Author: Big Mama

  • As if I didn’t have enough to worry about

    Right now I’m pretty much in full Ecuador freak out.

    By which I mean I’m a little stressed about getting all my ducks in a row before I leave for Ecuador on Monday morning, not some new kind of dance or anything. Just thought I should clarify after the whole “hot garbage” debacle this week.

    I have an extra large, very empty suitcase sitting in my bathroom and some very sporty cargo pants and long sleeve outdoorsy-type shirts that are just waiting to be sprayed down with the high-powered mosquito spray I ordered from Cabelas a few weeks ago. I don’t know what I’m looking forward to the most, dodging the mosquitoes in the rainforest or getting to dress like P for two days in a row.

    But I still need to go to the grocery store and Target and load up on Immodium AD because, you know, I’m going to South America and here’s hoping I don’t need it but that’s not the kind of chance you want to take. Especially after I read in my travel guide that one of the local delicacies is roasted guinea pig. As in a guinea pig.

    I think I’m going to pass.

    Although I bet it tastes like chicken.

    And since I have Ecuador on my brain or en mi cerebro as they might say there, (I have no idea if that’s right) I thought about a discussion I had with Gulley’s boys the other day.

    I picked Jackson and Will up from school a couple of weeks ago. We were catching up on all the important news, who played with who at recess and what they served in the cafeteria that day, when I asked if they knew I was going to Ecuador and the Amazon Rainforest in November.

    Will said, “OH MEL! My friend Trey in my class loves piranhas. Can you bring him back a piranha?”

    “Well. That might be a little hard to do. I’m kind of hoping I don’t come across any piranhas. Plus, what if they bite me?”

    Will responded, “They won’t bite. They don’t really eat people, Mel.”

    But that’s when Jackson interrupted. And here is a side story that may not seem relevant right now, but bear with me. Gulley and I have always laughed at Nena’s (that’s Gulley’s grandmother if you’re new here) ability to go straight to worst case scenario. She has a gift. And she likes to bring you right to her level of worry. Nena isn’t the person you want to call if you have a hangnail and are slightly concerned and looking for a little reassurance. She is a walking WebMD and will take you straight to a place of total despair. Calling Nena is worse than googling your symptoms on the internet.

    For example, Gulley has repeatedly told me about a time she had a pimple on her face and Nena told her not to pick at it because she knew a girl who did that one time and the pimple got infected and SHE DIED.

    Nena has known people who have died from toothaches, mosquito bites, ingrown hairs, and over-plucking their eyebrows. She also once knew a girl who agreed to break up with her boyfriend because her parents promised they’d buy her a pet monkey instead. That has nothing to do with this story, but it always makes me laugh so I felt like I should throw it in. It’s like a bonus.

    Anyway, Will had just informed me that piranhas don’t eat people when Jackson piped up and announced, “YES THEY DO, WILL. THEY DO EAT PEOPLE. I just heard a story the other day about a bus driver that was driving a bus full of people down to the Amazon River and he fell asleep at the wheel and drove the bus right into the river and everyone on board got eaten by piranhas. THEY ALL DIED.”

    It was like Nena had just climbed in the back seat of my car.

    I have no doubt Jackson’s story will bring me great comfort as I ride ON A BUS DOWN TO THE AMAZON RIVER next week.

  • Back to junior high

    Well I inadvertently created a lot of confusion yesterday. I didn’t mean to send you all searching the internet for a candy product called Hot Garbage.

    When I wrote my list of Halloween candy from best to worst, I literally meant hot garbage. As in I’d rather eat garbage that is hot before I’d eat Twizzlers or Dots or Lemonheads. I find them to be waxy and tasteless and similar to chewing on a shoe. Well, except for Lemonheads. They’re like chewing on an inexplicably sour shoe.

    I hope that clears it up.

    So you know what I did yesterday?

    (Besides lament that no one got my hot garbage humor?)

    I spent the day with a bunch of sixth graders from the local junior high. One of my friends is an English teacher and thought it might be fun to have me come in and talk to the kids about how to write a personal narrative. And I agreed it might be fun just as soon as she explained to me what a personal narrative is.

    It turns out it’s what I write on the blog every day. Who knew this fell into any kind of real category other than PURE NONSENSE?

    So I tried to put together a little talk on writing that I hoped would appeal to sixth graders. The only problem was I don’t really know any sixth graders. And I haven’t been a sixth grader in twenty-nine years. All I really remember about that whole experience is that the sixth grade band director at Bammel Middle School made me play the flute instead of the clarinet because my mouth was shaped wrong for the flute. Clearly I still bear the scars of my flute rejection.

    I also remember that I wore an unfortunate red gingham shirt with a denim prairie skirt and Sperry topsiders in my school picture that year. And that my front teeth were enormous in proportion to the rest of my face.

    And none of those things really have anything to do with writing.

    I told them about the importance of noticing the things around you and trying to make them interesting. We talked about how you have to write often to write well and that reading a variety of books makes you a better writer. I may have told them that they’ll rarely use Geometry once they’re in the real world, but they will always have a need to write well. And I told them not to get caught up in the trap of feeling like what they write has to be perfect on the first or even second attempt. I think it’s obvious that isn’t my struggle. Perfectionism requires a lot of time and effort.

    Then I confessed that I graduated from college before I ever knew that the internet existed.

    That’s when they all looked at me like I was a walking, breathing antique. Like their Great Aunt Maude had just walked into the room and put her teeth out on the table and hiked up her girdle.

    In reality they were very sweet and much more attentive than I thought they’d be. Even though I’m pretty sure they didn’t get any of my jokes. They asked a lot of questions and it was a lot of fun. And I told a few of them (Lilly and Katherine) that I’d mention them by name on the blog today.

    And here’s what I learned:

    1. Sixth grade was a long time ago.

    2. I have a new respect for teachers that get up and teach the same class multiple times in a day. My throat was sore and I was sick of myself by the end of the day.

    3. Sixth graders are a lot cuter than I remember being at that age.

    4. Apparently it’s okay to wear Nike running shorts with cowboy boots. I had no idea.

    5. I’m pretty sure anyone who graduated from college before the internet was invented is too old to wear running shorts and cowboy boots.

    Here’s hoping they learned at least that much.

  • It’s 11-1-11 and this is the best I could do

    Am I supposed to write something right now? Because I’d love to but I think I’m in the midst of a Hot Tamale/Reeses Peanut Butter Cup hangover. To be more precise, I’ve hit the low after my earlier sugar high and typing seems to be taking a lot of effort.

    So here are a few quick things I thought I’d share. You’ll be shocked at how little value or substance each one contains.

    1. Our disco queen thoroughly enjoyed her trick or treating experience. But her disco shoes had to be replaced with Toms after about six houses.

    Nobody ever said being a diva is easy.

    2. I am in the throes of full on Ecuador trip panic. And my lack of readiness. It’s like I think I’m going to spend the week in Pleasanton, Texas. I really need to make a list of all the things I need to do before I leave on Monday.

    But then I’m afraid the list will stress me out.

    So I’m continuing to go with my current plan which weighs heavily on the side of denial.

    3. Many of y’all asked about Gulley’s Sally O’Malley costume. Some gals may try to hide it but she is proud to let you know that her husband found those sweet red pants for her at the Goodwill store.

    And they were actually stirrup pants but she just tucked in the stirrup.

    Can we please have a moment of silence for the woman that actually once wore a pair of bright red stirrup pants with an elastic waistband?

    4. As I looked through Caroline’s Halloween loot after she went to bed, I was a little dismayed to see a surprising number of Dots. There was also a handful of loose popcorn which is even more disturbing. Can you really not put it in a bag?

    But it made me think about Halloween candy and wonder about what people prefer. What’s your ideal Halloween candy assortment?

    This is mine (in descending order from best to worst because it’s very scientific)

    A. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
    B. Snickers
    C. Hot Tamales
    D. Kit Kats
    E. Twix
    F. Candy Corn
    G. Hot Garbage
    H. Dots
    I. Twizzlers
    J. Lemonheads

    I may have left out a few things, but this is a pretty close estimation.

    5. Today (11/1/11) at 11AM central, the LifeWay folks are having a Facebook launch party to celebrate the release of Beth Moore’s new Bible study, James: Mercy Triumphs. There will be a live webcast, lots of giveaways and a whole lot more.

    See y’all tomorrow.

  • Saturday night fever

    Well.

    So this happened at our house this weekend.

    Oh yes it did.

    (Don’t get excited, ladies. This isn’t eHarmony or one of those dating sites. He’s taken.)

    We spent much of last week deliberating over what to dress up as for the Halloween party on Saturday night. I took all your suggestions to heart and was really tempted to go as Coach and Tami Taylor. But the problem is that’s not much different than how we look every day. And when it comes to Halloween parties I like a little more flair.

    Caroline had decided over a month ago to be a disco queen. In fact, she loved the costume so much that she slept with the catalog every night until I finally broke down and ordered it. So it seemed to make good sense to continue on with a seventies theme for the whole family. Like our own little version of the Partridges. But without the bus.

    Only because we couldn’t get a bus on such short notice because, otherwise, OH YES A BUS.

    Once we decided on a seventies theme we quickly realized we might have a key component of P’s outfit at our disposal. A rust-colored velour jogging suit complete with a pullover top with a half-zip feature.

    Why? Why did we have access to such a thing?

    Because my dad has had it in his closet since some time in the late 70s. And he’s kept it all these years. AND I know for a fact that he’s worn the pants at least as recently as 1994 because he had them on when a blind date came to pick me up at his house and I was mortified. As it turned out my blind date was a guy who wore a gold pinky ring without a trace of irony so it was probably for the best. Although he probably felt like we were meant for each other after he noticed my dad was wearing some sweet rust-colored velour pants with a slight bell bottom.

    So I called to make sure dad still owned the jogging suit and Mimi confirmed it was safe and sound in the VERY BACK of his closet because I think we all live in fear that he might wear it if he could find it. I asked if P could borrow it and Dad agreed, as long as we were very careful with it. After all, it’s a family heirloom.

    The fit was questionable, but we decided that only added to its charm. And then I spent Friday scouring vintage and costume stores searching for all the other parts of our costumes. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt the thrill of shopping satisfaction I felt when I found a pair of sweet zip-up boot shoes for P for only $11.00. And that wig with the lamb chops? God loves me.

    So here we are before we left for the party.

    We’d just barely walked into the party when P saw a guy he’d gone to high school with that he hadn’t seen in twenty years. And it gave me great joy to see him have to reintroduce himself while he looked like the love child of Tony Manero and Gabe Kotter.

    Then a few minutes later, Gulley and her husband arrived.

    If you ever wonder why Gulley is my best friend, you need only to look at this photo.

    She can kick. She can stretch. She’s FIFTY.

    That’s right. Sally O’Malley. And her husband is More Cowbell. It made me so happy.

    The best part is there were times in the night when I’d look across the room and see P engaged in a serious conversation while wearing that jogging suit and that huge wig while he talked to Gulley’s husband who was also wearing a huge wig and holding a cowbell and it would make me laugh all over again.

    And then Gulley would hike her pants up and stretch and kick and announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals that’s afraid to tell her real age and I like to KICK, STRETCH and KICK! I’M 50! 50 years old, 50 years old.”

    Meanwhile, the kids bounced in the bounce house, got soaked bobbing for apples and ran around and played soccer and tug of war.

    Honestly I’m not totally sure which age group had the most fun, but I think it may have been the adults.

    Y’all have a Happy Halloween.

  • Fashion Friday: Edition let’s make this quick

    This may be the shortest edition of Fashion Friday ever for a few reasons. But there’s a giveaway announcement at the end so make sure you don’t miss that part.

    1. I really struggled to find things I liked this week.

    2. I spent most of yesterday chaperoning a third grade field trip to the museum.

    3. Then I found out at 4:00 that we were supposed to make a map of Caroline’s bedroom complete with a compass key and a legend.

    4. That caused me to take six Advil.

    5. And now I am ready for bed.

    So, without further adieu, here are a few things that I think are cute. Think being the key word.

    1. flounced pintuck parka

    Yes, I’ve shown this before. But now it’s on sale for $99.95

    2. parsonage towne crochet vest

    I like this. But would probably wear it without the belt or maybe with a wider belt.

    3. flannel lounge pants

    Yes. These.

    4. short sleeve sweater dress

    I bought this exact dress in charcoal gray last year and I love it. It looks great with tights or leggings. And it’s 40% off.

    5. leather jacket

    Did you know that you can shop at H&M online now? YOU CAN. My life may never be the same.

    6. black blazer

    See? Something else from H&M. This is a great black blazer at a great price.

    7. anything but bored boots

    These are pretty cute boots and great price.

    8. above and beyond dress

    I love so many things at The Blue Door Boutique, but I picked this one to show.

    9. lucky brand allison sheer peasant top

    This would look really great with jeans and cowboy boots.

    10. daniel rainn lattice blouse

    I am a big fan of Daniel Rainn tops. They always look great on and are fairly affordable. This one is great because it could be dressed up or down depending on the occasion.

    That’s it for today.

    Y’all have a great Friday.
    ____________________________________

    I recently had the chance to try Bare Escentuals new Bare Minerals 2.0 eyeshadow and am a big fan. For a chance to win your own Bare Minerals eyeshadow just click on over to my giveaway page.

  • Our song is the slammin’ screen door

    So about a month ago I decided it might be fun to get tickets and take Caroline to see Taylor Swift. And then I thought it might be fun to see if my friend Julie and her daughter wanted to come with us. But Julie was going to be out of town, so I offered to just take her daughter. And then decided it might be fun to see if Gulley wanted to go with us.

    Are you following me? I’m sure I could come up with a better lead in for this post but that would take more effort than I’m willing to expend at the moment. I’m very tired from all the late night concert antics of Tuesday night and emotionally spent after watching the season finale of Rachel Zoe.

    Who knew she was going to be so maternal? Who knew they made Gucci loafers for a six-week-old baby?

    But back to Taylor Swift. I surprised Caroline with the news after school one day and she was so excited that she actually began to cry. This was a first. I’ve never seen her so excited about anything, not even when she shot two hogs with one shot. It made me feel like she might actually have a little bit of my DNA coursing through her veins.

    We counted down the days and listened to “Mean” more times than I believed humanly possible. And we bought a super sparkly top for her to wear to the concert because seeing Taylor requires sequins.

    Please imagine in your mind that the twinkle from the sequins in that photo make a sound like “TING” as the light hits the camera. TING!

    Tuesday night we all ate dinner and then drove to the AT&T Center to see Taylor Swift live and in person. And, MY WORD, it did not disappoint.

    Maybe that explains why my hand is on my chest in that picture. As if to convey MY WORD.

    Granted, it has been years since I’ve been to a concert. YEARS. Unless you count the performances I’ve seen at the rodeo over the last several years and I know now that those absolutely don’t count.

    In fact I’ve tried to remember the last concert I attended. I definitely remember going to see Bobby Brown (BOBBY B!) in concert at the Montagne Center my senior year in high school. And I have vague recollections of going to see Stacy Q. (Two of hearts, two hearts that beat as one) at some point when I was sixteen or seventeen. But I can’t remember why on earth I would have gone to see Stacy Q. Except I think maybe she was there with Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam. If you are reading this and went to high school with me can you confirm this? (Tracey? Did you go with me to see Stacy Q.?)

    Oh. And I went to see George Strait in concert in Austin before P and I were married. And while George is great, he’s more of a stand and play the guitar kind of performer.

    What I’m saying is that maybe Taylor Swift’s concert is just the way the kids do it these days. But it was IMPRESSIVE. I lost count after she changed into her ninth dress. And the stage kept changing. There was a bridge and a wedding set and then a county fair-type thing. And there were fireworks and a large bell that rose up from the stage and a woman popped out like we were at Cirque de Soleil. And at the end she sang Love Story and got in some kind of balcony-thing and flew all around the whole place. Which made me so happy because Caroline and Sadie both showed that they take after their daddies when they remarked, “Wow. If that thing falls it could really hurt a lot of people.”

    My pictures could not be worse. I am so sorry. That’s what happens when you just bring your ancient iPhone to a concert.

    And then she walked through the crowd and sang by this tree that popped up out of nowhere.

    Caroline just sat there and took it all in. I even asked her at one point if something was wrong and she just shook her head and continued to absorb it all. Gulley and I could not get over how fast Taylor (we’re on a first name basis) changed clothes. She’d be in a gold ballgown with her hair down and then two seconds later pop up somewhere else in a short red dress with her hair in a braid.

    Gulley even started channeling Nena. I’d hear her next to me whispering, “Well, GOOD NIGHT.”

    That picture is proof that you should never lean back at that angle while taking a picture of yourself and your best friend.

    Anyway, kudooz to Taylor Swift. I think she’s going to make quite a name for herself.

    And in totally unrelated news, we finished our Aslan pumpkin. Not to be confused with an Asian pumpkin.

    Is it just me or does he lack the majesty you’d expect from Aslan? Does he look more like a shaggy dog?

    Wait. Don’t answer that.

    The important thing is Caroline thinks he’s a great Aslan and I’m happy with that. Sadly, one of his googly eyes has gone missing and will need to be replaced before school in the morning.

    And now I have no idea how to bring a post about Taylor Swift and an Aslan pumpkin to a close. It seems like there would be a joke there somewhere, but I can’t come up with anything.

    See y’all tomorrow.