So there was a point around 2:00 a.m. on Saturday morning when I believed I may not live to see 2:05 a.m. In the words of Fred Sandford, “It was the big one, Elizabeth”.
Except I didn’t think I was having a heart attack.
I had succumbed to the dreaded stomach bug. Like the worst stomach bug I ever remember having in my life.
But let me back up so I can bore you with all the details. Also, you may want to quit eating your breakfast while you read this. It starts off innocently enough, but ends in a dark, dark place that is not for the squeamish.
On Friday morning I’d scheduled a housekeeper to come clean my house because it just felt like it needed a good thorough cleaning and not the half-hearted wiping of the countertops with a damp paper towel and then lighting a candle so it smells good type of cleaning that I have perfected into an art form.
And then I left the house for the next few hours and went to Starbucks to try to get some writing done because I believe I mentioned that I am now under a deadline that is drawing closer by the day and I can’t talk about it anymore or I will have to put my head between my knees.
Caroline had early dismissal from school so I stopped by the house briefly to drop off my computer and take in the wonder that is a house you didn’t have to clean yourself and then I picked her up from school. We ran a few errands and then picked up Gulley’s boys from school and I brought them back to my house.
Let’s not even pretend that I didn’t threaten them all with all manner of spring break fun being taken away if they dared to mess up my freshly cleaned house. All I wanted was twenty-four hours of clean. No dirt on the bathmats, no mud tracked through the kitchen, no boys with bad aim using my toilet. I wanted to squeeze all the clean enjoyment I could out of my house.
In fact, at one point the kids came in and asked me to make them popcorn on the stove which I normally do on Fridays and Gulley said, “No. She’s not making you popcorn today. Her house is clean and smells clean and she doesn’t want to ruin it with popcorn smell.”
See? That’s why we’re best friends. She gets me.
And then we spent the rest of the afternoon catching up on life because we’ve both been busy lately. Later on I talked to Mimi and Bops because they were going to take Caroline out to dinner so P and I could have a night out. We’d planned it earlier in the week because there are a bunch of new restaurants that just opened in the Pearl Brewery area and we wanted to try something new and hadn’t been out in a while.
So Mimi and Bops picked up Caroline and we got dressed for dinner and decided on The Boiler House which is like a Texas Wine Garden and Grill type place. It was a great dinner. We split the fish stuffed with crabmeat and ordered a side of au gratin potatoes and some roasted brussels sprouts. And then we shared a chocolate cake with creme brulee ice cream for dessert.
Well, I say we shared it. The truth is that by the time dessert arrived I started to feel really full. And not great overall. I figured I’d just eaten too much and the feeling would pass. So I took a bite of chocolate cake and let P finish the rest.
By the time we got home I really felt bad. I was so irritated at myself for eating too much but didn’t feel like I really had in the whole scheme of things. P suggested we take a walk around the block to work off a little bit of dinner and I agreed it was a good idea. I picked up Caroline from Bops and Mimi’s house about an hour later and still felt bad. And had a hard time telling them about the fish we ate for dinner because I was really starting to feel like FISH IS EVIL.
Finally, around 11 p.m., it hit me. I ran to the bathroom. And I forever ended my relationship with fish and au gratin potatoes. They are dead to me.
Which is such a shame because I find there is really no better combo than cheese and a potato.
And here’s where I really let you peek into my twisted psyche. I was simultaneously elated that I knew my toilets were squeaky clean as I threw up repeatedly and traumatized because MY TOILETS WERE SQUEAKY CLEAN. And it was all ruined.
In hindsight, the popcorn smell wouldn’t have been that big of a deal.
Around midnight I thought it might all be over, but I was wrong. 2:00 a.m. was really the low point. I vowed to never eat again and then made my way back to bed where P asked, “Are you okay?” and I whispered, “I may never be okay again.”
The rest of the night is a blur of trips to the bathroom and wishing for death and trying not to think about potatoes and cheese or fish. I don’t know what any of this means for my former love of cheese fries.
And before you ask if it might have been food poisoning, I’ll remind you that P and I ate the exact same thing out of the exact same plates. It was clearly just an ill-timed stomach bug.
(Yes. As opposed to a stomach bug that comes at a good time. Like a plague of locusts.)
I finally fell asleep around 6:30 a.m. and woke up about 10:00 still feeling like warmed over death with a side of blech. I knew Gulley had a stockpile of Zofran from when Will was sick a while back so I texted her and said, “Zofran? Please. Help. Me.”
She was at my house in five minutes and I’ve never taken a pill so fast. And then I laid in bed for the next four hours because I couldn’t even move. P kept checking on me to see if I needed anything but lacked the ability to provide me with a new stomach lining and a case of amnesia, so instead he just kept the air-conditioning cranking and the fan on high.
I finally crawled out of bed around two on Saturday afternoon feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. About an hour later I attempted to eat a Saltine and drink some Gatorade.
On the upside, I woke up Sunday morning after sleeping twelve hours and felt much improved. However, I can’t not say the same of my relationship with food.
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Okay, due to stomach bug issues the Dallas signing has been cancelled. I am so sorry! I hate it so much, but we are going to try to reschedule. I’ll keep you posted!! Thanks for understanding!