana Juicy Rewards page and enter for a chance to win a $50 gift card from BlogHer. And you read my last post for the GoodNites Bedtime theater campaign right here.

    6. Yes, I realize this is a lame post. But I have to focus on thoughts of sufficient sunscreen, comfortable shoes and refraining from throwing any bratty first graders in with the penguins.

    I hope your day is filled with all good things.

  • Big things in small things

    I’m just going to go ahead and prepare you that this week may be a week of schmaltz and sentiment. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a lot of emotional moments this past weekend or maybe it’s because I’m in the middle of a horrendous bout of PMS. Or maybe it’s because I had to go to church yesterday morning without sufficient time to fix my hair the way I wanted because P thinks the bathroom is a place to catch up on his reading.

    Most likely, it’s some combination therein. Just be warned, SCHMALTZY.

    Which is actually the word I need to use instead of just plain schmaltz since I just looked up schmaltz on wikipedia to make sure I wasn’t going to inadvertently offend anyone and discovered that schmaltz refers to rendered goose fat. Rest assured, there will never be a week that I will focus on rendered goose fat. Especially in light of all my issues with poultry.

    Last Thursday night, my friend A.J. had a date. She’s been in town for all the Fiesta events because she is the official photographer for King Antonio, but on Thursday she was actually attending a party in a non-official capacity. She was just going as a girl with a date.

    She told Gulley and I about the event weeks ago and we begged her to let us do her hair and makeup because we enjoy living vicariously through people who have a social life. It’s not that she isn’t capable of doing her own hair and makeup, but she is a little bit of a tomboy and just can’t be bothered with all that girly stuff most of the time.

    And, honestly, it works for her. She is a natural beauty.

    This is her before shot:

    Can you tell she was so pleased that I wanted to document the experience with photos?

    She showed up at Gulley’s house with freshly washed, damp hair, so I told her we needed to blow dry her hair before we could do anything else and asked, “Did you already put some product in it?”

    “What do you mean product? I used shampoo and conditioner.”

    “You know product? Like volumnizer or some type of styling serum?”

    “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

    Clearly, I have heretofore failed her as a friend and a mentor.

    We introduced her to the power and wonder of styling products and then Gulley began to blow dry her hair. And then I got serious with the hot rollers because that’s how I roll. (Every time. I’m powerless against the pun.)

    She began to look a little nervous so I assured her that it was not my intent to make her look like a member of the cast of Hee-Haw and she said, “What’s Hee-Haw?”

    Then I cried because I am old. And I vividly remember a day (yesterday) when I would openly mock people who make dated cultural references.

    After I secured all the rollers in her hair, Gulley took over with the makeup. Because while I feel secure in my ability to do good hair (name that movie), I’m not as confident when it comes to doing anyone’s makeup other than my own. And, honestly, I could use a lesson in the proper application of eye makeup.

    Gulley began to apply foundation to A.J.’s face while I sat on the edge of the bed and watched. All of a sudden I looked down and noticed she was wearing a pair of camo Toms. Knowing she had open-toed shoes for the party I asked, “Have you painted your toenails?”

    “Yes.”

    Oh, but I know her.

    “When?”

    “I don’t know. A few weeks ago.”

    We made her take off the Toms and the polish was totally chipped and unacceptable. At first she attempted to paint them herself. Even though she totally balked at the hot pink polish I picked out.

    But eventually Gulley couldn’t stand it and took over.

    We are nothing if not a full service operation.

    It was around this time that Caroline and Will came running into the bedroom, stopped right in their tracks and Will yelled, “What are you doing to Alissa?”

    I said, “We’re making her look pretty. She has a date tonight.”

    As they ran back out of the room, I heard Caroline tell Will, “Dates are disgusting. She might kiss a boy. I don’t EVER want to go on a date.”

    Don’t think I’m not going to remind her she said that when she’s fifteen and begging to meet some boy at the movies.

    Ultimately, the makeup was applied, the hair was teased and sprayed until I depleted the ozone, and she was ready to go. We wanted her date to pick her up at Gulley’s house but she declined for some reason. I hope it didn’t have anything to do with the kids’ belief that a whoopee cushion is the best way to break in a new acquaintance.

    Here’s the back of her hair. I only stabbed her with about sixty bobby pins before it was all said and done.

    We made her put on one more swipe of lipgloss, hugged her, gushed about how beautiful she looked and sent her on her way. And then we cried just a little bit.

    Because here’s the thing. Thursday night was the three year anniversary of her mother’s death from pancreatic cancer. And her mother was one of the most loving, beautiful women I’ve ever known. She had a smile that could light up a room and a way of making everyone she came in contact with feel like they were the most special person she’d ever met. In the time that I knew her she taught me so much about being a good wife and mother just by her actions.

    A.J. is such a tomboy, but her mother was more of a girly girl. There were many times when we’d walk out the door to go somewhere and she’d holler, “Don’t forget to put on some lipstick!” or “Get back in here and put on some earrings!”

    At the time Gulley and I pleaded to do A.J.’s hair and makeup for the party, neither of us realized the significance of the day. We just thought it would be fun. And when it did dawn on us, neither of us knew if we should even bring it up.

    But that night as we rolled her hair and helped her with her eyeliner, she said, “Kay is up in heaven dancing with Jesus because y’all are making me paint my toenails hot pink.”

    This story isn’t about Gulley and me helping A.J. get ready for a date. It’s about God’s faithfulness.

    Gulley and I met A.J. twelve years ago when we were chaperoning a ski trip and she was a fifteen-year old girl who fascinated us with her stories of spending summers doing Outward Bound Adventure camps and using leaves as toilet paper. Honestly, I think we got on her nerves with all our questions, but she was the closest thing to a pioneer that we’d ever encountered and we were fascinated.

    Back then none of us could have known what the next twelve years would bring. We couldn’t have imagined that her mother would be gone and she might need a few women in her life to fill just a little bit of that gap. But God knew.

    Even though Thursday night was just about some hot pink nail polish and lipstick, it was a reminder for me of how faithful He is even in the small things. A reminder that He sees the whole picture even when we don’t and to everything there is indeed a time, a plan, a purpose.

    And plenty of hair product.

  • Fashion Friday: Edition the best part of the swimsuit experience

    Today is Battle of Flowers in San Antonio which is basically a holiday that the city made up over a hundred years ago to honor the heroes of the Alamo and commemorate the victory at the battle of San Jacinto. It’s also an official school holiday which means I don’t have to get up and make a ham sandwich at 7:00 a.m. only to have it later rejected in favor of the school cafeteria’s offering of a baked potato.

    Viva Fiesta.

    Freedom from tyranny, freedom from Mexico, freedom from having to wake up super early and pack a lunch.

    And speaking of freedom, let’s discuss the beauty of the swimsuit coverup.

    (How else am I supposed to transition from the men who fought and died for Texas to what looks best over a swimsuit?)

    1. Coverups that look like a dress or tunic

    My favorite part of the swimming pool experience, other than the delicious chicken fingers, ice cream sandwiches, and the occasional white wine spritzer, is the moment that I can put on my coverup. I like to keep it nearby at all times so I can immediately throw it on like a beloved security blanket. Plus, it’s easy to find so many great coverups because you don’t have to worry about pesky things like underwire and tummy control panels.

    I love this medallion tunic by Becca.

    But there are so many other cute options that I don’t even know how I’ll choose. In fact, I may have already decided that I like this one better.

    Of course last year I headed down to El Mercado and found the best Mexican tunic that I wore as a coverup all summer long. Oh my gosh, look how cute this bubble top is.

    LOVE.

    Other great places to look for the perfect coverup are TJ Maxx and Marshalls, but I can’t link to any of those so you’ll just have to go dig through the racks and see what you can find.

    2. Coverups that are just shorts or a skirt

    Personally, I’m a fan of the coverup that is one easy piece, but I realize some of you may prefer to just throw on a skirt or a pair of shorts and I don’t want to discriminate.

    Athleta has a great selection of swim shorts and skirts that can actually be worn in the water which is perfect if you’re looking for a little thigh coverage. (And who isn’t?)

    But there are so many skirts and shorts that make perfect coverups even if you have to take them off when you get in the pool.

    3. Flip-flops (You complete me.)

    I believe it was Davy Crockett who first said, “There’s nothing better in the summertime than a good pair of flip-flops and a coonskin hat.”

    And he was right. Summer shoes are so much fun because flip-flops are often inexpensive and you can buy them in an array of colors to match any outfit. Although I did have someone tell me this week that they will eventually ruin your feet and cause you to walk around hobbled in your older years. That’s a chance I’m willing to take.

    I also love every single pair of these and would like to bring them home and make them mine.

    Oh. And these.

    I was going to get into a whole discussion on beach bags but I have to get to bed. I don’t want to be too tired to properly Fiesta this weekend. Although all that really means for me is that I may stay up until 9 or maybe even 10 ‘o clock on Saturday night.

    Y’all have a great weekend.

  • Things I need to discuss

    If there ever comes a day when you hear rumors that I’ve ended up in some sort of institution, there’s a good chance it will be directly linked to helping Caroline learn her spelling words for the week. I try, I TRY, to be so patient and understanding but when she starts in with the deep sighs and the “I KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT” yet continues to write “allreade” instead of “already” and insist that’s the way it’s supposed to be spelled? Let’s just say that I have to channel Frank Costanza and start telling myself “Serenity now, serenity now, SERENITY NOW”.

    So I’m just going to do a quick rundown of a few things because I need to take a nerve pill and curl up in the fetal position.

    1. Yesterday I made homemade salsa in the blender and was just about to pour it into the container when I accidentally hit the power button again. I’m sad to report that the lid was not on the blender at the time. Honestly, as I surveyed the salsa carnage, I thought it might be easier to just burn the whole kitchen to the ground and start over rather than attempt to clean it up.

    And while we’re talking about my kitchen, it’s still not turquoise.

    2. On Tuesday I burned my thumb while I was putting hot rollers in my hair. I’m not sure how I made such a rookie mistake considering I’ve hot rolled my hair at least three times a week for the last thirty years (with the exception of a few years in the late 80’s when I just rocked the spiral perm) but I think it was because I was experimenting with a new roller method where I roll the crown of my hair under and then use a curling iron on the bottom layers.

    Anyway, I tweeted about my burn because I needed to share my pain and someone named Jenny tweeted back and said that I should put toothpaste on it and cover it with a band-aid for a few hours. I figured I had nothing to lose because it had to work as well as what I was currently using to try to ease the pain, which was a mixture of sticking ice on it, cursing the day hot rollers were created, and complaining about the pain to anyone who would listen.

    And y’all. It totally worked. The blister went away and my thumb will live to see another day.

    3. A few of you asked how I make my choffee. It’s a seriously complicated recipe that involves making half a cup of hot chocolate with Ghiradelli’s Double Chocolate hot chocolate mix with milk and then pouring it into a half cup of coffee. It’s usually just my winter time drink, but for some reason it has made the transition into spring with me this year.

    4. I was going to save this for a future Fashion Friday, but I’m doing a whole thing on cover-ups and beach accessories tomorrow and I cannot wait another week to show you what I found.

    Ollipop rings.

    I’m in love with all of them, but I think that one is my favorite.

    5. It seems like I had something else to tell you or another question I was going to answer, but I’m drawing a total blank. I guess it’s allreade time for me to call it a day.

    But if you think of something I forgot to mention, feel free to leave it in the comments and I’ll add it to this list before the day is over.

  • Poultry is my kryptonite

    I made an extensive grocery store list on Monday morning because I’d spent most of last week just trying to piecemeal some pantry items together and call it dinner. But the jig was finally up on Monday morning because P was out of Coffeemate and, while we can live on leftover Easter ham for a scandalous amount of time, we aren’t complete barbarians who drink our coffee black.

    Of course I drink choffee (half hot chocolate, half coffee…patent pending) in the morning so it really makes no difference to me if we run out of Coffeemate, but it’s P’s lifeblood. As evidenced by the fact that he goes through a large bottle of it every other week.

    As I made a list comprised of every household item or foodstuff imaginable, I decided to take a more organized approach and actually plan out some meals for the week as opposed to my usual method of getting home from the store, unpacking all my groceries and realizing that I have cupboards full of delicious snack items but dinner comprised of Cheetos and powdered Donettes does not a meal make. (Contrary to what I believed in college.)

    One of my goals was to make the No Knead Bread that Sophie mentioned last week because, ever since I made Ree’s cinnamon rolls last fall, I’ve experienced some freedom from my fear of the yeast. But once I read through the bread recipe, I realized that I don’t own a proper Dutch oven. I didn’t feel like my current version of a Dutch oven with synthetic handles could handle the heat required to bake the bread, so I’ve had to shelf my dream until I can purchase some better cookware.

    Honestly, I feel like the only thing standing between me and a career as a wildly successful food blogger is my lack of proper cookware. Well, that and the fact that everyone already knows how to make tacos from Old El Paso’s Taco Kit.

    I’m just so glad that when P and I got married we received some lovely china that takes up vast amounts of cabinet space and has been used exactly two times, but yet I don’t own one pan that allows me to make homemade bread for my family. I’m sure I received a very nice Dutch oven and returned it so I could have store credit to go towards that expensive navy plaid Ralph Lauren comforter that now serves as the dogs’ bed in the winter time. People shouldn’t be allowed to register for nice things when they’re twenty-six years old and believe that marital bliss is ensured by the number of monogrammed silver frames they receive.

    As God is my witness, I will get myself a Dutch oven and I will bake my bread.

    In the meantime, I had to come up with some other dinner options. I’m fairly certain P had an allergic reaction to HEB’s rotisserie chicken (I can’t even go down that road right now.) so I decided to overcome my fear of dealing with raw poultry and bought a couple of packages of boneless, skinless chicken breasts to bake and use in various recipes throughout the week.

    I unwrapped the chicken, placed it on a baking sheet, seasoned it and baked it at 350 degrees until it was thoroughly cooked. And then I took a Silkwood shower.

    But it has been totally worth it because I made a big batch of homemade chicken salad for us to all eat for lunch this week and I cooked chicken cakes for dinner last night. However, we have no homemade bread to go with everything because I believe I may have mentioned my lack of a Dutch oven.

    A few weeks ago, I talked about Gulley’s chicken salad and several of you asked for the recipe. Or maybe I just made that up in my head. It’s possible. But I’ll share it anyway because it is delicious and not too mayonnaise-y and that’s my primary criteria for any type of luncheon salad.

    Gulley’s Chicken Salad (adapted from Southern Living)

    4 cups chopped cooked chicken
    1/2 cup mayonnaise
    1/3 cup shredded parmesan
    3 green onions, chopped
    3 celery ribs, chopped
    3 tablespoons toasted pecans, chopped
    salt and pepper to taste

    It’s up to you how fine you chop the ingredients and you are certainly welcome to add more mayonnaise if you feel the need. Stir everything together and chill. (The chicken salad. Although you are certainly welcome to kick back and relax.)

    Best of all, it doesn’t require a Dutch oven. But if you’re feeling fancy you can serve it on that china that you never use.