Author: Big Mama

The family hierarchy

On Saturday, P took Caroline to the ranch for the day to give me time to recover from my scratchy, sore throat and to wallow in my agony without someone constantly shoving Go Fish cards in my face and demanding I play with them. He can’t help himself, he just loves Go Fish.

Anyway, they left around noon and didn’t get home until around 9:00 p.m.

As soon as they walked in the door, I scooped Caroline up and dropped her straight in the bathtub. By the time I scrubbed the mosquito repellant off her, got her in pajamas, and combed her hair, it was around 9:30. I decided to go ahead and put her in our bed to save myself the midnight trip to her room, especially since we were about to lose an hour.

I tucked her in, kissed her goodnight and she said, “Mama, are you going to bed right now?”

“No, not yet. I’m staying up for awhile.”

“How come you get to stay up late?”

“Because I’m the mama.”

“So, does Daddy get to stay up the latest since he’s the boss?”

“Yes, Daddy stays up the latest.”

“Mama, I don’t think Daddy is really the boss. I think you’re the real boss.”

“Shhh. Let’s keep that between us.”
I blame Ben Franklin

So, what are your thoughts on Daylight Saving Time?

I’ll tell you mine. HATE.

It’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back, much like that time I watched “When Good Pets Go Bad”.
Edition 20: Fashion Friday

Just to let y’all know, I apparently have a cold. My throat is sore and I’m a little achy. I find it ironic that I started feeling bad less than 48 hours after I began my new Acai Berry regimen. So much for the boost to my immune system.

Someone asked me what I meant when I mentioned that P buys his own snake boots in my post about mens’ jeans. These are snake boots.

With these boots, he is singlehandedly bringing sexy back.

They come up to his knees, lace all the way up and are camoflauge. Supposedly they are made of material tough enough to withstand a rattlesnake bite.

I think we all know the truth is any self-respecting snake would take one look at those boots and decide no way is he biting into something that ugly.

I’m fairly certain you won’t ever see these boots on any kind of fashion runway. The hunting world and the fashion world rarely, if ever, cross paths. Well, unless you count all the booths at the Hunters’ Extravaganza that feature camo clothes for women accented with bedazzles.

And we should all know that’s not fashion.

However, I saw something yesterday from the Fall 2008 Benjamin Cho collection that made me think the two worlds might not be as far apart as I previously believed.

I don’t know about y’all but, considering the man I’m married to, this ensemble just screams domestic tragedy.

I think it’s safe to assume that Benjamin Cho hasn’t spent a lot of time around hunters.

So, on to the questions.

1. Kelly at Love Well asks: “I wear jeans six days out of seven. I vary it occasionally by wearing black yoga pants or other more-relaxed fare. But really — I wonder if it’s acceptable to be wearing denim every day of the week. Problem is, I don’t know what else to wear.”

I am going to set you free and let you know I think it is more than acceptable to wear jeans six days out of seven, especially when you live in a cold climate. Here in South Texas we have the luxury of being able to sport shorts on our winter-white bodies in the middle of January, but that’s not possible when you live somewhere that requires a parka.

Jeans are a mama’s best fashion friend. They can be dressed up or down depending on what the day holds. Embrace them. Love them.

This is the reason I believe that every woman should buy the best jeans she can afford. I spend more on my jeans than pretty much anything else in my closet, but they last for years and I wear them almost every day. I can’t say the same for the Nicole Miller dress hanging in my closet that I’ve only worn a handful of times.

I’m not saying that good jeans have to be expensive jeans, but take the time to shop around and find a few pairs that you love.

Now once summer comes around I think there are some other great options to denim, which is great because otherwise I would melt into a puddle from the heat. Oh my goodness, the heat.

I went in Old Navy on Wednesday (to return the Papaw blue jeans) and let me tell you that if you’re trying to not spend money, do NOT go in there. The cuteness, it was overwhelming. They have really cute shorts that come in different lengths. I particularly loved these and these. I also loved these because I am slightly obsessed with green these days.

And I know I’ve mentioned it once or a hundred times, but skirts or cotton dresses are fabulous for summer and can take you from the playground to lunch with the girls. I realize it’s white, but I adore this dress from Old Navy. And this is a fun skirt.

2. Rachel asks: “I need, desperately need, to find some jeans that are NOT made of stretch fabric, have an actual waist designed to be up where a waist truly is, and have actual room in the seat and thighs. Comfort is absolutely essential. If I wanted to be miserable I would put on hosiery. Please, Big Mama, do such things still exist, and can they be purchased in an actual bricks-and-mortar store?”

Oh, Rachel. You are in luck. The tides of fashion have turned in your favor and there are indeed options to low-rise jeans that can be found in actual stores.

I know many people aren’t fans of the low-rise jean, but if you’ve been watching American Idol this season you are well aware that high-waisted pants aren’t necessarily a good thing.

These are cute girls with darling figures, but seeing those high-waisted pants makes me want to curl up in the fetal position. I won’t go back. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GO BACK.

So, how about a compromise? I know I talk about them every week as if I were being paid by the National Association of Trouser Jeans Manufacturers, but trouser jeans will look good on anyone. (by the way, if the NATJM exists, I would totally accept money)

Check out these jeans that are supposed to hold in your tummy and boost your rear. Why that’s a miracle wrapped in denim.

And if you’re not a fan of the trouser jean, then head to Gap. Their classic bootcut jeans are made to hit below the waist, but not so low that you have to worry about what color underwear you have on. I’ve also heard good things about their Long and Lean jeans. They’ve never worked for me personally, but I have a long and complicated history with Gap jeans. They turned their back on me at some point in the mid-90’s and I don’t know if we’ll ever get back the love we once shared.

3. Karen asks: “My 30th high school reunion is this summer. It is being held at a beach club in New Jersey, so it’s not even semi-formal – more dressy-casual. There will be people there in shorts and hawaiian shirts (God have mercy). I would like to appear 20 pounds slimmer without having to give up the thin mints. Any suggestions?

First of all, I think you need to dream bigger than that. Why not figure out a way to actually BE 20 pounds slimmer without having to give up the Thin Mints? That, my friend, would endear you to women everywhere who cannot put down the Girl Scout cookies.

When I think about the illusion of slimness, I always think black. Depending on the look you want, you could do something like this or maybe this paired with some long, black shorts (or cropped pants depending on how you feel about your knees) and some cute wedge heels.

I hope that helps point you in the right direction. You could also just look for a simple, black sheath dress and pair it with some fun, bright accessories.

That’s all I’ve got for today.

Oh, except for two bonus items that I must tell y’all about. Go to Target and get yourself this shirt for summer. They come in a bunch of colors and are very light and thin, so you’ll need to wear a tank underneath them. I don’t know if they are still on sale, but last week they were only $9.99.

And go to Old Navy and get these printed flip-flops. If you buy two or more pairs, they are only $4.00 a piece. That’s the price of a box of Girl Scout cookies and much more friendly to your hips and thighs.

Now I’m off to flush my Acai Berry capsules down the toilet and find some throat lozenges.

Oh I kid. I hate throat lozenges.

Y’all have a great Friday.
Sweet Caroline

Yesterday I was looking through some old pictures and found one of P and me in front of our house right after we bought it ten years ago. On a side note, I am wearing overalls in the picture. Why? Why would I do that?

Anyway, I showed the picture to Caroline and said, “Look here’s our house when Mama and Daddy first bought it. Doesn’t it look different?”

She said, “Where am I?”

“You weren’t born yet.”

“Was I in your tummy?”

“No, this was before you were even in my tummy.”

“Oh, I must have still been searching for you.”

photo by Hollimon Photography

And since she’s found me, life has never been the same.

It’s been better.
Forever in blue jeans

It all started a few weeks ago.

My dad mentioned that he was in the market for some new jeans, which in his fashion world means that another decade has gone by. As hard as this is to imagine, he discovered that Gap no longer makes the same jeans he bought back in 1994.

They also don’t make rust colored velour jogging suits circa 1975 but, lucky for him, he still owns his original one.

Oh I kid because my dad still wears a gray t-shirt with “SURF, SAND, SUN” written in neon on the front that he purchased on our vacation to Bermuda. In 1990.

Now lest I lead the internet astray, he is very particular about his business wardrobe. In fact, when I was in college and needed more money to purchase essentials like Big Gulps, powdered Donettes, and Whataburger taquitos, he would always tell me he’d have to sell one of his suits. And I will tell y’all that one of those suits would have paid for A LOT of Whataburger taquitos

But not Donettes or Big Gulps because those are pricey.

The bottom line is he doesn’t believe throwing down coin for his casual wardrobe. Therefore it consists primarily of t-shirts he’s received for free from his company and, obviously, the “SURF, SAND, SUN” t-shirt.

Anyway, we discussed his need for new jeans over lunch one Sunday. He and Mimi had spent Saturday shopping, which means they went to two stores, Gap and Dillards. Neither of those establishments had a denim option he felt was appropriate for what he called the “mature man”.

All the denim washes looked dirty or they were cut too low. He said he tried on some Levis, but just couldn’t make a decision. He was in the midst of a jean quandary.

I have never felt closer to him than I did at that moment. I even offered to dedicate a fashion Friday to the dilemma of jeans for the “mature man”, who clearly represent the core of my reading audience. They are a silent majority.

A few days later our friend Benke came over for dinner. He fancies himself a kind of fashion conscious guy and has some really tricky shoes that prove he either goes bowling on a regular basis or is on the cutting edge of fashion. So I asked him to tell me his thoughts on the denim landscape for males. He had a lot of thoughts and opinions, but the problem is he doesn’t fall into the “mature man” demographic because he is twenty-seven, which is practically an embryo.

He said the current look for men’s jeans is a bootcut leg in a darker wash and that Seven Jeans and Rock & Republic make some great jeans for men. That’s where he lost me.

No way am I spending over $100.00 on a pair of jeans for P. The only person in this house who is allowed to spend an insane amount of money on jeans is me. The reasons for this are two-fold.

1. It is guaranteed that I will not come home with my pricey jeans stained with deer blood.

2. I will love them and cherish them as a mama bear loves her precious cubs. I will hang them to dry even if it means I have to live without them for two days as they complete the drying process.

I would detail all the horrid things I have seen P do to a pair of jeans over eleven years of marriage, but it’s just too painful. Denim shouldn’t have to suffer like that.

As for my dad, I think it goes without saying he isn’t going to drop a hundred dollars on jeans if he isn’t going to shell out $15.99 for a few new t-shirts.

Anyway, this past weekend my dad finally took the plunge and bought some Levis. I’m not sure what kind they are, but it’s a safe bet they are not low rise and don’t look dirty. I guarantee they will look fabulous with a “SURF, SAND, SUN” t-shirt.

All I can figure is my dad’s bravery in purchasing new jeans in this ever-changing denim world inspired P to decide he also needed new jeans. Or maybe it’s because all of his old jeans are stained with deer blood and landscape compost.

Whatever the reason, P made an unprecedented announcement on Monday afternoon that he was going to Old Navy to buy some new jeans. He has not shopped for himself since 1996. Well, unless you count buying new snake boots, and I don’t.

I have never been more concerned for him than in those moments when I knew he was in the Old Navy dressing room. Was he scared? Did he feel like he was all alone? Was he intimidated by all the dirty wash and the low rise? God speed, my denim warrior. Be strong.

Later that night he revealed the contents of his Old Navy bag. There were two pairs of jeans, exactly the same, except one was a kind of faded wash and the other was a color that can only be described as Papaw Blue. They were a shade of blue that made me think they might have an elastic waistband.

It was already bad and then he tried them on. I am not exaggerating when I say that our entire family, cousins included, would fit inside these jeans.

“Did you try those on?”

“Of course I tried them on.”

“Do you think they fit?”

“Well, the guy in the dressing room said they did.”

I think I’m going to need some clarification on the guy in the dressing room, because if it’s the same guy that’s always in the dressing room when I go to Old Navy, then he is not a credible source when it comes to jean fit. He wears his with the waistline somewhere around his knees, so in his mind he probably felt that the jeans P had on were close to being skintight.

Or he just figured anyone who would buy jeans in that particular color was one step away from shopping at Papaw’s Senior Shop and wasn’t as concerned about actual fit as much as just pure comfort.

And here’s why I love P, other than the fact that he cooked fajitas for dinner last night. While he had the jeans on he told me that I could take a picture of him in them and blog about it if I wanted to.

He was so speaking my love language by allowing me to mock the jeans on the internet.

But, alas, the batteries were dead in my camera.

Needless to say, the jeans are going back and I will search for another bargain-priced denim option for P. Who knew the world of men’s denim was so fraught with peril? A guy could head out to the mall and come home with these.

No wonder Dad only buys jeans once every decade. It’s a tricky proposition.
Because I am all about looking berry young

I’m sorry to report that I have no update on the neighbor situation. All I know is that there are tire imprints in the grass. But to my knowledge, there has been no bloodshed.

I will continue to update if there are any new or interesting developments. Personally, I’m hoping Tom will retaliate by driving his Ford Taurus through the neighbor’s newly planted grass while laughing maniacally. I realize it wouldn’t be the best way to handle the situation, but I’m not thinking about that. I’m thinking about my own personal enjoyment.

In other news, I record the Oprah show every day.

Wow.

That IS big news.

Now, out of a week’s worth of Oprah’s, I usually just watch one or two. I try to focus on the episodes that will teach me how to be a better person and embrace life.

Actually, that’s not true.

I only watch the episodes that feature a celebrity, home decorating, or something else equally as shallow. Because why would I want to learn anything more useful than how to artfully arrange family portraits or that Jim Carrey wrote a letter to Carol Burnett when he was eleven years old?

That is enough knowledge for me.

However, all that changed a few weeks ago. Normally if I start my DVRed episode of Oprah and I see Dr. Oz I automatically hit delete because SNOOZE.

But on this particular day, he lured me in because he was talking about how to effectively fight aging. It was in the midst of a particularly difficult time for me involving the discovery of a rebel brigade of gray hairs taking over my bang region and the realization that I now have a permanent parenthesis on one side of my nose leading down to my mouth.

It’s just a matter of time before my entire mouth region is in permanent parentheses. Or worse, quotation marks.

So anyway Dr. Oz and Oprah were talking about aging. They said a lot of stuff about eating broccoli and spinach blah, blah, blah, but I need something easier than that. I prefer my broccoli swimming in cream of mushroom soup and Cheez Whiz and I have a strong suspicion that’s not doing much for my LDL levels.

But then Dr. Oz mentioned something that has TWICE the antioxidant power of blueberries and EIGHT GAZILLION TIMES more antioxidant properties than red wine, it’s called the Acai Berry. It comes in a delightful juice form that you can drink while simultaneously turning back the hands of time.

I totally bought into it. It’s so simple. And then I googled this marvel called the Acai berry and discovered I can also get it in capsule form.

Well the only thing better than that would be if they could put it in Diet Coke.

So yesterday morning I went to Whole Foods Market to purchase some Acai Berry Capsules. They are ALL NATURAL and STRAIGHT FROM THE TREES (or maybe a bush) IN BRAZIL. How could they not be healthy? How could they not immediately make my HDL go up and my LDL go down and my skin as radiant as a baby’s behind without diaper rash?

And they were on sale, so I bought a bottle for P too. Because what’s the point in me looking impossibly fresh and young if I’m hanging out with P and his elevated LDL?

Anyway, I came home and took two of them. So far, I haven’t really seen a difference. Although I did curl my hair and it seemed to hold the curl exceptionally well.

I’m not sure if that’s due to some little known follicular benefits of the Acai berry or if it’s because of the 0% humidity.

I’m going to go with the Acai Berry.

Maybe it will even cure my parenthesis.

Oh, and one more thing. I am having some trouble with my web-hosting. It seems that the company that rhymes with Icower has upgraded its system, thereby causing multiple issues. So, if you’ve had problems logging on, that’s the reason. Maybe the Icower could benefit from the Acai berry.

Y’all have a great day.