Author: Big Mama

Christmas ham

Last Thursday afternoon we set out to deck our halls. P had to get the ladder so that we could get our multitude of decorations out of the attic.

As he began handing down boxes, I swallowed more insulation than is probably safe or sanitary and then started to open various bags and boxes, hoping against all reason or logic that everything was in the same shape it had been in when we packed it away a year ago.

To this day it’s hard for me to discuss the horror that befell my old-fashioned Santa about two years ago. By all appearances a gang of wayward, yet cute field mice spent the year gnawing away at his brilliantly wrapped packages.

And yes, I’m certain they were cute field mice. I cannot consider the alternative without wanting to put a for sale sign in my front yard and bidding the old homestead adieu.

Slowly but surely I found our stockings, lights, and nativity set. Then I came to another box and found this picture of Caroline.

If you think it didn’t cause me to shed some tears while I sang a few lines of the late, great Jim Croce’s “Time in A Bottle”, then it’s as if you don’t know me at all.

Caroline noticed the picture and was fascinated by her cute five-month-old Santa impersonation and told me she wanted to recreate the moment.

She threw on a Santa hat and jumped under the tree to strike a pose.

Of all the things she’s learned in five years, I think being a big ham is at the top of the list.
We’re like elves, but without the unfortunate shoes

Every year for the last eighteen years, Gulley and I pick one weekend in early December and declare it our “Christmas Shopping Weekend”.

Oh, we are clever with our unique terminology!

This year started like every other year, and by that I mean every other year since we’ve had kids. Back in our college days most of our time was spent looking for a cute outfit to wear New Year’s Eve and charging it to someone’s daddy’s Visa card. Shout out to the Guess boot shoes of 1992!

Now we start at Toys ‘R Us. Rumor has it that it’s where a kid can be a kid and, while that is all good and fine, it’s also a place where mothers have been known to instantaneously double up on their birth control pills. I can’t explain how loud and chaotic the store was on Friday night. There were kids crying and begging on every single aisle. Who on earth thinks it’s a good idea to take a kid to a toy store?

Gulley and I just stood next to our cart and gazed blankly at a huge wall of Star Wars toys. She asked me if I thought the DC-17 Skywalker Fighter Jet (probably not it’s real name because, PLEASE) was better than the Rebel Fighter blah, blah, blah and I was all like “Why are you speaking to me in a foreign language? No comprendo El Star Wars.”

About that time we realized that not only were we overwhelmed by all the kids being kids, but also by the fact that Toys ‘R Us was clearly charging upwards of $5.00 more than Target. So, we headed for greener pastures.

Once we were in Target things weren’t necessarily any easier. The prices were better, but we still had no clarity on whether the Rebel Forces are the good guys or if a Tinkerbell Stylin’ Head is better than an Island Princess Barbie Stylin’ Head or how Puppini stuffed animals manage to look trampy even though they’re just dogs.

The one thing I did know was that if Santa doesn’t show up at my house with a Diamond Castle Barbie Horse and Carriage it is going to be sad times. And Target was sold out, which is ironic considering that I’ve seen that dang Diamond Carriage every time I’ve been at Target for the last two months but refused to buy it early because I didn’t know where I’d hide it for the next two months since, guess what Barbie, not everyone lives in a castle.

We did manage to find several other things on our lists and decided we better find some shopping nourishment in the form of Italian food. Over dinner we discussed a variety of topics, including our thoughts on global economics and whether or not we agreed with People magazine’s declaration of Hugh Jackman as the sexiest man alive.

Saturday morning we got up bright and semi-early, stopped at Starbucks and then threw caution to the wind by making our way to Walmart.

And this is where I owe Walmart a huge apology because I have never been a fan. However, not only did Walmart have the dadgum Diamond Castle Carriage, it was also clean and orderly. No one is more surprised by this turn of events than me, but I found it to be a delightful shopping experience. In fact, it restored any Christmas cheer I’d lost the day before.

After a long day fueled by caffeine and sugar cookies, we stumbled through my back door and dropped all our packages in the middle of the living room.

We made sure we had all the proper food groups at our disposal.

And we began the arduous task of wrapping everything we’d purchased.

Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, we were done.

So, basically, I’m ready for Christmas.

I only have one question.

When did Ken start wearing v-neck sweaters?

He and Barbie are never going to make it if he doesn’t lose the sweater.

And the kicky messenger bag.
Oh, this is KEEN

I really don’t do many giveaways, except the ones that are for products and things that I love. Which is why I jumped at the chance to give y’all the chance to win free merchandise from KEEN.

KEEN shoes and bags are some of my very favorite things. They even make me think about doing things like taking up hiking or perhaps spelunking.

Or perhaps I should just go with a hobby that’s more my speed, like shopping in comfortable shoes while carrying a cute bag.

But this isn’t about me.

It’s about you because today could be your lucky day. One of you will get the chance to pick one free item of your choice from the new KEEN site. It can be a great pair of shoes. It can be shoes for your kids. It can be a bag that will make you cry with joy.

Just look at these cute options.

Here’s how to enter:

1. Go visit the KEEN website.

2. Look at all the great stuff and come back and tell me about your favorite item.

3. I’ll announce the winner one week from today, which will be Sunday, December 14th.

If you are the oh-so-fortunate winner, then the people at KEEN will email you a coupon code that will allow you to select your FREE item and have it shipped straight to your house. Or even your Aunt Jane’s house if you’re feeling generous.

In the meantime, if you see something you can’t live without on the KEEN site, you can place an order and use the code BIGMAMA when you checkout to get free shipping until December 14th.

So, have fun looking and don’t forget to come back here and tell me what you found on KEEN!
Edition 45: Fashion Friday

At some point in late August I was doing a little online shopping and happened upon this beautiful coat for an incredibly discounted price. As fashion fortune would have it, I also happened to have some birthday money burning a hole in my pocket.

I bought the coat and it was all I hoped it would be. It’s this beautiful orange color with embroidery all over it in shades of turquoise, but, sadly, it just sat in my closet day after ninety degree day. Oh Texas fall, you are so cruel.

Finally, last Sunday, it was a crisp, cool day. And even though I was having a bad hair day, I decided to wear the coat to church. I figured it would take the focus off my ratty bedhead and the crease marks on my forehead.

P was driving the car. I was sitting in the passenger seat feeling oh-so-sassy in my fab coat in spite of the fact that I’d had to pull out the Santa Claus threat to get Caroline to let me comb her hair.

I looked in the mirror to apply just a little more lipgloss and put on my sunglasses. That’s when I noticed P was looking at me and grinning.

“What are you looking at?”

“You.”

“Why are you looking at me?”

“You kind of look like Burt Reynolds in that jacket.”

Nice.

Like Burt Reynolds has my impeccable taste in coats.

Needless to say, I didn’t look at all like Burt Reynolds. Here’s a picture of me from Sunday morning. I’ll let y’all be the judge.

See? P has no idea what he’s talking about.

Anyway, it’s Fashion Friday and I thought it might be fun (just pretend like it is!) if I made a list of five fashion items you can add to your Christmas wishlist (if you want to, no pressure)

Maybe you’ll find something you can’t live without. Or at least something that would make you happy if you found it under your tree Christmas morning, as opposed to Uncle Ed after too much eggnog.

1. A great scarf.

A scarf is a must-have item and about the best accessory around. What else will keep you warm and fashion-forward all at the same time?

If it were me, I would wish for this one. Or maybe this one. Or maybe something simple and cozy like this one.

2. A really good pair of jeans.

Obviously you don’t want to send your husband or boyfriend or dad to go get these for you unless you can give them specific written instructions. Otherwise this could go way wrong.

I am a strong believer in a great pair of jeans. If any item is worth the splurge, it’s denim. Unless you’re allergic to denim, then it’s totally NOT worth it because of all the hydrocortisone creams and what-have-you.

3. A fun necklace.

I love this necklace because I have a slight obsession with all things turquoise and it’s always my go-to jewelry choice.

And how cute is this little funky owl necklace? So, SOOO cute is the correct answer.

I guess I’m feeling the bird love because I also love this lovebird necklace.

But I feel certain there are some poultry-free jewelry options out there this year.

4. A non-Burt Reynolds coat

You can find a great deal on winter coats at the moment because, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but apparently we’re in a recession.

J.Crew has 40% off on select outerwear right now. You could get something like this cute little number for a great price. And you will look like Audrey Hepburn rather than the Bandit.

I also like this plaid, belted coat and I think this coat is the cat’s pajamas.

Except I don’t know a cat that would actually wear that coat to bed.

But speaking of…

5. Pajamas

I have a slight obsession with pajamas that is rivaled only by my obsession of choosing the right Christmas card. No matter how many pajamas I own, I always want a new pair.

Because I am a fan of elastic waistbands. Comfort is key.

Check out these cowgirl flannel pajamas. I think I’m in love.

Although if I’m going to pay that much for pajamas, I’ll be forced to concoct an elaborate scheme in which I figure out a way to wear them outside of my home.

So these might be a better option. There is no place that feeds my loungewear addiction like Target because, HELLO, all you need to see is Mistletoad.

And if Mistletoad wasn’t enough, they also sell footie pajamas for adults. With sock monkeys for the feet.

Although I have to admit from the cruel voice of experience that footie pajamas seem like a good idea until you have to get up and go to the bathroom on a really cold night. You can consider that piece of life advice a little early Christmas present.

Y’all have a great Friday.

Love,
The Bandit
One tough customer

Knows what she likes when she sees it.

**Edited to add: Oh my word, y’all kill me with your focus on the minutiae. The thing at her feet is a cow skull because that’s how we roll in Texas.
Welcome home, my little friend

I feel that I owe an apology to the fine Genius staff at my local Apple store because they called me at 5:30 on Monday evening to let me know my computer was ready. Sadly, I wasn’t able to retrieve the computer that night and instead spent the evening playing board games and reading fine literature whilst I knitted an afghan.

Actually, that’s not quite true. I ate dinner with P, read “Style: A to Zoe” by Rachel Zoe, and then went to bed at the unprecedented hour of 10:00 p.m. after remembering for the 874th time that I couldn’t check email. Apparently, I have what some might call an addiction to the computer.

On the upside, I have never been more rested.

I was waiting outside the Apple store at 10:00 a.m. yesterday morning to retrieve my dear friend. The Genius handed it over to me and asked if I wanted to take a look because it was “GORGEOUS”, which seemed like excessive flattery for a computer until I opened the case and saw it for myself.

IT IS GORGEOUS.

Completely crack-free. And here is where I want to make a joke about the war on drugs but will refrain in the interest of good taste.

There was one scary moment when they handed me a bill for $254.00 for the keyboard replacement and I was all “Umm? I thought it was covered by the warranty. And if it’s not covered then we need to go find my old keyboard TOOT SUITE or I will have to explain to my child why all Santa brought this Christmas was a new keyboard for Mommy.”

They explained that it was completely free of charge, but they print out the bill for accounting purposes and to see if they can give women who mock the Geniuses on their blogs a myocardial infarction.

I rushed home with computer in hand and immediately began to catch up on very important things like Twitter and searching for the best price on an Elf On the Shelf. But all those things were merely a procrastination device compared to the real issue at hand.

Christmas cards.

I have spent countless hours of my life that I will never get back perusing my Christmas card options. It’s bordering on obsessive.

Who am I kidding? It is totally obsessive.

My dear friend AJ came over to take pictures of Caroline the day before Thanksgiving. And let me explain that AJ had just had foot surgery days before and was in a big, black boot. But since I have no shame, I let her hobble around and take photos of my child.

She emailed me a link to the photos a few days later and I’m sure thought her job was done, especially because her compensation basically involves free M&M’s, Sour Patch Kids, and advice about life which may or may not be helpful or wanted.

But, oh no. No way am I that low maintenance.

“Can I see #12 in black and white? How about #14 if we crop out the table? Do you like 5, 10, 16, 20, 26, or 31 the best? How about in black and white? Am I being a pain? Did I mention all the free M&M’s? Oh, and how’s your foot feeling after the major surgery that involved sawing off 4 millimeters of your toe?”

The good news is I finally have it narrowed down to two pictures. However, I can’t commit to a card design or the wording I want and have I mentioned this is a lot of obsessing and worrying over a piece of paper that folks will look at for 2.8 seconds and then shove in a basket?

I believe I’ve done lost my reason for the season perspective.

Yesterday afternoon, I forced P into my web of madness and he was more than helpful with his “I don’t know. I think it’s six one, half dozen the other” before he stabbed his eyeballs out with a fork. Clearly he doesn’t realize this is our chance to make an impact for 2.8 seconds of someone’s life.

He actually suggested that I put my options up so that y’all could help me decide, which is a clever trick known as passing the buck. However, the majority of people I send cards to happen to read the blog, so at that point I might as well scrap the whole thing, save myself the postage, and just post the card here.

Which, if I don’t hurry up and make a decision, may end up being my only option.

Merry Christmas from the Heartless, Impersonal Age of Technology.

It has a nice ring to it.

One final note. I attempted to title this post “Reunited and it feels so good”, but the memory feature in WordPress let me know that I have already used that title at some point. Obviously, I can’t underestimate the effect Peaches ‘N Herb had on my childhood.