Author: Big Mama

The safari…Texas style

All day Tuesday we just kind of hung out around the house and bonded with our new unicorn. Actually, P and Caroline did take a trip to Bass Pro Shops, but I chose to stay home because did you read the part where I said “Bass Pro Shops”?

I am not interested in retailers that only sell things that come in the colors olive green, brown or tan.

That is so Banana Republic circa 1994.

Anyway, after a leisurely Tuesday, I decided we needed a fun-filled Wednesday. A day filled with all summer has to offer.

And because I am never one to miss out on a trend, I decided we should take a staycation. So I talked to Gulley on Tuesday night and told her I thought Wednesday would be a good day to take the kids to New Braunfels to experience the Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch African Safari.

So I guess technically instead of a staycation we took a twenty-five minute awaycation.

I have always been a fan of any business that offers a drive-through for my convenience and I assumed a drive-through safari would be no different. It’s like the zoo on wheels with air-conditioning. What’s not to love?

Plus, this was billed to be better than the zoo. It’s an African Safari.

You can imagine my dismay when this was the first thing we saw.

Ooooh, look kids! It’s the rare and elusive Texas longhorn!

Totally worth the $25.00 I just shelled out in admission.

It’s not like we can just drive down to the ranch and see one or thirty of those FOR FREE.

Gulley and I were exchanging looks with each other as we communicated wordlessly that THE DRIVE-THROUGH SAFARI? It is lame.

But suddenly, it was redeemed because we saw this.

And this.

And this.

We also saw some zebras way back in the trees, two rhinos in a fenced off area, and some giraffe. Oh, and some ostriches that I couldn’t get a picture of because Gulley told the kids some horror story about an ostrich eating the buttons off her Uncle Glen’s shirt one time and they insisted we roll up the windows every time we passed an ostrich.

All said and done, it ended up being an okay activity because it involved air-conditioning, I got to hear Caroline exclaim “OH! ALL MY LIFE I HAVE WANTED TO SEE A WILDEBEEST!”, and each kid got a free bag of some kind of rancid feed to fling at the animals while they flinched.

I don’t know that a person can ask for more than that.

After a quick lunch at Chick-Fil-A, we loaded back up in the car to continue our twenty-five minute awaycation. Our next stop was Landa Park.

The first thing we did was ride the Landa Park train. The conductor was this nice old man and he had a pocketful of peanuts that he threw out for the squirrels. I cannot tell you how much it cracked me up to watch all the squirrels come running down trees to get their peanuts as they heard the train go by. It was like something out of a Disney movie.

We finished the day swimming in the spring-fed swimming hole. (Why does that sentence make me feel like I’m writing an episode of “The Beverly Hillbillies”?) The water temperature was slightly above freezing, but once my extremities went completely numb, it wasn’t too bad.

Finally, it was time to begin the journey home. Gulley and I were worn out. There is nothing like a day of fun to make you want to spend the next three days in bed.

However, the kids asked if we could stop at McDonalds and play on the playground.

I’m pretty sure they’re trying to kill us.
We call him Unicorno Gigante

I love you all too much to make you wait until after the party is over to see the unicorn.

I mean, seriously, the party is almost a week away and how would you eat or sleep with all the anticipation?

Thankfully, Gulley delivered Unicorno Gigante to our door yesterday morning because I assure you he wouldn’t have fit in my car.

Caroline is in love.

In fact, I think we may just have to throw out candy for the partygoers as opposed to watching Gigante meet his untimely demise at the hands of frenzied children carrying a bat.

Here’s the best part.

Last Christmas, Caroline really wanted a Butterscotch Pony. Santa did not bring Butterscotch Pony because he has principles and standards.

Not to mention that a younger, naive Santa once delivered a pink Pottery Barn kitchen to Caroline that sits idle in our playroom to this day.

Santa learned his lesson about extravagant gifts.

Here’s a picture from the Butterscotch Pony ad.

Butterscotch retails for $254.88.

The way I see it we just saved ourselves $240.88.

Oh sure, Unicorno Gigante doesn’t whinny or talk like Butterscotch Pony does.

But, hey kid, that’s what your imagination is for.
Revelation

So, Third Day released their newest CD today and it’s called Revelation. You may remember that I gave away ten copies about a month ago.

I apologize if you didn’t win one. Just remember, in my eyes, you’re all winners.

Anyway, to celebrate the release of the CD, the guys from Third Day have agreed to answer a few reader questions.

All you have to do is leave your question in the comments. It’s that easy.

I will choose five questions using the handy random number generator. The winners will have their question answered and also receive an autographed Revelation CD.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.

You’ll also receive an autographed Third Day t-shirt.

It’s an abundance of giveaway riches.

In the meantime, if you can’t wait, then you can download Revelation on iTunes.

Oh, and you can also catch them on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno tonight. Set your DVRs!

Can’t wait to read your questions.
I thought the large unicorn pinata was just a myth

Thank you all for all of your comments yesterday. It’s always nice to know that you’re not the only one who is living with someone who is trying to overthrow the current regime and establish her own wee dictatorship.

On the bright side, we have had a solid 48 hours of peace. Oh, she tried to get to me yesterday morning, but I was strong and resisted the bait.

We had a morning full of errands to run and she announced she was going to get herself dressed. I went into my closet to do the same and when I returned to the living room she was wearing a yellow floral skirt, a black and white paisley shirt, turquoise knee socks, and sparkly tennis shoes.

Oh, and a fleece snow hat.

I told her to grab a snack for the car so we could get going. She looked right at me and said, “Do you see what I’m wearing?”

“Yes, you look great. Although you might get hot in the snow hat.”

It’s like I’m a whole new person. A person who is choosing to only see love and peace instead of mismatched patterns and tacky knee socks.

We spent our morning running errands to get ready for her birthday party next week. Our first stop was supposed to be our favorite bakery, but when we arrived there, it was gone. Seriously. GONE.

I called them and discovered they are in the process of moving and will be shut down for the next three weeks. I wanted to yell, “BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BARBIE ISLAND PRINCESS CAKE?!”

Then I remembered that I am full of peace and love.

So we drove to HEB to check out the bakery. I mean it’s not like a bunch of five year olds really care about the cake. All they’re going to do is lick off the icing and drop the cake on the ground for the ants.

Unfortunately, HEB does not make a Barbie Island Princess cake. HOWEVER, they do make a Barbie Fairytopia cake covered in hot pink icing that is guaranteed to stain anything within a five mile radius and cause sugar levels to skyrocket.

The last errand on our list was Party City. We needed to get Barbie plates on which to eat our Barbie cake. Also, we needed to get candy to fill up the pinata.

Speaking of pinatas, I delegated the task of pinata purchase to Gulley’s husband, J. His work often takes him to the South Side of San Antonio where you can get a MUY GRANDE PINATA for very little dinero. Caroline told him she would either like a cheetah pinata or a unicorn.

Because everyone knows that Barbie frequently cavorts with both cheetahs and unicorns.

As opposed to Bratz dolls who spend all their time perfecting the art of looking like a hot, trashy mess and putting on another coat of mascara before they go pierce their bellybutton. For the third time.

Anyway, I had a message on my cell phone from J. yesterday afternoon. “Mel, I’m down here on the South Side looking at a white unicorn pinata with a pink, yellow and purple mane. I think it’s a good choice so I’m going to go ahead and get it IF IT FITS IN MY CAR.”

J. drives an SUV.

Gulley called after J. got home and informed me that I am the proud owner of one of the largest pinatas she has ever seen. In fact, her youngest son, Will, was currently sitting on it.

I’m afraid we may have to take out a second mortgage to fill it with candy.

Or maybe I’ll just pray that the kids will pass out from the sheer exhaustion that can only come from beating the heack out of a gargantuan piece of papier mache’ and will fail to realize they only got one Starburst and a pack of Nerds for their efforts.
Battle of the strong wills

To give you an idea of how my weekend went, I’ll tell you that I spent Saturday night searching for my copy of “The Strong-Willed Child” because I was clearly in need of some serious parenting assistance.

I finally found it in the bottom drawer of my nightstand along with an issue of People magazine dated August 4, 2003. It’s the issue I brought to the hospital when I went in to deliver Caroline.

I keep it for sentimental reasons and also because the cover story is about Angelina Jolie, long before she ensnared Brad Pitt and had fifty-eight children.

Anyway, I originally purchased “The Strong-Willed Child” when Caroline was about ten months old. Oh, what a sweet kid I was.

I thought my ten month old was strong-willed and was all like “Help me, Dr. Dobson. My baby will stand up and hold on to her crib railing for hours and refuses to lie down! What on earth do I do about this huge problem?”

I’d like to go back and slap some sense into myself. Rookie.

Now I’d be like, “Hang on to those crib rails all you want, sweet girl. You’ll get tired and fall down eventually. It’s called GRAVITY.”

Caroline will turn five in one week. And, honestly, if the last three weeks have been any indication of how five is going to look, then let me say for the record that I am really going to miss four.

Four has been mostly delightful. Five is starting to seem like a visit from an obnoxious relative who eats all your chocolate and then kicks the dog.

On Saturday she threw a fit of epic proportions filled with more drama than Scarlett O’Hara fleeing Atlanta. I’d like to say that I handled it with dignity, grace and patience, but I was fresh out of all those things. I’d had it.

In fact, P had to send us to our separate corners so that we could both calm down.

It was ugly.

And it made me feel like a failure.

I spent most of Saturday night trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong. Am I too hard on her? Am I not hard enough? Am I not teaching her the right things?

Then, about midnight, I heard her little voice over the baby monitor.

“Mama? Mama?”

As I walked in her room, she immediately stood up on her bed, reached for me and said, “Mama? I love you.”

I held her close, breathed in the scent of her damp hair, and said, “I love you, too. You’re the light of my life.”

And for that moment she was ten months old again, not holding on to crib rails for stability, but to me.

That’s my job. Even when it’s hard.

Even when I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.
Just a few things

So last night, after our traditional Friday night dinner of Mexican food, Caroline decided she wanted to spend the night with Mimi and Bops.

All of a sudden, P and I found ourselves child-free on a Friday night.

We celebrated by going to HEB, where he bought some Golden Mini-Oreos in honor of his thirteen pound weight loss this past week, and I bought the new InStyle and some Dreyers Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream because I haven’t lost thirteen pounds in the last three years and so why start now?

After HEB, we came home, put on our pajamas, and I spent the next three hours ordering pictures off Shutterfly. I haven’t placed an order for pictures since Easter of ’07.

FOUR HUNDRED AND SIXTY-THREE pictures later, I finished my order.

Can you say ONLY CHILD?

We spent the rest of the evening watching bad movies starring Ashton Kutcher and flipping through the channels 892 times.

I don’t know how we manage with such a full social calendar.

Anyway, here are a few notes of interest that may or may not interest y’all.

1. Beth Moore is coming to San Antonio on August 22-23 for a Living Proof Live event. It’s not too late to register and if you are anywhere near San Antonio I cannot stress enough how awesome it will be. You should seriously make the drive.

2. There is a really great giveaway on LifeWay Allaccess right now. We’re giving away ten copies of Vicki Courtney’s book, “Teen Virtue Confidential” which just won a Christian Book Award.

3. I hate to tempt skincare fate by revealing this information, but I have been using the olive oil/castor oil mixture to clean my face about two to three times a week for the last month and my skin has never been more clear. I am a fan.

**Edited to add that on the days I don’t use the oil cleansing method, I wash my face with Cetaphil. I also use my L’oreal Microdermabrasion kit twice a week.

4. I still haven’t bought any new sheets because I’m waiting on a Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon to arrive in the mail because I’ve decided to try these Pure Beech sheets and I must receive my 20% percent off.

They came highly recommended by several trusted sources, so I’m going to give them a whirl. I’ll let y’all know what I think.

5. I saw this darling jumper by Miniboden and could just picture how cute Caroline would look in it with some brown boots and a brown turtleneck. When I showed it to her, she looked at it and told me, “I don’t do brown”.

I think I’m going to buy it anyway because I am an optimist. Or just in denial.

6. I’m pretty sure that some creature from the phylum rodentia went under our house to breathe its last breath. The smell is seriously causing me to gag just a little.

Can’t wait until the temperature reaches 108 later today. That sucker is going to be ripe.

On that cheery note, have a happy Saturday!