Author: Big Mama

P and I have a neighbor who is…how do I put this nicely? Maybe slightly completely obsessive compulsive in all things related to his yard and home. For example, now that the leaves are finally starting to actually fall, he will be out in his yard with his power blower a minimum of three times a day to blow the leaves out of his pristine yard in our direction because it’s apparent by the surplus of leaves piled up that we aren’t necessarily compulsive about extra foliage in our yard.

His yard honestly looks like a putting green on a golf course ALL the time. Ours looks more like a place where outdoor toys go to die or at least bake in the sun until they are unrecognizeable.

In all fairness, I believe he used to be in the military and continues to run his home in military fashion, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by what we saw Christmas afternoon.

We pulled into our driveway, looked over at his house where there were many cars parked along the side street and honest to goodness, he had placed big orange cones around the perimeter of the cars to caution oncoming drivers.

It made me laugh out loud.

Where do you even purchase orange cones for private use? And, once purchased, is it truly necessary to use them on a slow, residential street on Christmas afternoon? Maybe they were there just in case the five year old down the block got to cruising too fast on the new bike that Santa brought, you know…in case she didn’t see the huge car parked there.

Whew! Good thing for that orange cone…I didn’t even see that cherry red Ford Expedition parked on the side of the road.

And if any of y’all happen to use orange cones outside your home on a regular basis, I’m sure that is very wise and prudent of you. Safety is key.

I’m just saying that if you come to visit the house of Big Mama, y’all better bring your own cones to protect your parked vehicle because it’s not something we have on hand. We just prefer to live dangerously around here.

Many years ago (almost five to be exact), before Gulley left the official work force to become a stay at home mom, she worked in what we affectionately referred to as “the cube” in a large office building. She supervised a group of employees, who for the most part, proved that anyone can get a job if they are in the right place at the right time. As happy as I was for Gulley when she left that job to raise her baby, I was sad for myself because there is no better comedy to be found.

One of her employees was Sister (no relation to Boomama’s Sister) and no, her name wasn’t actually Sister, but it’s how she referred to herself at all times. Sister was the subject of so many hysterical stories that I’ve lost count of all of them. Let’s just say that I called Gulley in the cube on a daily basis to hear the latest Sister story, and there always was one, because Sister wasn’t afraid to say things like “Girl, Sister needs to get some work done on her hemorrhoids”. She also held the distinction of making 364 personal calls in one month. Apparently, Sister had some personal business that needed taking care of.

Anyway, I tell y’all this to tell you the story of Sister and some words of wisdom that we still quote to this day because it really applies this time of year. At the company where Gulley worked, people were always bringing food from home to share with others in the break room. This was especially common during the holidays.

The Christmas that Gulley was pregnant, she walked into the breakroom and there sat Sister who was busy taking a break from all those personal calls. Gulley went to fix a plate of food and Sister said “Girl, you’re pregnant. Don’t go eating off in somebody else deep freeze. You don’t know what people do in their deep freeze. Cheryl brought sausage balls and girlfriend don’t even wash her hands after she goes to the bathroom.”

This time of year, I can’t help but think of Sister’s wise words as I attend holiday functions and look at all the food sitting out. Then, today P called his mama and it seems that she thinks someone dropped something off in her deep freeze out in the garage because there is something in there and she doesn’t know what it is, so obviously someone else put it there and she’s going to throw it away.

P told her to thaw it out and find out what it is before she throws it away, but since she’s convinced some hooligans are wreaking havoc on her deep freeze by placing random objects in it, she’s going to go ahead and get rid of it.

It’s probably for the best since you never know what people do in their own deep freeze, much less someone else’s.

She called back later to report that the unknown item has mysteriously disappeared. So, it seems that someone just borrowed her deep freeze for a while and has now probably taken the mystery item to a party in their office break room.