Author: Big Mama

And with this I’ve reached new levels of excitement

I came home yesterday after I dropped Caroline off at school and spent the next few hours procrastinating. I knew what I had to do, but I wanted to live in denial just a little while longer.

So the first thing I did was let the dogs drag me around the neighborhood for about two miles while I tried to maintain some sort of dignity by pretending that I always run at a dead sprint down the street with my arms flailing wildly and screaming at my dogs to STOP! SLOW DOWN! I AM GOING TO SELL YOU TO THE NEXT PERSON WE PASS!

When the exercise portion of my morning was over, I decided to iron some clothes.

That’s right. I said iron.

I am the same person who got out the ironing board about three months ago causing Caroline to come up to me and ask, “Oh Mama! What is that?”

Oh honey, that’s just the devil in the form of a collapsible board covered in an ugly floral print.

I needed to iron because I purchased a few new shirts for P this week. He’s decided he’s a big fan of the short-sleeve button down shirt because he gets too hot in knit polo-type shirts. And if I had to sit next to him in a Mexican restaurant one more time and listen to him talk about how his knit shirt was SO HOT that he was going to have to take another shower by the time we got home, then one of us wouldn’t have survived.

So I bought him a few shirts to ensure that he wouldn’t spontaneously combust from the heat caused by his Gap knit polos.

I think he looks really good in the color blue so I looked for a blue shirt and found a great one on sale at Macy’s. As soon as I pulled it out of the bag to show him he said, “That looks just like my other blue short-sleeved shirt.”

“No it doesn’t. It’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT. They couldn’t be MORE DIFFERENT.”

“Okay. Whatever.”

Later that night, Caroline and I were watching T.V. and he came in to try on the shirts to make sure they fit. When he pulled the blue one out of the bag, Caroline said, “DADDY! THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOUR OTHER SHIRT!”

I think it was a set up.

Here are the shirts.

Clearly they could not be more different.

He felt the need to wash the new shirts immediately because that is what he does. He washes brand new, perfectly pressed clothes.

I do not understand this. Why would you wash an article of clothing that is brand new?

Truth be told if I had caught him in time I never would have let him put those shirts in the washer. I would have done what I’ve always done which is hang them up in his closet and pretend like I had taken them to the cleaners. He never would have known the difference.

But since I was too late and they were already clean, I felt the need to go ahead and just iron them. Because that is the kind of wife I am.

Plus, I knew I needed to iron a few of Caroline’s dresses because the last time I made her iron them she didn’t really get the wrinkles out. It’s like her heart wasn’t in it.

But at the core of my ironing frenzy, however, was my need to put off the inevitable.

I had to take an online defensive driving course.

Oh the horror.

I’ve put it off for months but it could wait no longer. Unless I wanted a warrant issued for my arrest.

So I spent four hours of my life, four hours I will never get back, trying to finish a defensive driving course before it was time to pick up Caroline from school.

The last time I took defensive driving I remember watching a piece of classic cinema entitled “Blood Runs Red on the Highway”. It was the feel good movie of the year. Yesterday I learned that it has been traded in for an even more upbeat version (if that’s possible) called “DEAD IN FIVE SECONDS”.

The Department of Transportation really has no sense of humor. Nor do they seem to realize that a film called “DEAD IN FIVE SECONDS” shouldn’t last for twenty minutes and fifty-eight seconds. It’s just bad marketing.

I’m sad to report that as of this moment I still haven’t finished my course. I have to complete two more exciting units on ROAD SIGNS and WHAT TO DO IF A HUGE ELK JUMPS IN FRONT OF YOUR VEHICLE.

I just can’t bear to finish right now.

So I’m off to iron another one of P’s new shirts. It’s a nice yellow linen shirt that I bought to go with a pair of his plaid shorts. Although he just informed me that he “muffin-topped those shorts” about three years ago.

This is why I love him.

In spite of the fact that he thinks knit polo shirts are too hot.
For the love of the vegetables

Caroline and I were on our way to the library the other day because I want her to be a fan of the books.

Since she shares 50% of her daddy’s DNA and his favorite book is the hardcover edition of the Cabela’s catalog, I sometimes worry that I’m fighting an uphill battle.

So as we’re driving along I asked her, “What kind of books are you going to check out today?”

“I want to get some books on science. I want to learn more about a lot of science stuff.”

“Are you adopted?”

Oh, of course I didn’t say that.

I said, “That’s great. We’ll look for books about science.”

And then maybe you can teach Mama something.

“Okay. I want to learn about science because when I grow up I want to be a vegetarian!”

Seriously? A vegetarian?

Were you switched at birth?

Is there some lovely vegan couple somewhere wondering why their four year old cries for hamburgers night and day?

We are red state Republicans. We watch Nascar. We hunt and fish. We eat meat.

We subscribe to the theory that vegetables are what food eats.

These are all the thoughts that are running through my head.

But all I say is, “You really want to be a vegetarian?”

“Yes. I want to help animals get better when they’re sick. That’s what vegetarians do.”

Well, if by help them you mean not eat them, then you’re exactly right.
The internet continues to change my life

So yesterday I was too absorbed in my tale of Mother’s Day woe to comment on the astounding amount of fabulous beauty tips contained within the comments of Friday’s post.

Well done, internet. Well done.

Y’all provided a wealth of useful information.

And caused me to make an emergency trip to the HEB to purchase several beauty items that now seem to be paramount to my existence.

Because if there is anything that will cause me to drop some cash, it’s the allure of maintaining some sort of youthful glow which will enable me to pretend that I am not just one year away from attending my twentieth high school reunion.

(HERE’S WHERE THERE SHOULD BE A PHOTO OF MY HEB PURCHASES. OLIVE OIL, CASTOR OIL, SESAME OIL, A BODY BRUSH, AND SOME YOPLAIT LOW-FAT YOGURT. BUT THERE IS NO PICTURE BECAUSE WORDPRESS IS TRYING TO DRIVE ME SLOWLY INSANE. JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATION.)

The Yoplait Low-Fat Yogurt wasn’t one of the beauty tips, but I did choose to buy the low-fat version as opposed to the fat-free version because after I wrote my post declaring my love for the Yoplait Fat-Free, someone let me know that the fat-free version contains aspartame and if I continue to eat it I will be dead in a year.

Aspartame = evil potion of death

Got it.

Let’s just not discuss my love of Diet Coke.

Some things are non-negotiable.

So assuming that I’m going to live another day now that I’ve rid myself of excess aspartame, I’ve decided to embrace a few new additions to my beauty rituals.

1. Dry-brushing – Please note the new body brush that I purchased at HEB. (USE YOUR IMAGINATION) Hanlie was the first person to mention the dry-brushing and she had me at “helps with cellulite”. Sure it can help rid your body of toxins as well, but no one can see toxins when you’re wearing a swimsuit.

I emailed Hanlie and asked, “WHAT UP with the dry-brushing? Help me. I do not understand but I want to learn more about this potential miracle.”

She emailed me back with some more information and actually sent me this link to a post she wrote about dry-brushing.

I have now dry-brushed for two days. Can’t really say that I feel any different so far, other than the release of all the aspartame that was stored in my lymphatic system.

2. Castor oil and olive oil face cleansing – I thought castor oil was just something that they used in cartoons. I had no idea it had a real live purpose or that you can find it with all the laxatives in the pharmacy section of the store.

Picture me at HEB with a cart filled with Yoplait, olive oil, castor oil, sesame oil and the body brush. The cashier didn’t even look me in the eye. He probably thought I was in need of some serious help.

Jenni at Makeshift Mama was the one who suggested the oil cleaning method. Of course I emailed her because HELP! I need more information. How much oil? What kind of mixture? I want to learn, but I am slow. She graciously sent me some more information and the link to this post about it.

I did it for the first time last night which was risky because I am suffering from horrendous PMS that has turned my chin into a vicious battleground for control of my pores. It just seemed to have BAD IDEA written all over it. But I am a risk-taker by nature.

That is such a lie.

I hate risk. Risk makes me queasy.

It didn’t make it any easier when P followed me into the bathroom to see what I was doing. I told him it was a miracle cleansing solution for skin.

“Who told you about it?”

“Well, somebody I don’t know told me about it on the internet.”

Which made me seem totally credible and informed.

He then spent the rest of the night telling me that every time he got close to me he had a strange craving for Italian food.

He is a comedian.

But this risk paid off. I awoke yesterday morning to glowing skin.

And a craving for pasta.

3. Neutrogena Sesame Oil – I actually used this product a long time ago but always managed to make a huge, oily mess every time I used it. Now, thanks to the marvel that is the internet, someone let me know that I could put it in a spray bottle and mist myself with it when I get out of the shower.

Well, yes. That makes perfect sense.

Although my first moisturizing love will always be Hummingbird Farms Lavender Lotion. It’s divine.

4. I have always heard that you can use Preparation H to help with bags under your eyes, but Tammy left a comment that mentioned you can also use it to get rid of those creases in your face caused by a waning amount of collagen and the bedsheets.

I didn’t have the nerve to buy the Preparation H at the same time I bought all my other stuff because the cashier might have decided to call an ambulance due to what appeared to be some monumental gastrointestinal issues, but I’ll buy it next time so that Caroline will quit telling me she can see my brains on my forehead.

5. Lora Lynn and several other commenters talked about using Coconut Oil on their face. Apparently it’s not only edible and will make you smell like the Hawaiian Tropic model, but it’s also an effective anti-bacterial moisturizer.

I wasn’t sure where to buy Coconut Oil and thought I might have to make Caroline spend her summer grinding coconuts into oil to make Mama beautiful, but Quirky let me know that you can buy it at Walmart or any drugstore in the health and beauty aisle.

6. Jenn mentioned the importance of using a topical Vitamin C product to help with collagen production. Sign me up for some Vitamin C.

7. A bunch of y’all mentioned Aquaphor as the miracle cure for almost everything. I discovered Aquaphor when Caroline was a baby and had dry skin. I’ve been a fan ever since.

8. Last but not least, Sara emailed me to tell me about silicone primer. It’s a new product that you use after your moisturizer and before you put on foundation. It’s supposed to refine your pores and give you a flawless makeup finish. She is a fan of this primer that you can purchase at Sephora.

So I guess y’all know where I will be tomorrow.

Clearly, I am very impressionable.

And I’m thinking once I start slathering my face with silicone, is it really going to matter if I ingest a lot of aspartame? Haven’t I already crossed some kind of non-natural boundary line?

I’ll report back in a few weeks on all my new beauty regimens.

Hopefully I’ll have the skin of a newborn baby.

Well, if you covered newborn babies in all manner of oils and Preparation H.
Happy Mother’s Day to me

Last Monday my friend AJ called and invited P, Caroline and me to spend Saturday at her family’s ranch. I told her we would love to because we always love spending time with her, plus she’s leaving in two weeks to go to Africa for three months to work on her book project called Lahema’s Legacy.

So on Saturday we headed down to the ranch for a day of fishing, swimming and just hanging out. Of course I packed so much for the trip that Caroline asked “Are we spending the night?”

No, baby. Your mama just has a fear of being caught anywhere without at least three changes of clothes. Some might call it a symptom of OCD.

We arrived at the ranch around noon and I made Caroline eat lunch before we did anything. I told her she’d need energy for the day. And somehow I didn’t feel like those two Cheerios she ate for breakfast were going to tide her over.

I would live to regret the decision to load her up with Fritos and ham.

As soon as lunch was over Caroline wanted to put on her swimsuit and get in the pool, and seeing as how it was 104 degrees we all decided that was a great idea. So we coated ourselves in SPF 50 and headed out to the pool.

I pulled up a lounge chair on the sundeck part of the pool next to AJ and her daddy. We sat and visited while Caroline and P jumped off the side and played in the pool. Good times.

About thirty minutes later, Caroline swam over to me, curled up in my lap and said, “Mama, my mouth feels funny.”

“Do you feel like you’re going to throw up?”

“No.”

“Well, here drink some of my water.”

Here’s where I need to tell y’all that the pool is a saltwater pool and I thought her mouth probably just felt kind of salty.

I was wrong.

She drank a sip of my water.

Then she stared at me for about ten seconds.

And in a scene that has replayed about a hundred times in my mind, she threw up all over me.

JUST KILL ME NOW.

I held out my hands in a futile attempt to catch it.

It didn’t really work.

Fortunately for the pool but unfortunately for me, my body and my new bathing suit caught the rest of it.

There is nothing that makes you feel quite as good as being someone’s guest, lounging by their pool, and watching your child throw up everywhere.

AJ’s daddy ran to get the hose and I spent the next ten minutes hosing Caroline and myself down.

Too bad I can’t hose down the memory in my mind.

Or AJ’s mind. I mean she’s twenty-five. She doesn’t have kids. I think she may be scarred for life.

She kept marveling that I tried to catch it with my hands.

Instinct, pure maternal instinct.

I wrapped Caroline in a towel and sat with her while she drank a few sips of water. And then two minutes later she was as good as new, begging to go jump in the pool.

So she did.

And swam for the next three hours. I finally had to drag her out because I was afraid she was going to sink like a stone from sheer exhaustion.

Really, other than the whole throw up incident, it was a lovely way to spend the day.

Although I kind of feel the need to bleach my swimsuit.

And perhaps my entire body.

P spent much of the day mocking my hat. Say what you will, but octogenarians and hillbillies everywhere would kill for that hat.

Sunday morning, P let me sleep in a little late but Caroline woke me up in time for church by bouncing into the bedroom and gently yelling, “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!”. She made me a darling zebra-print photo plate at school. I told her how much I loved it and then she asked, “Now where’s my present?”

I told her I gave her a gift almost five years ago.

It’s called the gift of life.

Not to mention the times I have served as some sort of receptacle for her bodily functions.
Edition 28: Fashion Friday

I’ve spent most of this week suffering at the hands of various allergens in the air. And also whining about my scratchy, sore throat, fatigue, congestion and itchy eyes.

Wish you were here!

So about five minutes ago, when I realized it was time to write Fashion Friday, I came up with another one of my brilliant ideas.

Thank you, Blair Warner.

I don’t have the energy to search all over the internet for fashion finds right now. Sure, I have a lot of questions in my Fashion Friday File and I’ll get to them someday. But today is not that day.

I’m going to let y’all do most of the work today because I am the Tom Sawyer of the blog world.

I want to know the best piece of beauty and/or fashion advice anyone ever gave you. And I don’t want to hear things like “It’s what’s on the inside that matters”. Blah, blah, blah.

We know that. The inside is the most important thing. I’m looking for shallow, superficial beauty tips that have changed your beauty regimen.

I’ll share three pieces of beauty advice that personally changed my life.

1. A tan makes everything look better. It’s part of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

You can’t fight science.

Many of y’all have commented or emailed to inquire about what kind of self-tanner I prefer. I use Neutrogena in a medium shade. Sure there are other brands that cost more and might be a little better, but I have always been happy with the Neutrogena. It gives me a good glow and I can buy it at HEB.

I also like Jergens Natural Glow to maintain some good color because I can just put it on like moisturizer and not worry as much about streaking and lines.

2. Never underestimate the importance of plucking your eyebrows.

My mama hounded me for years about tweezing my eyebrows but I completely ignored her. What does she know? My eyebrows look great and aren’t at all bushy.

This is a picture of me my junior year in high school.

I should have listened to my mother.

In the future whenever Caroline doesn’t want to listen to me, I will show her this picture to serve as a cautionary tale about the perils of not listening to your mother’s beauty advice.

And on a side note, even if permed bangs looked darling on Meg Ryan in the last scene of “When Harry Met Sally”, doesn’t mean they work for everyone.

3. A good mascara is worth its weight in gold.

Which wouldn’t actually be very much.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is a good mascara is invaluable.

I recently made the best mascara discovery of my life.

Covergirl LashBlast.

It has a rubber-bristled brush that’s different than other mascaras so it’s like using a fine tooth comb on your eyelashes. It defines and separates each lash in a way that defies logic and convention.

So dear internet, it is your turn. Spill the beans with your best beauty advice.

And have a great Friday!
I bet you can even use it to make a smoothie

Y’all may remember that a few weeks ago Gulley and I took the kids to Bryan for an Aggie baseball game.

And we had a good time.

The end.

But something else happened on that trip that has changed my life over the last month or so. Gulley’s mama gave her a copy of a book called “Eat This, Not That”.

And because I yearn for knowledge, I picked up the book and read it cover to cover over the next 24 hours.

Which isn’t necessarily a huge accomplishment. It’s not like that time I read “War and Peace” all in one sitting.

By the way, this isn’t a paid endorsement. Although I will totally accept cash money if someone wants to pony up some coin.

The book lists most restaurants and tells you the worst things and the best things on their menus. It also lists the top twenty least healthy restaurant foods and gives a nutritional rundown of things you normally buy at the grocery store.

It is a veritable fount of useful information.

You know what the number one least healthy restaurant menu item is?

Outback Steakhouse Cheese Fries.

Wow. I did not see that coming.

It said that an order of Outback Cheese Fries contains more calories and fat grams than a person should consume in about three days or possibly three years. And if you dip them in ranch dressing you will need a Shop Vac for your arteries.

Back when I was a recent college graduate, with a lucrative job in financial sales that paid $9500 + commission A YEAR, some of my co-workers and I found out about the grand opening of a new Outback Steakhouse. They were serving free appetizers for two hours.

After months of living on cups of Ramen noodles and a pack of Oreos, those cheese fries were the best thing I had ever tasted and, according to the book, I ate enough that evening to provide me with all the calories and fat I will need for the rest of my life.

In my quest for nutritional knowledge, I also discovered that the worst menu item at McDonalds is the Premium Chicken Selects. Which I had almost ordered just the day before because it sounded healthier than the McRib. I don’t know what stopped me but I went with the burger instead.

If I had ordered the Premium Chicken and then read that book, I would have driven to the McDonalds in Bastrop, TX and burned it to the ground. And there isn’t a jury in the world who would have convicted me.

Marketing folks are playing it fast and loose with the words Premium, Select, and Chicken.

Next thing you know I’m going to find out that drinking two McDonald’s chocolate milkshakes in one sitting isn’t healthy. But how else am I supposed to get my calcium and ensure that I won’t go the way of Sally Field on a Boniva commercial?

I’ll tell you.

The biggest piece of life-changing information I read in “Eat This, Not That” was a little section about all the benefits of eating low-fat yogurt. Turns out it not only has calcium, but bacteria that keeps your digestive track humming along like the Little Engine Who Could.

What really sold me, however, is that studies have shown that people who eat three servings of low-fat yogurt a day have an easier time keeping weight off their stomach area.

Because it’s not about how I feel, it’s how I look.

No one is looking at your bone density in a swimsuit.

Wow. She appears to have a really healthy spine.

The only problem is that I have never been a fan of the low-fat yogurt. I think in the past it has always been that whole fruit on the bottom thing that kind of grossed me out.

But upon my return home I canvassed the HEB dairy section for the perfect yogurt.

Cue drumroll.

Strawberry-Banana Yoplait Fat-Free Yogurt.

It is heaven in a little plastic cup and I am addicted to it. There are very few things I’ll make a special trip to the HEB for (Q-tips, Honey Barbecue Fritos, York Peppermint Patties, and toilet paper) but the Yoplait is now on the short list. If I look in the refrigerator and see that I’m down to three or four of them, I start to get the shakes.

Oh Yoplait. How did I live without you so long?

I realize I’m a little late to the yogurt party. I mean yogurt really peaked back in the mid-80’s with the Jane Fonda Workout on VHS and legwarmers, but at that time I still had a metabolism that allowed me to eat a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos washed down with a Coke and four Reeses Peanut Butter Cups for a mid-afternoon snack. I had no need for the yogurt.

And truth be told, I haven’t really seen any difference in the circumference of my stomach area. Which may make sense considering that when you factor in the amount of yogurt I now consume each day I have added 300 calories to my daily caloric intake.

But I can’t quit now. It’s just so good.

There is nothing more refreshing at the end of a good Jazzercise workout. I like to eat it while I take off my legwarmers and cool down.