Author: Big Mama

Last Thursday night P and I watched the weather because it’s what we do. We even record the 6:00 evening news on the DVR specifically to watch the weather forecast so that we can watch it again on the 10:00 news and see if the forecast is the same as it was four hours earlier. The phrase you’re looking for is BIG NERDS.

But nothing really makes us happier than the opportunity to mock the weatherman. Which is why we were so happy when Thursday’s forecast (at both 6 and 10 o’clock) called for rain sometime between Friday and Tuesday. There is no other profession in the world that allows you to be that completely and totally vague.

“We project that fourth quarter earnings will be somewhere between four and sixty percent.”

So it should have come as no surprise that it was pouring down rain when we woke up Friday morning and continued to rain all day long. And it should come as even less as a surprise that I chose to spend most of the day curled up on the couch taking a nap. It was delightful. There was even thunder and lightning which, combined with torrential rain, is the weather trifecta for a big wanna be meteorologist nerd like myself.

And that’s the most exciting thing I have to report from the weekend.

Except for a little incident at Sonic on Sunday afternoon.

Y’all know I love the Sonic. I do. I love the Sonic.

After church on Sunday Caroline wanted to go swim at Mimi and Bops’ house even though it was completely cloudy outside and the pool was somewhere between I-would-rather-die and are-you-insane degrees. We called Gulley to see if Jackson wanted to join Caroline in her attempt to become a member of the Polar Bear Club and he said yes because kids are completely immune to things like frigid temperatures and the fact that swimming is more enjoyable when there is actually sunlight.

So I told Gulley we’d come pick him up right after we made an emergency stop at Sonic because I was completely out of Diet Coke. (Yes. I know I quit Diet Coke about a year ago. But sometimes a girl needs a Diet Coke. I try to practice moderation.) Caroline wanted a cherry slush, Jackson requested that we get him a Dr. Pepper and I decided to order some tater tots with a side of mozzarella sticks. For the children. I’m always thinking of the children.

I pulled up to the window to pay and swiped my debit card through that little debit card thing. The guy handed me our order and then asked me if the debit card thing showed that the purchase was approved. I told him it didn’t show anything, so he asked for my card and said he’d run it through himself.

Eight minutes later ( I KID YOU NOT BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING AT THE CLOCK IN MY CAR) he still had my debit card and had offered no explanation as to what was going on. Finally, he slid open the window and said, “Our credit card machine is down. I’m going to need you to pull over to the side and wait until it starts working again.”

“Umm. Do you have any idea when that’s going to be?”

“No, I have no idea. But I need you to pull over to the side and wait.”

“Okay, here’s the thing. I have somewhere I’m supposed to be. I can’t just wait here indefinitely until you get your credit card machine to work.”

(Granted, I don’t know that the pool at Mimi and Bops’ house really counts as somewhere I have to be. But I wasn’t entirely sure that the credit card machine wasn’t like the rain forecast and it might work anytime between now and next Thursday.)

“Well, do you have cash?”

“No. I don’t have cash because that’s what my debit card is for.”

(I figured he didn’t need to hear my entire history with cash and how I don’t really trust myself to carry cash because it disappears and I can’t account for its whereabouts.)

(P, I’m not talking about a lot of money. Just $15.00)

“You’re just going to have to wait.”

So in my sweetest voice I said, “Yeah, I’m going to need to talk to someone about another option because, as much as I love Sonic, I can’t really sit in your parking lot all day.”

Finally a manager appeared at the window and told me not to worry about it. They’d comp the charges. I explained that wasn’t really necessary because I visit the Sonic anywhere between two and six times a week and would be happy to pay them the money at my next visit. He said that would be fine and we drove away.

Caroline said, “Mama, why did he try to make us wait?”

“Well, because their machine is broken and they wanted us to wait until it was fixed.”

She said, “They must have not known you have an IMPATIENT GIRL in the back seat. I think they’re crazy.”

Exactly.

But now I feel like I have to make time to go back to Sonic later today and give them the five dollars I owe them. And maybe order some tater tots while I’m there as a way to say thank you for not making me wait in the parking lot yesterday.

Purely unselfish reasons that have nothing at all to do with the delicious crispiness of the Sonic tater tot.

Yesterday morning Caroline wanted to walk to school and I agreed because it is a rare morning that we’re actually ready in time to walk. It’s not that the walking takes so long as much as it is all the stopping to look at rocks or walking along the curb like it’s a balance beam. But we had plenty of time and I thought it would be a nice change from our usual morning routine of me bringing the car to a rolling stop and telling her to jump.

Of course that was before I walked outside and realized the humidity level was hovering around 184%. I’ve been in swimming pools that didn’t feel as wet as the air. Needless to say, things did not turn out well for my hair.

After I got home I drove over to my sister’s house to babysit my nephew, Luke. He is five months old which is right about the age that I find babies to be completely irresistible because their little thighs get all fat and they laugh at you with their little toothless grins, but they’re still content to sit and stare at a ceiling fan like it’s the best thing they’ve ever seen. And then they’re all “What is this? My foot? Oh I’m going to put it in my mouth because I can.” So it’s not really an inconvenience to spend a few hours getting a baby fix.

While I was there I watched The Today Show. Normally, it makes me feel like I might throw my shoe through the television to watch it for any amount of time, but they were doing a segment on foods that are supposed to make your stomach flatter and I was intrigued because who doesn’t want to know more about that? I will share my newfound flat stomach knowledge with you because I am all about sharing some science.

According to some girl on the show (I can’t remember her name or what qualifies her as an expert on this topic), there are a group of foods called MUFAs. At first I was confused because I wasn’t sure what the dad from The Lion King had to do with a flat stomach, but apparently it’s an acronym that stands for monounsaturated fatty acids. New research shows that eating MUFA foods can help you burn fat in your stomach area. And you know what the MUFAs are? Olive oil, nuts and seeds, avocados, olives, and dark chocolate. Are you kidding me? I EAT ALL THOSE THINGS. Why isn’t my stomach flatter? Is the science flawed or is it that I eat my avocados on top of tortilla chips covered in beans and cheese and my dark chocolate in syrup form over a bowl of ice cream? It’s hard to know.

Later in the day, the Cheetah Girls had our last practice of the season. I think they’ve really grown over the course of the season because they actually listened to P for at least three seconds before they all began twirling in circles or doing cartwheels while he tried to explain that the object of soccer is to score goals.

And then we came home, ate dinner, and got ready for bed.

As I tucked Caroline in, she reminded me that her library book is due tomorrow and we hadn’t read it yet because we’re in the middle of another book right now. She asked if I’d read it to her before bed, so I went in the kitchen and grabbed Shark and Dolphin by Rod Theodorou and Carole Telford. We snuggled in together and I began to read the first page:

“Many people think that sharks attack hundreds of people every year, but this is not true! Most species of shark are harmless. About 30 to 50 shark attacks are reported throughout the world each year. Far more people are killed by bees or in horse-riding accidents.”

What the heck? Worst bedtime story ever. Thanks for that, Mr. Theodorou.

In other news, we still haven’t caught the mouse. Which I find to be even more disturbing than bees or horses or why my stomach isn’t flatter considering my vast intake of avocados in the form of guacamole and chocolate in the form of anything edible.

It is with deep sadness and regret that I inform you that there is a still a mouse on the loose. Apparently he prefers Simply Good trail mix instead of a piece of cheese with peanut butter on top. Probably because he’s concerned with his intake of high fructose corn syrup.

On the plus side, your comments yesterday were priceless. Maybe it’s some kind of sickness, but I loved knowing I am not alone in my struggle against unwanted wildlife. My particular favorite came from Melanie at This Ain’t New York who wrote, “Once a rat is picky about his toast, there is no living with them.” Don’t I know it, sister. Don’t I know it.

I’m also still trying to get over my cold (it’s not allergies) and fighting my disappointment over the whole Supreme Court thing. I really thought the fact that I graduated from Texas A&M while on academic probation would push me over the edge.

So instead of a comprehensive, cohesive post, I’m just going to share a few quick things so I can take my Sudafed and curl up in a very small place.

A. Dear Sun Chips, I appreciate that you are trying to be environmentally friendly. However, your new bags are so loud that my husband thinks I’m grinding coffee beans every time I reach for a Peppercorn Ranch chip. The obnoxiousness of your bag is hindering my enjoyment of the chip.

B. On Saturday one of the little girls on our soccer team told me that she ran so hard she was almost “self-conscious”. I totally understood what she was saying because I also suffer from feeling self-conscious when I run. However, she then went on to tell me she was so tired that she thought she might pass out and lose self-consciousness. That’s when I realized she was trying to tell me she might become unconscious.

I liked it better the first way.

C. My friend, Ross King, has a new CD out for kids called “Words That Rhyme With Orange”. Ross is such a great songwriter and I have fallen in love with the CD and so has Caroline. You can hear some clips from it on his website and you can click over here for a chance to win one for yourself. I’m giving away three copies.

D. I so appreciate that so many of you want me to try the neti pot, but it’s never going to happen. I bought one about a year ago and the whole process just freaked me out. It was worse than eating water chestnuts.

I prefer to get through my cold/sinus issues with a little method I like to call complaining loudly.

E. Is it wrong that I totally covet Casey James’ hair?

F. I packed Caroline’s lunch yesterday and she came home from school with her entire sandwich still intact. I asked her what happened and she said there was “a change of plans” and she bought a corn dog instead. So I explained that we can check the school menu every morning and decide before I slave over a ham sandwich if she’d rather buy her lunch.

She told me that wouldn’t work because she needs to smell the cafeteria food before she can make her final decision.

I’d like to be annoyed but she totally gets that from me.

And that’s all I have for today.

Goodbye and thank you.

Hello.

How was your Mother’s Day?

Mine was great. I decided to celebrate by coming down with a case of the plague and taking enough cold medicine to kill a horse. Or at least enough to help a horse breath comfortably through the night. Unfortunately all it did for me was to clear one half of my nose and cause my heart to feel like it was going to beat out my chest. And then I came crashing down from my Sudafed high around 1:00 p.m. yesterday and passed out for the bulk of the afternoon. Which was kind of like a vacation but with severe pain in my sinus cavity.

The best part of my Mother’s Day celebration was Friday. (Oh, sweet Friday, when I was still able to breathe like a normal human being and didn’t feel like aliens had invaded my skull) Caroline’s teacher arranged for the class to host a Mother’s Day tea party and it was about the sweetest thing I’ve ever attended. The kids escorted us into the classroom where we were treated to an array of handmade gifts, a photo slideshow, and a song. I seriously cried about three times before it was all over.

And you’ll be glad to know that Caroline didn’t wear her swimsuit coverup and instead chose a lovely pink sundress. I’ll spare you all the theatrics that went into the final decision, but will share that at one point she sighed and said, “I wish I had prettier clothes”. Which is kind of an ironic statement coming from someone who wants to wear cut off jean shorts every single day of the week in spite of a closet full of cute outfits. I don’t know that you have any credibility on what constitutes “cute” when your favorite t-shirt is from a dance camp you attended a year ago and says “GIRL POWER” on the front.

The Cheetah Girls had a soccer game on Saturday morning. We played the best game we’ve played all season and the girls managed to play hard the whole time even though they didn’t have any fruit for a halftime snack which almost led to a mutiny. If they worried as much about scoring goals as they do about eating three pieces of pineapple at halftime, we’d be undefeated.

By the time we got home on Saturday I was well on my way to getting sick. I knew I felt slightly feverish in the car on the way home, but was in denial because I didn’t want to be sick. The springtime cold just feels wrong. Colds are for the winter when you can curl up in bed and know you’re not missing anything. A cold in the springtime just feels like a fraud, especially because everyone wants to tell you it’s probably just allergies. IT’S NOT ALLERGIES.

On Saturday afternoon, Caroline was invited to go to the bat cave with some friends. And as much as I wish that meant she went to the home of Batman and Robin, it just means that she went to a cave outside of town where people go to watch millions of bats fly out at dusk. Apparently there are people who want to see this kind of thing and my daughter is one of them. I prefer to see bats more like NEVER.

So I was in my pajamas by 4:00 Saturday afternoon and my daughter was out on the town viewing bats and eating dinner until around 9:30. I’m not sure what has happened to my life.

I didn’t make it to church on Sunday because I felt terrible and Caroline decided she’d stay home and take care of me since it was Mother’s Day. She offered to bring me breakfast in bed, but she couldn’t get the box of cereal open so she asked me if I’d open the box and go ahead a fix her a bowl of cereal while I was in there. But she did create a little scavenger hunt for me to find the Mother’s Day card she made for me and it was really sweet.

Late Sunday afternoon I felt a little bit better so we ventured out to treat ourselves to a little ice cream.

And then I took some more Sudafed.

And that was our day.

Oh, except for this. After I put Caroline to bed, I came out into the living room and P was watching Black Hawk Down which he’s only seen about sixty-four other times. There is nothing he likes more than to point out actors and try to make me guess what other movies they’ve been in and at least half the time he doesn’t even know the answer. He just wants to drive me crazy until I cave and look it up online.

He’s asking me about all these different characters and I’m doing my best to figure out the answer and then he points out one guy and asks, “Who is he? He’s that guy that was really popular a few years ago.”

“I don’t know. They all have shaved heads and look alike to me.”

“No. You know who he is! All the high school girls thought he was cute.”

“I have no idea.”

“Yes you do. He played that elf in Gone with the Wind or whatever it was called.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about and saying ‘elf’ and ‘Gone with the Wind’ in the same sentence is blasphemy. Do you mean Lord of the Rings?”

“Yes. Lord of the Rings.”

The fact that I even knew where he was trying to go is a testament of what happens after almost thirteen years of marriage.

“It’s Orlando Bloom.”

“Yes. Orlando Bloom. Why was that so hard?”

I can’t imagine.