Author: Big Mama

  • Sunshine on my shoulders from a bottle

    I realize that some of you wanted to see a picture of the offensive earrings that required my daughter to pray them away like something that smelled bad, and I would totally show them to you except I’m way too busy to get up, pause the DVR, find the camera and take a picture.

    But there isn’t much to see anyway since the earrings are just plain, silver hoops.

    I’m not sure why they were offensive, especially to someone who wears clip-on earrings with a picture of Barbie’s face on them.

    Anyway, we had a pretty uneventful weekend around here, which seems to be a trend. However, I learned two things over the weekend.

    No wait, I learned three.

    1. If I could be any Hollywood star (which other than my lack of acting ability, I’m not sure what’s standing in my way) I would be the lovely Jennifer Garner. Her dress was spectacular last night. Her hair was divine. Her makeup was impeccable.

    2. I’m not sure what up with John Travolta’s hair, but it appeared that he had used some type of spray-on hair paint. In a color that could only be called “Eddie Munster Black”.

    3. If you happen to use Jergens Self-Tanning Lotion, do not store the bottle in its upright position. This is tricky because it’s in a tube that will make you think you can set it down on its flip-top cap. Wrong. This will cause maximum self-tan waste, although with any luck the shelf-lining of my bathroom cabinet will look fresh and sun-kissed by morning.

    I realize that last item doesn’t have anything to do with the Academy Awards, however, it was the most valuable discovery of my weekend.

    The weather was gorgeous. Sunny. 80 degrees. Not a cloud in the sky. The kind of weather that turns my thoughts to my pasty, winter-white skin and the need for a little glow.

    We spent a lot of time outside so I hoped I had gotten a little natural color going, but something odd has happened to me in my mid-30’s. I don’t tan. I also don’t really burn. I just stay the same. It’s as if my pigment has died on the inside, much like my love for Ricky Schroeder did after “Silver Spoons” went off the air.

    In spite of some time in the sun (And I know, sunscreen, ozone, blah, blah, blah. Can’t we focus on the positives, like my awesome intake of Vitamin D?) I remain winter white. So, I decided it was time for some self-tanner because, after waking up this morning with a wrinkle running through my forehead that was so deep I could feel it with my hand before I ever looked in the mirror, I need all the help I can get.

    P didn’t help matters when he saw an old picture of the two of us sitting on the desk. He asked, “When was this taken?” I told him it was taken right after we got married, so about ten years ago. He replied, “Man, we are not going to look good in ten more years.”

    What’s with the “we”? I don’t know what his plans are but I’m going to fight it with everything I have.

    And, currently, what I have is a bottle of self-tanner that is now more than half-empty.

    I’m probably going to need something else.

  • Interaccessory prayer

    This is word-for-word the bedtime prayer offered by Caroline last night. I feel certain it is destined to become a classic along the lines of “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep”.

    “Dear Jesus,

    Thank you for this day and all this stuff you give us.

    Please send a beautiful rainbow for us to see some time when it rains.

    Thank you for my mama. We love each other so much.

    (reaches up to touch my ear)

    Please Jesus, don’t let her wear these earrings anymore.

    Amen.”

  • Edition 18: Fashion Friday

    Today is Silly Socks day at Caroline’s school, so in true fashion we headed to Target around 4 p.m. yesterday in search of some socks.

    Silly socks.

    I thought about making some silly socks by doing something like sewing (Oh who am I kidding? I would use glue.) but I didn’t really have a good silly sock vision and Caroline was more than excited about some sparkly rainbow knee-high socks from Target. I’m not sure they are silly, but anything with a sparkly rainbow is definitely snazzy. And sparkly.

    So, they are sparkly, snazzy socks.

    Who am I to argue with that and insist on sewing (gluing) on some pom-pom fringe and googly eyeballs?

    While we were at Target, I decided we should head over and look for some white sandals to go with Caroline’s Easter dress. I realize I am living in a fantasy world thinking it will be warm enough on Easter for her to wear white sandals. There hasn’t been a warm Easter in the last ten years and the fact that it falls on March 23 certainly isn’t going to help matters.

    But I enjoy my fantasy world, so we searched for sandals. I looked for some in her size and found two different pairs. I pulled them out of the box and Caroline looked at the first pair, looked up at me, and said, “Oh Mama. Please tell me you’re kidding.”

    Basically what I’m saying is I’m not sure I’m qualified to be doling out fashion advice to all nine of you who take me seriously. Clearly, my four year old doesn’t appreciate my taste in sandals.

    I thought I was going to answer questions as usual this week, but then I caught up on my DVRed Oprahs and saw the one from earlier this week with Lloyd Boston and his fashion advice for women who have become “Schlumpadinkas” which is some sort of trademarked Oprah word for a woman who has given up on looking good.

    Here’s my thought on that. I agree with it in theory. In fact, as I sat and watched Lloyd, while wearing my faded yoga pants and too-old-to-be-called-vintage Aggie baseball t-shirt, I seriously thought about whether or not I should be a little more dressed up on a daily basis. About that time I heard a little voice calling, “MAMA, I pooped! I need some help!”

    Not really a job that requires a spiffy red trench coat.

    However, there are days that require a little more than faded yoga pants.

    Here is Lloyd Boston’s list of the 10 essential things every woman should own.

    1. trench coat

    Target has some really cute ones right now. Like this one.

    2. black turtleneck

    3. black trousers

    I’ve always been able to find great black pants at Ann Taylor. I love these.

    And black pants are worth paying a little more for. They are timeless and a great investment.

    4. tunic

    I love this one from White House Black Market.

    Don’t panic, I wouldn’t wear it as a dress. I’d wear it with leggings or some dark denim jeans.

    5. white jeans

    Okay, honestly, I like the idea of white jeans in theory. And I like them on other people. I’m just not so sure that I am meant for a white jean. Especially at a time in my life when they are prone to end up with grape jelly handprints.

    However, look how cute this pair is. I could get on board with a white trouser jean. Plus, it’s a great price.

    6. dark denim jeans

    7. black dress

    8. white denim jacket or dark denim jacket

    I love the denim jacket. It is a wardrobe staple for me. I have no desire to own a white one.

    9. black skirt

    My life would be complete if I thought I never had to wear another black skirt. I had many of them in my former life as a drug rep and I truly have no desire to wear one ever again. I might even break out in hives.

    10. classic cashmere sweater

    The great thing about cashmere is apparently the little goats from the Kashmir region are breeding like crazy, allowing retailers to offer cashmere at lower prices than in ye olden days.

    I’m not really sure that has anything to do with the breeding habits of the goats, but it’s a good story and I’m sticking to it.

    So, here’s what I want to know. Which of these ten items do you already have? Which ones would you like to have? And which ones would you wear on a regular basis?

    Also, what is your must have item that you already own? The item you couldn’t live without?

    Let’s discuss.

    Also, next week at the request of all eleven of you, I am going to present my list of the must-have items for Spring. I know the wait will seem like an eternity.

    Happy Friday.

  • Viva la Mexican Casserole and heartburn

    I assumed everyone probably already knew about Mexican Casserole because it was one of the first things I ever learned how to cook other than Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper.

    I adore this recipe because it’s easy. Plus, I always have all these ingredients on hand so when I realize it’s 5:30 and I’ve spent all day doing other productive things, such as picking out the right shade of polish to paint my toes, it’s a great last minute solution.

    Mexican Casserole

    1 lb. ground chuck (we use ground venison at our house because we live off the land)
    1 chopped onion
    15 oz. can Ranch Style beans
    1 can cream of mushroom soup (we use 98% fat free to counteract all the powdered Donettes)
    1 can Rotel (if you want major heartburn, use the Extra Hot version)
    1 tsp. salt
    1 tsp. chili powder
    Tortilla chips
    1 pound grated cheddar

    Brown beef and onions. Drain grease. Add beans, soup, Rotel, salt, chili powder and simmer for 10 minutes. Line greased casserole dish with chips and half of cheese. Spoon half of beef mixture on top of chips. Repeat layers. Sprinkle more cheese on top. Bake at 300 for 30 minutes.

    I usually serve this with a side of guacamole and flour tortillas. Unless the avocadoes I bought on Monday aren’t ripe, in which case I just serve it with Zantac.

  • Nothing says I love you like some Zantac

    Guess what? I put on makeup yesterday so y’all get to see the new bangs.

    I know. It’s all very exciting.

    I was so busy applying makeup and straight-ironing my bangs that I never got around to cooking dinner. However, I figured it would be okay since I had made Mexican Casserole the night before.

    Leftovers, it’s what’s for dinner.

    What I didn’t factor in was that I used Extra-Hot Rotel for the Mexican Casserole and word on the street is the whole thing caused P no small amount of heartburn. I feel really bad about that.

    So, last night when I made him eat it again for dinner, I served it with a Zantac. Because that’s just the kind of good wife I am.

    I also offered to make some fresh guacamole to go with it. And I totally would have if the avocadoes I bought at HEB on Monday were anywhere near ripe, but they weren’t.

    Mexican Casserole. With a side of Zantac.

    Awesome.

  • I have found my kryptonite

    Yesterday when I hit “publish” on my Overeaters Not-So-Anonymous post, it dawned on me that y’all might jump to the conclusion that I am with child. And honestly, I wished that was the reason.

    Not because I necessarily want to have another baby, but at least if I were pregnant I’d know that in nine months the eating would stop. Right now, I’m not so sure.

    I’m afraid it has become a lifestyle choice.

    However, I will let y’all in on a little dieting tip that I discovered by accident this morning.

    I’m in the process of reading the Bible in a year and am in Leviticus, which is filled to the brim with various information about blood sacrifices and what to do with the fat of a sacrificed animal.

    I read my chapters in the morning while I eat my breakfast and, until this morning, nothing about all the blood, animal fat, and the mention of big toes has really affected my appetite.

    As evidenced by my constant consumption of mass quantities of Doritos and Little Debbies while dreaming about Morton’s Donuts.

    However, this morning I arrived at Leviticus 13 which provides a detailed account of various sores, rashes and skin conditions.

    It caused me to put down the powdered Donette and walk away, which is no small feat.

    And all of a sudden, I have never been more thankful for Leviticus.

    Here’s to you, Old Testament, for once again proving that with God nothing is impossible.