Author: Big Mama

I remember when you could get Bonne Bell for fifty cents

Yesterday afternoon Caroline and I had to run to HEB because we were out of everything.

Coffee filters and Honey Barbecue Fritos.

It’s a wonder we survived.

Anyway, while we were at the store I decided to run over to the pharmacy section and get some Zyrtec-D because the oak pollen has ganged up with the mold and they are trying to kill me.

We were standing in line at the pharmacy, waiting to request the Zyrtec-D and submit to a full interrogation, when I noticed an elderly couple sitting in the chairs to the right of me. They were either waiting for their prescriptions to be filled or for the shuttle to take them back to the Happy Valley Assisted Living Community.

The elderly gentlemen kept looking at something just past me. Finally, with much effort, he got up and shuffled over to look more closely at the items on the aisle right behind me. I heard him give an outraged “HMMPH!” as he shuffled back over to his wife.

He sat down next to her and loudly said, “They’re charging folks $2.85 for Chapstick! The whole world is goin’ to hell in a handbasket.”

God bless you, Sir.

And may I suggest you stay away from the gas pumps.
Episode twelve: The Big Boo Cast; Now with even more random

Oh do y’all have a treat in store for you within this podcast.

In fact, just the memory of it makes me warm and happy.

Let’s just say that I knew Travis was talented because he does stuff like sing with the London Symphony and record at Abbey Road, but I have never been more impressed than I was in the middle of this podcast.

We also have an extensive discussion in which we troubleshoot our audio. It is riveting.

And there is some discussion of American Idol.

And Nascar.

We are very well-rounded.

Click here to listen on the web. Or, you can go here and then click on the speaker next to Episode 12.

Subscribe via iTunes here.

Subscribe via RSS feed here.
I’ve always enjoyed a good animal print

I had a lot of things going on last week and by Thursday morning I started to feel like I hadn’t really spent any quality time with Caroline.

Guilt. It is a mother’s constant companion.

So I woke up that morning and asked Caroline if she wanted to do something fun.

She said, “No. I despise fun. I will have no more of this fun of which you speak.”

Not really.

She jumped up and down at the mention of all the fun so I gave her two choices for the day.

“We can go to the beautiful outdoor mall, walk around and enjoy the beautiful weather while stopping in the occasional store or (mumbled under my breath) we can go to the zoo.”

For those of y’all playing along at home I’ll let you guess which one she chose.

And here’s an important fact about me. I really don’t like the zoo. In fact, I kind of hate it.

I haven’t always felt this way and sometimes I can tolerate it, but over the last two years the San Antonio Zoo has been under a lot of construction which has made it less than enjoyable and twice as smelly.

It’s actually a great zoo according to people who know stuff about zoos, but I’m just not a fan of all the smells and the sleeping animals. Because let’s be honest, do you ever really see an animal do anything cool at the zoo?

RARELY.

There was actually this one time at the Omaha Zoo where I saw this polar bear do the backstroke and swim underwater. It was impressive. But I’ve kind of blocked out the rest of that trip because I made the unfortunate decision to wear a cheetah-print top and am embarrassed to this day by my decision to theme dress.

But if you’re ever in Omaha, go to the zoo because Marlon Perkins and Mutual of Omaha have created quite the Wild Kingdom. He knew what he was doing. And I bet he never wore a cheetah-print shirt.

Anyway, I told Caroline to go get dressed for the zoo.

SERIOUS LAPSE IN JUDGEMENT.

She came back in the kitchen about twenty minutes later wearing her best skirt, a t-shirt, and some knee-high socks. I told her she could wear the shirt and the socks, but NO WAY was that skirt going to the zoo with all the smells, the animals, and the hot dogs covered in mustard.

I went in her room to help her find another skirt because apparently her zoo experience wasn’t going to be complete without a skirt. She rejected all my advice and finally came up with this outfit.

At the moment this picture was taken she was lamenting the fact that she didn’t have any “beautiful, purple shoes” to wear to the zoo. Because I know when I look at that outfit my first thought is NEEDS PURPLE SHOES.

Who puts that much thought into what they’re going to wear to the zoo?

I mean other than someone who may or may not have worn a cheetah-print top to the Omaha Zoo back in 1993?

Some days it’s like looking in a mirror.

Except I usually don’t wear knee-high rainbow socks.
I get my wisdom from the cucumbers and tomatoes

On Saturday morning I had my first (last? only?) speaking engagement as Big Mama. I don’t remember much of what I said but I do know that I didn’t throw up, so that’s a plus.

Because about five minutes before I was supposed to get up and speak I felt like I might be sick.

And the fact that I was wearing a wireless mic with an earpiece thing didn’t really help matters because it made me feel like I might be required to break into some sort of choreographed dance number a la Justin Timberlake.

Except I can’t sing and I have little to no rhythm.

I started off by talking a little bit about the blog. How I got started, how I got the name Big Mama, and how it’s become this really cool thing in my life over the last two years. Of course halfway through talking about it I realized I needed to clarify that when I talked about Big Mama I was referring to this site, as opposed to myself in the third person.

And then in my head I became mortified that for a good fifteen minutes everyone in that room may have thought I actually had been talking about myself in the third person.

Big Mama says say no to drugs.

Big Mama says get yourself a new swimsuit.

Big Mama says I enjoy the occasional snack cake.

Oh sweet mercy.

Anyway, in the weeks leading up to this event, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I was supposed to say. Should I talk about the blog? Or about blogging? Or about how I am compulsive and obsessive? Or take an audience poll about the length of my hair?

Then on Wednesday morning I was out walking the dogs and it hit me. I knew I was supposed to talk about the Snoodle Doo.

Oh Lord. Don’t make me get up in front of a bunch of women and talk about the Snoodle Doo.

The Snoodle Doo is an episode of Veggie Tales. Y’all may remember that I am not necessarily a Veggie Tales fan. I have issues because despite their lack of hands and feet, they have the incredible ability to wield a sword and well, walk. But about three weeks ago, Caroline was watching Veggie Tales and it was the episode about the Snoodle Doo. And it spoke to me so deeply that I started to cry.

The veggies made me cry.

Yes, the tears may have been partially caused by my ongoing hormonal imbalance, but it went deeper than that.

The story of the Snoodle Doo is about finding out who you are and who God created you to be. It’s about letting go of all the false, hurtful things people have said to you and about you. It’s about seeing yourself through God’s eyes.

We see the Snoodle Doo get so weighted down by everyone’s perception of him, but then he finds his creator who draws him a picture of who he really is, who he was created to be. The Snoodle Doo says, “Is that me? I want to believe it but I’m afraid to.”

The creator replies, “I know who you are, I made you. I’ve seen you fall down in the mud and the goo, I’ve seen all you have done and all you will do; I gave you your pack, your paints and your wings. I chose them for you; they’re your special things.”

And it was at that point that I got a little teary.

I spent so many years letting my past dictate who I thought I was. Every mistake I made and every bad decision defined me. I didn’t feel like I deserved anything good. I felt like He had saved me and that was enough.

I was afraid to tell anyone my hopes and dreams because I thought they were out of reach. I didn’t think I had any real talents or abilities and, even if I did, I didn’t know what they were or how they could be used.

I was going to spend my life being a less than mediocre pharmaceutical drug rep and hopefully at least an average wife and mother.

But He had and has so much more in store.

Psalm 139 says that we are wonderfully and fearfully made. Psalm 17:8 says we are the apple of His eye. Psalm 18:19 says He rescued me because He delights in me. Isaiah 49:16 says He has engraved me on the palms of His hands. Zephaniah 13:17 says He takes great delight in me. He will quiet me with his love and rejoice over me with singing.

That is some serious love. That is a God that wants to give us hope and a future. That is a God who sees us as His masterpiece.

He made each one of us with specific plans and purposes in mind. He gave us talents, gifts and abilities that are unique to us. It’s our job to find out what those are and use them.

When I keep my eyes on Him and His vision of me, I know what it is to soar.

And I like it.
The one that got away

This is Caroline’s account of the fishing trip she took with her daddy yesterday.

Fishing Story from Big Mama on Vimeo.

She comes by the use of hand gestures honestly due to her Italian ancestry.

Which also explains her need to overshare.
Edition 27: Fashion Friday (the dreaded swimsuit edition)

Many things surprised me about motherhood; going weeks without a good night’s sleep, how much you can love someone who initially just uses you for food and shelter, and discovering that Dino Nuggets actually taste pretty good, especially when they’re dipped in ranch dressing.

But the thing that surprised me most of all was the realization that motherhood requires you to wear a swimsuit on a daily basis all summer long.

It doesn’t seem fair considering that part of becoming a mother often means carrying a child and watching your stomach grow beyond all reasonable proportions. Not to mention the fact that your rear end also gets larger in spite of the fact that you’re not actually carrying anything in there.

And there is nothing like having a newborn in the house that will make a woman put away her body weight in some M&M’s or any other chocolate substance that can be found.

Then that first summer post-child rolls around and you discover it’s like some Mommy Code of Honor to suit up and join the other mamas around the swimming pool. The only saving grace is that you’re all in it together.

Except for the mom who spends every waking minute at the gym and has the abs of a sixteen year old, because no one wants to sit next to her for obvious reasons.

Last year I read Nora Ephron’s book “I Feel Bad About My Neck”, which is hysterical by the way, and as she talks about growing older she makes the comment that if she had known then what she knows now she would have worn a bathing suit everywhere she went throughout her twenties.

Amen sister.

And Nora, if you’re reading by any chance. Love you. Love your writing. Please quit reading or I will get nauseated thinking that Nora Ephron might be reading something I wrote.

Anyway, since wearing a swimsuit is a reality for many of us, let’s get started.

First, if you are looking for a cheap swimsuit then head to Target, Walmart or TJ Maxx. I have spent many years wishing that I could wear an inexpensive swimsuit, but it’s just not possible. I need a little help from a little friend I like to call UNDERWIRE. And Target doesn’t bother with underwire in their swimsuits.

Plus, if I’m going to be wearing such a small amount of clothing then I don’t want a $10.00 strap being all that stands between me and complete humiliation at the neighborhood swimming pool.

I received a lot of different questions about swimsuits, but ultimately everyone was asking something along the lines of “Where can I find a swimsuit that performs miracles and can walk on water?”

And the answer is nowhere. It does not exist.

But here are some suggestions that may help you in your quest.

The first place I would look is Lands End. One really cool thing about the Lands End site is that you can enter in your size and measurements and it will create a virtual model in your size. And then you can try various swimsuits on the virtual model.

However, we all know that a computer generated image isn’t going to have any stretch marks, cellulite or girls that have suffered the effects of nursing three children, but it still gives you an idea. A guideline, if you will.

Let’s start with the suit favored by many a mama. The tankini.

Here are a few really cute tankinis from Lands End that are stylish and offer great support. I love this halter tankini that comes with a coverup skirt. And how cute is this giraffe print tankini that comes with underwire and built-in SPF 50? Plus it has ruching which camouflages the tummy area.

Why it’s a miracle of modern engineering.

And here’s another tankini that comes with bottoms with a side-tie. I personally believe that the side-tie is very flattering because it creates some kind of illusion, but maybe that’s just me. I have no scientific proof.

Maybe I could conduct a highly scientific experiment regarding the side-tie one and enter it in a Science Fair.

Aerin Rose also makes really great swimsuits with good support that come in regular and plus sizes. And I love that you can order the bottoms and tops separately. Here’s a tankini from Aerin Rose. I love the pattern.

I adore this tankini by La Blanca from Nordstrom but, alas, it has no underwire so we are not meant to be. However, if you can live without the underwire I think it’s just darling.

Okay, so now for the traditional bikini. I know many of you may balk at the idea of wearing a bikini but I am spreading the swimsuit love to everyone. So here are a few that I love.

Have I mentioned that I love Aerin Rose swimwear? Because I do. I really, really do. This is a great swimsuit and you can choose from various bottom and top styles depending on what you like and feel comfortable in.

Freya also makes really good suits, like this one.

J.Crew has all kinds of different suits and offer mix and match bottoms and tops. Love that.

The one-piece is experiencing a bit of a resurgence. I just don’t know that I can go back to a one-piece swimsuit. It reminds me too much of the black one-piece with multi-colored polka dots with faux buttons down the side that I wore throughout much of junior high. I have one-piece issues, but there are some good ones out there and nothing will hold in your stomach better than having it covered up.

That is an actual scientific fact.

Lands End makes a suit called the slender suit that supposedly makes you look one size smaller than you really are. Of course the real question is can you look two sizes smaller if you wear two at the same time? Because that would be gold, baby, gold.

Here’s a one-piece in a fun zebra print.

And here’s one with a ruffle detail which I really like.

A few important things to keep in mind while shopping for swimsuits no matter what your style and personal preference.

1. Make sure you actually move around in it like you will when you wear it. Bend over, lift your arms, and move around to make sure everything stays in place. Because when your child takes off a full speed towards the deep end of the pool, you don’t want to have to worry about the girls falling out in mid-run.

And, hypothetically speaking, if your pool has a brand new slide that you decide to go down to impress your daughter, you don’t want to have to worry about almost losing your bottoms. Hypothetically speaking.

2. On that point, try different sizes to get the right fit. If the bottoms don’t have enough coverage, then try different bottoms. Going up a size isn’t going to necessarily help and may just give you saggy bottom syndrome once they are wet.

3. As painful as it may be, look at yourself in a three-way mirror to make sure everything you want covered is actually covered. Just a quick look is all it takes, don’t torture yourself.

4. Last of all remember that NO ONE will be more critical of how you look in a bathing suit than you. Every other mama is a lot more worried about how she looks than how you look. Find something comfortable that you feel good in and call it a day.

In case you haven’t found what you’re looking for, here are a few more links to some sites that have good swimwear selections. Beachbliss, Figleaves, Swimsuits for All, Lion’s Lair Specialty Swimwear, and Best Swimwear.

And just remember, a little fake tan makes everything look better.

That’s yet another scientific fact.

Which brings us to a grand total of three scientific facts in one post.

It’s a new Big Mama record.

Happy Friday, y’all.