Author: Big Mama

  • Gratuitous holiday cuteness

    In the last week, Caroline has had two big performances. The first was her school’s re-enactment of the nativity and she was one member of a herd of cows.

    Obviously, she was thrilled.

    The best part of the whole show was at the end when the school director told all the kids to take a bow. No one made a move to actually bow so the director commented, “Well, I guess they’re all too humble.”

    No sooner had she said it, than I looked up and saw Caroline bowing away. In the words of the immortal Mac Davis, “Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble”.

    Her second performance of the week was at her tap and ballet class. Here is a picture of her showing off a sweet move that guarantees we share DNA.


    She also was completely obsessed with the video camera so now I have an abundance of video with her telling me to “turn the screen around so I can see myself” and then once she sees herself, the ham comes out in full force. It doesn’t even matter that she’s not doing any of the same steps as the rest of her class, she just knows she looks good.

    And she’s right.

  • Back in the days when department store Santas were a dime a dozen

    I came across these pictures the other day and thought since it’s Christmas time and all, I would share them with y’all.

    The first is a picture of me with Santa when I was about 2 1/2 years old. Legend has it that my mom had run into Sears to pick up an order, turned around and I was gone. She searched frantically until she looked up and noticed me sitting on Santa’s lap.

    I love this story even more now because it tells me how much Caroline is like her mama. I wasn’t a cup pourer either. I was ready to meet some folk.

    The second picture is my favorite because it’s obvious that this wasn’t a planned trip to see Santa. Please note my sister’s footy pajamas and the rollers in my hair. In all fairness, I did spend over 3/4 of my childhood with pink foam rollers in my hair, but they were usually removed in time for any social occasion.

    I’m also particularly fond of my all denim ensemble and the tough guy vibe I’m putting out. I’m five, I’m in kindergarten, I can count to ten in Spanish…don’t mess with me.


    And is it just me or does that Santa look a little shifty? It’s like he sees an officer of the law out of the corner of his eye and is starting to get a little nervous.

    Another thing about these vintage 70’s Santas (other than their sweet, sweet white thrones with red pom pom fringe) is that they have obviously fake beards. The one at the top looks like he took his girlfriend’s wig from her Diana Ross Halloween costume, dyed it white and stuck in on his face.

    As for the one at the bottom, the more I look at him, the more I’m convinced he might have been a member of the witness protection program.

  • Next up by Mattel…the Barbie free clinic

    Now that my shopping is all done, I can tell y’all what Caroline is getting for Christmas. I debated for a long time over what Santa should bring on Christmas Eve. One of the reasons for this is that Caroline has asked for everything from a big, blue grownup car to a copy of herself. That’s right, she asked me for a copy of herself.

    Self esteem is not an issue for my girl.

    Anyway, I had originally thought that I would get her some type of Leapster/V-smile educational computer type toy. Then, when I was out shopping I discovered Star Station which is basically a karaoke machine that also allows your child to see themselves on television while singing and dancing.

    I decided the heck with education, let’s give her the gift that will keep on giving and teach her skills that will really be useful for the future, singing and dancing in front of a television audience.

    And technically, it is a way to give her a copy of herself, which is what she asked for.

    As I was making my way down the various toy aisles in search of gifts, I spent a lot of time on the Barbie aisle. Caroline had told Santa that she wanted a Barbie, so I looked at all the different choices and decided on the one I thought she would like the best, which also happened to be the one that came with the least amount of small accessories ( my gift to myself). While on the Barbie aisle, I couldn’t help but notice that Barbie now has a Hot Tub Party Bus.

    A Hot Tub Party Bus.

    What decade is this? Isn’t the Hot Tub Party Bus a remnant from the 70’s that shouldn’t exist anymore much like hairy men in white suits with gold chains?

    Do I really want my little girl to grow up thinking that someday a good source of entertainment will be to ride around in a party bus with a hot tub filled with co-eds and bacteria? It’s like a big petri dish on wheels. Growing up, I was always told that nothing good happens after midnight and I’m almost certain that no good can come from traveling in a Hot Tub Party Bus.

    I think we’ll stick to Barbie’s Pretty Pony Horse Stable or even the Barbie Winnebago. I’m thinking I’d much rather have Caroline dream of the day she can drive cross-country in her own R.V. than a Hot Tub Party Bus.

    Oh, Barbie….I am so ashamed.

  • Wrappers’ delight

    This past weekend was a momentous occasion that only happens one time a year. Gulley and Big Mama’s Christmas Shopping Weekend complete with The Wrapping Par-tay (it must be pronounced just like the women on the Walmart commercial say it). And yes, it is capitalized because it is an event. For the last sixteen years, Gulley and I designate one weekend in December for an exclusive girls’ weekend where we complete all of our Christmas shopping and present wrapping.

    Usually we have the Christmas Shopping Weekend the first weekend of December, but since I had to be out of town because of my work at the bank, we had to find another weekend.

    And really, I’m not bitter about the bank ruining our weekend at all.

    So, at noon on Friday we headed out. Our first stop was at a local Mexican restaurant so that we could find shopping sustenance in the form of chips and queso. From there, we headed to our local outdoor shopping center because it was a lovely 75 degrees outside, just like in all the Christmas movies.

    We shopped all day and headed back to my house with a car full of packages. Being giddy with our freedom, we decided that we should go see a movie. I looked and realized that I had two $10.00 gift certificates to the movies, then Gulley realized that she also had $20.00 worth of gift certificates to the movies. I wondered aloud if they applied to just tickets or the concession stand also, so I turned them over and read that they applied to tickets AND concession items. Well, y’all would have thought we had just won the lottery.

    We headed to the theater, bought our tickets and still had over $20.00 in free movie money. So, we got in the concession line and debated between the small and large popcorn. We decided on two small diet Cokes (a bargain at $3.75 a piece, certainly no price gouging there) and a large popcorn because Gulley actually said, “I came to party this weekend. I even brought my Zantac.”

    Yes, we’re getting old.

    The movie of choice was The Holiday and I highly recommend it. We loved it, but be warned that it is a total girl movie. Do not make your husband see this movie unless he is a very sensitive type of guy. I know that P would have mocked the entire movie, which is why we never see movies together unless it’s something of real cinematic quality and importance like Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

    After the movie we went to an Italian restaurant and had some calamari and a glass of wine. We stayed out until after 10:30 p.m. Thank goodness for Zantac.

    On Saturday (after sleeping in until a delightful 9:30) we shopped, and shopped, and shopped some more. We also analyzed every topic from disciplining our kids, to the best fashionable shoe for a mama to wear to the park, to Britney Spears showing her cootie cat to all the world.

    We finished our day with a trip to the grocery store and loaded up on sufficient amounts of snack food for our wrapping par-tay. Let’s just say that we erred heavily on the side of carbs and processed sugars. In years past, we have been known to drink a little too much wine which results in the wrapping of the presents getting sloppier and sloppier. There have definitely been years where y’all could look under my tree and see the downward spiral of present wrapping quality.

    This year, however, we were task oriented and focused. We started wrapping at 8:00 p.m. and didn’t wrap the last present until 1:30 a.m. Fortunately for us, we had The Devil Wears Prada on DVD and Justin Timberlake on Saturday Night Live to help us. I can say that if I had missed JT dressed as a can of soup and singing “Soup, there it is”, it would have been one of the disappointments of my life. I’m laughing just thinking about it.

    In all seriousness, I treasure these shopping weekends and we look forward to it all year. Now that we have kids, it’s even more special to have this time together with no real responsibility. It’s one of my favorite Christmas traditions and one of the best parts is that now my tree has a plethora of lovely, wrapped presents under it.

    When Caroline got home yesterday, she ran to the tree and said “OH Mama, just look at all these beautiful presents!” Then we spent the rest of the afternoon performing this dialogue

    Mama, can I open a present?
    No, not until Christmas.
    Please, can I open one?
    No, not until Christmas
    When will it be Christmas?
    8 more days.
    Mama, can I open a present?

    Not right now, Mama has to go take a Zantac.

  • Walmart…rolling back prices and driving folks out of their minds

    A friend of mine sent this to me and it cracked me up. While this may or may not have actually been Uncle Glen, it definitely shows that a little time in Walmart is enough to make anyone not right in the head.

    Husbands and Wal-Mart

    Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go
    with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.

    He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

    Here’s a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton——

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
    commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban
    both of you from our stores.

    We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

    All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

    Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
    carts when they weren’t looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    restrooms.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
    Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s
    on layaway.

    6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
    shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding
    department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
    cry and asks, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
    mirror, and picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
    the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
    “Mission Impossible” theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look”
    using different size funnels.

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
    through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
    assumes the fetal position and screams “NO ! NO! It’s those voices
    again!!!!”

    And last, but not least …..

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
    awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

    Regards,

    Walmart

    Have a nice Sunday!

  • For giving or just for eating

    This time of year I like to have something sweet around at all times and since P has to leave the house every once in awhile, I resort to homemade toffee. I make about 150 batches of this before the holidays are over and while yes, that is a slight exaggeration, I do make it for the mailman, the garbage men, neighbors and pretty much anyone else that I come within a five mile radius of during the Christmas season.

    It’s easy, it’s heaven on a plate (or in a gift bag), it’s TOFFEE. And by the way, this recipe also came from Gulley, so as y’all can see, she has cornered the cookie/candy market.

    Toffee
    1 c. chopped pecans
    1 c. sugar
    1 c. butter
    1/4 c. water
    12 oz. chocolate chips
    Line a 9×13 pan with foil, butter the foil. Spread pecans on the foil. Mix sugar, water and butter in a skillet. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly until caramel colored. Pour over pecans. Spread chocolate chips over mixture. Wait until it cools and break into pieces. Eat until you make yourself sick.
    You’re welcome.