Author: Big Mama

Oh, I feel the burn

On Monday I decided it was time to get serious about my workout regimen.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. I spent most of Monday morning doing anything but exercising, including organizing all our tax information for our accountant. So, what I’m basically saying is I’d rather write a check to the IRS than work off all the Grande Peppermint Mochas that I drank over the winter.

But, eventually, our checkbook was balanced, our junk drawer was organized and I’d played so many games of Pathwords that I’ll never be able to use my right hand to point at anything ever again. I thought maybe I had some T.V. programming on the DVR that I needed to catch up on, but all that was left were a few episodes of “The Spirit of the Wild”.

I was left with no other option than to put on my workout clothes because I’d rather exercise than watch Uncle Ted talk about killin’ it and grillin’ it.

After donning my workout apparel, I decided I needed to do something other than the elliptical machine. It’s not that the elliptical isn’t a good workout, but it’s more of a cardiovascular thing and, last time I checked, my heart rate didn’t have cellulite.

I searched for my “Fat Burning Pilates” DVD, but couldn’t remember where I left it when I last used it in March 2008. Then I had a vague recollection of opening the drawer of the armoire last December, seeing the “Fat Burning Pilates” DVD case, and feeling that I was being mocked by the smug look on the instructor’s face.

Sure enough, there she was in the drawer. Smiling from ear to ear in her yoga pants and kicky green sports bra, as if she’d never dealt with the temptation of eating a pound of cheese in one sitting. I don’t trust a woman who looks as though she never enjoys some cheese.

I put in the DVD and ostensibly began to burn fat with all the perky girls and their six-pack abs. Since it had been a year since I last attempted and failed to complete this workout, I forgot that the musical accompaniment is a shady-looking guy playing the bongos. Clearly, they are all high. How else do you explain all the joy and the bongo-playing? It’s not like they’re at a luau.

So I grabbed my iPod because I knew the only person that could get me through this was Justin Timberlake. Sure enough, JT and I got into a pretty good rhythm until I got a little too enthusiastic with one of my side lunges and fell over the ottoman, which served as confirmation of my decision to never exercise in public.

Anyway, I finished the workout through sheer determination and the thought of how good it would feel to tell that guy what he could do with his bongos if I were in the same room with him.

My feeling of accomplishment lasted all the way until the next morning when I sat down to go to the bathroom and couldn’t stand back up without using the toilet paper holder for leverage. I thought about calling for help, but, while I may no longer have functioning thigh muscles, I still have my dignity.

Of course, it took my dignity and me the better part of three and half minutes to get up.

**On a totally different note, if you have a great original product that you’d love to market, the Dallas Market Center is holding an awesome contest called the Next Big Thing. Click over to my Daily Links page for all the information.**
Up a river without a clue

Up a tree.

That’s what Caroline decided to do after she got home from school yesterday, but it pretty much sums up how I spent most of my evening last night.

The blog was in the midst of a little facelift and it decided to FREAK OUT. Then, I was trying to send frantic emails to Cathy at Desperately Seeking WordPress and the Yahoo mail decided to FREAK OUT.

And then I FREAKED OUT.

I may or may not have hyperventilated just a little bit.

It was me against the internet. I’ve never felt so scared or alone because, I’ll be honest with you, the internet frightens me with all its technology and world wide webness.

So I spent a large part of the evening clicking over to see if the blog was back up and then typing frantic emails that I couldn’t send because the Yahoo mail decided to break up with me without even the courtesy of one last slow dance to “Hard to Say I’m Sorry”.

And then, just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, that bad guy on “24” shot Senator Mayer and things did not look good for Jack Bauer. Well, at least they didn’t until he managed to throw a screwdriver like it was a ninja death star.

(Is that even a real thing? Surely I don’t have the wherewithal to make up faux ninja weaponry.)

In summary, I was up a tree. A very stressful tree full of anxiety and a large Special Dark Hershey bar that I broke off piece by piece in an attempt to not actually eat the whole thing.

An attempt that failed, by the way.

The good news is that Cathy fixed the blog. In fact, she not only changed everything over to the new format, but upgraded everything (Who knew you were supposed to upgrade? I feel like George and Weezie Jefferson) and taught me all about widgets, which I mistakenly thought were a group of characters on “Star Wars: The Clone Wars”.

(Disclaimer: I’ve never watched “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” because why? Why would I?)

Anyway, I owe a huge thank you to Cathy who is a WordPress genius and patiently explained various concepts to me while I asked very technical questions such as “Can we move that thingie over behind that whateveritscalled?” and “Are the widgets friends with Luke Skywalker?”

It’s a wonder that I can check email.

Well, actually, I’m not sure if I can check email. I’ll have to see if Yahoo is ready to take me back. If not, I’ll just move on to gmail.

Because in the words of Bobby B., it’s my prerogative.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Top o’ the mornin’ to you.
Mama tried

As of 7:15 this morning, Spring Break is officially over. It’s back to the real world of a nutritious breakfast of Lucky Charms marshmallows, discussing the unfairness of life and how it relates to wearing leggings to school, and lovingly making a ham sandwich that will return to me almost entirely intact in a Cinderella lunchbox.

Oh, I l do love a routine.

I know there were some low points last week, specifically the day we resorted to taking pictures of the dog’s ear, but I’m actually a little sad it’s over.

The good news is that she and her daddy were able to finish off the week with another trip to the ranch.

The bad news for my washing machine and my formerly clean floors is that they share a love for finding new and improved ways to get muddy.

(The sound is a little off because Vimeo hates me right now.)

A Sunday Drive from Big Mama on Vimeo

I wonder if Merle Haggard’s mama made him wear leggings to school?
Edition 54: Fashion Friday

First of all, I need to apologize to the makers of the Slanket/Snuggie. After two days of temperatures that haven’t gotten above 50, I would sell my Aunt Pearl to own a Snuggie.

(I don’t really have an Aunt Pearl.)

(I could actually go up to HEB and buy a Snuggie if I really wanted one. I’m just being dramatic.)

The point is that if someone tried to judge if I was alive by feeling my feet for any sign of warmth or life, they would bury me alive. Not even my Uggs can help me now.

Okay, so many of y’all asked about the green sundress Caroline was wearing in Tuesday’s post. I found it at TJ Maxx for $10.00. It’s a brand called Hype and it must run small because that dress is a size 8. I always check TJ Maxx for their kids’ clothes because they have some amazing deals and carry a lot of brand name stuff.

Kids have a total racket going with that whole “growing out of things” issue that they have going on. It’s all a pretty clever scheme to ensure a whole new wardrobe every season. Technically, I guess I could eat eighteen pans of brownies and grow out of my clothes too.

On a totally different note, last Friday I drove to Georgetown to talk to a MOPS group about fashion. They asked me to discuss spring trends and how to make the most of your wardrobe. So in lieu of answering questions today, I thought I’d share with you all the fashion advice I imparted in Georgetown, Texas last week.

1. Before you buy anything or go shopping, SHOP YOUR CLOSET.

I realize that sounds totally depressing and, trust me, it totally is. However, you may be surprised to find a few things that you’d forgotten you own. This happened to me in the form of a cute white tuxedo shirt I bought from Gap about six years ago and have now worn twice in the last two weeks.

The most entertaining way to do this is to invite a friend over whose opinion you trust, give the kids a bag of glass to keep them occupied, and try on EVERYTHING in your closet. Pants, jeans, dresses, shoes, and accessories.

EVERYTHING.

2. Make four piles: KEEP, DONATE, THROW IT OUT, ALTERATIONS

Here are some guidelines: If it’s stained, pilled, or faded then throw it out. Don’t look at me like that, THROW IT OUT.

If you haven’t worn it in two years, throw it out or donate it. The only exception is if it has the potential to be a quality vintage piece someday. I don’t care what anyone tells you, those faded pink capri pants from Old Navy will never be considered vintage.

Be honest about what you think needs to be altered. In fact, if you don’t take it to a tailor within two weeks of putting it in the Alterations pile, then you need to get rid of it because that garment is never going to become acquainted with a needle and thread.

3. Group what’s left by category and color.

Be prepared to mourn the lack of quantity in your closet, but console yourself with the fact that you never wore any of that other stuff anyway. It was all just a grown-up version of a security blanket, Linus.

Once you have a moment of silence for the dearly departed, put everything in categories according to whether it’s a shirt, jeans, dress, etc. Look at everything and put together some complete outfits, including shoes and jewelry.

If you’re really anal and organized, you can write potential outfits down on paper, or you can be like me and just remember them using Jedi mind tricks.

4. Now figure out what you need to fill in the missing space.

Do you need a new white t-shirt to wear under something? Some new tanks? Maybe a new statement necklace or a cuff bracelet to make an outfit pop a little bit?

You may not be able to go buy it all at once, but at least you know what you have and what you need. This will keep you from owning eight of the exact same black tanks from Old Navy.

Purely hypothetical scenario.

5. Every closet should have a few essential things, no matter the trends.

(Am I about to do an outline? Shut up. I thought that was a completely impractical skill set, like quadratic equations.)

(Is there really such a thing as quadratic equations?)

A. A great pair of jeans that are comfortable and fit well.

I am a believer in spending a little more for a great pair of jeans because, if you’re like me, you’ll wear them all the time. You can find great deals on designer jeans at TJ Maxx, Ebay, and even Sam’s.

What kind of marvelous world do we live in when you can purchase high-end jeans and bulk toilet paper all in one convenient location?

B. A decent pair of workout pants or yoga pants.

There will be days that you don’t want to dress up and if you have some decent looking athletic wear, you can just give the illusion that you’ve been working out, as opposed to giving up on life.

C. A comfortable, yet stylish pair of shoes.

Sneakers, flip-flops, cute sandals, mary janes, clogs, cowboy boots. Something you can wear every day and still look cute.

Of course, it’s also nice to have some shoes that aren’t as practical but fill up a little place in your heart and make you happy.

D. A well-fitting swimsuit and coverup.

(I also truly adore this one but we need to spend money on things like food) that allow you to chase your child around the pool while maintaining your dignity.

I hate to open this can of cellulite-fearing worms, but it’s true. If you have a child then it’s hard to avoid the swimsuit in the summer time, unless you hire an aquatic nanny.

E. A nice outfit for dinner out with the girls or a date with your husband and/or significant other.

Maybe a cute, short-sleeved linen jacketor fun top paired with jeans. Then there’s always the option of a casual dress, or maybe a little more tailored dress, or even a skirt.

Okay, that is a lot of information for one post. I was going to start in on trends for spring, but I’m going to save it for next week for two reasons. First of all, because I can. It’s like a cliffhanger or, rather, a clothes’ hanger. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself even though I know it’s stupid.) And secondly, I need to get a good night’s sleep because y’all have inspired me to finish out our Spring Break with a day o’ crafts and mani/pedis tomorrow. It’s going to require all my energy.

I’m putting up Mr. Linky if you want to add any fashion information to this post. You may also want to check out a great fashion post that Kelly wrote this week. She had some great bargain finds.

Have a great Friday!
This post just put me to sleep while I wrote it

I watched the weather forecast on Tuesday night and listened to our local meteorologist as he predicted that rain and extremely cold temperatures would arrive around noon on Wednesday. So I went to bed with a master plan for Caroline and me to hit HEB before the front arrived. A trip to the grocery store wasn’t really part of our official Spring Break Agenda since I already went late last week, but P informed me that we were out of EVERYTHING.

If you’ve been reading here for any length of time then you know that by “EVERYTHING” what he meant was Nilla Wafers and Zantac 150. He suffers from acid reflux and a love of plain vanilla cookies.

Naturally, the weather man was wrong about the cold front’s noon arrival because it’s what weather men do. I don’t think they mean to lie; I think it’s just God’s way of letting them know they need to quit telling him his business. God’s in charge of the weather even if he doesn’t wear a cheap suit and point to a fancy computer satellite map.

By the time Caroline and I woke up, it was already windy, cold, and rainy. However, we went ahead and ventured out to HEB because what part of Zantac 150 and Nilla Wafer deprivation do you not understand? And, in all fairness, we were also out of Diet Coke and Sour Patch Kids. There was no way I was going to survive an entire day without either of those items. We’re not cavemen.

So we went to the store and then we came home.

Spring Break just keeps getting better and better.

I thought I’d share the rest of our day in pictures.

I cleaned out the refrigerator.

I cleaned this light fixture that hadn’t been cleaned since we installed it almost six years ago.

I cleaned the stove top until I could see my reflection.

In the meantime, Caroline tried on every outfit in her closet, including her Wonder Woman Costume.

She also spent a lot of time walking around with her new travel pillow around her neck.

And then at some point, she took the camera from me and took some pictures of her own.

This is Bruiser.

This is his ear.

And this is the picture I started to color.

I realized I was hanging on by a thin thread when she wanted to turn the page to do a connect-the-dots and I began complaining about how she never lets me finish my pictures.

And that pretty much sums up our day.

On the scale of Spring Break fun, it’s going to be pretty hard to top.

Any suggestions for something to do on a cold, rainy day besides play Sorry, otherwise known as the board game that is now dead to me?
The fishing trip

On Monday afternoon, P mentioned that he would take Caroline to the ranch to go fishing on Tuesday, which worked out nicely because I don’t think another trip to the mall would have gone over all that well. However, if she’s really good, we may hit Target later today. I like to save things like that for special occasions.

Apparently, I’m not the only one suffering from some sort of Daylight Savings Time jet lag because Caroline slept in until 9:15 yesterday. In fact, she was sleeping so hard that she didn’t even wake up when Shorty began raking leaves right by the bedroom window. P rushed outside to ask Shorty to quit raking leaves since Caroline and I were still asleep and for some reason Shorty took that request to mean that he should instead get out the leaf blower and BLOW the leaves out of the yard right by the window.

Because that’s so much quieter.

Anyway, in spite of the roaring sound of the leaf blower, she slept until 9:15. That has happened approximately NONE other times in her entire life.

By the time she woke up, P said they needed to get going if they were going to make it to the ranch, otherwise he’d have to go without her. I guarantee you have never seen someone get a pair of Wranglers and some camo on a child that fast. She was ready to go in about 5.2 seconds with a cup full of dry cereal and a juice box in her hands.

I spent the rest of my morning running a few errands. Then I came home and decided that our bathroom cabinets desperately needed to be cleaned out. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I threw out an entire garbage bag full of various toiletry items, including some Immodium AD that expired in June 2004. On the bright side, it’s nice to know that we haven’t needed any Immodium AD since the early 2000’s.

Apparently my makeup bag is the place where lipgloss goes to die. There were at least sixteen different variations of lipgloss, which is astounding since I wear the exact same color every day. I started trying on various shades to see if any of them were keepers and unfortunately came across some kind of All-Day Lip Color that cemented itself to my lips, which wouldn’t have been so bad except that it was some sort of day-glo coral tone.

Why do I even have that? Did my Great Aunt Fina come to visit and leave it in my bathroom?

So while I threw out six pounds of lipgloss and Maalox (I guess I have some sort of irrational fear about possible stomach ailments that never come to pass. Pun not intended.) my peeps had themselves a big time catching fish and riding around in the Polaris.

I sent the camera with P for the day, hoping he’d get some pictures of the catch of the day. It’s very important to me that we document our Spring Break with photographic evidence of all the fun. He took one darling picture using his cell phone and sent it to me.

I’d love to show it to y’all, but the problem is that I don’t know how to get pictures off my iPhone and onto the computer. Part of the problem may be that I don’t actually have an iPhone, but just a four-year-old hot pink Motorola Razr phone which seemed so cool and edgy four years ago and now is just a constant reminder that technology has passed me by and left me lying in the gutter of total uncoolness.

It’s probably kind of how Bill Gates feels.

However, I did get some video of Caroline talking about her day after they got back home. She was channeling her inner Steven Spielberg, so it took a couple of tries to get the whole story, but here it is in all it’s amateur quality.

Spring Break Fishing Trip from Big Mama on Vimeo.

Here’s hoping that she’ll always say “be-cept”.

Also, the temperatures are supposed to drop into the forties complete with some sort of monsoon later today. It’s going to put a real damper on Spring Break ’09.

Pray for me.