Road trips

This road trip marked a turning point for us. Gulley and I realized that our kids have all reached the age where they are more than 76% sure that we don’t know how to do anything and that we’re wrong most of the time.

However, they are geniuses. They are experts on how to drive and buying tickets to baseball games and know all the facts about Mount Rushmore and can explain the workings of the water table in full detail.

At one point I finally said, “Wow. Y’all know A LOT of stuff.”

But they don’t know sarcasm because they took it as a compliment.

The only thing they don’t seem to know is that I am perfectly capable of determining if my car can fit in a certain parking place or that Gulley knows to wait to walk in front of a group of people during a baseball game.

Anyway, Saturday was a cold, rainy day. Will and Jackson opted to go ahead and go to the baseball game with Big, but Caroline said she’d rather stay home in her pajamas and watch a movie. Which just goes to show that Proverbs isn’t kidding when it says to train up a child in the way that she should go and she won’t depart from it. I’ve never been so proud.

But later that afternoon she got bored so I took her to Target to buy paper and crayons. Then we went to Kroger to buy a few groceries and I got the delight of my life when the cashier told me she was about to go on “Fraternity Leave” as soon as she had her baby.

I’m not sure how the SAEs are going to feel about having a mother and her newborn baby around the fraternity house, but I wished her all the best.

On Sunday morning we hoped the rain would end and we’d be able to make it to the baseball field, but it didn’t look good. Then it finally stopped in the early afternoon and we couldn’t get dressed and to Olsen Field fast enough. Even if it was cold and wet.

And that’s when I ruined my purse.

And the Aggies lost the game.

But we still had a good time just being out of the house and all together eating big tubs of popcorn.

We woke up Monday morning and it was time for Caroline and I to head to Houston to visit Mimi and Bops. But we stopped for lunch at Newk’s first because I am in love with the chicken salad there and we don’t have a Newk’s in San Antonio. Will someone please open a Newk’s in San Antonio? Please? Anyone? I need it in my life on a regular basis.

The drive to Houston was perfect because the bluebonnets are blooming and they are one of my favorite things ever. We made it to Bops and Mimi’s house by mid-afternoon and waited for my sister and her daughter Sarah to get there. A little while later we all went to eat dinner at El Meson which is this great Cuban place in the Rice Village.

(I don’t know why you need to know all this. I’m just recording it all so I’ll have it later. Feel free to skim.)

The next day we all went to Ikea because every child dreams of going to Ikea and looking for spice racks on their Spring Break. It’s second only to Disney World in terms of pure family fun. But my sister saw some shelves on Pinterest that were made from spice racks at Ikea and wanted to copy the idea. Apparently, so did everyone else in the greater Houston area because they were flat sold out of spice racks. But they are getting more in at the end of May.

Seriously. The end of May? It’s a spice rack. Not a cure for whatever is making my front teeth hurt.

Did I mention my front teeth are hurting? I’m not sure what’s going on. It feels like maybe they’re moving which is alarming because I had a permanent retainer put in the back of them at the end of my unfortunate adult orthodontia experience and I don’t think they should be moving. But I also don’t think it’s gum sensitivity because hot and cold drinks don’t bother them.

(I believe I just took a serious subject detour.)

(I realize you don’t want to know about my teeth. I just don’t know what’s going on. It’s like I got punched in the mouth and don’t remember it.)

Anyway, my sister has to wait until May to turn a spice rack into a shelf. But I guess it’s worth the wait because the whole world knows spice racks are the new shelves. At least everyone on Pinterest knows.

After we left Ikea we went to the Galleria where, THANKFULLY, Caroline had no dreams or desires to ice skate. So we just looked around in different stores and I got out of Justice without having to buy anything and that felt like a victory. My niece, Sarah, found a Happy Napper pillow that looked like a unicorn and declared that it was the happiest day of her life and Caroline got a darling new shirt that she may actually wear more than once. I’d say it was a success. Who needs Disney World?

The girls were ready to head back to Bops and Mimi’s house so we went back there to hang out and relax before dinner. I took the opportunity to start reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and I am FASCINATED so far. It’s the kind of book that is totally readable, but makes me feel like I’m learning all kinds of useful, interesting facts to throw out at dinner parties.

Not that I ever really go to dinner parties.

And not that my child will ever really believe I know any useful, interesting facts.

I don’t even know how to park my car.

Well.

We have now been away from home since Friday. And I’ll tell you my biggest concern at this point. Other than the laundry and massive grocery store trip that awaits my arrival home.

There is a 99.6% that I’m growing black mold in my purse.

On Sunday we went to a baseball game at the new Blue Bell Park at Olsen Field to watch the Aggies. And it had been raining to beat the band ALL WEEKEND. But I decided the ground under the bleachers where we were sitting couldn’t be that wet because why would it be wet after forty-six inches of rain? I guess I also believed that my genuine pleather bag was waterproof.

But it’s not. I picked it up and everything in it was soaked. Two packs of Eclipse gum were totally ruined. Not to mention that my lipsticks were all very damp.

The smartest course of action would have probably been to dump everything out and let it dry. But no one has ever accused me of doing the smartest thing and so I didn’t. I reasoned that I planned to throw out the purse as soon as I switch to a summer purse on Easter. However, I failed to really comprehend that Easter is still a month away.

And now my purse is a health-hazard.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.

Anyway, Gulley and I loaded up the kids on Friday afternoon in the rain and the cold to venture out for some Spring Break fun. Even though it’s hard to embrace Spring when it’s 50 degrees and raining outside since that’s what people who live in South Texas call WINTER.

We made a quick stop to load up on road trip snacks and everyone chose candy. Except for Will since he’s not allowed to have candy on road trips anymore now that we’ve discovered the bulk of his carsickness is caused by eating an entire bag of Gummy Bears by himself. So he chose Cheesy Pringles instead.

Caroline and I planned to leave Bryan for Houston on Monday so we had to take two cars. So the kids all decided to ride with me for the first part of the trip. I’m still not entirely sure why since it’s a universal truth that Gulley is more fun than me, but they must have forgotten that. And I’m glad they did because I was able to question them all about their hopes and dreams. And steal a few of Will’s Cheesy Pringles.

I discovered that Caroline would like to live on a ranch someday. Jackson hopes to grow up and play professional baseball. And Will. Will writes songs in his head all the time. He’s currently working on a song called “Just Do It” that’s going to be his first big hit. He just needs to find someone who can rap really fast to do the middle part. But he sang the slow part for me and I think it has promise.

After he makes a bunch of money (like maybe twenty or thirty kajillion dollars) he’s going to buy a bunch of alligators for Caroline to keep at her ranch. Which is what I’m pretty sure J.Lo bought for her friends after she made it big and explains why she wrote that song about not being fooled by the crocs that she’s got, she’s still Jenny from the block.

(I know. Crocs aren’t alligators. But how could I walk away from that?)

We also listened to that Party Rockers song about sixty-eight times on the way and I’m afraid I’ll never get it out of my head. It’s also when I discovered that I’d slept wrong on my neck and was moving like I was Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles. I’m almost back to full neck rotation at this point but it was dicey there for a while. Only my torso moved.

By the time we got to Honey and Big’s house it was late and we were tired. We ate some pizza, visited a little bit and all went to bed with big dreams of going to watch the Aggies play baseball the next day.

So you can imagine our disappointment when we woke up to a torrential rainstorm the next morning. Fortunately Big eased our pain with enough Shipley’s donuts and kolaches to feed thirty-seven people. Then Gulley and I went to pick up Nena so she could spend the afternoon with us.

Nena.

Y’all. Nena is a miracle. She had heart bypass surgery less than two weeks ago and is back home and doing great. In fact, she’s not even sure she needed that surgery. She isn’t even convinced she had a heart attack because she had no pain. NO PAIN. Even though the official EMT report showed that she said she felt heavy pressure. But she’s sure they made that up because she doesn’t remember feeling heavy pressure and is sure she didn’t say that. WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT?

But she told me the whole story. She’d just eaten lunch in the dining hall. And was walking back to her apartment and her feet felt weird. So she took an aspirin and laid down. But then still felt funny and pushed her medic alert bracelet. And I wouldn’t even BELIEVE how quick they showed up.

Honey said all the doctors and nurses at the hospital adored Nena and the cardiologist even stopped her in the hall the day before Nena left to go home and said, “I checked on your mother and asked her if she was feeling okay. She asked me if there was any way I could bring her a trashy magazine.”

So Honey had to explain that meant Nena wanted the latest National Enquirer because how are you supposed to recover from major surgery if you can’t guess which celebrity has been caught with all their cellulite hanging out at the beach? And who better to bring it to you than your heart surgeon?

Gulley and I knew Nena was definitely on the road to recovery when she announced she had a purse that was way too big for her and she wanted Gulley to have it. Nena has always shown her love by offering various extra items she happens to have lying around. And so she handed Gulley a shiny patent mustard-yellow purse.

Of course now that I’m catching a whiff of my purse from the corner of the room, I’m kind of wishing she’d had two.

I believe it was Mark Twain who said there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. Or maybe it was someone else. Either way, our annual summer road trip ended on my back steps yesterday around noon and, I don’t want to speak for Gulley, but I think we all still really like each other based on the fact that the kids begged to stay together and play for the rest of the afternoon.

For the record, we said no. At this point I think a little absence will make the hearts grow fonder.

And so we are home. I have no real goals or plans for the week, but I probably need to go to the grocery store at some point because it appears we are out food/everything we have is expired. The sad part is I didn’t even know if the milk was bad because I had no idea of the actual date. I lost track somewhere around last Tuesday. So I guess my plans include making a grocery list and painting my toenails some shade of turquoise.

That probably seems like an odd goal, but I’ve wanted to try it all summer and then I went to dinner with my friend Stephanie a few weeks ago and her toes were turquoise and I thought it looked fun. Maybe it has something to do with my 40th birthday being right on the horizon and this is my answer to the mid life crisis. You have to admit it’s cheaper than a red convertible and a toupee.

So I guess the last time I reported from the road was after the kids had their silly string fight. If memory (and the blog post) serves, that was on Wednesday. We left Houston earlier that morning and drove to Bryan to see Honey and Big. Gulley and I were really hoping to find some great small town Texas cafe where we could stop and eat lunch on the way, but had to settle for Chick-Fil-A. Which is not small town, but does have the best chicken nuggets. And I don’t know if you’ve tried the chicken wrap, but I highly recommend it. It’s healthy and delicious which can’t be said of pretty much anything else I enjoy eating.

On Thursday we all slept late and then ate lunch at Ninfa’s. (You may start to feel like this whole thing is about food and it might be because I ate my way through Texas. I’m officially on detox starting six minutes ago when I ate my last Sour Patch Kid from Dylan’s Candy Bar.) Then later that afternoon we took the kids to the pool to burn a little energy and to show off their various diving board skills.

There aren’t any photos of Gulley or me going off the diving board. Mainly because we didn’t go off the diving board.

Friday morning, Gulley, Caroline and I went to visit my Nanny for the day. We took her out to eat lunch at Casa Ole’ and I’m proud to say that Gulley and I managed to get her in and out of the car without having to chase her runaway walker across the parking lot which is a huge improvement from last year.

On Friday night we headed out to watch the Brazos Valley Bombers. I happen to think Bombers games are so much more fun than the Astros, but when I made that comment out loud I’m fairly sure I got an eyeroll and a “REALLY?” from Jackson. I’m certain he was embarrassed to know me at that point. But just wait until I paint my toes turquoise. Then we’ll see who can totally pretend to be cool.

We seriously considered driving home on Saturday. I was a little concerned with Caroline’s state of mind. She was beyond tired and I could tell from the moment she woke up that it might be a day full of “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” and “YOU NEED TO BE KIND TO YOUR FRIENDS” and “DO YOU WANT TO PACK UP AND LEAVE RIGHT NOW?” But sometimes I like to throw caution to the wind, plus the kids all really wanted to go to Adamson Lagoon and why would we deny them that? Especially when we knew it would wear them out and we could put them to bed early and watch Sweet Home Alabama on CMT?

And so off we went for a day of big pool fun. The kids slid down the slides and jumped on the floating lilypad thing until Will was actually slurring his words from the tiredness. Gulley and I both agreed it had been a long time since we’d been at a pool where so many people took regular smoke breaks and ate Funyuns poolside with no shame. But it was big fun and achieved its intended purpose.

(I have a great picture of the kids at Adamson Lagoon, but it’s on my phone. And apparently my phone and my computer aren’t speaking to each other right now. Maybe it’s the same thing that happened to Will and his Kindergarten girlfriend. He told us on the trip that they “had a dump” which was his way of saying they broke up. I think my phone and computer have had a dump.)

Later that evening, Honey and Big took us all out to eat at Longhorn Tavern. We all ordered the chicken fried steak because why even go through the motions of eating healthy at this point? Caroline and I had words over her frustration that I made her order the kids’ size portion and I finally agreed that I would pay her $50 if she managed to clean her plate. A Vegas bookie would wish for these kind of odds. She’s a kid that eats two pieces of a four-piece chicken nuggets meal and can live on half a cheese cube for four days.

Needless to say, she is not $50 richer. I knew I had it in the bag when she asked, “Do I have to eat all the fries too?”

Gulley and I stayed up late with Honey on Saturday night laughing about things that happened twenty years ago and apologizing to her for all the times we were idiots and caused her to lose sleep. And then we all went to bed.

I should be embarrassed to tell you that we SET OUR ALARMS for 9:00 a.m. so we could wake up and get back to San Antonio by early afternoon. Let’s count all the reasons that setting an alarm for 9:00 a.m. is worthless.

Wait, there might be too many.

And so we were on the road by 10:00 a.m. with three kids who we’ve realized have not only grown bigger in the last year, but much, MUCH louder and with increased talents that involve fake burps. At one point I threatened to put Caroline out on the side of the road if I heard her say “diarrhea” one more time and Gulley had to turn around and ask Will why he was licking his shoe.

In other words, our 2011 summer road trip was all that we dreamed it would be.

Yesterday’s portion of the road trip involved a battle with silly string.

It’s also the day I realized I worried needlessly about packing enough clothes to last Caroline for seven days because she’s decided all she needs is her new Astros t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts.

It’s almost midnight and we’re sitting here watching Despicable Me with the kids. We’ve had a big day and I’m ready for bed. But I think I might be the only one. Fortunately, I’m one of the adults pretending to be in charge so I plan to announce it’s officially bedtime as soon as I finish writing this post and have the energy to get off the couch.

We left San Antonio around noon on Monday and headed for Houston. Mimi and Bops recently bought a place in Houston because it’s their favorite city ever and who doesn’t want a summer home in a location that’s even more hot and humid than where you normally live? And Gulley’s dad also lives in Houston. Therefore, we decided Houston was a logical first stop on our road trip.

On Monday night we went to watch the Astros or, as they’re also known, the worst team in baseball. However, this didn’t stop Caroline from talking Bops into buying her an Astros t-shirt.

The good news is that since no one really cares about watching the Astros right now, we were able to get eight tickets for a grand total of $45.00. Unfortunately, we spent twice that amount on food. Did y’all know that a barbecued brisket sandwich plate at Minute Maid park is $13.00? Neither did I. But Bops did because he tried to convince Mimi that they weren’t selling them on the third level where our seats were located.

So we ate a varied combination of ballpark foods including a chili cheese dog, the aforementioned sandwich, three things of cotton candy, two buckets of popcorn, and a snow cone that was larger than a person’s head.

I’ll just say that I had some regrets about chasing my barbecue brisket sandwich with a few bites of Caroline’s chili cheese dog. Which probably shouldn’t come as a surprise.

I’ll break it down for you Mastercard-style.

Cotton candy – $15.00
Two Brisket Sandwiches – $26.00
Listening to Bops talk about how baseball isn’t what it used to be and how the fans are more excited about watching the jumping cans of refried beans on the jumbotron – PRICELESS

Our plan for Tuesday morning was to take the kids to Galveston for the day. We had big plans to pack a cooler full of Gatorade, Fritos and bean dip and rent an umbrella and some chairs on Stewart Beach. In other words, we feel it is of the utmost importance to teach our children about the finer things in life.

The flaw in our plan came in the form of thunderstorms coming in from the Gulf. When you’ve been living in drought conditions as long as we have, you forget to factor in things like rainfall. But I have vowed I will never complain about rain again because it is so desperately needed. Not to mention there are PLENTY of other things to complain about in this world. AT&T makes sure of that.

Gulley called me from her dad’s house to discuss our options now that Project White Beach Trash had been scrapped. Ultimately, they voted for a visit to the Aquarium. Which, truth be told, turned out to be so much easier than the beach. Especially because I prefer to see my sharks behind glass.

For reasons I don’t totally understand, there is also a white tiger at the Aquarium. I don’t know how he fits into the whole underwater scenario but I’m pretty sure if he could have figured out a way to break the glass he would’ve have eaten a child sitting in the stroller in front of us. He kept eyeballing her and I could almost see the thought bubble forming over his head that said, “FREE, DELICIOUS MONKEY DRESSED IN PINK”.

Don’t worry. That’s not the real white tiger. Just a replica.

It inspired Will to make his best face like an ape.

After all the big aquarium fun (Is this post as boring as it feels like it is? Because it feels about eight kinds of MEH.) we drove to The Galleria. Actually, we first got lost in a questionable neighborhood near downtown Houston and then we drove to The Galleria so the kids could bungee jump and ride the glass elevators up and down and give us a heart attack by acting like fools on the escalator until we had to use our I MEAN IT mom voices.

And it was there we discovered Dylan’s Candy Bar. Some of you may remember that I totally FLIPPED OUT over Ralph Lauren’s interview with Oprah and fell completely in love with his ranch and his tee-pees and basically would like to email him and ask if I could move there and just live in his garage. Well, they also interviewed his family and that’s when I learned he had a daughter named Dylan who owns the largest candy store in the world located in New York. However, I did not know there was one in Houston.

Oh happy day.

We each filled a bag with candy and I attempted to get a picture of the kids all holding giant lollipops and was informed by a salesgirl that they don’t allow photos in the store due to copyright infringement or it being a front for a covert operation involving Sydney Bristow. I can’t exactly remember. But she told me we were welcome to take a picture SANS MERCHANDISE in front of the chocolate bunny.

So we did.

And then on the way out I saw this sign and couldn’t resist.

You have to admit that’s pretty perfect.

Well. The time has arrived.

Gulley and I loaded up the kids yesterday and have officially embarked on Summer Road Trip 2011.

Here are my top ten moments from the road:

1. Gulley called yesterday morning to tell me Will was running a fever and questioned whether or not we should go. Caroline overheard our discussion and said, “I’ve been with Will through a stomach virus. A fever is nothing. Let’s go.”

2. A quick trip to the pediatrician confirmed it was no big deal, just a little virus and so we decided THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

3. We are loaded down like the Clampetts. I’ve even resorted to traveling with my own comforter. High maintenance much?

4. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved the kids more than when they sang along to Dude Looks Like a Lady. Will gives Steven Tyler a run for his money.

5. The Triple Chocoholic Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Thank you and amen.

6. We only threatened to turn the car around and go back home three times. It’s a new personal record.

7. However, there were two separate threats involving staying home from the baseball game last night and hiring a babysitter for anyone who couldn’t be kind to their back seat neighbor.

8. The moment in Whataburger when Jackson hugged Caroline and told her they’d always be BFF (best friends forever). Oh my heart.

9. The kids dancing to the Cupid Shuffle in the back seat.

10. Looking in the rear view mirror at three smiling faces and knowing I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We’re making some good memories and, at the same time, giving the kids plenty of reasons to make fun of Gulley and me for the rest of our lives.

And that’s what childhood is all about.