Author: Big Mama

  • A faux prince and fantasy dates

    Oh happy day, The Bachelor was back on last night! I am sad to admit how excited I was at the prospect of a Monday evening filled with chocolate chip cookie dough and quality television programming.

    After watching, I just have a few thoughts and obviously nothing else interesting to write about.

    The night starts off with Lorenzo’s fantasy date with Jen. He really wants her to “open up” to him and share her emotions, so naturally they are headed to the amusement park. I don’t know about y’all, but some of the most meaningful, intimate conversations of my life have been had while riding in a bumper car or going down a 90 foot drop on a roller coaster.

    And that Lorenzo is astute. Did y’all hear him ask the bartender in that ice bar if she was cold? I mean that is someone with razor sharp skills of perception.

    So after Jen really opens up, Lorenzo is off to one of the lesser known European cities of love and romance, Budapest, to meet Lisa.

    Oh Lisa.

    Let me say that I am blessed to have several close girlfriends and not a one of them would ever sell me out on national T.V. by showing up at my house with a wedding gown and telling a potential fiance about my timeline to the altar. I realize this happened two weeks ago on the show, but I must have been in some kind of fog to not comment on the seriousness of this offense. I would like to ask Lisa what she did to her “best friend” to make her hate her so much.

    Then again, in defense of Lisa’s best friend, I will say that no one forced Lisa to actually put the dress ON.

    Lisa goes on and on tonight about how great her hometown visit went and I just wanted to shake her and say, “Girlfriend, take off that wedding dress and hide those Brides magazines. Put them under your couch like the rest of us used to do. No guy wants to walk into your apartment and see bridal magazines fanned out on your coffee table. It will make him start to itch and ultimately, to run far, far away”.

    The word “intense” was used about 1398 times to describe their fantasy date, which to me was code for Lisa will be voted off Bachelor Island and I was right, which just goes to show that no good can come from putting your china pattern before the horse.

    As for sweet Sadie, I have to say that I like her. I’m not sure why she’s on The Bachelor and I’m fairly sure she may be too good for Prince LoBo, a fact that was made clear in the previews for next week where we see LoBo shed one dramatic tear (Boomama, you know I noticed) as he faces the decision of his life.

    And y’all know I’ll be watching. It will be the MOST DRAMATIC rose ceremony in Bachelor history.

  • I just hope Harvard doesn’t hear about this

    Friday night we took Caroline to her first high school football game. She had a great time although she did ask if “it could be a little more quiet”. She’s not a fan of loud noises unless she is the one making them.

    At one point, P and Caroline went down to the concession stand to get a delicious bean and cheese taco, and by delicious, I mean absolutely disgusting but what do I know? I don’t have the discriminating palate of a 3 year old.

    Anyway, while they were gone, a dad comes and sits behind me with his little boy. It just so happens that I knew this little boy was in Caroline’s class last year, but I didn’t really know the dad. Someone asked him where his son was in school this year and he precedes to tell them, and talk about the wonderful curriculum and how superior it is to the school the kids attended last year.

    After sitting in front of them for about 30 minutes, I can promise y’all that one thing the new, improved curriculum at the new, improved school doesn’t include is a lesson in how to not kick the back of the person in front of you 184 times in a 3 minute time period. I knew for sure that by the time we left, one of my kidneys was going to be permanently damaged.

    Fortunately, the dad was so preoccupied with discussing this new school’s academic superiority that he wasn’t worried about my kidneys or the fact that his son was about to take a header onto the ground below.

    I’m sorry, back to my original point.

    Apparently, the preschool our children attended last year has a subpar curriculum in his opinion and they aren’t focused enough on educational goals. I guess my standards are a little lower because I was just impressed that they taught Caroline not to throw sand on the playground and how to glue a popsicle stick on some construction paper.

    I had no idea that she was going to be so behind because she wasn’t attending a preschool with a curriculum that placed more emphasis on quantum physics and algebraic equations. How on earth is she going to have a chance of getting into the Ivy League with St. Episcopal Preschool as part of her academic record?

    I’ll just have to hope and pray that we can overcome this educational deficit in the dog eat dog world of elementary school.

    She is also at a new school this year and I have really lofty goals for her academic progress. I’m hoping she might learn to share toys, develop friendships, learn how to slide down the big slide and if we’re really lucky, not pick her nose in a social setting. Now I’m questioning if that will be enough on her kindergarten resume.

    Of course, I can take some comfort in the discussion we had on the way to school last week. She told me she didn’t want to go to school today. I said, “Well sweetie, you’re going to school. It’ll be fun and you’ll learn something”. She looked right at me as I was getting her out of her carseat and told me, “I’m going to school, but I’m NOT going to learn anything”.

    I guess all this worrying about school curriculums may be an exercise in futility given the fact that we are talking about stubborn, willful 3 year olds who aren’t really worried about our agendas as much as they are worried about whose turn it is to be line leader on the way to chapel and if they’re going to get any candy today.

  • An update

    Last week, I told y’all about AJ and finding out that her mom has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I can’t thank you enough for the sweet comments and prayers. I know that her family has been so blessed by the prayers being said on their behalf.

    For those of you who are praying, here’s an update.

    They went to M.D. Anderson last week to see what their options were and found out that the cancer had already spread further. The only option is a really experimental chemo treatment.

    They’ve decided to try this chemo and will start the first round on Monday. The best they can hope for is that it may slow down the progression of the cancer. The worst part is that they really don’t know what all the side effects could be since it is such a new treatment.

    Her mom had said originally that she didn’t want to try anything experimental, but I think she just wants to feel like she’s doing something. They are going to see how this first round goes and decide after that if she wants to continue it.

    Anyway, if you feel led to say a prayer for them, it would be much appreciated.

  • Consider yourself enlightened

    I found the following top 10 list in an article online from Marie Claire magazine. It’s a list of the top 10 things a woman should have or do by age 40. What does it say about me that I’m 35 and I don’t even know what 90% of the things on this list are? Here is the list so that y’all can see how you measure up. I’ve provided my own insight in italics for your reading pleasure.

    1) A DEAD-SERIOUS PIECE OF TIMELESS CLOTHING MC recommends: The YSL tux for women. yes, at $3560, it costs the equivalent of 350 pairs of leggings, but it will outlive them by several decades.

    (Um, yeah do you get some kind of European vacation with that suit? The reason it’s timeless is that every time you see it in your closet you’ll think “What kind of fool am I that I paid $3500 for an article of clothing?”)

    2) A LOOK You’re not Madonna; enough already with the bimonthly reinventions. Are you a Dietrich throwback? A reconstructed punk? Figure it out and shop accordingly.

    (My look can range from bag lady to somewhat pulled together mama depending on the day. I’m not sure if you can call “anything from Old Navy” a look, but if so, that would be mine)

    3) A PIECE OF ART Yes, the birch trees in that framed Ansel Adams poster are v. v. haunting, but consider an investment piece with which to start an actual art collection. Living artists cost less; how about a Cecily Brown print or a limited-edition Tom Sachs multiple?

    (First of all, who? And second of all, why did I have a child if not to provide me with plenty of artwork and photos for my entire house?)

    4) A FIRST EDITION . . . of To The Lighthouse, the ur-Woolf.

    (What? Where am I?)

    5) FANCY LUGGAGE (A MATCHED SET, PLEASE) No more schlepping through airports with midcentury Samsonite. MC recommends: Gucci’s new Guccissima line, which makes the goofball trolley look like a major style statement ($3350).

    (Once again, does the price of the luggage include the European vacation? Do you really want to spend that kind of money for something that will only be used as a punching bag and possible spit depository for underpaid, angry baggage handlers?)

    6) ENLIGHTENED Go see the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India.

    (Sweet. I wonder how enlightened the Dalai Lama would think I am when I show up with my $3500 Gucci luggage wearing my $3500 YSL tux?)

    7) A FINANCIAL ADVISOR No, the hedge-fund dude one stool over doesn’t count.

    (I’ve mentioned before that I just recently discovered what a hedge fund is and I’m betting if I had a financial advisor he would advise me not to spend outrageous amounts of money on luggage or clothes. Maybe I’ll do something kicky and fun like save for college tuition.)

    8) A MUSEUM MEMBERSHIP Whether it’s the Met, the Getty, or the Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia, it’s time to earn some culture cred. take your place on the gala circuit—perfect for that YSL tux.

    (Instead of the museum membership, can I earn “culture cred” by knowing every word to all The Wiggles songs? How about the theme to Little Einsteins? I mean they play classical music and everything. As for the gala circuit, how about 142 birthday parties for people under 5?)

    9) A MAMMOGRAM ’Nuff said.

    (Seriously, this is the only sane thing on this list. No joke, y’all should go get a mammogram.)

    10) A GOOD CAUSE Stop considering yourself your own favorite charity. Amnesty International? Oxfam? Amfar? Then get your new financial advisor to determine what chunk of every paycheck you can commit.

    (I wonder if a good cause like buying diapers or peanut butter count? How about a pack of Nestle Ultimate chocolate chip cookie dough? It’s one of the best causes I know. Help stop PMS by eating this whole pack of cookie dough.)

    I hope this list has given y’all some inspiration. It’s a lot to accomplish before I turn 40, so I may start my own list and include such things as getting 8 hours of sleep just one night between now and my 40th birthday or making it through the day without getting some stain of foreign origin on my clothes, but then again that may be as ambitious as visiting the Dalai Lama and toting my pricey luggage up that mountain.

  • It’s what we do

    When P and I started dating eleven years ago, he didn’t know much about females. And by not much, I really mean nothing. It’s not like he hadn’t dated a few girls over the years, but when faced with choosing between listening to someone talk about her “feelings” or going to the ranch to hunt deer, I’m just saying that the deer hunting won out every time.

    Every single time.

    In fact, he was so clueless as to the female personality, that for the first year and a half we dated, he’d break up with me anytime I cried. He was convinced that something must be wrong with me because why was I crying? I finally had to tell him that sometimes girls just cry…it’s what we do, like putting on lipstick to go to the grocery store or trying on 47 pairs of shoes and not buying any of them.

    The week before our ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, P had been in charge of a ski trip for his high school students. At the last minute, his only female chaperone became really sick and couldn’t go on the trip, which left P with a busload of kids, two male leaders, and more importantly, about twelve 14 year old girls with no female leader. Since I was 5 months pregnant and not about to contort my body into a seat on a bus for 17 hours, he became their leader.

    Every night during the trip, he would call and give me the report. One night the girls had convinced him that it would be fun to do everyone’s hair and he had ended up having his hair gelled, blowdried and straightened. Then he said someone pulled out a pair of scissors and they started actually cutting each other’s hair and naturally, one girl ended up in hysterical tears. I laughed and told him he was crazy. Everyone knows that you don’t let adolescent girls handle sharp utensils. No good can come from it.

    A strange thing happened during that trip. P really began to appreciate how fun a group of girls can be, granted he also learned that they talk ALOT and can be slightly emotional especially in the face of a hair crisis, but when he came home he told me that he felt pretty sure that we were having a girl because this trip had obviously been God’s preparation for him.

    Sure enough, we found out two days later that we were having a sweet baby girl.

    Last night that sweet girl got in trouble for throwing a big, huge crying fit and later, when she had calmed down, P took her aside and said “I don’t want to punish you but you have to listen when we tell you to do something”.

    She looked right at him and said “I know Daddy, but sometimes a girl just has to cry.”

    That’s all I’ve been trying to say.

  • Big Mama for President or you know…not

    I’ve never been an extremely politically minded person. I mean I vote in every election and I definitely have my political thoughts and beliefs that I feel strongly about, but I’ve never been one to want to run for any kind of office or even volunteer hours of my time at a campaign headquarters.

    Even in high school, I was content to be just a member of Student Council because after all, there were very important issues to be decided, such as prom theme and the various dress up days for Homecoming week. Serious, serious stuff and I didn’t want to be left out of these crucial decisions. But as far as making some poster board signs and pins that said “Big Mama for President. A vote for Big Mama is a vote for Pajama Day and Enchantment Under the Sea Prom theme”?

    No, not for me. Way too much pressure. I couldn’t have the final decisions regarding prom and what everyone would wear the week of Homecoming hanging solely on my significantly padded shoulders (remember it was the 80’s).

    In college, I was a member of COSGA which stands for something like Conference on Student Government Associations (shout out to Hite who interviewed me which started our lifelong friendship), but that wasn’t about school politics for me. It was about meeting really cool and potentially cute young politicos from other college campuses around the nation.

    And oh yeah, it wouldn’t look bad on a resume. I could put it right under “Diamond Darling for the Aggie Baseball Team” so that potential interviewers could see that they were dealing with a serious, academically driven candidate. Right.

    I guess I’m saying that I personally don’t understand why anyone would want to be a politician. I mean someone has to do it and I’m glad they do, but I get stressed about having to get to the grocery store and then Target in the same morning, so do I really need to be making decisions about what to do with North Korea or the federal deficit?

    However, I will be waiting in line at the polls today because I do believe that we should take our right to vote seriously. In my opinion, if you don’t vote then you can’t complain about the state of the Union and since I like to be able to complain, I will vote. It’s not just about politics, it’s about democracy and freedom of speech. It’s about the ability to have a voice in the whole big system. Our founding fathers and our veterans fought way too hard for our freedom for me to not use my voice.

    Heaven knows that if I lived in North Korea, there is no way Big Mama would be able to write as freely as I do. I’m proud to be an American, even if the votes don’t go the way I would like today.