Author: Big Mama

  • As REO Speedwagon sang, “I can’t fight this eating any longer” or feeling or whatever

    Many of y’all have requested that I post a picture of myself and my new bangs. This is problematic for several reasons.

    1. I haven’t washed my hair since Saturday.
    2. I haven’t put on makeup in the last 36 hours.
    3. My eyebrows need to be plucked.
    4. I’m in the midst of a hormonal breakout.

    And if you think I’m going to take a picture of myself with those four elements in play then, Hi. My name is Melanie. This is my blog. You must be new here. Welcome.

    I realize I have recently posted all manner of horrendous 80’s pictures complete with bangs that defied all levels of gravity and hair that had been doused in enough perm solution to fry it for decades to come, however, recent pictures are a whole other story. I don’t like pictures of myself, which is part of the reason I had a child so that I have someone else to take pictures of. Therefore, before I can take a picture of myself with bangs, I must have as many things working in my favor as possible.

    Right now I’m not sure if I’ll be putting on makeup tomorrow, but if I do, I’ll take a picture of the bangs. It’s a lot of pressure for the bangs. Like a coming out party. I’d hate for them to not be on their best behavior.

    In other news, I cannot quit eating. I know that I’ve said before that I’ve made an entire bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough to eat for dinner, but this is different.

    I knew I was in trouble last night when I was washing my face and thinking about how good a Swiss Cake Roll would taste. That Little Debbie can make a mean snack cake. I can’t even remember the last time I had a Swiss Cake Roll, but I’m betting that sometime in college is a good guess.

    I’m also betting that Swiss Cake Rolls are not comprised of any substances found in nature. Well, except for maybe the cream filling because that’s dairy. Dairy that has been whipped into a sugar-filled frenzy of fat and synthetic oil products.

    Then, last night while I was on the computer, I started thinking about Morton’s Donuts. Remember the little frozen donuts heavy laden with sugar that came in a brown box? And you could heat them in the oven (because what is this thing called a microwave?) for about 8-10 minutes? And remember that Morton’s also made a honeybun that was essentially Satan’s way of keeping a person enslaved in gluttony?

    In fact, my little sister loved those Morton’s Honeybuns with such fervor that she would scream and cry because she couldn’t eat them frozen right out of the packaging. So strong was her addiction that she found it nearly impossible to wait 10 minutes for it to heat up. Of course she was only 2 1/2, so she screamed and cried over a lot of things, but Morton’s Honeybuns were at the top of the list.

    But woe to our world. Morton’s frozen baked goods no longer exist.

    And last night, I would have paid ONE MILLION American dollars for one of those little donuts. If I had one million American dollars.

    Sadly, while I am in this season of wanting to eat nothing but foods that are non-organic and totally processed with additives and preservatives, I had to go grocery shopping. If I had walked away from my cart and someone had looked through its contents, they would have thought it belonged to some college boy shopping for his fraternity house. Except that it didn’t contain multiple cases of Bud Light or even a pony keg.

    Let’s take a look at a few things I purchased.

    Delightful, nacho cheese goodness.

    When I was in high school, I used to put melted Cheez Whiz on top of the Nacho Cheese Doritos for a light, healthy after school snack. Fortunately for my arteries and my hips I refrained from doing that today, but the fact that the memory came to mind means I thought about it.

    Technically, I bought these because Caroline wanted them. And I only ate two or five when she insisted we open them in HEB.

    Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

    And last, but not least. The Ding Dong.

    The sad part is for some reason I felt like it was a moral victory to buy the Ding Dongs instead of the Swiss Cake Rolls. I’m not sure how that seemed to make complete sense in Aisle 2 at HEB, but it did. Like Robert Frost wrote, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one wrapped in individual pieces of foil”.

    Except what neither Robert Frost or I knew was that apparently Ding Dongs have gone P.C. and are no longer wrapped in foil. Which, honestly, kind of took away from the whole experience.

    Not to mention the taste of synthetic chocolate in my mouth.

    Sadly, it wasn’t enough to make me lose my appetite. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if anything will.

    Maybe some Doritos covered in Cheez Whiz.

  • I wouldn’t miss this ride

    After some deep reflection, I have embraced my side swept bangs and have perhaps even grown to like them. I think the initial problem was they were styled a little too poufy, which made me look like Debbie Gibson in her “Shake Your Love” video.

    However, with some strategic product application along with some serious straight ironing, I believe it’s all going to work out. Truth be told, they’ll be perfect in about two weeks barring anymore unfortunate encounters with hairspray and curling irons.

    Fortunately we had a completely non-eventful weekend which allowed me plenty of time to study my bangs in the mirror from various angles. It is this kind of commitment to excellence that keeps me on top of my beauty game.

    The highlight of the weekend was taking Caroline with Mimi and Bops to the carnival portion of the rodeo. In the past we have always avoided the carnival because I have a fear of the various houses of mirrors and that I might eat my body weight in funnel cakes. But this year, I felt like it was time to expand Caroline’s horizons to include that piece of Americana known as Carny Folk.

    On a side note, I offer this public service announcement. The rodeo smells exceptionally foul by the second week.

    We started off on the carousel and a ride with little ladybug cars that went around in circles. As Caroline went around and around in that little ladybug, I could practically see the bubble forming over her head saying “THIS IS LAME”. There were no squeals of delight, only her craning her neck to see if there was something better.

    As I unloaded her from the bug, she looked up at the HUGE Ferris wheel and said, “I want to ride that”. I explained that it was very big and very high off the ground. She replied, “I KNOW THAT”. I attempted to distract her by pointing out a little rollercoaster that looked like a caterpillar, but what she saw was that huge Viking boat swing thing that swings back and forth to the point of almost going upside down.

    “OH I WANT TO RIDE THAT.”

    I launched into a lengthy lecture about physics and aerodynamics and gravity that basically consisted of this phrase, “It is going to make your tummy feel very funny”.

    “I KNOW THAT.”

    So, we got on and she loved every minute of it. She laughed, screamed, and the minute it was over begged to ride it again. But either the funnel cakes or the laws of physics had made my tummy feel funny so we headed over to the HUGE Ferris wheel instead. And when our car stopped at the very top while they loaded and unloaded other cars, I had to beg her to please be still and quit looking around because her mama has turned into a big chicken and I felt like I might pass out.

    My child is fearless and I am so proud.

    I think the thing that got to me was watching her ride so many of the rides by herself. She’d wait in line, hand them her ticket and hop on. She climbed the enormous stairs up to the Super Slide carrying her little burlap sack and she looked so big. I don’t know when that happened.

    For some reason, there in the midst of the turkey legs and the foot long corny dogs, it dawned on me that she is really not a baby anymore. She’s a little girl. A little girl that is growing more independent by the day.

    It makes me happy and sad all at the same time, which I guess is part of the laws of physics and aerodynamics of motherhood. It makes my tummy feel a little funny.

    And I think each day that I couldn’t love her more, then the next day comes and I do.

  • Here is your chance to keep the lights on

    Save Friday Night Lights!

    Oh internet. I would like us to all have a big group hug right now. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt closer to you. The fact that many of you couldn’t even concentrate on Fashion Friday after I dropped the “Friday Night Lights” bombshell just warms my heart.

    Judging from the emails and comments I’ve received today, it appears that many of you share my love of “Friday Night Lights” and agree that for NBC to cancel it would be a tragedy.

    Here’s the link to the original article that a reader sent me.

    NBC, I’m going to be honest with you and let you know that it’s pretty obvious you don’t have a whole lot going on in the way of quality programming.

    The glory days of “Seinfeld”? Over.

    “Friends”? Over.

    “The Cosby Show”? Could make a comeback, but probably over.

    I mean, I know you have Howie Mandel on “Deal or No Deal” and you enjoy airing it four nights a week right before whatever lame version of “Law & Order” happens to be on.

    I also just saw a preview for some show about newlyweds being blindfolded and guiding each other through a parking lot.

    Well, that’s just good T.V.

    And honestly, NBC, you’ve left “ER” on for about twenty years past its prime, so why can’t you give “Friday Night Lights” another season?

    So, for all of y’all who are like me and want to fight for our right to party, or you know, another season of “Friday Night Lights”, then go check out this link for more information on the campaign to save the show.

    I realize it’s a small thing in the whole scheme of life, but I am sitting here watching “Grease 2” because there isn’t anything better on T.V.

    Not that “Grease 2” isn’t a piece of cinematic greatness, but I feel certain that both Michelle Pfeiffer and I would be grateful if the American public had another viewing option.

    Although it’s hard to top the moment where she sings “Cool Rider”.

  • Edition 17: Fashion Friday

    I’m just going to be honest and let y’all know up front that my heart is not really into Fashion Friday this week. Maybe it’s because I’m tired from having a sick child who has spent the last three nights attempting to sleep inside my ribcage, or maybe it’s because I just overloaded on nostalgia yesterday.

    However, in the words of Celine Dion, my heart will go on.

    Of course part of the problem may be that I found out that NBC may be canceling Friday Night Lights. Seriously, NBC? You can air eight different versions of Law & Order, but have no room for Coach Taylor and the Dillon Panthers? If you cancel Friday Night Lights then you are dead to me, NBC. Dead.

    And on a beauty front, I can’t leave well enough alone. I decided I needed some sideswept bangs to soften my face. I discussed my decision with Gulley at Starbucks on Wednesday morning and she said, “I don’t know why you want to do that. Every time you cut them all you do is complain until they grow out.” I listened to her words of wisdom and took them in.

    Then, I went and had my hairdresser cut some sideswept bangs.

    It will be forever referred to as the Valentines Day Massacre ’08.

    I immediately came home and pulled them back in a bobby pin, as if that could make the horror stop. But, lo and behold, when I took the bobby pin out, they were still there.

    Let’s move on to happier, shinier things.

    1. Betsey asks: “I bought some really cute trouser jeans, but I’m not sure what type shirt to wear with them. It seems to me something fitted would work best. Any suggestions?”

    Go with your instincts for they are right. If I had gone with my instincts I wouldn’t be sitting here with a bobby pin holding back my bangs.

    Here is a great example of a trouser jean outfit from Neiman Marcus.

    You don’t necessarily need to tuck anything in, but it should definitely be a top that balances out the wide legs of the jeans, although here is an example of trouser jeans with a top that’s not quite as fitted.

    But keep in mind this model is probably 6’2″ and 105 pounds. She can get away with things that may not work on mere mortals.

    Here are some things that would look great with trouser jeans.

    Check out this. And this. And this. And this.

    Plus, I love the look of a short jacket with a fitted shirt underneath. Like this.

    Just remember, it’s all about creating a clean line. Trouser jeans should be your friend.

    2. Carrie asks: “I’m 5’4″ and short-waisted and unfortunately VERY well-endowed up top. I’m on the low end of the
    plus-size scale (a 16/18 or so), but thanks to the fact that I’m nursing, my tops that used to barely button now lack a
    good 4” closing. Any inexpensive top ideas?

    I looked around and found a couple of cute things that could give you some options besides the unbuttoned shirt with a tank top underneath that you mentioned in your email. But let me say, don’t underestimate the unbuttoned shirt with tank, it can be a friend of the nursing mother.

    You may have better luck with things that don’t button down the front and look for some knit tops. Old Navy has some really cute options. Look at this and this and this.

    Oh, and I love this sweater that you could throw on over a tank.

    Just remember that a slight v-neck will be more flattering than a round neck and also, eventually your body will go back to normal. At least that’s what I hear.

    3. Shayna asks: “My hubby is deployed in the Navy right now, and I just bought this dress for his ship’s homecoming in April. What color shoes should I get to go with it?? There has been much debate over it, although apparently white strappy sandals are out. HELP!!!

    The rumors are true, white strappy sandals are out.

    My instinct is to tell you to go with silver or pewter shoes. It’s hard to tell from the picture how dressy the dress is and since the material is jersey it could probably go either way.

    If you’re looking for something more casual, then something like this might be a good option. And if you want something dressier with a heel, then check these out. Or these.

    If anyone has any other suggestions, let me know. I just think that silver shoes with some pretty silver accessories would be perfect.

    And, let’s be honest, by the time he gets off that ship he’s probably not going to be looking at your feet.

    4. Kelly asks: ” I’m going to be wearing this dress in my best friend’s wedding less than 2 months after I give birth. I never wear strapless dresses because I need more “support” than you can generally get with a strapless dress. And I’m sure that I’ll want to try and wear something to smooth and slim my tummy area. I’m looking at getting something like this or this, but I’ve never worn anything like this before so I just wanted to see if anyone might have some suggestions for me. Thanks!

    Well, bless your heart. No one should have to be a bridesmaid within two months of giving birth.

    I attended a formal event five weeks after I had Caroline and I was so encased in lycra and spandex that just the memory of it makes me lose my breath. Not to mention that in all the pictures I look like a sausage about to burst out of its casing.

    Out of the two choices you listed, I would go with the second one. The first one isn’t full coverage and may cause spillage and odd lines. The second one has the best chance of creating a long, lean silhouette.

    However, please keep in mind that you won’t really know your postpartum measurements until you are, in fact, postpartum. Take in to account that your girls will grow to proportions not normally found outside of working dairy farms.

    My point is that you don’t want to make a purchase until you are closer to the event because even if you’re back down to your normal weight, you will find that things have shifted and settled much like they do on a bumpy Trans-Atlantic flight.

    Do y’all have any suggestions? If you do, shout out in the comments. It’s times like this that we need to lift a sister up, along with her two friends.

    That’s all I’ve got for today. I’m going to go plug in my straightening iron and see if I can’t perform some healing on these bangs. Or at least stare at myself in the mirror and will them to grow.

    Along with my eyelashes.

    Y’all have a great Friday!

  • And the winner is…

    Well, someone is about to have a very Happy Valentines Day. I loved y’alls response to the CWDkids giveaway contest and going through all your comments about the things you would order if you were to win.

    And, CWDkids was so appreciative of your enthusiasm that they are offering FREE SHIPPING on any purchases you make before the end of the day on February 15. That is tomorrow for those you who are paying attention.

    All you have to do to get your free shipping is enter the code CETMAMA when you check out. The best part is the nice folks at CWDkids said that they would love for y’all to pass along the code for FREE SHIPPING to your friends, family and neighbors as well.

    So, GO ORDER THOSE CUTE CLOTHES. Get those swimsuits and coverups and seersucker dresses before the end of the day tomorrow and get your free shipping.

    Now for the winner.

    Remember, in the event that the winner is not able to assume the responsibilities and duties of a $300 gift certificate, the first runner-up will take over the crown.

    That’s not really true. I have just watched way too many Miss Texas pageants.

    The winner is:

    Random Integer Generator

    Here are your random numbers:

    178

    Timestamp: 2008-02-14 23:06:27 UTC

    The winner is Melanie. And I promise it’s not me, although it is a great name. But Melanie doesn’t have a blog and I have contacted her by email. Thanks for playing everyone and congratulations Melanie!

    I’m only 2% jealous and 98% happy for you.