I normally reserve this space as a place to share important things like Mabel’s haikus or a great new mascara I’ve found. Sometimes I’ll delve a little deeper and share my thoughts on the return of flare jeans (YES, PLEASE.) And you need to know it’s intentional on my part because life can get so heavy and we all have so much serious in our life that my hope is to lighten it up a bit most days.
But this past week has been a heavy, sad week for my real life community. Early last week a boy at our local high school committed suicide after being continually bullied by a group of fellow students. From what I know, the majority of this apparently took place over various social media channels and I won’t even pretend to know like I know all the ways there are these days to harass someone online. I thought I was so tech savvy because I know kids create Finstagram accounts (that’s a fake Instagram) and use Snapchat, but in the last few days I’ve read about so many other apps that make cyber bullying easier than ever.
And in these days of the fallout after this tragedy, I feel like our community is grappling with what should have been done differently, what could have been done differently, and how we keep our kids from being bullied or being a bully. Spoiler alert: I don’t know all the answers to these questions. In fact, at one of my speaking events last year someone introduced me as “a comedian and a parenting expert” and I cringed because I’m not a comedian (as evidenced by the fact no one has ever one time followed something I’ve said with a Ba-da-bum on the drums) and I am certainly no parenting expert seeing as how I’m only twelve and a half years into this job. I know as a parent I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. I’ve been too strict and I’ve been too lenient. I’ve yelled too much and I haven’t yelled enough. I’ve second guessed decisions that P and I have made and, ultimately, find myself on my knees asking God to cover the places where we are going to get it wrong. Parenting is some days like a pop quiz and -SURPRISE- there’s an essay portion at the end.
But here are a few things I do know. I know the darkness wants to come for our kids. I know that evil is everywhere and looking for a chance to whisper to them that they are less than, that they’re inadequate, that they’ll never be enough and that their life doesn’t matter. I know that bullying has gone on from the beginning of time and has never been easier now that we can hide behind a keyboard and show our rear end without showing our face. I know that many people are more fragile than they appear and we need to treat our fellow human beings with kindness and respect even when they are different from us and we don’t agree with them. And I know our kids are looking to us to model appropriate behavior. They may not act like it or acknowledge it, but they know better than anyone if who we appear to be outside our home is the same person we are inside the walls of our home.
What if we teach our kids that their true identity and security is found in Ephesians 2:10, that “they are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for them to do”? Each of us is wonderfully and fearfully made and God has put us in our families, schools, communities and world in this time and in this generation for a very specific and unique reason. And instead of finding power or making ourselves feel better by making someone else feel small and insignificant, we will never feel more empowered or confident than when we run our own race to discover the purpose for which God has created us.
What if we showed them what kindness and compassion look like? There is never any weakness in showing mercy and grace because those characteristics are the very heartbeat of God. Let’s live in a way that teaches our children the importance of loving our neighbor and that peers aren’t our competition. We can cheer each other on without being afraid it takes something from us when we realize that God has each of us exactly where we’re meant to be. The comparison trap is an endless vortex of nothingness that only serves to make us feel insecure and discontent because we are measuring our insides against someone else’s outside.
And what if we instill in them the words of 2 Timothy 1:7, “God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and sound mind”? God doesn’t want us to live in fear and we can call on his power and love to stand up to the bullies in this world and, maybe even more importantly, speak up for those who are too broken and have been hurt too badly to defend themselves. P quoted Edmund Burke at church yesterday and reminded us “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”. Let’s raise good men (and women) who aren’t afraid to speak up or do something when they see wrong.
There is so much emphasis on paying attention to what our kids see online, what apps they use on their phones, who they hang out with at school and in their free time and all those things are important. I absolutely check Caroline’s phone on a regular basis and will continue to as long as I’m paying for it and I will flat take it away from her if I ever see that she’s not using it like a responsible member of society. Our mantra here is “social media is a privilege, not a right” and I plan to say it over and over again and any eye rolling will only make me say it more and maybe even have a t-shirt made. But I think I’m realizing the most important thing is to teach her to be true to herself and who we are raising her to be even when we’re not looking, even when she’s not at school, and even when no one will know what she did, because one of these days she’ll be on her own and will need to decide these things for herself. In the meantime, we monitor, we discuss, and we discipline if something stinks in Denmark.
P talked specifically at church yesterday on Proverbs 22:6 that tells us to “train up a child in the way in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it” and how training is not really fun or easy. It takes work and perseverance and dedication to raise our kids. It takes sacrifice and commitment and dying to self as we spend eighteen short – let’s be honest LIGHTNING FAST – years while they’re under our roof pouring into them and equipping them to be responsible, productive and, ideally, employed adults. And, make no mistake, our kids will model what they see much more than what we say.
The thought that keeps running through my mind and heart as I’ve prayed over the last week is that we are called to be the light of the world, a city on a hill. In the days when Jesus spoke those words, a city lit up on a hill would have been a haven for weary travelers, a welcome sight that they were nearing a place where they could find a warm bed and a good meal to sustain them for the rest of their journey. I want our kids to be a city on a hill, a safe harbor for those who need refuge in the midst of life’s storms. And the only way I know to accomplish that is to allow the love of Christ take hold of our hearts and the hearts of our children so that we can show each other how to find a way home when we are lost, to hold out hope when we see someone is hurting and that our differences only cause each of us to reflect our own unique ray of light in the midst of a dark night.
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Amen!!
Well said. Such a sad story.
Beautifully expressed Melanie. “In Christ alone, my hope is found.”
Beautifully written!
Blessed be the peaceMAKERS ………..NOT blessed be the peace watchers…….if we are going to MAKE peace we must DO something……extend a helping hand……a prayer……a blessing
Beautifully written post! So inspired right now.
This post made my stomach drop. Raising kids in this world is so hard. Thank you for sharing and for the scripture. Praying for you community now.
Thank you for this reminder. We are all learning. We need to be sure also to let those doing right know that we see it and encourage our children to be a friend to all.
This is such a wonderful devotional this morning. The world is a scary place if we don’t have Christ.
Well said, Melanie!
Such good, sound thoughts and verses. The community of Women is often the same as children as I am constantly amazed at what grown ups will do behind a computer screen. If only we could all settle into who we are and appreciate that we aren’t all the same!! Prayers to your community too, hard days to walk through, explain, understand, see past!
This is excellent. I’m going to share it with my middle school age sons. It says what I’ve been saying to them years- but much more eloquently! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your words and you heart.
Thank you for this post! I agree and pray this is read my many and the impact is great! Parenting is hard and staying engaged can be challenging. We have to parent out of love and sound biblical principles not fear as the world in stills. Praying for families!
I honestly wish we could filter what comes out of kids’ mouths(fingers) for them. I don’t even have kids.
I have been bullied more as an adult by other adults than I ever was as a child/teen. I didn’t realize people could be so cruel and judgmental. Maybe I pretended not to notice or I ignored it well.
I do know that I grew up with a group of 5 wonderful now women and a family that embraces my free spirit ways.
I pray daily that the bullies come to terms with the world and realize it’s not what you achieve it’s how you achieve it.
Thank you for sharing.
This is definitely one of my favorite posts you’ve written. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am so sorry for the tragedy in your community. I’ll be praying for y’all.
I was hoping you would lend some words on this subject and you provided more than I could have imagined. As a parent you begin to ask yourself (and your kids) loads of questions when something like this happens. You hit the nail on the head when you said we should simply look to these words: “they are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for them to do” Kindness and compassion is what we need more of! My heart and prayers go out to the AH community during this tragedy and thank you for providing this encouragement.
Your words are powerful, thank you for them.
Melanie, you are absolutely right when you wrote that the darkness wants to come after our kids. Evil really is all around and as Christians, we adults and our kids have a big target on our backs. We must PRAY! We must combat evil with good. We must ask God to work in and through each one of to be that ‘city on a hill’.
Thank you so much for writing your heart this morning.
Very well said. We need more Christ in our world. And we need to keep fighting to keep Him there!
Amen!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this post today. I work as a school nurse, and it is always such a good reminder to hear what kids face today. I don’t always come to work with patience and grace in my heart, my life is busy and stressful, and sometimes I’m just not feeling it. But, what a reminder what the youth of today are facing. I don’t know what some of these kids are dealing with, and maybe just a smiling, friendly face that is encouraging them and cheering in their corner might make a bit of a difference. My prayer is that through God, I can be a city on a hill in the lives of my students, that I may be a bright spot in their day and offer a ray of hope that things will be OK. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this message and the scriptures. I will be reading this to my family tonight.
Do you guys have podcasts of your sermons? It sounds like yesterday’s was a keeper!
Would you consider doing a FYI post…an open discussion on all the apps that parents may NOT know about and what they do?
We have to arm ourselves with information to stay even close to technology!
Yes! Podcasts would be awesome!!! And an apps post…I had no idea that kids are making fake Instagram accounts… 🙁 But we can all help each other by sharing information. I monitor our son’s Instagram account consistently…there are sick people constantly trying to “friend” young children. It’s been a great teaching moment for us to talk with our son about not accepting strangers as friends.
Thank you. This is timely for me as a young man in our community committed suicide this weekend. I don’t know him or his family but cannot imagine the pain he experienced to get to the point of killing himself, the pain his family is experiencing and how his friends are coping today. We all have bad days but nothing is this bad.
Excellent post. My heart breaks for that precious boy and his family. Can you share the apps you have found out about this weekend? I think all of us would be interested to know about them and to see if there are new ones we are not aware of yet. Thanks!
Oh, Melanie. It’s rare that I read something that leaves me hitting print before I’m even done with the last paragraph….but, THIS. This is the cry of my heart. My oldest is the same age as your Caroline and man, it’s so tough out there for our kids. I’m printing this and reading it every stinkin’ day because I need the reminder but I also need the encouragement. Thank you.
Melanie, thank you for sharing your wisdom and thoughts. I will be praying for your community. Lately, God has really pressed upon my heart through our pastor’s sermons about having the spirit of unity. Ephesians 4 talks about how we are to walk in unity. Reading Lauren’s comments above reminds me that even adults feel bullied and we as a body of Christ need to come alongside our brothers and sisters and show love, be humble and gentle to one another. I pray we can all be a light on the hill and show God’s love to others. May we all be the light that shines for Jesus.
Oh the tears. 🙁 My heart hurts so heavily for this young man who was bullied and torn apart by words, and for his family who is grieving his absence. Thank you for sharing Words from the great comforter, as well as guidance as to what we can do to encourage our own to love, and let Christ’s light shine.
As a parent now 29 and 25 year old daughters, I tell people that our great GOD of grace, mercy, and perfect love took the imperfect, inconsistent, and sometimes sinful efforts of my husband and me and in HIS grace, mercy, and perfect love, molded them and grew them into HIS daughters (which they were all along anyway!!!)! And I believe that prayer is THE answer!
Beautiful post — prayers for the heartbreak occurring in your community in the aftermath of this tragedy.
Wonderful insights on what to teach children — I think the simple art of kindness is so often overlooked these days and it is so crucial. Saving this post for the future.
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The above comment was supposed to be a heart. 🙂
Thanks for posting this Melanie. We’ve been talking and talking with our kids this week about this, it’s so sad and so hard. I love what you wrote and I think I’m going to have Amaleah read it, it’s just so good and encouraging. I want my kids to know they are fearfully and wonderfully made and that who they are comes from the heart of God. I want them to believe truth and not lies. Praying that true growth comes from this terrible situation.
I can’t even imagine the grief! I, too, think I will share the post with my tween daughter, Claire. What a powerful and faith filled message in the midst of the tragedy. Thanks, Melanie. I feel God’s love and His hope through this beautiful gift of writing. Praying for bullies, bullied and all who need courage or wisdom to demonstrate the love of Christ (myself included).
Oh, Melanie! Good thing I read this beautiful and smart post before I put on my mascara. Your line, “Let’s live in a way that teaches our children the importance of loving our neighbor and that peers aren’t our competition” hits my heart hard today, mainly because our little town is going through its own version of ADULT cyber bullying through a couple FB sites. It has been a heart-breaking week as a small group of people have been publicly targeted with the most hateful, snarky, and immature posts and protests from a group that simply didn’t agree with one side of a public policy decision. I fear for our local kids who see adults doing this. Your last paragraph puts things back into perspective for me right now. You ended with words of encouragement reminding me that the love of Christ points the true way through those of us who persist in shining it. Thank you, thank you, Melanie!
Proverbs 22:6 is one of my struggle passages. Because I’ve seen parents who do everything right and their kids grow up to be monsters. And parents who don’t do much right at all have lovely, wonderful people they call their kids.
In my life, I did the very best I could with my kids. And now I have to step back and remember that they also get to have their free agency. Don’t get me wrong! No one’s in jail or on drugs. But even if they were, I couldn’t have their issues hung on my parenting.
Kim – thank you so much for sharing this as it can be so difficult for us parents who are trying so hard to do everything right and still have kids who struggle. I once told my sister that it’s tough b/c not only am I an imperfect parent, but I am raising imperfect kids…so even when I’ve done everything “right”, sometimes they mess up all that good parenting by making their own mistakes. 😉 I love Melanie’s message that we do the best we can by pouring love into our kids and then hope that the inevitable gaps are filled by a power higher than our own (Christ or whatever higher power in which you may believe).
Sending love and healing prayers to your community and most especially the family who lost their son as this is such a tragedy for all involved.
This has shown your heart through and through! Our kids are grown with children of their own, but this story makes my heart groan. You are so right about how some people, (sadly, not just kids!) hide behind a keyboard and say some of the most awful, crude and hurtful things about others that they don’t agree with and most don’t even KNOW the person they’re trashing! They’re showing their ugly, ugly hearts, all the while, hiding behind a screen in their own homes. This breaks my heart!
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, only that which is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Eph 4:29
Thank you, Melanie for being the wonderful mom and wife that you are. May God continue to give you the words to help other moms and grandmas raise and encourage our children and grands to love and respect God’s creations.
Parenting is a full time commitment. My daughter is 24 and I still check on her everyday to tell her we are here for her and love her UNCONDITIONALLY!
Amen and amen! My kids are now 26 and 24 so when they were growing up, we didn’t have to deal with social media. It’s a different world now, and I’m already seeing how much my 2-1/2 yo grandson loves phones, ipads, etc. Praying for you moms and dads that have to navigate this crazy mine field of technology and all that comes with it – the good and the bad! (P.S. I think you should market the T-shirt with the social media slogan – it would definitely sell!!!!)
Amen! Very well said. Thank you for sharing. Parenting is hard. I think parenting teenagers is proving harder than parenting toddlers. The hours are WAY worse, for sure! Thank you for your obedience to God in your parenting and sending a bright light of His love out into the world.
You take all the time you need to write posts like this. We need this as much as we need Mabel and Piper and mascara news.
This mama of 15 year olds has a heart that beats like yours: scared but ready for whatever comes, with God on our side.
Thanks.
Beautifully expressed, Thank you. God is working through you today.
Your timing could not have been more perfect.
This is Lovely, Mel!
You’re so right, I don’t have much to add.
If they haven’t already, please have someone in your community trained in the Lifelines Suicide Prevention Program. They take a ‘both, and’ approach. Teaching kids about the dangers of bullying and suicide AND teaching communities how to respond well when it happens. As a teacher, learning this material has been some of the most valuable professional development I’ve ever had.
Praying for your community.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS! I’ve never commented on a blog before, but your words are so inspiring and EXACTLY what needs to be said right now. Thank you!
So very tragic, but thank you for sharing. Nice to know I am not the only one
who stalks my teen’s phone and her social media.
Melanie – This is magnificently written and you perfectly articulated my thoughts and feelings. I share in your pain for the senseless loss of precious young lives. When my son was a Sr. in high school one of his friends gave his life to escape the mental and emotional torture he was suffering. My son (Graham) was not a close friend but had attended school with him since kindergarten. They shared a car ride each morning to the elementary school where they served the same class of first-graders in an Americorp program. Graham was devastated and felt like such a failure because he didn’t recognize his friend’s pain and had missed the opportunity to reach out. The tragedy was not the result of bullying but sadly the outcome was no different. This first-grade class loved their helper deeply and it broke their hearts to learn he would never return. If this young man had only known how much he was loved and cared for by so many people. What could we or anyone done differently? That question will always remain.
This tragedy occurs too frequently. This school year alone a student from our local high school endured as bullying as he could take. A freshman where my daughter attends college violently ended his life.
I know for sure something has to change. What I can’t figure out is how can I make a difference, if for only one fragile and broken heart.
Selena
So wonderfully written! I have a First Grader and my heart sinks everytime I hear of kids being mean to each other. I know it can get much worse as they get older. I so appreciate the encouragement!
Your serious posts are important too. Thank you for that!
Best post I’ve read in a long time. I love reading your funny stuff, but today’s post struck a chord. My oldest will turn 18 tomorrow. Lightening speed doesn’t even seem fast enough to describe it. He is a city on a hill and God’s workmanship. Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you. Great insight, that I needed today.
This is one of your best Mel! Raising kids today is hard, raising them to be men or women of God is harder. Thanks for your insight and for your heart.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made….don’t we all forget this from time to time. Even as adults we do, but more importantly our children need to realize this. I worry every day about my children and how they are treated and how they are treating others. I’ll be showing both of them your post tonight. Thank you for such true words that we all need to remember.
This is SO GOOD, Melanie! My heart is broken for the family and friends of that boy, but thank you so much for saying all of this. May we have the courage to live it!
Yes this very thing right here! It’ll preach now! I think we can all be better at this even in “adult church circles”. Thank Melanie I love that you keep it lighter most of the time. But this was a good reminder.
You may not be an “expert” Melanie but you have an amazing heart! Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom and love.
A thousand times “yes” to all that you have so beautifully written.
I would add a thought regarding the child bullies. So many of these children are in pain and have no intact adult figure in their lives. They lack someone to monitor, encourage, advise them. Their pain has to go someplace, and too often it goes out into cyberspace to destroy others. While we as Godly parents are on our knees, I wonder if we might find the grace to pray for the bullies, too. Sadly, we might be the only ones doing so.
Thank you so much for this post! Although my girls are still little, I have a class of twenty 3rd graders who heard this same speech from me just this morning. Your words matter. Whether they are spoken to the person, said about the person, orally or in writing, your words matter. They have the ability to build up or tear down. Our default as a culture right now seems to be to tear down-in jest or in seriousness. We tend to discourage instead of encourage. It’s time to change that.
Thank you! This really impacted me today. My kids are still young, but I can see where we are headed and at times it downright terrifies me. Thank you for the wisdom and encouragement you’ve shared through your beautiful words.
Thank you Melanie, my girls are young and it scares the heck out of me knowing what they will be going through. Your word are comforting and very true. I will be praying for your community!
So beautiful said. Thank you for being one of the light-bearers and hope-bringers.
Thank you so much for writing this! It is tough parenting in this age of social media, but your words have inspired me to keep on in the training of my girls and to model the behavior I would like to see myself.
Beautiful – thank you for this.
Proverbs 22:6 is constantly my prayer for my grown kids.
I pray for His peace for the family during this horrible time.
Thank you for this Mel. So beautiful and well said. I am praying for your community and family during this horribly sad time.
I’m grateful for your message and align with your thinking SO much. Thank you!
Amen! Wonderful!
Well written, Melanie. I work in a guidance office of a local high school. It’s heart breaking to see the brokenness in some children and families. It is also awe inspiring to see other student shine their light and make a difference in others.
Great post – I don’t have kids but I have nieces and nephews and I’ve seen bullying up close – it’s scary what people say and do to each other in person, hiding behind social media and using others to do their dirty work. We really must pray on a daily/sometimes hourly basis for our families and kids do what you do more than what you say.
Bravo Melanie! Bravo!
So so good. I thought you were the best when I read about Aunt camp. This tops it. ?
So very sad. I brings to mind that my grandson, who lives with me and is learning disabled, was teased/bullied in high school. He never said a word to me about it, but his teachers did. Thank God he stuck it out and graduated…by the grace of God.
So glad I’m not raising a child today! One of our grandson’s best friends committed suicide a few days before school started for his freshman year. I have such a hard time processing that in my mind. At that age they should be enjoying life instead of looking for a way to escape. Parenting is so important.
Thank you, Melanie.
Amen! I am not sure the topic/theme of your next book, but in my opinion you just wrote the intro! ?
yes
I think you just found what to write your upcoming book about. Beautiful words.
Yes!! See below!!
Thanks, Melanie. I struggle with being overwhelmed at the checking of the media. Doesn’t it feel like we could only do that all day long and never get anything else done? And say you check everything you know about; there’s always something new popping up. Regarding the kids and their words and fingers, sometimes I wish Sophie would share her wisdom on this. She hints at her work–and I know it’s proprietary–but I wish she would very generally help a sister out, in terms of guidance from the inside. Work on that with her, would you? Maybe you could do it together from a mother/teacher perspective or a daughter side/son side.
So beautiful and so heartbreaking. Watching my son over years and years suffer from mean comments and exclusion by his peers, seeing his confidence and self-esteem slowly erode, seeing him develop hard edges and a defensive attitude – such a painful experience. Sometimes prayer is my only tool. Fortunately, it is a powerful one. We must have faith that prayer plus unconditional love from family will pull him through, hopefully with a compassionate spirit. I pray for all the kids who don’t have a strong family to pull them through – hopefully they can find the peace and support they need.
May I respectfully suggest some counseling for your son? I am praying for your family.
Thank you so much for writing about this topic. I am a mental healthy counselor and am always devastated to learn how often children think of suicide as an option. It is a scary and contagious thought. When one attempts or thinks …often their are more to follow. We had a horrible hazing situation in a town near us and I pray hard for children and young adults who seek to harm others for their own gain or pleasure.
I am so sorry for the heartbreak of your community. Unfortunately, we all know what that feels like. Too many people (and one is too many) take advantage of others on social media. Bullying – at any age – is so easy from a keyboard. P’s quote from Edmund Burke was right on – too often, we do not speak up or take up for others. Parenting is a mine field today. And I guess it really always has been. But the today’s technology opens so many new avenues to take away our “sound mind” on both sides of the screen. May God give each of us His Spirit of power, love and a sound mind. May we be that City on a Hill of refuge to someone else. Praying for y’all!
Sharing with my five boys tomorrow. I think (hope) the older ones are on their way to becoming Cities On a Hill, but this will be a great story to share for additional impetus.
Love all your posts – funny, thought provoking, whatever…
I read this yesterday and I am still thinking about it. It is so beautifully written. You are a truly gifted writer to be able to be so hilariously funny, but to also be incredibly wise with serious topics.
I cannot imagine raising children now. I pray so often for my four grandchildren and those yet to come. I do believe we have an enemy prowling around who goes after our children. I am just thankful to know that greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world.
Saying prayers for the grieving family.
Thank you for sharing this! Very well written, and may we all remember that if we follow the example of Jesus and do our best to be like Him, LOVE will come first. Praying for your community and for you as you become a “city on a hill” for many.
Melanie,
I’m sorry for your community’s loss. I’ve been where you are–as a friend and neighbor of a 13 year old boy who, after being bullied, committed suicide. I was there that morning, with my friend, as her world was crushed.
Like a Phoenix rising, this family took this horrible situation, and did what they felt they had to do–went out into the world to help others avoid this situation. John and Kelly Halligan now speak around the world to students and parents in honor of their son, Ryan Patrick Halligan. If you or your readers would like to, please visit their website, and maybe even consider a visit from the Halligans to your middle and high school. God bless you all.
http://www.ryanpatrickhalligan.org/
Thank you for your timely post. A popular football captain and straight-A student in our community took his life this week – so heartbreaking. http://whotv.com/2016/01/13/waukee-community-mourns-student-who-took-his-life-parents/
So beautifully written, Melanie. God bless the young man who felt he had no other choice than to commit suicide and shame, shame, shame on those who drove him to make that choice.
Beautifully said Melanie. And it just breaks my heart to hear stories like this because it could be any one of us that it happens to their family.
Amen Melanie