Author: Big Mama

The real question

Yesterday I mentioned that my friend AJ was in town during Christmas. She came over Christmas Eve morning and we caught up on life while I was immersed in completing my baking agenda.

Eventually the topic turned to dating and boys because AJ is a single girl in her twenties and I always feel the need to get in her business and find out if anything is new on the dating front.

Because that’s what married women who are approaching their late thirties do. It’s like a requirement.

On a totally different note, I had a small get together with some of my friends about two weeks ago and during conversation I used the phrase, “As I approach my late thirties…” Gulley stopped me mid-sentence to inform me that I am no longer “approaching my late thirties” but have actually reached that destination.

‘Tis true.

After Gulley reads this later today, she’s going to call me and apologize for how rude that sounded and that she didn’t mean to be rude. And I’ll assure her that one of the reasons I love her is because she will stop me in mid-sentence to remind me that I have safely arrived at my late thirties.

It keeps me grounded. And also reminds me that I need to buy more Oil of Olay next time I’m at the store.

Anyway, I asked AJ about this one boy and she said, “I don’t know. I’m not sure what I think about him.”

Caroline was busy rummaging through the cabinets for cinnamon or more candy canes or a straight up I.V. filled with high fructose corn syrup, but she popped her head out long enough to look at AJ and ask, “Well, would you want to go on a field trip with him?”

I don’t know that any question has ever brought me more joy. While I’m so glad that P is the only one I plan to go on field trips with for the rest of my life, I’m a little sad that I won’t be able to employ “I’d like to go on a field trip with him” as a euphemism for dating.

But I felt that I had to share it with any of the single girls who read the blog. It’s my belated Christmas gift to you.

And honestly I think it’s a good question to ask the next time a boy comes along. Sure he may be cute, but would you want to go on a field trip with him?

Because it’s one thing to like someone enough to sit across from them and carry on a semi-interesting conversation over a nice dinner, but to like someone enough that you’d be willing to ride a yellow school bus with no air-conditioning to go visit a zoo or some sort of farm where you have to pet the livestock just to spend time with them?

That’s when you know it’s true love.
Christmas joy brought to you by Duracell

Wow.

Where do I even begin to recap all the Christmas festivities? So much has happened in the last few days and yet I think you will find approximately ZERO of it interesting in the least. I will confess, in spite of multiple trips to various retail establishments that sell Secret Flawless Invisible Solid with a delightful tropical smell, that I am still using P’s Degree COOL SPORT for men because I have developed some type of hygiene block when it comes to purchasing new deodorant. My mom even gave me a gift certificate to Sephora for Christmas, which means I could go buy some fancy deodorant made out of ground-up fairies wings if I were so inclined. And yet I continue to smell like a COOL SPORT.

Caroline and I spent most of Christmas Eve just like this. Even though this picture doesn’t even begin to accurately depict the mess that was my kitchen.

I decided to wait until Christmas Eve morning to roll out all my cinnamon roll dough because I wanted the rolls to be fresh for Christmas morning. (Yes, I consider “fresh” to be anything less than 24 hours old. Whatever.) The problem was that I failed to really think through my baking agenda (How self-righteous does that sound? A baking agenda?) and forgot that I also needed to make another batch of toffee and a pecan pie, in addition to baking fourteen pans of cinnamon rolls and putting together a breakfast casserole for the next morning. You know what else I needed? A shower before the Christmas Eve service at our church that started at 4:00.

Which meant we left our house at 3:00 because P was struggling with some Christmas Eve traffic paranoia.

And found us sitting all alone in the sanctuary for fifty minutes before the service actually began.

We left church and went straight to Mimi and Bops’ house to eat tamales and open presents. Caroline read The Christmas Story to all of us and my heart melted into a big puddle of figgy pudding.

And by, The Christmas Story, I mean the one about Jesus being born in a manger, not the one about Ralphie getting his eye shot out.

Just wanted to be clear.

Then it was time to open presents and it was hard to tell if Caroline was excited about the bike Mimi and Bops bought for her.

On a total side note that has nothing to do with anything, AJ was in town over Christmas and told me that I really needed to get a new camera. After looking at my Christmas pictures, I’m not sure the problem is with the equipment as much as it is the operator. Wouldn’t it have been a kick to actually get my dad’s head in that last picture?

We came back home and I made Caroline pose in front of the Christmas tree because we were so rushed getting out the door an HOUR EARLY for church that I forgot to take one before we left.

She opened up a new Christmas nightgown, set out some toffee for Santa and reindeer food for the reindeer, and went straight to bed. I waited about an hour to make sure she was really out for the night and then told Santa it was okay to get to work.

That’s when Santa discovered that the Chinese elves didn’t feel the need to include instructions in the Zhu Zhu Fun House or the Zhu Zhu Garage and Hamster Mobile. And you know what makes Santa feel panicky and angry and maybe like he (or she) needs a glass of extra-strong eggnog?

Being surrounded by cheap plastic parts that give no indication of how they are supposed to be put together.

If the whole thing was – as I most definitely suspect and have come up with all sorts of conspiracy theories to prove I am right – some sort of plot to determine the intelligence of the average American citizen, then I failed miserably. Of course something tells me I already failed that test when I paid more than retail price in a desperate attempt to secure a fake rat for my child.

The packaging just sat there and taunted me with its scary depiction of a clawed hamster until P finally helped me figure out how to get the whole thing assembled. I’m embarrassed to say it wasn’t really that hard.

Caroline woke up Christmas morning and walked in to see what Santa had left. It’s always surprised me that she doesn’t get overly animated about Santa considering how over the top she is in her reactions to almost everything else. For instance, we drove by Hollywood Video yesterday and she noticed it was permanently closed down and began to cry because IT WAS HER FAVORITE PLACE EVER. EVER!!!

Yet Christmas morning she just casually strolls out and kind of looks around. An array of Santa toys obviously can’t compare to the aisles of movies available at Hollywood Video.

She saw her new houseshoes and said, “Oh Mama, look! Santa must have stopped at Gap on his way into town!”

Of course he did. Who can resist all those signs in the window declaring up to 70% off already reduced merchandise? Santa is no fool.

And may have even bought a new sweater for his or her self.

Then Caroline finally noticed her Zhu Zhu Pet.

She let the Zhu Zhu, who is currently being called Ella as opposed to Chunk, go for a little spin in the hamster mobile.

I walked out of the bathroom and nearly tripped over a white rat driving a blue car. That hasn’t happened since I was in college.

We ate some homemade cinnamon rolls and breakfast casserole before we opened the rest of the presents. Caroline got a Fur Real Friend from my mom and was so excited about it.

She named her Pearl.

(Pearl arrived via Amazon and still needed to be gift wrapped. I cannot tell you how many years it took off my life when I went to wrap Pearl and she MEOWED at me. It was like I was trying to wrap one of the devil’s minions.)

I started to get a complex about my poor child getting all manner of battery-operated pets for Christmas. Will there come a day when she’ll sit around with her friends while they all tell stories of the Christmas they got a brand new puppy? And she’ll say, “I remember the Christmas I received a fake hamster and a fake cat! That was the best Christmas ever. My mom didn’t have to worry about cedar chips or a litter box!”

Although, in all fairness, Santa did bring her a real fish for Christmas several years ago. Which is almost like a puppy but without all the warmth and the cuddling.

I guess for now I’ll console myself with the fact that she seemed pretty satisfied with her battery-powered menagerie.

Look at P in the background. Putting together that Zhu Zhu Pet Funhouse without directions wiped him out.

Or maybe it was just a cinnamon roll coma.

Or the eggnog.

Or some combination therein.

Hope y’alls was merry.

Oh and don’t forget to enter the Hersheys $100 Gift Card Giveaway by clicking over here and leaving a comment if you haven’t already. You have until New Year’s Eve.
We wish you a Merry Christmas
You sit on a throne of lies

A few years ago, my mom emailed these pictures of me sitting on Santa’s lap.

Apparently the enormous chair with pom-pom fringe was a big part of the 1970’s era Santa.

Also, nice all-denim ensemble I’m wearing, complete with rollers in my hair. Something tells me this was an unplanned Santa visit.

However, this next trip was clearly orchestrated because why else would I be wearing my festive harvest gold tights with my harvest gold turtleneck and denim jumper?

This next Santa was a long way from the fancy throne at the mall. I have vague memories of walking into a double-wide trailer parked outside the Bealls store.

I think the imitation wood paneling really says it all.

And speaking of imitation, it’s a sad day when Santa can’t even afford a real fireplace.

Dang. That is one ghetto Santa set up.

I asked my mom to send a few more pictures last night because I was feeling a little nostalgic. A few hours later, she emailed several to me. She couldn’t remember how to work her scanner so she had my stepdad take pictures of the pictures with his digital camera.

You can hardly tell.

Oh look. This was a big Christmas for me. It was the year Santa brought me my very own curling brush.

It was the beginning of my quest for big hair.

And here I am in 1988.

It would appear that I finally mastered the technique for maximum hair volume.

I also cannot express how much I loved that outfit. It had a green jacket that went on top of that purple shirt and I believe I even had some purple flats to bring it all together.

Merry Christmas indeed.

Anyway, none of this really has any point other than to force you to take a walk down memory lane with me.

And to serve as a procrastination device before I force myself into the kitchen to bake untold amounts of holiday goods.

And to help me forget that this is in my backyard right now.

I’m afraid the reindeer won’t land for fear they’re being hunted.
On dasher, on dancer, on sudafed and vixen

So. I have no voice.

Actually, I do have a little bit of a voice that sounds like a cross between Kim Carnes and someone who has smoked seven packs of cigarettes a day for the last fifty years, but not as smooth. In fact, I attempted to sing Silent Night to Caroline for her bedtime lullaby and she asked me to please stop. Granted, the coughing fit I had between the first and second verses kind of killed the mood.

On Friday I had to get out of bed and rally in time to go pick up three dozen cupcakes for Caroline’s class party. I’m not sure why I ordered so many cupcakes since that’s twice the amount of kids in her class, but math has never been my strong suit and I just throw about arbitrary numbers without really thinking about it. And have I mentioned all the cold medicine I’ve been on? Because it’s A LOT.

Plus, P was out of town all last week. His best friend lives in California and comes in once a year for their annual hunting extravaganza. I didn’t feel like I could mention that he was gone until he was actually back since I’m operating in a new state of safety awareness in combination with a strong sense of paranoia. But, needless to say, it’s no fun being sick when you can’t guilt the one you love into picking up dinner and taking your child to school every morning. It’s like a waste of a good cold.

But he’s home now and sitting on the couch this very minute with his friend as they look at various firearms and throw around terms like trajectory and hog leg. Which means that I’m about to take a hit of cough medicine and go to bed in the hopes that by tomorrow I can raise my voice in annoyance if the need arises. And, let’s be honest, the need will arise because it’s Christmas week and at some point I’ll have to launch into my time-honored lecture on the importance of having a grateful heart.

Fortunately, Caroline was pretty content for us to just hang out in our pajamas this weekend and watch every Christmas movie that came on the air. On the downside, she has seen way to many infomercials and has now added a Touch N Brush Toothpaste Dispenser and a Big Top Cupcake Pan to her Christmas wish list. She also woke me up at one point to let me know that there was a way for me to get rid of all my debt using some sort of debt consolidation program. It was at that point that I started fast-forwarding through the commercials.

Anyway, watching all those movies made me think of all the movies I like to watch at Christmas time, even if they aren’t necessarily Christmas movies. My personal favorite is Little Women. In fact, I think I’m going to watch it tomorrow with a cup of Theraflu by my side. How about y’all? Are there any not-necessarily-a-Christmas-movie (it’s my very own made up genre) that you like to watch this time of year?
Fashion Friday: Edition I can’t feel my face

On Tuesday morning I woke up with a raging sore throat and just knew I was coming down with a cold. I got Caroline off to school, popped some Tylenol and went back to bed.

And since I’ve been sick more in the last six years of being a mama than I have throughout the rest of my life, I just knew the sore throat was going to lead to heavy congestion and overall misery for me and everyone around me as I complained about how bad I felt. But then I woke up on Wednesday morning and the sore throat was pretty much gone and I felt fine. In fact, I even got out and accomplished a long list of errands that I’d been putting off for weeks.

(No, I didn’t buy deodorant. I have some sort of mental block at this point.)

So I complimented myself on my superior immune system and the power of my multi-vitamin, only to wake up yesterday morning with a head that felt like it might explode which would have been fine with me if it meant I’d feel better. I feel that I have come down with an exceptionally mean cold, especially because it toyed with my emotions and ultimately said, “SUCKER”.

And yet I still have to host a class party for first graders around noon today. May God have mercy on my soul.

Oh! On a completely different but equally pitiful note, I received a very nice email from a new reader named Amy yesterday. She just started reading the blog last week, saw my post about the denim puffy vest at Gap, and sent me this photo.

For those of you who may not share my addiction to reality television or People magazine, that is Tori Spelling wearing the denim puffy vest.

Is it the medication I’m taking or does it kind of look cute on her?

Amy, welcome to the blog. You made me so happy in the midst of my cough due to cold misery yesterday.

In spite of my ill health, I managed to find a couple of links I thought I’d share. This will be my last Fashion Friday post of 2009.

I know. SAD.

Also, please forgive the mediocrity of this post. In my defense, I’m high on Sudafed and self-pity.

1. Effortless Velvet Coat

I think I linked to this coat awhile back but at that time it was full price. It’s now almost 50% off and the sizes are going fast.

If you miss out on the coat, check out the rest of the Boden site. There are some great deals right now. I seriously cannot say enough about the quality of their kids’ clothing line.

2. Gathered Knit Scarf

Last summer when it was 106 every day, I couldn’t imagine that there would ever be a time when I would choose to wear accessories around my neck. But I have set a new personal record for consecutive days that I’ve worn a scarf.

It makes me so happy. I think it may be the best accessory ever invented.

3. Tulle Walking Coat

This coat is so cute and it comes in a rainbow of colors. It would look great paired with jeans or even with leggings and boots.

I’m a big fan of Tulle coats because they’re reasonably priced, but oh so cute.

4. Circle Knit Scarf

I am in love with this scarf.

5. Pink Flower Scarflette

See? I have a scarf addiction but I’m trying to act like it’s not really a problem. I could quit at anytime. I could downgrade to a scarflette.

Is that even a real thing?

I honestly don’t know the answer, but I do think this scarflette is adorable even if it has a made up name.

6. Turquoise and champagne necklace

There is really nothing that adds more to an outfit than a great necklace.

Unless you have a scarflette.

This one is really pretty and I love the neutral colors mixed with the turquoise. Of course I love anything mixed with turquoise. It’s who I am.

7. East Dillon T-shirt

For various reasons, Gulley and I got into a conversation the other day about things we feel strongly enough about that we’d wear a t-shirt proclaiming our love for it. I said I couldn’t think of anything other than maybe a Texas A&M shirt, but then Gulley threw down the “Riggins 33” gauntlet and I had to agree with her.

If you don’t watch Friday Night Lights then this means NOTHING to you.

Also, if you don’t watch Friday Night Lights then I am sad for you.

Also, if you do watch it and have DirectTV and are currently watching the new season, PLEASE do not tell me what is going on because I will have to be all “LALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU” in the comments.

All I know is that based on the end of last season, my loyalties now lie with East Dillon as opposed to the Dillon Panthers. Go Coach Taylor.

Also, GO SUDAFED. How else can you explain that I just put a shirt about a T.V. show on Fashion Friday?

8. Hooded dress

I think this looks like a warm hug.

I’m always on the look out for clothing that would feel like pajamas yet be socially acceptable. I think this dress with some leggings would totally qualify.

9. Cardi Wrap

The Cardi Wrap is seriously the most versatile thing you can add to your wardrobe. If you don’t believe me then check out the BCBG site and all the different ways the models are wearing one.

See? I TOLD YOU.

10. Tassel Necklace

I’m not sure exactly why, but I have long been fascinated by this tassel necklace. It kind of reminds me of something my grandmother would have worn at some point in my childhood.

Granted, I’m not fascinated enough to pay full price, but I bet it will be on sale in about ten days.

That’s it for this week.

I’m off to take some more medication because breathing through my nose would be a real hoot right about now.

Y’all have a great Friday.