UPDATE: Harper is doing much better right now and is stable. You can go here for the full update. I know Kelly and Scott appreciate all the prayers.
For those of y’all who read Kelly’s blog and even those that don’t, she and her sweet baby girl Harper need some serious prayers right now.
I have never put so much effort into something of such low quality. This video has consumed my waking moments for the past 24 hours and I may have even dreamed about it last night.
Last night around 10:30 p.m., I finally called AJ who serves as my tech support person. This is not a position she necessarily wants or has volunteered for, but she knows stuff about computers so she carries this heavy, cumbersome burden on her shoulders.
Fortunately, she happens to be in town babysitting her nephew for the weekend and I headed straight to see her this morning bearing my computer, a faulty camera and Starbucks. It took her all of about three seconds to get the video to upload using some fancy piece of technology, which I would tell you all about but let’s not pretend that I paid attention.
On a completely different note, she complimented my new purse which is huge praise coming from her since she has accused me in the past of liking “Mom bags”. She also told me that a lot of her friends read Big Mama and that blows her mind because, in her words, “you’re not even that cool”.
And, honestly, she’s totally right and this video will only serve to confirm that sad fact. Let me warn you that the quality of the video could not be worse. There are shadows on the wall, the lighting is terrible, and you see half of a deer mount the whole time which looks like a hairy tumor growing out of my wall. It’s enough to make a real cinematographer weep.
However, I feel that y’all are in need of some scarf-tying assistance (let’s not talk about how I say that with a lisp in the video) and I can’t let Angie down. It’s only a matter of time before we get to meet in real life and eat real Mexican food. I am certain of it.
Scarf Tying 101 from Big Mama on Vimeo.
Y’all have a great Friday.
Complete with fabulous scarves.
Y’all.
If ever a week was about to do me in, this would be that week. If I could go back in time and talk to myself last week at this time here is what I would say.
“Girlfriend, deciding to paint an entire backhouse in the name of distracting yourself from going to Target is a bad idea. It is evident that someone who puts off cleaning the bathrooms until the last possible disease-filled moment isn’t necessarily a good candidate for undertaking a massive home improvement project.”
I was actually doing pretty well until Wednesday came along and then I reached my limit because I tried to do too much. I spent the morning helping out in Caroline’s classroom, went to the grocery store, came home and started painting the house, went inside to make Rice Krispy treats for Caroline to take for snack, painted some more, cooked meatloaf for dinner, got Caroline bathed and in bed, and then went to Bible study while simultaneously suffering from massive PMS.
And now I would just like to crawl in bed for a week with a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup the size of my head and all the American Idol that’s waiting for me on my DVR.
So you may be wondering what any of this has to do with fashion.
Yesterday, Angie Smith from Bring The Rain posted a precious video and in this video she called out to me for some scarf-tying assistance. I love Angie and I am never one to turn down a sister in a time of fashion need, so I called Gulley and asked her if she’d like to come over and videotape me doing a scarf-tying demonstration.
Because what else could Gulley possibly have going on that’s more important than that? Feeding her family? Taking care of her children?
She came over and we basically made the most amateur video known to man. The lighting is horrible, there’s a continual clunking sound which I think is her wedding ring hitting the camera, and I sound like I have a lisp every time I say “scarf” or “issues”.
I realize that after that build up, you are dying to see it and, in all honesty, I have never worked so hard to make a big goob out of myself on the internet because I have tried (UNSUCCESSFULLY!) to upload the aforementioned video for the last twelve hours.
I’d like to blame Youtube or Vimeo, but the problem lies somewhere with my camera and my computer and my intellect. However, I have called in technical support that will be arriving later this morning and I will either get the video to work or I will make a brand new one.
It will not beat me.
And I wish in the meantime I could offer some other brilliant fashion advice, but I am completely unprepared because I put all my eggs in the scarf-tying video basket.
I could not be sorrier for my lack of technical skills and abilities and the minions of Satan who have taken over the iMovie feature of my Macbook.
Just know that I will have a video up before the day is over and hopefully it will be about tying scarves.
Last week there was a meeting at Caroline’s school for parents who were interested in having their child tested for the Gifted Program. We’d received a notice about the meeting in Caroline’s school bag right before the holidays but I was way too busy to think about her academic future because SUGAR COOKIES! CANDY CANES! ELF ON A SHELF!
But as the night for the meeting approached, I knew I had to make a decision about whether or not to attend. I mean, obviously P and I think she’s gifted. We knew she was gifted when she could pass gas like a man at only six months old, not to mention the fact that she can spot a deer in the brush at 150 yards.
However, those qualities may not be exactly what Harvard is looking for, although they might be exactly what she needs to get her own hunting show on the Outdoor Channel.
I thought about emailing her teacher to see if she thought we should have her tested. I figured she sees her in the classroom on a daily basis and probably has a better idea of what they are looking for to determine if a child is gifted. The problem is that I really like Caroline’s teacher and didn’t want to send her this potentially awkward email.
Dear Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher,
You know that our precious baby girl Caroline is the light of our lives. We think she is the smartest, most well-adjusted child on the planet. She is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and we have no doubt that she has a brilliant future as an Olympic athlete with a sideline career as the host of an incredibly successful reality television show or a nuclear physicist. In other words, she has the potential to live the American dream.
We’re sure you agree with us that there is no doubt she is gifted, but will you please let us know if you think she’s not.
Sincerely and Totally Unbiased,
P and Big Mama
The other day I received an email from April, the producer of Vicki Courtney’s “Five Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter” DVD’s. She needed me to send her a few pictures of Caroline and me to use in the opening sequences of the study and so I started going through photo albums to pull out a few photos.
Looking at all those old photos made my ovaries and my heart feel like they were going to explode. And I also thought about a conversation Caroline and I had before church last Sunday morning.
“Mama? I’m getting big.”
“Yes, baby. You’re pretty big.”
“Am I almost a teenager?”
“No, we still have about eight years until you’re a teenager.” (We just fight over your wardrobe like you’re one.)
“Mama? How long have you had me?”
“Well, I’ve had you almost five and a half years.”
“That’s not very long.”
“No, it’s not very long.”
“Well then how did I get big so fast?”
That’s the question I keep asking myself.
I can’t even talk about the backhouse.
For that matter, I can barely even type so gnarled and twisted are my fingers from all the scraping.
On Sunday, when P pulled out the camera and began taking pictures, Caroline had to get in on the picture-taking action. She picked up the camera and I agreed to let her take one picture of me.
This is what she shot.
Hello Paris Hilton. I think I have your safety goggles.
Caroline looked at the display window and said, “Oh! You look cute, Mama!”
I replied, “Thanks, babe!”
And then I returned to my own private scraping hell without thinking about the fact that she still had the precious camera in her hands. So I shouldn’t have been surprised when I uploaded pictures and found this.
Apparently she is her own favorite subject.
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