Author: Big Mama

The missing piece

The other night I was reading a Bible story to Caroline before bed and it mentioned Jesus’s disciples. It had never occurred to me that maybe she wouldn’t know what “disciple” meant, so I asked, “Do you know what a disciple is?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s kind of like a friend. “

“Oh, okay”

“The disciples were Jesus’s friends while he was here on earth.”

“WHAT?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT JESUS WAS ON EARTH?!”

I feel almost certain that I have mentioned that detail at some point in the last five years.
I don’t think this is what they mean when they say, “Drill now!”

Yesterday morning was the kind of day that made me want to walk out on the back porch and say “Hello Fall! Welcome back my old friend! You are delightful!”

After I got Caroline dressed and off to school, I took Scout and Bruiser for a long walk and didn’t even listen to my iPod because I just wanted to soak up all the nature and the fall-like temps.

Also, there have been reports of some shady characters loitering around our neighborhood (Canadian booty cleavage man possibly included) and P basically told me I’d be a fool if I went walking with my iPod because it limits my ability to sense an impending attack.

So I enjoyed all the nature as opposed to a diverse musical mix that includes Chris Tomlin and Justin Timberlake.

I returned home just as P was getting back from an appointment with the dentist. Last Christmas, P’s dentist informed him that he needed a titanium implant and a tooth carved out of diamonds to replace an antiquated crown that had broken loose more times than we could remember, including one incredibly romantic evening when we’d just started dating and the crown came out in his Milkdud.

To tell the truth, I’m not sure if the implant and new tooth are carved out of diamonds. It’s just an assumption based on the cost.

So about six months ago, P got the implant and yesterday was the day he finally got his new tooth.

When he walked in the back door, I asked how the new tooth felt and he said, “It’s a little sore, but I’m more worried about my finger.”

Well sure.

“What do you mean? What’s wrong with your finger?”

Apparently after they put in the new tooth, P asked the nurse if he could see what the tooth looked like. She handed him a mirror and walked out of the room. After he looked at the new tooth, he attempted to set the mirror on a table next to the dentist’s chair but the mirror slipped and he tried to grab it. As he grabbed it, his middle finger landed right on the dentist’s drill which drilled far enough into his finger that the drill became stuck.

It was a million to one shot.

The dentist was able to pull the drill out of his finger, but needless to say the finger did not escape without some injury.

Anyway, last night we were sitting around and P mentioned that I was probably going to need a new pair of comfortable boots for my trip to the Dominican Republic.

I got so excited because how often does your husband mention that you might need a new pair of boots?

So I showed him this pair that I’ve had my eye on for the last year or so.

Evidently they aren’t exactly what he had in mind.

He seems to think I’m going to need more of a practical, hiking, outdoorsy type of boot.

But what does he know? He drilled his own finger yesterday.

Just in case he’s right, I thought I’d ask for some help. Do y’all have any suggestions for comfortable, practical shoes that would work for the trip?

Preferably something not too hideous?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, as well as any other useful hints for traveling to a third world country.

Muchas gracias, peeps.
It sure looks nice sitting in the driveway

So all we got here from Hurricane Ike was a slight breeze and a bill for a rented generator that sat in our garage for five days.

We’ve tried to pass the generator on to some friends in Houston, but apparently they are all tougher than me because they’re willing to live without air-conditioning for more than three minutes.

I still remember a night from my childhood when the air-conditioning went out in our house. It was one of the worst days of my life and that’s including the day I found out they were taking “Joanie Loves Chachi” off the air.

And speaking of Hurricane Ike, remember this picture from last week?

At the time I thought Cousin Eddie had evacuated from an RV park in Houston.

But I was wrong.

Apparently, the lady who lives next door found that RV for sale on the internet and bought it. Then, she found a man from Canada on the internet who said he would deliver it.

Oh, the wonder of the internet.

What a blessing that our children will never have to experience a world where you can’t purchase a hideous recreational vehicle online and have it delivered by someone who may or may not be a serial killer.

The neighbor told us all about her online RV purchase and asked if we could believe she only paid $2500 for it.

I’ll be honest, it didn’t tax my imagination at all.

In fact, I wouldn’t doubt that there is someone in Wisconsin bragging that he got someone to pay $2500 for his old beat up RV.

And from what we can tell, the Canadian delivery man is staying for the duration of the trailer renovation. Also, he is in dire need of a belt.

As we pulled in our driveway from church yesterday morning, P whispered to me, “Hurry! Look over by the RV!”

My corneas were seared with the sight of more booty cleavage than any one person should ever be allowed to expose.

So, it looks like the tenement on wheels is here to stay for a while.

But we won’t go falling in love with it because, hopefully, they’ll be parking it ANYWHERE ELSE but in their driveway in the near future.

Of course who am I to judge someone’s RV purchase?

P and I actually watched “Rocky Balboa” on Saturday night.

I’d like to say it was because there wasn’t anything else on, but that’s not true. In fact, both of were too tired to stay up for the last hour of it so we RECORDED it so we could finish watching it last night.

I am so embarrassed.

Here’s where I need to go ahead and admit that I’ve always been a Rocky fan. (Well, except for Rocky V because even I have my limits.) I realize the likelihood of going to the USSR and singlehandedly overcoming Communism by knocking out a Russian boxer is a farfetched plot line, but I totally bought the whole thing.

I even owned (own) the soundtrack.

So when I saw “Rocky Balboa” was on as we flipped through the channels, I laughed a superior laugh that said, “I am too sophisticated for this” and then it totally sucked me in because, OH MY WORD, Adrian dies, and Paulie gets fired from the meat plant and they take down the statue of Rocky, and they say lines like, “Let’s start building some hurting bombs” in regard to Rocky’s punching ability, and all the while they’re playing “Gonna Fly Now” in the background.

Who is strong enough to resist that?

Not me, my friends.

I was even nervous during the final fight scene. Like Rocky might actually get knocked out.

Anyway, I won’t ruin the ending for those of y’all who are dying to see it, but I will tell you there is a point in the final fight scene where the twenty-three year old heavyweight champion of the world hurts his hand during the fight because he punches Rocky’s hip.

Which, yeah he did. Rocky’s like eighty years old. You just know that hip is some type of titanium implant.
People who will see me with bad hair

About a week ago I mentioned my upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic with Compassion.

And since then I realized I will need to absentee vote in the Presidential elections.

I’ve never been good with dates.

I’m sure other people thought of that immediately, but it didn’t dawn on me until I heard someone refer to election day on November 4 and I was all like “November 4? Where am I going to be November 4? That date means something for some reason.”

Oh yes. I’ll be out of the country.

No watching hours of endless media speculation and early projections for me.

I can honestly say I’m not even sad about it. Just let me know what happens when it’s all over.

Anyway, the point is that I wanted to tell y’all who else will be on the trip with me so you’ll know who else will be early voting.

1. Mary at Owlhaven. I’m so excited Mary is going because I’ve read her blog for years and just love her. She has ten kids of her own and I’m hoping she might temporarily adopt me while we’re in the Dominican.

2. Jennifer at 5 Minutes for Mom. I’ve emailed with Jennifer since I started my blog because we are both Aggies, even though she has the great misfortune of living up north right now. But we share a love of Kyle Field, the Dixie Chicken, and Double Daves pizza rolls.

3. Marlboro Man at Pioneer Woman and his two daughters. I feel certain that most of you know who Marlboro Man is because over a gazillion and a half people read his wife’s blog. I think we’ll have a lot in common because I sometimes see cows as I drive down the road and he is a cattle rancher.

4. Tim at Challies.com and his son. Tim is Canadian so he won’t be early voting.

Our fearless leaders will be Shaun Groves and Brian Seay.

There may be a few last minute additions to the group, so I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, we’d all appreciate your prayers as we begin to prepare for the trip.
Edition 37: Fashion Friday

I can’t even imagine how y’all have been able to sleep between last Friday and today. The anticipation of the final five trends for fall has probably been overwhelming. I’m just glad you made it through.

If you missed last Friday and have no clue what I’m talking about then you can go catch up real quick.

Truth be told, I wasn’t sure I was going to get Fashion Friday done this week because I have been very wrapped up in all our hurricane preparations, but as of this moment it appears that here in San Antonio we will get perhaps a 1/4″ of rain and maybe enough of a breeze to blow some leaves off our front porch.

It was totally worth the generator.

But at least the Sour Patch Kids won’t go to waste.

This whole thing just goes to show that the only forecast you can count on is the Fashion Forecast. It will never let you down, even if you don’t agree with all of it.

Speaking of, I need to make a confession. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this because it has caught me totally by surprise.

All the purple is starting to grow on me.

I mean, it can’t be just any shade of purple. It’s not like I would wear something the color of Dimetapp syrup, but some of the deeper purples and plums are starting to have some serious appeal.

It’s just a matter of time before I give in to the floral leggings.

Nevermind. I shouldn’t even joke about floral leggings. They are just too horrible.

Okay, so here are the last five trends for fall.

6. Bold jewelry

Last year I set an unofficial goal for myself to improve my accessories. At some point I’d left behind any creativity and resorted to diamond studs and maybe, MAYBE, a turquoise necklace if I felt really kicky.

Oh, I also had a triple strand of pearls that I wore almost every day for ten years as part of my official DRUG REP uniform. There is nothing that says “You can totally trust me” like a triple strand of pearls. Why do you think Barbara Bush has done so well for herself?

Anyway, this fall is all about the bold jewelry. So let’s go big or go home.

Here are some really great pieces that will add a little pop to your fall wardrobe.

7. Ladylike bags

I’ve admitted before that I’m not necessarily a purse person. My main requirement for the last five years has been the absorbency of the lining as it soaks up all the sippy cup leakage, but now that I’m back in the land of no sippys I’m ready to find a great fall bag.

Yesterday, I was in Target and I found this purse which goes against everything I normally stand for, but something about it calls to me.

Yeah, it looks better in person.

Anyway, the trend is towards bags that are less slouchy hobo and more structured with a top handle.

8. Booties

I have a complicated past with booties.

That sentence sounds so wrong.

What I’m trying to say is that I spent a good majority of my college years wearing what was known as a boot shoe. For those of you who were still a fetus during the early 90’s or have blocked out the memory, boot shoes were a clever little fashion trick that gave the illusion of wearing boots.

This illusion lasted until you sat down and your jeans went above your ankle thereby revealing what, hopefully, was a tasteful trouser sock and not a pair of tube socks that you found in your roommate’s sock drawer.

The bootie is essentially a boot shoe, but they are calling it a bootie.

I’m on the fence.

But if you’re ready to take the plunge, here are a few good options.

9. Leather

I’m afraid Stella on Project Runway has ruined the word “leather” for me, but leather is in this season. I’ve always known this day would come and I would be sad because I had this fabulous leather jacket once upon a time that got stolen out of my car in a parking garage in Austin, TX.

To say that was one of the darker days of my life would be an understatement.

But really, I’m over it.

The good news is that there are some really cute leather jackets out there right now. Think fitted. Think rocker chic.

Or rocker chick.

Whichever makes you happy.

10. The Short Jacket & The Standout Coat

I’m lumping these two together because they are both an outer layer.

Also, because it is late and I am tired.

I am a big fan of the short jacket and an even bigger fan of the standout coat. Do not underestimate their ability to take your outfit from ordinary to extraordinary.

These are some really great short jackets.

And here are some superb standout coats.

Now I’ll just sit here in South Texas and wait for the temps to drop below 90 degrees.

But judging from the past week, I don’t think I’m going to count on the weathermen to let me know when that’s going to happen.

Remember, there is always a cone of uncertainty unless you’re talking about fashion.

I don’t even know what that means.

Y’all have a great Friday!
The Ike hype

Well, we are in the midst of some serious hurricane preparedness here. Never mind that the weather people don’t really have a clue where Ike is actually going and they are still showing the entire Texas coast as their CONE OF UNCERTAINTY.

Which, by the way, is totally a term I’m going to start using on a daily basis.

“Are you cooking dinner tonight?”

“Well, the CONE OF UNCERTAINTY is still pretty big. I’ll get back to you around 6:00.”

Anyway, I wasn’t really concerned about Hurricane Ike because my relationship with weather people, especially local weather people, is tenuous at best.

I have been burned too many times by BIG CHILL ’07 or FROSTY FREEZE ’05, which turned out to be little more than some very cold drizzle and meteorology hype.

But I began to pay attention when P mentioned that I might want to go to HEB and stock up some bottled water and canned goods.

Although for the record, it would have to be a pretty dire situation before I’d pop open a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli.

Anyway, P is not a weather alarmist, which is why he never could have been a meteorologist. He is always the one to tell me that it’s not really going to rain, or snow, or what have you.

Needless to say, when he mentioned canned goods, I took notice and began making a list, although he did caution me to not go overboard. I thought that was kind of a cheap shot considering that those bottles of water I purchased during the height of the Y2K scare served us well through the better part of 2006.

So I headed to HEB and loaded my cart with various hurricane readiness items.

Oops. Almost forgot breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day, even in the middle of a natural disaster.

And lest you think I am not taking this seriously, then let me show you this.

Do not play around with Survival Mix. That bad boy will last us the better part of an hour if times get tough.

I almost bought a big box of Velveeta for queso, but felt it might be wasteful to use one of our Hurricane Preparedness Candles of Natural Illumination to melt a pound of processed cheese with some Ro-tel.

So we’ll just have to stick to guacamole with our chips and salsa.

And canned Spaghetti-o’s.

Now we just have to sit and wait for what may end up being a slight drizzle and a small gust of wind.

Oh, and the inevitable headlines which will scream “We Don’t Like Ike” and other terribly original captions.

Earlier, I thought the crown jewel of my day was when P came home with a rented generator and a window unit air-conditioner that he purchased from Home Depot. Because while I am willing to live on peanut butter crackers for days, P knows that I am going to need me some A/C.

Who says romance is dead?

But then while I was cooking dinner, P told me to go look at what was outside our neighbor’s house.

Looks like Cousin Eddie had to evacuate.