Road trips

  • The plague of the wolf has descended

    Well.

    It is with great regret that I inform you a member of our road trip crew succumbed to a stomach virus yesterday morning. Specifically it was Gulley’s youngest son, Will.

    If you’d told me the night before that one of us was going to get sick, I would have placed bets on myself because I made the questionable decision to wolf down those three Taco Supremes. I told Gulley I felt certain eating lettuce from Taco Bell in these questionable bacterial times was a foolhardy choice.

    I woke up feeling fine yesterday morning. At least as fine as you can feel after being wedged into the top bunk of a simulated log cabin with a child who likes to practice high kicks in her sleep. However, Will woke up and wandered out to the main part of our hotel room looking a decidedly pale shade of green and shortly began his day of throwing up every thirty minutes.

    Which basically solidified all my theories about water parks. They are just Chuck E. Cheese in aquatic form.

    When it first began we hoped it would just be a fluke thing. So AJ and I took Jackson and Caroline back down to the water park to play until it was time to check out. But first, we took pictures in the log cabin.

    Then we went downstairs and rode all the different slides because the lines are surprisingly short at 9:30 a.m. When we got back up to the room we discovered Will wasn’t any better. Our plan was to head to Bryan to see Gulley’s mama, so we called to tell her we were coming and bringing the plague with us. And, bless her heart, she told us she couldn’t wait to see us.

    So we dropped AJ off at home, loaded up plenty of plastic bags, and headed to B/CS. Gulley sat in the back seat with Will and made good use of those plastic bags every 20-30 minutes. Not even Sonic ice helped him.

    Eventually, we had to make a restroom stop and there was Buc-ees in Madisonville shining like a bright beacon of hope and comfort. Gulley stayed in the car with Will while I took the kids in to use the bathroom and fortify ourselves with Buc-ees snacks.

    And maybe get a photo op with a stuffed beaver.

    Can we examine why my child has to make the same facial expressions as stuffed things?

    Exhibit A: Queen Esther puppet

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    It’s like a compulsion.

    Anyway, we loaded back into the car and I passed the beef jerky to Gulley. We decided there is really no better indicator you’re a mother than the ability to catch throw up in a plastic bag, disinfect your hands, and ask your friend to pass the beef jerky and the Beaver nuggets. It’s like a unique skill set.

    About that time AJ texted us to let us know she’d come down with the plague. Which serves to confirm that no good deed or visit to a water park goes unpunished.

    We finally arrived in Bryan. Will officially reached the twelve hour mark of not holding anything down so Gulley took him to the med clinic where they administered anti-nausea medication and, ultimately, a therapeutic mixture of Gatorade and Sprite. They knew he was feeling better when he looked at the nurse and said, “You’re gonna need to get me some more of that”.

    As for the rest of the crew, we have thus far dodged the stomach bullet and are taking intermittent baths in Purell while saying our prayers.

    I’ll let you know tomorrow if it works out for us.

  • Ten things from the road

    Here are a few things you need to know:

    1. I am NOT wearing a sweatband in that picture from yesterday. It’s a turquoise bracelet that I bought from Charming Charlie’s.

    However, the subject of sweatbands always makes me think of waterparks because my daddy used to take us to Schlitterbahn every summer and wore sweatbands around his elbows to prevent the chafing that comes with rowing around in an innertube all day long.

    We were as horrified by this as you might imagine.

    2. Speaking of waterparks, we are at The Great Wolf Lodge right now, which is a huge indoor waterpark. AJ won a raffle for a one night’s stay and decided to use it when we were in town with the kids. We surprised them with it yesterday and they all agreed it was better than riding public transit.

    3. Our room has an actual log cabin with bunk beds for the kids. It also has a queen size bed and the most uncomfortable sleeper sofa in the history of uncomfortable sleeper sofas. I feel like that’s a bold proclamation, but this thing is literally like some springs wrapped in sheet.

    4. So we called the front desk to complain and were told that’s just the way it is with sleeper sofas. And AJ replied, “Then you shouldn’t bill it as an actual bed that people can sleep on”. Ultimately they brought us an enormous air mattress.

    AJ asked them to blow it up in the hallway because the kids are already passed out and we were afraid it wasn’t going to fit through the door.

    5. I ate three Taco Supremes from Taco Bell for dinner last night. Apparently the college student who lives inside me was dying to get out.

    6. It’s hard to take pictures at a waterpark. All I have from yesterday are these two:

    7. Sleeper sofa bed notwithstanding, this place is really cool.

    8. I’m exhausted.

    9. I may not even need my melatonin to sleep tonight.

    10. But I’m going to take it anyway because an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of insomnia.

  • It was a capitol day

    Friday was Caroline’s last day of day camp and so P and I drove up for the closing ceremonies. We were able to meet her counselors and hear all the songs and cheers she’d learned over the last week, but unfortunately did not get to witness the dance party for ourselves. Which is a shame because there is really nothing better than a dance party where you have to dance or feel embarrassed. Plus I was looking for a chance to “turn around on y’all”.

    I also need to tell you that I spent two hours on the phone with AT&T Customer Service (and I use that term loosely) before we ever left for camp because our internet fell and could not get up. There is no reason you need to know this other than my need to complain about it. And to let you know that they finally sent someone over to fix it on Saturday and managed to not only NOT fix our internet, but to break our home phone. Stellar.

    Caroline’s counselors at camp were these two darling high school girls. They presented each little girl in their small group with a certificate filled in with the word that best described them during their week of camp. Caroline’s word was COOPERATIVE.

    Of course it was.

    Most likely because those girls have never had to get her dressed for church on a Sunday morning.

    Her fellow campers also wrote four adjectives on a sheet of paper they sent home with us.

    I told her I was so proud of her for being happy and caring and asked for a little clarity about the genius part. She said, “Oh, I told them all I was a genius and they saw I was right”.

    I don’t even know what to say.

    We spent most of Saturday recovering from camp and getting ready to leave on our road trip the next day. That’s right. Gulley and I packed up the kids yesterday and headed out for our SECOND ANNUAL TEXAS TOUR ROAD TRIP EXTRAVAGANZA.

    (That’s not necessarily the official name, but it’s kind of catchy. I’ll refer to it as the TTRTE, pronounced “tart”)

    After we got home from church, I began to throw some things in our suitcases and asked Caroline which pair of tennis shoes she wanted to pack. She said all of them. To which I replied, “There is no need to bring all those shoes” and then proceeded to throw five pairs of flip-flops in my suitcase. Seriously, physician heal thyself.

    Around 1:00 p.m. Gulley and the boys pulled up, we packed the car like we were the Joads heading west and ventured out on the open road. Our first stop was the Capital Building in Austin.

    We climbed the stairs to get as high in the rotunda as we could and then took a look around the Senate Chambers.

    And discussed how a bill becomes a law. Or maybe we just talked about if we could all get milkshakes later on. I can’t really remember.

    All I know is our next stop was for milkshakes.

    After four more hours on the road, we arrived at AJ’s house in Dallas. Now I have to go to bed because we’re surprising the kids with a day of BIG FUN tomorrow. They have no idea what we have planned, but are hoping against hope that it involves riding the Dallas Area Rapid Transit, better known as the DART. But since we did that last year and felt like there was a 98.3% chance that our lives were in jeopardy, we’ve decided on something even better than public transportation.

    I know it’s hard to imagine that such a thing exists.

  • The day the Gulf Coast died

    On Sunday we spent hours in the ocean. We jumped and floated in the waves until we barely had enough energy left to walk back to the condo and fix ourselves a delicious dinner of chips and queso. Of course we made turkey sandwiches for the kids because we felt that it was important for them to eat something with a little more nutritional value. Plus, more queso for us.

    Later that night, after the kids were in bed, Sophie and I watched the local news. Basically the entire news report revolved around the oil spill and featured several experts discussing the conditions in the Gulf. They said that when they fly over the water there is a definite oily sheen covering the surface and that people may be swimming in oil and not even realize it.

    Well, needless to say, total and complete paranoia set in. Sophie began to wonder if the residue she felt on her skin earlier in the day was actually oil as opposed to the fifty-six layers of Coppertone Sport SPF 50 she originally thought. I began to search our swimsuits for signs of tar. We said ugly things about BP and the all around ship of fools that appear to be running this operation.

    The next morning we walked out on the balcony and began to scope out the water for signs of the reported oil sheen, but discovered that when the sun is rising over the ocean it makes everything look shiny. The water actually looked beautiful so we decided to head down for another morning at the beach.

    Most people were swimming out on the first sandbar and Alex and Caroline begged us to take them out there. And even though I normally have very strong feelings about the first sandbar and how it relates to being part of the oceanic food chain, we agreed to swim out there even though it meant we had to swim in water that was over our head.

    To make matters worse, we underestimated the distance and arrived at the sandbar feeling like we might be picked up for trying to illegally immigrate to The Bahamas. Technically, I don’t even know if you can illegally immigrate to The Bahamas but I assume it wouldn’t be a bad place to live unless you are the kind of person who tires of delicious fruity cocktails served up while you lounge on the beach.

    But we made it safely to the sandbar and spent the rest of the time cautioning the children to not stand too close to the edge because “that’s where the sharks hang out”. I feel certain that our fellow swimmers on the sandbar were delighted by our paranoid presence.

    Eventually we swam the eight miles back to shore and built sandcastles before collapsing poolside for the remainder of the day.

    That evening we drove into town to pick up some groceries and began to see signs of impending doom.

    Heavy equipment.

    Sandbags.

    Barriers.

    And an ominous crane foretelling doom.

    Actually, it was just a crane holding a fish in its mouth and I took a picture of it.

    So the next day we spent a lot of time doing this.

    At one point Caroline and I decided to go back down to the beach to look for shells and build a sandcastle. As we walked up and down the shoreline we began to see more and more pieces of tar floating in the water and washing up on the sand. By the time we got back to our starting point our feet had tar all over them. Nothing like a refreshing walk on the beach topped off with a good scrubbing with Dawn liquid soap to cut the grease. Thanks, BP.

    By Tuesday there were cleanup crews walking up and down the beach with shovels and trash bags. The red flag was out on the beach to let people know that it wasn’t advisable to get in the water. So we took Alex and Caroline into town for a morning of putt putt golf fun in the 192% humidity.

    It was there that I discovered Alex has the gift of encouragement. I have never felt so secure in my putt putt playing abilities as he continually called out, “GREAT SHOT MISS MELANIE! GREAT SHOT!” By the time it was over I felt I was on my way to becoming some sort of miniature golfing legend and I don’t think it was a coincidence that I played the game of my life.

    In spite of the oil and tar, we had the best time. We ate too much, we laughed until we cried, we swam to The Bahamas, we enjoyed the Florida sunshine, and we watched The Bachelorette. In other words, it was perfection.

    Just like the Florida sunset.

    And the white sand.

    And these kids.

    When they’re not asking how much longer until we get there.

  • Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes

    Last Saturday morning, Caroline and I woke up bright and early so that P could drive us to the airport to catch our flight to Birmingham. Actually, I woke up early but not very bright because Caroline has had a terrible cough and we’d been up on and off all night between the coughing fits and the dispensing of various medications. In fact, I’d called our pediatrician the day before to see if they thought I should bring her in before we left the state and all, but they told me to go buy some Mucinex D and prepare myself that the cough might last as long as two weeks.

    Apparently they did not share my concern that this was the onset of bronchitis.

    And I don’t know why I’m telling you all this except that I’ve been out in the sun all day and am slightly delirious and oblivious to things like relevance.

    So we headed to the airport with one carry on bag, a backpack and a Pillow Pet. I managed to pack our swimsuits, clothing, toiletries and various power cords, cameras and battery chargers in one carry on bag and a backpack. Oh, and did I mention that I also packed a pool float? A POOL FLOAT. If you think I’m not adding PACKING GENIUS EXTRAORDINAIRE to my imaginary resume, you could not be more wrong.

    After we walked through the terminal and made it through security I introduced Caroline to the way her mama travels. Which is to say we stopped immediately at Starbucks. She got a yogurt parfait and I got a grande iced coffee. (Again with all the pointless details!) And since I have a long-standing fear of arriving at the airport too late, we sat at the gate for the next hour while Caroline conducted a scientific experiment involving how many times she could ask how much longer and the velocity with which my head might spontaneously combust.

    Finally it was time for the travelers holding boarding passes A31-A60 to get on the plane. (We were A32 and A34 because I refuse on principle to cave in to Southwest Airlines early bird check in offer and pay an additional $10 to be one of the first thirty people on the airplane.)

    Peace, sister.

    I’m not sure why she felt the need to flash the peace sign. Although I kind of suspect that she may have been doing rabbit ears because when you’re six and a half you are ALL ABOUT giving people rabbit ears. Also, I have to note how much I adore that dimple. It only shows when she smiles a certain way and I love it so much that I’d like to carry it around in my pocket.

    After a brief stop and a plane change in Houston we finally landed at the Birmingham airport where Sophie and Alex were waiting to pick us up. We made a quick drive through Chick-Fil-A because PRIORITIES and then we drove straight to the beautiful Florida beaches. And by straight, I mean that we stopped again for Icees and a few more times for potty breaks.

    We arrived at the beach about four minutes shy of me putting Caroline in a timeout until college if she asked one more time, “HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL WE GET THERE?” It was pouring down rain but that didn’t really deter her from wanting to get out on the beach. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go walk on the beach in the rain so I told the kids to put on their suits and I’d take them down there while Sophie finished getting things settled. But then it began to lightning and even though I learned from Sweet Home Alabama that lightning can make some kind of beautiful glass when it hits the beach, I also know from the evening news that it can kill people. Which isn’t really an ideal start to a vacation. So we ended up staying inside.

    Honestly, we weren’t sure how the beaches were going to look or if we’d even be able to swim because of the oil spill, but the next day dawned clear and the beaches looked beautiful and oil-free.

    And there was great rejoicing.

    I’ll be back with more tomorrow, but I have to go to bed now because the salt air and the crashing waves have made me very sleepy. Or maybe it’s the five pieces of olive bread I ate earlier.

  • Fashion Friday: Edition I’m in New York

    Behold the rat.

    And his friend, the roach.

    I’m not sure if the roach is a new addition or if the guy who was supposed to bring the roach didn’t make it on Wednesday. Maybe he was tired of lugging that giant roach around so he called in sick and said, “Dude, if you want this roach then you can come get it yourself.” Or maybe too many people thought they were protesting The Tale of Despereaux and they decided it might clarify things to add a roach.

    Anyway, I felt that y’all needed to see a photo of the rat to fully appreciate it so I took that picture as I walked out of the hotel this morning. And then I spent the next several minutes not looking at all like a tourist as Sophie and I wandered the streets of New York while I held my phone up and took eight hundred pictures that look like some version of this:

    I feel that they really capture the essence of the city and my sub-par photography skills. Also, if you happen to know the man in the pink shirt crossing the street, please let him know that he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

    Sophie and I walked until we found the nearest Starbucks and then headed to go get pedicures. As we walked down Madison Avenue I was kind of feeling a little bit of pride at how fearlessly I was crossing all the side streets. I was just boldly stepping off the curb like a real New Yorker. And then, in what is a recurring theme in my life, I began to overthink the whole process and at the next intersection I walked halfway out into the street, chickened out when I saw a cab coming and totally headed back to the corner from whence I came. I’m sure no one who witnessed that scene suspected that I was just in town for a few days.

    Anyway, Sophie and I are here because Ree had to be in the city for a few days and invited us to tag along so we could all pretend we were like the Real Housewives of New York. But without all the catfights and excessive amounts of wine. Although we do throw around quotes from the show like “I miss the sophistication of the city” and “I’m coming from a place of yes” because they never cease to amuse us.

    Oh, and Ree also was scheduled to tape a segment for a television show.

    Maybe you’ve heard of it.

    And can we talk about how much I love that chart right under The View sign that demonstrates what to do when you cough? Television is very glamorous.

    So we arrived at the ABC studio where they film the show and they took us back to a long hallway lined with various dressing rooms. I was sitting on the couch next to Sophie while Ree was off somewhere getting her hair and makeup touched up when I heard someone yell down the hall, “I want you to come meet Benjamin Bratt”.

    Well, you better believe I shot off that sofa like someone had just fired me out of a cannon and tried to nonchalantly stand in the doorway holding my phone like I was texting when I was really trying to take a picture. My plan was working beautifully until the producer informed me that they don’t allow pictures backstage. They were coming from a place of no with the pictures.

    However, I did take this picture of a picture hanging on the wall.

    I’m just so glad I’ll have that photo to remember the whole experience.

    And I have to report that Benjamin Bratt is very handsome and very tall. I have this thing about knowing how tall actors are because Gulley and I went to the Regis and Kelly Show about eight years ago and I was astounded at how miniature everyone was in real life. I could fit Kelly Ripa in my pocket and still have room for a tube of lipgloss and maybe a pack of gum. Except I don’t put things in my pockets because it ruins the line of your clothes. Consider that your Fashion Friday tip of the week.

    (On a totally different fashion related note, everyone in this city is wearing leggings and flats. It’s a flat epidemic. Flats everywhere. And the occasional gladiator-type sandal.)

    The other guest was Andre Leon Talley from Vogue magazine. And I don’t want to say that The View is copying me, but they totally did an entire segment called Fashion Friday. Coincidence? Doubtful.

    After a few more minutes in the dressing room the producers came and led us all downstairs. Ree walked out on stage to film her segment while we watched in the green room. And then it was all over. It will air today at whatever time your ABC channel shows The View. If you’re in San Antonio and have Dish Network, I can tell you it will be on channel 12 at 10:00 a.m. If you live anywhere else or have another cable provider, I cannot help you at all.

    Then last night we went to Nobu and ate sushi and some black cod with miso that may have altered my life permanently. And I ate a dessert called Milk Chocolate Yuzu Cake that looked more like a piece of art than something edible but that didn’t stop me from eating the entire thing and contemplate licking my plate to make sure I didn’t miss anything. The whole meal will go down as one of the best meals I’ve ever had. EVER.

    But more than anything it’s just been a sweet time with sweet friends who really aren’t anything like the Real Housewives of New York. Except that we all believe in coming from a place of yes.

    And we will miss the sophistication of the city.

    Y’all have a great Friday.